Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

And Happy Upcoming Birthday!!!

Thank you for the bday wishes! Overall, it was a hard day. The texts were flowing in from family and friends (both his and my family) and I found myself looking for one specific text - the one from H. I know. I know. Expectations. I felt immediate relief once it came through around 4. Not a proud moment for me as I realized what I was doing.

I had an overwhelming urge to respond to H's text. "Happy 50th Birthday". I fought the urge(s), considered responding, re-considered, fought....and so I responded to H's text 5 hours later.

"Thanks for thinking of me. Will you be taking me out to celebrate?"

You, keep doing what works, and less of what doesn’t. The conversations are fine, just be ready to back off really quick if things take a weird turn.

Under this premise, I allowed myself to respond to H's HBD text.

The ball is in his court. Stick to your boundaries. Do not sell yourself short. Do not falter. Live your life. Love your life.

H may not like, to a very high degree, not like what he faces and jumps back into running. You remain: Pressure-free. Not your journey. Time will tell.

Under these premises, I failed. And what I said may have been a push although it didn't seem it at the time. I convinced myself that he leaned in and so I reciprocated. Looking back, I'm not sure this is how you'd recommend leaning in.

And you guessed it....no response as of yet from H.

[quote=DnJ](I am also a Scorpio. My birthday is coming up in ten days. Your invited. We’ll have cake and ice cream. Play pin the tail on the donkey. Hide and seek. Tag. Have more cake. It’ll be a blast. LOL)

Wishing a fellow Scorpio a very Happy Birthday. I would love to celebrate you, together. You've held my hand through the toughest moments in my life with such compassion and wisdom. I am forever grateful. May you enjoy your special day, DnJ.

Obtaining a lawyer and looking into the legal aspects is wise. Feelings aside, and I mean put your feelings aside, use your rational logical side for making decisions. Never throw in the towel based upon feelings. Feeling based decisions lead to regret.

Yes, seek legal advice. Information is power. Know your right and responsibilities; the procedure; debts and assets; property you’ll fight for and stuff you’ll let go; the outcomes - best case, worst case, and likely case. All good solid information.

Use that information, equally solidly. Make rational decisions. Taking into account your feelings as well, after all you’re not a robot. Remember, doing nothing is doing something.

Limbo ain’t for the faint of heart. Let your time in the crucible remove the slag and unveil the gem inside.

I made 6 to 8 calls and didn't catch any attorney. In short, ended up having no conversations and began to find my center. I know that financially, owing him alimony is an ugly thought. Losing his fantastic benes would be a loss. I haven't given up on us; on our R/M. Emotions ran wild and now I need to re-center. Re-detach.

Doing nothing is doing something.
Limbo ain't for the faint of heart.

Detach and back to no contact I go.

No amount of retribution or comeuppance will suffice. That will not take the pain and deep hurt away. The answer lay in you: Forgiveness.

It’s also the path for “How do I get past this?”.

Forgiveness it is. I tell myself that I've forgiven. I feel like I've forgiven. And, then my thoughts relive the conversation. Emotions resurface. Confusion resurfaces. I need to re-center. It's a cycle.

Have I forgiven H but am now having negative thoughts/feelings towards EA? Logically, I know that blaming EA for H's actions isn't appropriate. Yet, I feel forgiving H comes easier.

Love the sinner(s), forgive the sin/deed/transgression. (Your focus on forgiving is on the act, not the person.)

Yup...I forget this and then remember this as part of cycling.

Let them go. And embrace forgiveness. Find peace and contentment. It’s a much more powerful state.

So how do I behave the latter half of this month?

Do I respond to his Happy Thanksgiving Day text (if one comes through)? Do I send a HTD text to him without him sending one to me?

Do I send a HBD text to H in a couple weeks?

Sorry about your errant washing machine. The door locks electrically. Unplugging the machine should deenergize the lock and allow you to retrieve the clothes. (I know, advice too late. lol)

Proud to report that sister and I fixed the washer on our own. I managed to unscrew the top off of the washer, exposing the lock to the door from the inside of it. We reset the GFI and bam, I was back up and running. Another accomplishment! I was super happy.

Valeska19, oh how I've missed you. I've missed your direct feedback. Clearly, you must be disappointed in my update. I can see you shaking your head at me. I know. In hindsight, I know. Still counterintuitive to give space and detach. And, in the conversation, in the moments, I felt like I was really talking with H...not MLC H. It seemed so real. How can it be that H has pulled way back? I guess I should be thrilled that I got a HBD text at all.

