I'm Back! (6)

[Terapin]

Hey T. Injuries are frustrating. Softball and flag football did a number on me a few years back so I've taken to sparingly doing much more than basketball and some free weights these days. I hope you heal up quickly.

As is often the caution in these pages, enjoy the moment with the new lady in your life. I'm sure you've read past forums on the amount of time recommended between the Big D and another, serious relationship. As you and DnJ have suggested, you're still decompressing from that lengthy experience and tethered to XW through parenting. So, have fun, stay focused on yourself and being the best dad possible, and just enjoy the ride for a bit.

Hearing what XW commented to your mutual friends is unsurprising. They have to say those things to reassure themselves THEY were in the right....to reinforce that their decisions was right and their former spouse the sole cause of the D, especially when 1) hearing you're OK and 2) worrying you may be doing "better" than they are. It isn't a competition. Your lives on on separate paths now. You are the prize that got away!

Looking forward to the next update. Be well!

Yes, dating without waiting an adequate amount of time hasn't been easy. The new girl is great, but she does often make comments about wanting to spend more time together, or gets upset when I have to change plans due to custody issues. I know it's tough on her, but there's not much I can do about it. There's only 7 days in a week.

[DnJ]

Good Morning T

Quick question, which I probably already know the answer to.

Yes, I suspect you do.

XW rarely attends any of our sons sporting events. It's been this way for years. Either she was working, stressed from working, tired from working, didn't want to have to chat with other parents, etc, etc. Meanwhile, in 8 years and literally hundreds of football games, wrestling tournaments, basketball games, etc, I've never missed any. Not a single one. She also never attends parent meetings, never does required volunteering, never sells tickets, etc. It's all me.

Anyway, he's had 5 football games in the last month, and she's attended zero. I know it bothers our son, especially when his friends/teammates have everyone on their family tree in attendance, and he has only me and sometimes my parents. Is this something I should mention to her? It pisses me off to no end that she puts work and her own hobbies (sleeping, drinking wine, shopping) over our son. I obviously can't do anything about it, but I'm so tempted to tell her how pathetic I, him, and everyone else thinks it is.

How do you know it bothers your son? Does he talk about it? Mentioned it?

It pisses me off to no end…

Are your feelings amplifying your vision of things?

I obviously can't do anything about it…

Correct!

Although, what do you mean by “it”?

I obviously can't do anything about it making XW do what I consider to be the right thing.

T, you cannot control XW. Or anyone. Only you. And there is lay your answer.

Is this something I should mention to her?

No.

So what to do?

I suspect son does speak with and confide in you about his disappointment with his Mom. Validate his feelings. And do not demonize his Mom.

Speak with son. Age appropriately. Speak of control. Speak of rights and choice. Mom controls her actions. She has the right/choice to attend or not.

And son has choice as well. He can tell her his feelings.

During your and son’s conversation, possibilities and probabilities will come up. What is the likely outcome of his mentioning his disappointment to Mom? Would she start to attend? Would son want her to attend in that manner? Or would he rather have her attend from a more sincere desire to be there?

Cannot control her.

It’s a difficult conversation/leading/gently steering. Kids do find acceptance though. Which starts with discussing their feelings. Rationalizing their feelings. After all, acceptance is emotional understanding.

Neither you nor son can control Mom being there. However, you both can control/endeavour to accept. To let go that which you cannot control. To influence, positively, if and when/where appropriate. To be better, not bitter.

Yes, tall order. And a worthy one.

My goodness, if I had gotten p!ssed off all the times XW did (or didn’t do) stuff… Gosh, I’d have had a stroke! Let go. Focus on you. Focus on what’s important. You and son!

Focus on being the best version of you. You allowing yourself to get riled up from XW’s shenanigans does not serve you.

Son, focus on football. On practice. On doing his best. Regardless of who’s watching. And focus on being a kids. Have fun! Enjoying the games. Focusing on why his is doing it. The real reason. Happiness comes from within.

I suspect son is not yet ready to tell Mom his feelings. He cannot dare risk losing her, yet. In time, he will grow. In time, he will speak up to her.

Acknowledge son. Listen to son. Tell him you understand and love him. Absolutely love him! Continue being the strong stable parent.

Have a great Sunday.

D

[Terapin]

Good Morning T

Quick question, which I probably already know the answer to.

Yes, I suspect you do.

XW rarely attends any of our sons sporting events. It's been this way for years. Either she was working, stressed from working, tired from working, didn't want to have to chat with other parents, etc, etc. Meanwhile, in 8 years and literally hundreds of football games, wrestling tournaments, basketball games, etc, I've never missed any. Not a single one. She also never attends parent meetings, never does required volunteering, never sells tickets, etc. It's all me.

