My story pretty much mirrors Steve's in Chapter 9 of DR. 6 weeks ago, W told me she didn't love me anymore. I did all the wrong things with sadness/crying/pleading. We went to counseling but she decided that we should prepare for a trial separation after the holidays so that's where we are.
In the meantime, I've continue to help more around the house and with the kids which I've been doing since DB but am otherwise onto The Last Resort over the past week and doing a decent job so far. However, our relationship is actually better now than it was before DB including having more sex in the past 6 weeks than we've had in the past several years. We're both treating it as solely physical, no cuddling after, very little, if any, kissing. Just raw sex, which she said she's ok with but I think we both find a bit confusing as we continue on the path to separation. Should I not be doing this?
1. Men who are desperately trying to avoid divorce should not have sex and should definitely not initiate sex. It makes you come across as incredibly weak, because she sees a man whose heart she is breaking - still prepared to give her whatever she wants. She would actually respect you more if you had some self respect. Imagine roles reversed - you had decided to divorce your wife, and she kept trying to initiate sex with you - would it make her seem more attractive, or desperate/weak/low value?
2. You’ll come across a term around these parts called cake-eating. It essentially means someone being rewarded. She’s divorcing you, and you’re rewarding her. It’s like giving a puppy a treat when they piss on the carpet. The gentle-gentle approach to avoiding divorce doesn’t work, because they get to navigate it without losing anything. Why would she re-consider her divorce when she can continue with it, knowing she can still get sex any time? Don’t abstain to punish her because that’s manipulative - but don’t reward what she’s doing.
3. You need to get an STD test. I’m not a veteran here, but I’ve been around for a while. More than 95% of the time in situations like yours, she is having an affair (either emotional or physical). I’ve said this to newcomers before, and they say “I’m sure I’m in the 5% because she just wouldn’t do that, you don’t know my wife like I do.” Six months later, they re-appear saying there had been an affair all along. Your wife deserves zero trust right now. Look after your health, get an STD test ASAP, and have protection available if you think there’s the smallest possibility you might cave in to sex with her again.