I think you did whatever everyone of us has done at some point during this journey. We temp-check to see where our partner is at. Now that you have - use the information given. And from the bleacher seats - that's pulling WAY back. There is still detachment that needs to be done.

I need to pull WAY back. Got it. Is the needed detachment for me so that I handle my emotions better OR is the detachment for him?

[quote=Valeska19] He would have NO idea knowing this kiss is what you meant. And let me ask you this. Why are you kissing a man that has shown no intent of joining the marriage? We suggest no sex, no affection. It promotes cake-eating on his part.

Well, I kissed him because in the moment I believed that he really did want to talk with me more and I felt like a kiss would demonstrate forgiveness for EA so that he wouldn't be fearing reaching out to me. Well, seeing as H hasn't reached out, a kiss was ineffective?

You have to give it time. You have to allow yourself to go through the emotions that come with it. You have to do your work. Only until your self confidence is back - can you truly tell if an affair is a deal breaker or not. This is not something you share with your H in the meantime.

I've gotten off the D horse that I was riding over the last 2 weeks. It hit harder than I expected since I've been warned that A's are common. And, I have been suspecting this EA anyway. My self-confidence was not quite as strong as I led myself to believe. Good reminders.

Your H is still reeling. He hasn't made any attempt to come back into the marriage.

Fact. H hasn't made attempts. Ugly fact.

My post-its: Patience. It'll be on God's time. H needs space. H is still in there. I don't need to decide anything today. Doing nothing is doing something. My love sits on a shelf for when H is ready for it.

Thank you, both!

[Valeska19]

MG,
I am not disappointed in you. I've just been there. For the record - Detachment was very hard for me. I svcked at it. I was good at the no contact but it was difficult to let go. That's why I can see it so clearly now. I've learned It's not a one action thing. It's something that happens over time with consistent decision making. That's all I'm trying to help you with. Is staying consistent with actions that help with detachment and acceptance.

So here we go.

Thank you for the bday wishes! Overall, it was a hard day. The texts were flowing in from family and friends (both his and my family) and I found myself looking for one specific text - the one from H. I know. I know. Expectations. I felt immediate relief once it came through around 4. Not a proud moment for me as I realized what I was doing.

I had an overwhelming urge to respond to H's text. "Happy 50th Birthday". I fought the urge(s), considered responding, re-considered, fought....and so I responded to H's text 5 hours later.

"Thanks for thinking of me. Will you be taking me out to celebrate?"

Holidays and Birthdays are hard. And can be very painful to get through. I remember my first Christmas just crying in the shower.

When you get passed the pain - do you really want someone taking you out ONLY because you asked... My guess is no. But that "new truth" is hard to accept. So put things in place to help you get through it. My suggestion is that instead of calling H, you call a family/friend. Or post on the board. Share that pain with a trusted source instead and talk about how much it svks. This will help calm the nerves and recommit to yourself. It will help with the "urge" to reach out. It will help with the detachment.

PS. Don't be thrilled he texted you. It's really the very least he could do.
PSS. Don't text him HBD on his birthday. This will be very hard so be busy that day and have support.
PSSS. No holiday texts. No response back to holiday texts.

Well, I kissed him because in the moment I believed that he really did want to talk with me more and I felt like a kiss would demonstrate forgiveness for EA so that he wouldn't be fearing reaching out to me. Well, seeing as H hasn't reached out, a kiss was ineffective?

The problem with this thinking is that you are trying to control your H. This is you trying to do HIS work. We say around to keep the road home smooth. What that means is that we are polite and kind in our boundaries. It is not us taking on the work that our spouse needs to do. Let your H do his work. Without your suggestions, manipulations, or "guidance".

Have I forgiven H but am now having negative thoughts/feelings towards EA? Logically, I know that blaming EA for H's actions isn't appropriate. Yet, I feel forgiving H comes easier.

I would look deeper here. Is it perhaps that want to "forgive" in order to not lose the marriage? What if I told you that you can forgive and still move forward separate from H. Take the time to sit in all the uncomfortable feelings around this. Don't push yourself to forgive w/o FIRST allowing the anger that comes before it. Anger tells us something is going against our values. Listen to them.

I need to pull WAY back. Got it. Is the needed detachment for me so that I handle my emotions better OR is the detachment for him?

