I’ll reply in more detail when I get the time, however just quickly…
Quote
She's still lying to me even though we're separated.
This is something you’re going to have to work on.
Men get super caught up in right and wrong and blame being placed on the right place. Women get caught up in avoiding accountability and making everything they do someone else’s fault.
If you challenge her on lying about her plans on NYE, she will double down and things will ramp up badly.
You absolutely can not get involved with trying to hold a woman accountable for her lies when she’s in the middle of an affair. She will do anything and everything to avoid being at fault. This is normally when women start making false accusations of domestic violence/coercive control etc.
Do not engage. Tell her you’d love to have the kids on NYE and spend quality with your children.
Wanting a cheating wife to own her behaviour and decision is what we call a “cheeseless tunnel” around here.
Whose fault is definitely something newcomers struggle with letting go.
If there’s a chance you still want to repair this (even though she’s clearly a cheat and a liar), the ONLY way that happens is if she works out for herself that she’s made a bad decision. Never, in the history of divorces, did a husband save his marriage by convincing his wife she was partly responsible and holding her to account. In fact, that’s a guarantee of acrimonious divorce.
The only way you repair this from here is by ignoring her, not engaging, being your best self and Dad, and hoping she joins the dots herself and realises what she lost.
I second what Kind says above. Trying to get your S to own their contributions at this point is a cheeseless tunnel. They aren’t there yet and may never be. To do so would contradict their current view that you are the problem. It certainly won’t attract them back to you if the experiences they have with you leaves them with negative vibes when you’re around. I would often ask myself if what I was going to say or do would make me me more or less attractive to a partner (not specifically my own S but anyone with whom I get into a serious relationship with). I asked if what I was going to say or do represented the best “me” that I aspire to be. When the answer was no, I would STFU as Ready2Change likes to say. Work on yourself and for yourself at this point. No matter what the outcome for you relationship, trust us that this is the best path in the long run.
Oh boy ! I agree with the others that I would not move out of the home . I wouldnt even go to the rental . I don’t remember who it was but back in the beginning of BD for me someone posted learn to live in the uncomfortable. I suggest the same . Learn to do your own thing and whether it feels that way or not project happiness . It will come with time . Women seek strong partners . Sit back and become the best version of yourself . The strongest version . The A will crash and burn . You may decide to stay or go but you and you alone control one person . You ! Your W will test you to see if you’re still on the rope do not take the bait . I find them to almost be like spoiled children. They want what they want when they want it . Take care of you and the kids only .
As far as texting your sexual encounters with wife I’ll chime in with some honesty. I wouldn’t send anything . In my situation I did actually send them . I chose to do it after a letter was sent to the home to start but over the next week I received multiple times a day text messages random numbers , social media messages on various platforms , last I counted 10 different profiles with friends requests . The messages I was receiving were so out there about about my H loves them and how he didn’t sleep with me . One day I was fed up so I took the last 6 or so months of raunchy messages he had sent me and took screenshots and sent them all with one message back . And when I say the dirtiest messages I could find those are what I sent . We were still sleeping together 3-4 days a week during his A. The message said “he’s all yours, please come pick him up , yet he still sits in our home unwilling to move in with you “ . She blocked me and magically the fake profiles disappeared. Do I regret it, absolutely not . Have I received another message since , nope . In your situation I would not, A partners can be vicious. I only did this because I was sought out . I would have never had that not continued to occur . Seek your own peace . Your W needs to find her own way , it’s a long long road . Trust the vets posting and giving advice it seems wrong , real wrong sometimes but boy are they usually on the money .