Anyway, he's had 5 football games in the last month, and she's attended zero. I know it bothers our son, especially when his friends/teammates have everyone on their family tree in attendance, and he has only me and sometimes my parents. Is this something I should mention to her? It pisses me off to no end that she puts work and her own hobbies (sleeping, drinking wine, shopping) over our son. I obviously can't do anything about it, but I'm so tempted to tell her how pathetic I, him, and everyone else thinks it is.

How do you know it bothers your son? Does he talk about it? Mentioned it?

It pisses me off to no end…

Are your feelings amplifying your vision of things?

I obviously can't do anything about it…

Correct!

Although, what do you mean by “it”?

I obviously can't do anything about it making XW do what I consider to be the right thing.

T, you cannot control XW. Or anyone. Only you. And there is lay your answer.

Is this something I should mention to her?

No.

So what to do?

I suspect son does speak with and confide in you about his disappointment with his Mom. Validate his feelings. And do not demonize his Mom.

Speak with son. Age appropriately. Speak of control. Speak of rights and choice. Mom controls her actions. She has the right/choice to attend or not.

And son has choice as well. He can tell her his feelings.

During your and son’s conversation, possibilities and probabilities will come up. What is the likely outcome of his mentioning his disappointment to Mom? Would she start to attend? Would son want her to attend in that manner? Or would he rather have her attend from a more sincere desire to be there?

Cannot control her.

It’s a difficult conversation/leading/gently steering. Kids do find acceptance though. Which starts with discussing their feelings. Rationalizing their feelings. After all, acceptance is emotional understanding.

Neither you nor son can control Mom being there. However, you both can control/endeavour to accept. To let go that which you cannot control. To influence, positively, if and when/where appropriate. To be better, not bitter.

Yes, tall order. And a worthy one.

My goodness, if I had gotten p!ssed off all the times XW did (or didn’t do) stuff… Gosh, I’d have had a stroke! Let go. Focus on you. Focus on what’s important. You and son!

Focus on being the best version of you. You allowing yourself to get riled up from XW’s shenanigans does not serve you.

Son, focus on football. On practice. On doing his best. Regardless of who’s watching. And focus on being a kids. Have fun! Enjoying the games. Focusing on why his is doing it. The real reason. Happiness comes from within.

I suspect son is not yet ready to tell Mom his feelings. He cannot dare risk losing her, yet. In time, he will grow. In time, he will speak up to her.

Acknowledge son. Listen to son. Tell him you understand and love him. Absolutely love him! Continue being the strong stable parent.

Have a great Sunday.

D

Thanks D. As usual, you're right!

My son rarely opens up about much of anything, at least with me. Maybe he does with mom, IDK. He's always been a pretty quiet, shy kid. But he used to make little comments about mom not coming to watch him wrestle, or he'd ask why she's not there. That was when we were married. The first wrestling tournament he won, he was sad afterwards because she wasn't there to see it.
Recently he'll ask me if mom was at the game. i just say 'I don't know, I didn't see her'.

You're right, there's nothing I can do about it. Perhaps years ago I should have talked to her about it. Hell, I remember when we were in marriage counseling 6 years ago, and we brought son to one of the sessions. The therapist asked him if there's anything dad could do better, or you'd like him to do, what would it be? He sat there for about a minute, and finally answered 'I think he swears too much'. Then she asked the same about XW, and without hesitation he said 'I wish she'd spend more time with me.' I would be f'n mortified if my only child said that about me, but it didn't faze her one bit, and nothing's every really changed. Oh well.

But aside from how it affects our son, it affects me too, as i'm the one taking him to practices and games, volunteering, selling tickets, going to meetings, etc. I don't really think that's fair

[Terapin]

Hi folks. Hope everyone is well. Just wanted to give a quick check in.

Things have been ok I guess. Son is good. I"m still seeing the same girl, and that's (usually) going well.

I know this is a marriage forum, not a relationship forum, but I've been struggling with something.

I've been dating this girl for about 7 or 8 months now. I didn't consider it all that serious, but I guess it's getting to that point. I don't know how far it can progress, cause at this point I can't see myself getting married again. Anyway, she has only met my son like twice, and both times were social situations with a lot of people. I have told him a little about her. She's been pushing to be involved in his life. I guess I kinda been holding off on it for a few reasons (unsure of long term potential, unsure how to go about it, unsure how he'll take it, etc).

So XW comes to pick him up last week, and a different vehicle pulls in my driveway. I told son that that isn't mom, and he said it's mom's friend. She was in the car too, and they were going to her parents for Thanksgiving. Some dude with an out of state license plate, pulls into my driveway, and picks up my son to go to my former in laws for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn't very happy.