The detachment is for YOU. It is so you can recommit to YOURSELF. It's so you can look at situations and say "As painful as this feels right now, I need to continue doing X in order to stay in line with my values. In order to not lose myself"


Choosing yourself over H is a fairly new process. It's okay that you have setbacks. The important part is that you see when that setback has occurred and put things in place to make different decisions.

A good way to do this is to put some boundaries on yourself. If you can't follow them, you can't expect H to. We teach people how to treat us. The teaching comes from how we treat ourselves.

((MG))

[MamaG]

Truth is that I’m tired of waking up telling myself that I’m not going to cry. I’m going to have a good day. And before I can get out of bed, I’m crying. Quickly I remind myself of reasons to get up and be grateful. I settle down. And, it’s not long before the tears flow again. It’s like I’m lying to myself. I’m not OK. I feel like I’ve been pretending to be. Living alone has allowed me to cry as often and as much as I need to.

This is so exhausting. Not rewarding. Still, I continue in this cycle.

I don’t want to do this for another month. I don’t want to do this for another year. I just don’t know how to do or be different. I don’t want to cry anymore. Don’t want to be sad and lonely anymore. I don’t want to look for his text.

How is it so hard to be happy with me? Just me. I have so much to be grateful for. Yet, I have this one empty hole that takes up such a huge part of genuinely being happy. if I didn’t know any different, I’m going through my own life crisis

then I wonder if he ever even loved me. I know you can’t answer that. I just don’t understand how you can just walk out on someone. He hasn’t been communicating with his kids. I know this is typical here. But I don’t understand. Clearly I loved him more than he loved me and I saw things that weren’t really there . I felt things that weren’t real. That’s what hurts the most?

[RegretfulLA]

Mama
This is so hard. To think that this man, who you gave everything to, who you built your life with, who you parented kids with, could possibly walk away is devastating. You question everything. You question whether he ever loved you (I would guess that he did and probably still does).

So WHY is this happening?

It's happening because he is seriously hurting inside and can't make sense of his pain. Some people make the wrong choices at that point (like my H). Yours doesn't seem to have done so quite yet but EA is still hurtful and horrible and it makes you feel so small.

I commend you for hanging in there. Yes, limbo is not for the faint of heart. I would encourage you to really look at your relationship as it was before he left. Take off the rose-colored glasses. Were you getting what you needed? Was he loving and supportive? Would you say you had a good marriage? In my case - the answers were no, no and no, and it took a big slap in the face for me to admit that to myself.

If your answers are no, no and no, I'd recommend you really do some soul searching. But if your answers are yes, yes and yes (or even one yes), then don't lose hope. Only you can decide when it's time to put down the torch you are carrying for him, despite the fact that you still love him. I understand this feeling so well.

Wishing you peace my friend. Keep journaling. The answers will come in time.

Oh and happy 50th! Welcome to the other side of the hill!

P.S. My H's birthday was last weekend. I did not text, call, send a card, send a smoke signal, tell anyone else to tell him hbd or post on social media. I went dark. I know this is petty but I hope he felt bad.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MamaG

(((Hugs)))

Truth is that I’m tired of waking up telling myself that I’m not going to cry. I’m going to have a good day. And before I can get out of bed, I’m crying. Quickly I remind myself of reasons to get up and be grateful. I settle down. And, it’s not long before the tears flow again. It’s like I’m lying to myself. I’m not OK. I feel like I’ve been pretending to be. Living alone has allowed me to cry as often and as much as I need to.

This is so exhausting. Not rewarding. Still, I continue in this cycle.

Tell yourself: I’m not going to cry and I’m going to have a good day.

Crying is perfectly fine. And does not negate a good day. Nor is the absence of crying necessary for joy and happiness and a great day.

Crying washes away. God help a person who never cries.

I get it. Oh, so very exhausting. Have faith, your rewards are coming!!! Your hard work will pay off!

In truth, it’s already is paying off, it’s just your emotions are masking you feeling it. You know this. You remind yourself, so proof is there, you know. Be patience, have faith, your emotions will catch up.

Yes, act as if, is kind of pretending. I prefer, aspiring to be better. It’s a journey. And we all take small steps which feel unsure. That’s pushing one’s comfort zone, learning and gaining new skills and knowledge. It feels pretend, until enough come together and you suddenly realize just how much you have actually gained.

Keep the faith. Keep moving forward.

