Weights training is the #1 exercise you can do for mental health.
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I have attempted to connect at times here to give an update. Thank you for caring and reaching out friends.
I’m carrying on my path doing my best which is pretty good all things considered. S’s health has been a challenge this summer. Lots of appointments and consultations. It’s a burden and concern and one that I embrace as father.
W left the country to be with OM again and didn’t tell me she was going. Felt the sting of abandonment all over again. I had really been detached but this shows me I’m not altogether indifferent. I am ignoring her except matters about S. Hoping to settle division of assets and buy her out of the house soon.
This also is good. Sounds to me like you’re making progress towards being less affected by what she says/does. It’s good that I start to see a bit of indifference in your language now.
Think back - one year ago, I guarantee her disappearing overseas with OM would have destroyed you much more than it did this time.
It’s important to consciously identify your progress here. Is it easy when she disappears overseas with OM? Absolutely not! But you reacted much better this time than you did before.
It proves that success is coming. Is it fast? Is it easy? No. It’s slow, it’s incremental - but it’s happening.
Definitely some self improvement to be proud of here.
Hi everyone. Plugging along here and plugging in to what fuels my well-being, joy and focus on my path.
Work has been going very well and in and of itself is a tremendous vehicle for me to be thriving. I had to get well to be able to get back to work and remaining focused there is definitely good for me. Continuing to work with my network and ensure that I meet milestones and stay on track.
Family relationships are going well. Youngest D is in college and moved in with her M over at GMs and that seems to be going well. D is over here a few times a week with or without her BF and I see them also at church.
Youngest S is really doing well lately. It was an arduous (to say the least) number of months with his health challenges and he has gotten back pretty much to his happy special needs self and doing very well here at home with me and having a lot of family love. He spends time with his M and that has been going well, including some visits (an hour or two at a time) with her over at GMs.
Eldest S is doing well and our F-S connection is really positive and very satisfying as he is really hitting his stride as a fine young man.
Eldest D and GD are doing well and we connect by phone. Making plans to visit over the holidays.
I have great connection with my core group of friends and have been making some other friends. Biking, hiking, lifting weights, music and dance are going strong. The leaders have asked me to demonstrate with a partner some of the moves that we have been learning in class and complimented my progress in becoming a good lead so that has felt good.
I continue with counseling and find that to be very helpful.
Interactions with W have been centered around S and the details that support her to be informed to care for him and also anything important. We have been continuing to have our weekly check in conversations about that and that seems to be going well as far as I have been concerned. Other than that I had been sticking to email, keeping it business like with the 24-48 hr mark unless urgent to respond if necessary and a question. Negotiations about assets including the house are progressing albeit slowly.
Having said that, W has been sending me some really kind and complimentary texts over recent weeks. Like ones affirming the character and strengths she sees in me and recognizing my values I live out and how much she appreciates me and how my son has such great care and a good home with me. I haven’t responded to any of those texts.
And she got upset. She texted:
“Whoever told you only to communicate with me about S is out of their mind. Our old pastor told me you want a divorce (I didn’t tell him that though we have talked about all kinds of things including that possibility), and it looks like you don’t want a friendship or to be able to support our family together so I’m just here in limbo. Im not sure how we can ever move forward without talking to each other”…”You have been my best friend for over half my life and I am telling my friends I just don’t get it. I don’t know what’s going on.”
It’s good to hear from you. I am glad to see life is going well. I definitely agree, getting back to work and its required focus and routine to be a good thing.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Interactions with W have been centered around S and the details that support her to be informed to care for him and also anything important. We have been continuing to have our weekly check in conversations about that and that seems to be going well as far as I have been concerned. Other than that I had been sticking to email, keeping it business like with the 24-48 hr mark unless urgent to respond if necessary and a question. Negotiations about assets including the house are progressing albeit slowly.
Good. I’d keep it business-like, with 24-48 hour delay before your response (if response is necessary).
Originally Posted by Rockon
Having said that, W has been sending me some really kind and complimentary texts over recent weeks. Like ones affirming the character and strengths she sees in me and recognizing my values I live out and how much she appreciates me and how my son has such great care and a good home with me. I haven’t responded to any of those texts.
Words vs actions.
Good on you not responding, IMHO. Her words, kind and flowery they may be, lack sincerity when actions do not match. Stick to your path.
Originally Posted by Rockon
And she got upset. She texted:
“Whoever told you only to communicate with me about S is out of their mind. Our old pastor told me you want a divorce (I didn’t tell him that though we have talked about all kinds of things including that possibility), and it looks like you don’t want a friendship or to be able to support our family together so I’m just here in limbo. Im not sure how we can ever move forward without talking to each other”…”You have been my best friend for over half my life and I am telling my friends I just don’t get it. I don’t know what’s going on.”
I haven’t responded.
lol. Well, I’ve suggested only communicating with her regarding son and/or other business related matters. Along with a chorus of others from here. Her feelings regarding such advice does make me chuckle.
Do not respond. Let her stew.
She’s been living at her Mom’s for over two years now. To me, it looks like she is baiting you into an argument. She sends a “nice” text, you don’t jump like she figures you should, and she gets upset. Let her. Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.
W blames you in her upset text. “it looks like you don’t want a friendship or to be able to support our family together so I’m just here in limbo.” Don’t fall for it. She moved out! She left! Friendship? Supportive? Together? Words vs actions.
Rock, if/when W is ready you will know. Her actions will match.
Continue as you are doing. Responding only to her business related and/or important family texts. No R-stuff.
Her being upset is a good thing. Folks who have given up or quit, don’t care. They are indifferent. They don’t get upset or hate or anything. Now, don’t break out any champagne, I’m just pointing out a wee sign of positive progress. Where it leads. Well, you know, time will tell.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Negotiations about assets including the house are progressing albeit slowly.