Obviously, it's none of my business who she dates (unless it's bad for our son). But to have this tool come to my house? Plus, as I said, I've been holding off my GF getting to know my son, cause I assumed it's best to wait for a while. Meanwhile, she couldn't have been with this dude for more than two months, and he's already involved in my sons life? I texted her and told her not to bring a guy to my house to pick up our son again. I know, bad move. She wrote back and said that he's a part of her life now, our son and her parents have met him, etc.

Am I crazy? lol

[Boat14]

I've been dating this girl for about 7 or 8 months now.

This is a long time to be dating for it not to be serious unless you are BOTH in agreement that it is just casual.

I didn't consider it all that serious, but I guess it's getting to that point. I don't know how far it can progress, cause at this point I can't see myself getting married again.

Have you communicated your feelings about this to her? Most middle age women will not stick around unless they see a future.

Anyway, she has only met my son like twice, and both times were social situations with a lot of people. I have told him a little about her. She's been pushing to be involved in his life. I guess I kinda been holding off on it for a few reasons (unsure of long term potential, unsure how to go about it, unsure how he'll take it, etc).

Ask him. How do you feel about Dad having a GF? Would you like to do things together with her etc.

I wasn't very happy.

Obviously, it's none of my business who she dates (unless it's bad for our son). But to have this tool come to my house?

You will slowly start to learn that your have absolutely no control of anything she does.

Plus, as I said, I've been holding off my GF getting to know my son, cause I assumed it's best to wait for a while.

That's how you feel. She feels different.

Meanwhile, she couldn't have been with this dude for more than two months, and he's already involved in my sons life?

How do you know how long she has been with him?

I texted her and told her not to bring a guy to my house to pick up our son again. I know, bad move.

Dig down deep about why this bothers you so much.

She wrote back and said that he's a part of her life now, our son and her parents have met him, etc.

In other words "get used to it"

Am I crazy? lol

You are only crazy if you think you can control anything she does moving forward.

[Terapin]

I don't know how long they've been 'dating'. But what mutual friends have said, she was completely single as of a few months ago. Then started dating a guy. Now is with this guy, who again, lives 4 hours away. Why bring a guy who lives 4 hours away around our son?

It bothers me that she seemingly has little regard for anyone or anything, other than herself. And that's fine, until it effects our son. 3 weeks ago she said she was going out of town for a 4 day weekend. She went to be with this guy. Does that bother me? Not really. What does bother me is that in those 4 days, she never once even texted our son to ask how he was doing, despite him wrestling two days in a big tournament.

It also bothers me that she would have this dude, who I never met, pull in my driveway to pick up our son. And what kind of loser would agree to do that? If I would have met the guy in advance, or even knew about him being in the picture, that would be different.

Again, those reasons are petty and stupid, I know. IDK why it makes me so mad to be honest.

[Boat14]

It bothers me that she seemingly has little regard for anyone or anything, other than herself.

Welcome to the world of the WAW. I use to joke my ex-wife was like Godzilla trampling everything in her path to get what she wants for herself. It won't last forever she will calm down again and take other peoples feelings into consideration. Right now she is like a fat kid in a candy store who hasn't eaten in days.

Again, those reasons are petty and stupid, I know. IDK why it makes me so mad to be honest.

I know the answer but I don't think you are going to like it.

[Terapin]

It bothers me that she seemingly has little regard for anyone or anything, other than herself.

Welcome to the world of the WAW. I use to joke my ex-wife was like Godzilla trampling everything in her path to get what she wants for herself. It won't last forever she will calm down again and take other peoples feelings into consideration. Right now she is like a fat kid in a candy store who hasn't eaten in days.

Again, those reasons are petty and stupid, I know. IDK why it makes me so mad to be honest.

I know the answer but I don't think you are going to like it.

Ok, let's hear it. lol.

[Boat14]

Ok, let's hear it. lol.

She's moved on and the family that you once had is most likely gone forever. That is often a hard pill to swallow. Couple that with the fact that you haven't found the right person yet so your future is unclear. This is all normal and will fade in time. Unfortunately in this game of life there are no shortcuts. You will feel indifferent one day.

[Terapin]

Ok, let's hear it. lol.

She's moved on and the family that you once had is most likely gone forever. That is often a hard pill to swallow. Couple that with the fact that you haven't found the right person yet so your future is unclear. This is all normal and will fade in time. Unfortunately in this game of life there are no shortcuts. You will feel indifferent one day.

That certainly may be possible. I guess trying to deal with everything (divorce, moving, etc, etc), the thought of another guy in my sons life didn't cross my mind that often.