I don’t want to do this for another month. I don’t want to do this for another year. I just don’t know how to do or be different. I don’t want to cry anymore. Don’t want to be sad and lonely anymore. I don’t want to look for his text.

(((Another Big Hug)))

Cry. Stomp your feet. Sit right down in the middle of this proverbially path. It’s ok!

Take some time.

Then get back up.

Dust off.

And continue moving forward.


(I wrote to lonelee this morning regarding the importance of GAL and detaching. While writing to you, I realized I was starting to write pretty much the same. So I’ll copy .)


Get out and do something - for you! With you! Go for a walk, a jog, a run. Dig a garden, shovel snow. Go to the gym, join a kickboxing class, beat up a punching bag, whatever. Sweat out those feelings. While engaged in activity one let’s go of (doesn’t focus/reenforce) their feelings for a while.

We all live and travel four roads/paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. These are all interconnected and influence each other. Feeling sad causes similar thoughts and moping around, for example.

Out of the four paths/facets, we only directly control two: physical and intellectual. Our thoughts, actions, and reactions. We directly control those. We have the ability to immediately escalate or extinguish our actions or thoughts. Which in turn affects emotions and beliefs.

Emotions are born from our non-rational realm. They can be triggered or initiated by thoughts, activities, and other inputs; both internal and external. Feelings are quick to rise and quick to extinguish, if/when not reenforced. Feelings are fleeting. As one’s subconscious calms so do their emotions.

Beliefs, values, convictions - the spiritual path - is the slowest to alter or change. This slowness to change, this lack of knee jerk altering, makes this particular path excellent for one’s headings and direction. Especially, once one has categorized and (re)realized their underlying tenets and values. Strengthening that which serves, crafting that which one aspires to, and discarding/altering that which no longer/doesn’t serve.

To follow one’s deeply held tenets brings very few regrets. (Decisions based upon emotions almost always lead to regret, for the “reason” for the decision extinguished rather quickly and the consequences can be very long lasting, even permanent.)

However, that belief work is a long project, and one needs to be detached.

To influence one’s emotions, to influence one’s detachment:

As mentioned earlier, it is interesting how our emotions affect our thoughts and activities. The converse is equally interesting and very important. One’s thoughts and physical activity affect/influence one’s emotions (and beliefs). And we control our physical activity and thoughts!

An experiment/example:

Smile. Right now. Smile.

Bigger.

Curl your lips up. Show a little teeth.

Ok, relax.

Now, frown.

A big, pouting frown. Lips and forehead pursed down.

Ok, relax.

See how when smiling, you felt happier?

See how when frowning, you felt sadder or less happy?

Even forced smiling and frowning, affected your mood/emotions.

Our subconscious reaction is just that - a reaction. And we can directly influence it. Note: not directly control it, influence it. We directly control the stimulus. The thoughts and actions.

This is the “magic” of GAL. Living and loving your life. Doing things for you. Focusing on you. Finding you. Picking up hobbies and joyful activities you likely set aside for marriage and family. We all did, by the way. Responsibilities, work, kids, etc, all commanding/requiring parts of our day. Along the journey, over the years, we lose touch with some of that deeply held, profoundly held, joy and identity. Find you - again.

Likely, you will discover you are not far off the mark. You lived/live authentically. You just feel lost.

Detachment. Time and space. Finding you. Allows those feelings to flit. Yes, new feelings will pop up, and one allows those to flit as well.

Eventually one’s beliefs likewise (re)discover/regain their foothold too. Which definitely promotes and influences one’s tenets.

We live on these fours paths; like cars along life’s highway. When your four cars - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual - are all travelling together, side by side, the same speed, and the same direction, you have peace and contentment.

All journeys, no matter how epic and grand, all start with a wee step.

It can start with the smallest of actions - a smile. A walk.

then I wonder if he ever even loved me. I know you can’t answer that. I just don’t understand how you can just walk out on someone. He hasn’t been communicating with his kids. I know this is typical here. But I don’t understand. Clearly I loved him more than he loved me and I saw things that weren’t really there . I felt things that weren’t real. That’s what hurts the most?

I felt and thought the same things back when XW left me. Took a while to see things clearly. My thoughts, my experiences, my opinion:

H loved you. His turmoil, he doesn’t love himself. And that, buries things.

He is walking out on himself. You, the kids, the pets, friends and family, are/were just in his way. Collateral damage.