W initiating and taking steps to cancel this ^^^ would be a pretty good “action”. An action initiated by her of course.
It’s only a couple of texts. Treat it as such. Keep on your path and your hard-eared healing and health.
Keep living and loving your life Rock.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
“Whoever told you only to communicate with me about S is out of their mind. Our old pastor told me you want a divorce (I didn’t tell him that though we have talked about all kinds of things including that possibility), and it looks like you don’t want a friendship or to be able to support our family together so I’m just here in limbo. Im not sure how we can ever move forward without talking to each other”…”You have been my best friend for over half my life and I am telling my friends I just don’t get it. I don’t know what’s going on.”
This is garden variety manipulation. She’s desperately trying to illicit a response from you.
She’s like an addict - your responses are the drug she craves.
No response was a VERY wise move.
The old you couldn’t possibly have grey-rocked a tasty bait like that.
Just got home from a great time in the mountains with youngest S. There is an impressive snowpack accumulating after a couple “bomb cyclones” this week. Great to connect with the volunteer community in a place I love.
I am continuing on track with my focus on priorities of my health, my work, my family, my faith, my fun and my friends. I have been enjoying benefits and peace of detachment from W. My mental health has really stabilized particularly over this last year. I still encounter challenges and have had very rough patches. For example, I was profoundly impacted by the losses of sons my 2 friends sustained, which was compounded by my own youngest S’s decompensation over the spring and summer.
I continue to have great connections with my kids, my own immediate family and my close friends and they have really helped me through this year. I have weekly counselling as well and I find that helpful.
W texts me a lot and I continue on detached, responsibly responding where necessary and time sensitive and continuing to focus about S’s needs and matters of importance and negotiations about the house and assets (by email).
Some communications from her recently have been challenging. She again referenced her state of limbo when it comes to what’s happening with us. I interpret this to mean she hasn’t yet been paid out for the house - either by us selling it or agreeing to terms on division of assets/me buying her out. She said that it’s really hard on her mental health. She disclosed to me that she is having a very difficult stressful time at work and commented that she doesn’t know how I did it going to work everyday full time and working overtime. She also told me she is having some health concerns being investigated with referrals to specialists. I expressed care about what she is going through and asked what she needs.
She texted back “it would feel supportive and caring if we could have useful conversations about our separation so that we can get past the hard parts and move forward as friends and family. When you aren’t willing to have those conversations, I’m not really able to invite you into such vulnerable parts of my life.”
Don’t really know what to do with that one. Thinking of asking what seems unclear to her.
Between you here on the boards and I, I am actually not finding this “limbo state” particularly hard now that I have detached. I am very focused elsewhere and things between her and I are really quite clear to me. We don’t have a relationship and there is no indication that we are headed in that direction. I am working on keeping the house and am prepared to buy her out. I am not doing the work of figuring out separation and divorce for her.
I welcome your input.
On a joyful note, I had lunch with youngest D today. She is doing so well and she and her BF are getting serious and are talking about getting married. I really like him and am very much in favor of them as a couple. She and I have been having great heart to hearts about it and about all kinds of things.
We also had a good chat today about the upcoming holiday season, and clarified some hopes and tempered some expectations about what family togetherness might look like. We were able to listen and express ourselves well. I emphasized my desire to have special times celebrating together with her and her BF and her siblings.
Between you here on the boards and I, I am actually not finding this “limbo state” particularly hard now that I have detached. I am very focused elsewhere and things between her and I are really quite clear to me. We don’t have a relationship and there is no indication that we are headed in that direction. I am working on keeping the house and am prepared to buy her out. I am not doing the work of figuring out separation and divorce for her.
Good. Remained focused on you and those who want to be part of your life.
Originally Posted by Rockon
[STBXW] texted back “it would feel supportive and caring if we could have useful conversations about our separation so that we can get past the hard parts and move forward as friends and family. When you aren’t willing to have those conversations, I’m not really able to invite you into such vulnerable parts of my life.”
Don’t really know what to do with that one. Thinking of asking what seems unclear to her.
My suggestion for dealing with this latest text:
Tonight, by yourself, go to a really nice steak house. Order a nice appetizer. Like fried mushrooms. Also have a loaf of bread, or onion loaf if they have. For the main course, a thick cut, medium rare. Couple of baked potatoes. Vegetables. Your favourite soft drink. And dessert, a cake or such; something smothered in chocolate or caramel sauce.
“I’m not really able to invite you into such vulnerable parts of my life.”
You are detached. Treating STBXW (by her choice) like you would the grocery store clerk. I mean that’s how it is right now. She’s the one who left two years ago and is hiding out at her mother’s place. So, if the local store clerk brought up “vulnerable parts of her life”. What?!?
You’d back away. Right?
STBXW is trying to drag you back in. She is looking for a refill on her drama, justification, validation, etc. Let her be. Be the grey rock. She has lots of inner work to do. Let her. Do not try to save her.
Look, she has more than a few bridges to mend. You’d know if she was ready.
Remember, the festive season is coming up, and these folks come out of the wood work during such times. Stay your course! Focus on you and your those awesome priorities. Keep moving forward.
And congratulations to daughter!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
By the way, I’d not put it past W that she’s digging for information to use against you in negotiations. Don’t show your hand. She’s not on team Rockon.
Send all that negotiating to your lawyer. The kids are grown. Likely just a house and alimony to figure out. And you are prepared to buy her out, so not much left to discuss.
Again, say nothing, treating this as a business deal gone sideways.
And letting her feel the loss.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