I’d say, my W (not XW, the gal she was), loved me. Was it more than my love? Less than my love? Neither. Love cannot be quantified like that. It’s more, you are or you are not. Certainly displayed differently, men and women and all.

Your feelings were real. You saw things that were real. Yes, lots of those things no longer are visible or present. H, MLCers, become the opposite of who they once were. And may or may not find their way back. Doesn’t negate your feelings and immutable past.

I know it’s difficult to understand H and the why of what the heck is going on. And I know we all require a certain level of understanding before we can will let go and accept.

Work on accepting things. From an intellectual view. You know lots! Don’t conflate lack of understanding emotionally with lack of understanding intellectually. You know lots! With this intellectually acceptance, emotionally acceptance is influenced and fostered. It’s the process of grief. Finding acceptance - intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

D

[MamaG]

PSS. Don't text him HBD on his birthday. This will be very hard so be busy that day and have support.
PSSS. No holiday texts. No response back to holiday texts.

We say around to keep the road home smooth. What that means is that we are polite and kind in our boundaries. It is not us taking on the work that our spouse needs to do. Let your H do his work. Without your suggestions, manipulations, or "guidance".

I don't how to reconcile these two statements.

Right now, I can't rationalize texting H or not texting for bdays / holidays. I'm not afraid of 'monster' as his response to me not texting H. I will do the 'right' thing just not understanding the direction and vets advice. I've read to meet him where he is. Lean in when he leans in. I know his HBD text was empty and likely took him most of the day to figure out what to say to me. (Pretty sad considering how easy this used to be before MLC fun.) Had I not asked here, I would have rationalized that I should provide a HBD text as he did (seeing as it's a short time apart). Thanksgiving/Xmas seems easier for me to accept no text unless I get one. Even still, the recommendation is to not respond. Can you give me the 'why'? What's the reason? rationalization?

PS. Don't be thrilled he texted you. It's really the very least he could do.

So flippin' true! Maybe that's what made me sad, mad, angry, disappointed, annoyed, unloved, lost, confused... Yet, I was relieved and felt like I could build on it with the request for him to celebrate with me. In part, this was an attempt of building on the offer to 'talk more' in our convo a couple weeks back. I took that at face value. I know better, don't I?

When you get passed the pain - do you really want someone taking you out ONLY because you asked... My guess is no. But that "new truth" is hard to accept.

Yes, this truth is hard to accept AND, the truth that for the first time in decades, I was without H on my day stung. I feel like the suggestion to celebrate with me would fall under 'pave the way back to me'. Why do you not see my 'celebrate request' text fitting under 'paving the way'?

I would look deeper here. Is it perhaps that want to "forgive" in order to not lose the marriage? What if I told you that you can forgive and still move forward separate from H. Take the time to sit in all the uncomfortable feelings around this. Don't push yourself to forgive w/o FIRST allowing the anger that comes before it. Anger tells us something is going against our values. Listen to them.

This made me pause. I don't know why I'm forgiving. Intellectually, I know forgiveness is for me. For me to be able to feel a bit lighter. Less angry. Could it also be in part tied to the thought of not losing the M? Perhaps. I realize that I can't control his decision on our M, so I suppose there isn't a correlation between forgiveness and path forward that H decides on. Yet, if I don't forgive, H won't attempt to return. H avoids BIG time. Doesn't like conflict. Avoids conflict!

I do know that I DON'T want to forgive AND still move forward separate from H. Yet it takes two to stay M. He hasn't filed and back pedals when he offers and I 'embrace it'.

Despite looking to better understand the above feedback, I have come to terms, while kicking and screaming, with needing to pull back again. Getting through the next couple months is going to be hard. I know this. I'll take one day at a time. I can do it. January can't come fast enough.

Detachment was very hard for me. I svcked at it. I was good at the no contact but it was difficult to let go.

Yup. Yup. Yup. I feel this.

Your feelings were real. You saw things that were real. Yes, lots of those things no longer are visible or present. H, MLCers, become the opposite of who they once were. And may or may not find their way back. Doesn’t negate your feelings and immutable past.

I know it’s difficult to understand H and the why of what the heck is going on. And I know we all require a certain level of understanding before we can will let go and accept.

Work on accepting things. From an intellectual view. You know lots! Don’t conflate lack of understanding emotionally with lack of understanding intellectually. You know lots! With this intellectually acceptance, emotionally acceptance is influenced and fostered. It’s the process of grief. Finding acceptance - intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

I learned months ago that I had let H go and I accepted it. I accepted that H needed time. I accepted that he is figuring himself out (whatever that may mean). I accepted that something in his past created this mess and H needs to ride it out on his own. I didn't accept that H didn't love me through the years. I'm struggling to embrace that my life was a lie; a lie told by me to myself. How else do I explain, "Lots of things are no longer visible or present. And may or may not find their way back." It's the 'present' that hurts.

Assuming H loved me through the years and H's love for me is now buried, is this where cycling stems from? Meaning, the touch-n-goes over the summer was 'his love for me' surfacing and then back into the fog and burying the 'love' by not reaching out for a week or so?

Is there a thread that you can recommend that would help me understand?

It isn't helping that both my kids are suffering and struggling. I hide my tears and feelings from them so as to not reinforce what they're seeing/feeling/experiencing with dad. I also don't want them to worry about me.

S is upset (finally an emotion as I was worried for him) that dad hasn't called him back in 3 weeks' time. S is seeing things differently and is going into anger zone. It took him some time to get through denial. S still doesn't tell me how he feels. There is a strict 'no dad' talk boundary that he's established with me. Maybe this will change, but for now, I respect it.

D shares more with me and asks for updates on H and I. I keep things on the surface and minimize what I'm going through for her health. D is relieved that S finally sees things she's been sharing with S for a year.

I still pray for H and that He help H through this journey we're both on. And, I know deep down my prayers may partially be selfish....as I expect that H will return. I haven't accepted any other path as He would not support D. Yes, expect. Expect and hope. I can't see it any other way.

Is a midlife crisis a mental illness? Demons entering our life to divide us? One of these? Both? Neither? What do you make of it?

[Caligirl]

Mama G

Sending hugs . Some days it does feel as if MLC is a mental illness . One thing it took me sometime to grasp is something is very wrong or went very wrong with them at one point in their life . It may be different for each one . The touch and go’s are just that, touch and run I call it now . Maybe this will help give a bit of insight . For 2 years I now realized I lived with touch and runs right under my roof . H would crash so hard with me making sure I was still roped on then run just as hard . Almost into someone who I didn’t recognize as a person or my H . I made the landing way too soft for too long . I started to see a shift not only in H but me eventually I got to the point of not being part of the place to crash . I saw this shifting for months . But the biggest shift was me . I began saying things to H and meant them . I deserve someone who wants to be a spouse a partner . I stopped even calling or answering when he was out . I stopped inviting him places . If he wanted to go that was fine but I didn’t go out of my way . His craziness was annoying. I did almost everything alone and was genuinely happy . I like valsekas take on it . Do you want to go out because you asked ? Or do you want and deserve someone who wants to take you on their own account.Even before his friend / family was removed from life support and he really dug in to changing . Now that my head is clearer I saw the shift in him prior . The running had significantly slowed down before that. He does talk about it with me usually after counseling . Over the weekend H was talking and said it felt like at some point you didn’t want me . Not in DB style but I said you are correct I didnt want to be with someone who treated me like that . I don’t really want to put on here what I do for work but let me just say this . Is H mentally ill , absolutely! Is there many other parts to his mental illness besides this . Yuppers ! I think for me I’m a fixer . So for a long time I thought I could fix him . Make the path smooth . Help him . Just like you “ kiss him “ so he would know it was ok . But and it’s a big but . It’s not ok . H needs to get where he’s going on his own .

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I don't how to reconcile these two statements.

Right now, I can't rationalize texting H or not texting for bdays / holidays.

Yep, it’s so very counterintuitive, at the beginning.

Had I not asked here, I would have rationalized that I should provide a HBD text as he did (seeing as it's a short time apart). Thanksgiving/Xmas seems easier for me to accept no text unless I get one. Even still, the recommendation is to not respond. Can you give me the 'why'? What's the reason? rationalization?

There are quite a few “reasons”. First, let’s talk about the most important reasons, the ones regarding you.

Detachment!

Detaching. Lovingly detaching. Allows you to see things more clearly.

No manipulation. Do not manipulate H’s path. Any efforts to speed things up, usually prolong the crisis, or worse derail things even further and stalls it out. And it already progresses at a glacier’s pace.

Also, you do not want/need the responsibility of H’s crisis/life/choices/outcome upon your head. Let H’s decisions/outcome be all his own! You don’t want to live with those demons.

H needs to feel the loss before he may start to turn back. Be pressure-free. And such.

I do know that I DON'T want to forgive AND still move forward separate from H. Yet it takes two to stay M.

Don’t tie these together. It increases confusion for you. Keep them separate.

Are you willing to continue moving forward?
Are you willing to live separately from H?
Are you willing to forgive H?
Are you willing to forgive yourself?
Are you willing to, still want to, remain married?

Yet, if I don't forgive, H won't attempt to return.

There are many factors in H’s crisis, and how/if/when he progresses through it. Or exits it. Your forgiving of him, will likely have little effect upon his finding acceptance. Or attempting a return.

Some LBS found that once their MLCer realized they were forgiven, the MLCer’s efforts to “prove themselves” diminished.

His crisis has nothing to do with you. He has to get through his crisis, and then you two can work on your problems.

Unforgiving will have an effect upon reconciliation. However, that is not the here and now.

And unforgiving with have an effect upon you.

Assuming H loved me through the years and H's love for me is now buried, is this where cycling stems from? Meaning, the touch-n-goes over the summer was 'his love for me' surfacing and then back into the fog and burying the 'love' by not reaching out for a week or so?

You bet!

The folks are lost souls. Such confusion within them. They run, fast and hard. Yet, they cannot escape/outrun themselves. Some slow for a breather, feel their old lives, reach back, and peek out of the tunnel. Then, they get stirred up, scared, and run again.

Realize it’s not you H is running from. H peeks back at you. Feels some old feelings. Has some calm even, which allows more of his torment to surface and apply itself again. Then off he goes.

Each touch and go is part of his journey. Is helpful. And so confusing for the LBS. The MLCer is not done baking yet. They need more time. Letting go is crucial for the LBS. Detachment is crucial.

Is there a thread that you can recommend that would help me understand?

There are many threads from wise posters. I’ll point towards a few of the sticky threads in this forum.

A few things you should know as the LBS

His Midlife Crisis … An Explaination

Why the MLCer is so distant

So much good info, I could have posted all of them. lol. The “MLC Resource” thread has links to many other good threads too. Someday I’m going to go through it, and others, to clean it up a bit, as some of the links are broken due to various purges of data.


I’m glad to see son is opening up a bit. Keep being his and daughter’s rock. Their strong stable parent.

I still pray for H and that He help H through this journey we're both on.

Let go. Give H to God.

It’s H’s journey, and you thankfully weren’t invited. You have your own journey.

Is a midlife crisis a mental illness? Demons entering our life to divide us? One of these? Both? Neither? What do you make of it?

Yes it is a mental illness. And it is very divisive and destructive.

As for demons. Yes. Be them actual or manifested within matters not. There are demons tormenting the MLCer! Absolutely!

As every coin has two sides. There is also light. There is healing. There is a path out. Hopefully, they can start to hear and see it.

There are forces at work. Dark forces. Light forces. As LBS, embrace and walk in the light. Let it shine. Let it influence. That’s my take on how to battle this.

D

[Valeska19]

Hey MG,

Sorry for the delay in my response. The website was down for awhile on my end.

PSS. Don't text him HBD on his birthday. This will be very hard so be busy that day and have support.
PSSS. No holiday texts. No response back to holiday texts.

We say around to keep the road home smooth. What that means is that we are polite and kind in our boundaries. It is not us taking on the work that our spouse needs to do. Let your H do his work. Without your suggestions, manipulations, or "guidance".

I don't how to reconcile these two statements.

Right now, I can't rationalize texting H or not texting for bdays / holidays. I'm not afraid of 'monster' as his response to me not texting H. I will do the 'right' thing just not understanding the direction and vets advice. I've read to meet him where he is. Lean in when he leans in. I know his HBD text was empty and likely took him most of the day to figure out what to say to me. (Pretty sad considering how easy this used to be before MLC fun.) Had I not asked here, I would have rationalized that I should provide a HBD text as he did (seeing as it's a short time apart). Thanksgiving/Xmas seems easier for me to accept no text unless I get one. Even still, the recommendation is to not respond. Can you give me the 'why'? What's the reason? rationalization?

The short answer is because sending these kind of texts is not accepting your current situation. It's an attempt at keeping a connection to a person who doesn't seek to keep one with you.

PS. Don't be thrilled he texted you. It's really the very least he could do.

So flippin' true! Maybe that's what made me sad, mad, angry, disappointed, annoyed, unloved, lost, confused... Yet, I was relieved and felt like I could build on it with the request for him to celebrate with me. In part, this was an attempt of building on the offer to 'talk more' in our convo a couple weeks back. I took that at face value. I know better, don't I?

When you get passed the pain - do you really want someone taking you out ONLY because you asked... My guess is no. But that "new truth" is hard to accept.

Yes, this truth is hard to accept AND, the truth that for the first time in decades, I was without H on my day stung. I feel like the suggestion to celebrate with me would fall under 'pave the way back to me'. Why do you not see my 'celebrate request' text fitting under 'paving the way'?

Because your pattern with your H has been you doing all the work. Can you see this is you begging for attention for him? Begging to still keep connected.

An alternative response to keeping the road home paved smooth could have just as easily been a "thank you".

I would look deeper here. Is it perhaps that want to "forgive" in order to not lose the marriage? What if I told you that you can forgive and still move forward separate from H. Take the time to sit in all the uncomfortable feelings around this. Don't push yourself to forgive w/o FIRST allowing the anger that comes before it. Anger tells us something is going against our values. Listen to them.

This made me pause. I don't know why I'm forgiving. Intellectually, I know forgiveness is for me. For me to be able to feel a bit lighter. Less angry. Could it also be in part tied to the thought of not losing the M? Perhaps. I realize that I can't control his decision on our M, so I suppose there isn't a correlation between forgiveness and path forward that H decides on. Yet, if I don't forgive, H won't attempt to return. H avoids BIG time. Doesn't like conflict. Avoids conflict!

So he does! That is not something for you to fix MG! His avoidant behavior is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Forgiveness and acceptance is not about tolerating a sh!tty behavior from your H. It's not saying "his avoidance behavior is okay". It's about surrendering to it.

Assuming H loved me through the years and H's love for me is now buried, is this where cycling stems from? Meaning, the touch-n-goes over the summer was 'his love for me' surfacing and then back into the fog and burying the 'love' by not reaching out for a week or so?

Is there a thread that you can recommend that would help me understand?

Is a midlife crisis a mental illness? Demons entering our life to divide us? One of these? Both? Neither? What do you make of it?

No. A midlife crisis is not a mental illness. A mental phenomenon for sure but not a disorder or a diagnosis.

But even if it was.... it doesn't make a d@mn bit of difference.

MG - you gotta stop trying to look for answers. You won't find them. It is just a cheeseless tunnel. And all the info in the world won't change your situation. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It won't make you choose yourself any more.

Over the next few weeks - I'm gonna challenge you to really stop asking so many why questions about H and turn them into "I" questions about you.

What do you want in a relationship? What's in your power to make that happen? How do you accept your H's choice that he doesn't want that with you? How do you accept that these weak attempts by your H is not actually about keeping ahold of YOU... it's about him keeping something that only benefits him.

Let your H fall. Stop catching him by allowing false connection. Allow yourself to take the space to feel the pain and grieve your marriage.

It would truly be the most loving thing you could do for you... and him.

[MamaG]

In short, I learned a bit about my reluctance to NOT send texts. I've taken time and all your feedback under advisement to conclude that my reason is fear. I fear that H won't respond to me regarding upcoming business items in the new year. There are tax returns (filing jointly provides many benefits, as selfish as that is). There is D's graduation and the car we planned to buy as a gift to her (which basically will be at my expense but the trade-in is in both our names so I'll need his signature). There is a family wedding (his side) that I want to attend but question if I am emotionally prepared for. And more...

Fear. I was such a confident person. Sure of my decisions. Sure of my actions. Sure of my path. Today, I have so much fear. Shaking my head as fear has surfaced on my thread several times.

Today, I fear the potential/likely monster I'll receive in response to his perceived lacking kindness from me this year. Who knows how he'll receive that I don't send the HBD text? Who knows how he'll respond to me responding to holiday texts?

I know that I can't control his reactions. His emotions. His coping tactics. And, as such, I will handle the new year business items as they come. Monster or no monster, cushioning his fall today doesn't feel right.

D and I were in a convo where she was venting that she doesn't want to see D and is unsure of what she'll do for his BD. D initiated convo. She also shared that she's mad at S bc he was pressuring her into seeing H - perhaps breakfast. I admitted in this convo that I am not sending any message/gift. Immediately, D was upset and monstered at me. Wish I hadn't told her. D isn't a friend. D is my daughter who needs me to be a stable parent. The only stable parent for now.