Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

Thread three.

Titled in line with an earlier consensus of the regulars …

And a title style taken from the Rebuild of Evangelion

(I’ve watched the original series, series revised ending, first movie set, and the rebuild. There is so much human and metaphysical symbolism packed in there …. )

First thread:

Grief and Gratitude, Grok

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2949552&page=all

Second Thread:

Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950131&page=all


Awaken - by Breaking Benjamin

So far away, I'm dead awoken
And I'm faded, out of breath
Life falls to grey, hope of the hopeless
And I pray without a prayer

Cut my cover down
In the hollow between, you find the venom in me
Rip my world apart
In the sorrow beneath, you find the devil in me
…
Life falls to grey, hope of the hopeless
And now only dust remain
Tear my head apart
A broken life has left me born to burn
…
Stay forever in the light
I awaken, I survive
And I still hear the call of life
I'm taken by the tide

Arise!
…
Stay forever in the light
I awaken, I survive
And I still hear the call of life
I'm taken by the tide!

g

[DnJ]

Hello g

To me, love and marriage is so much more than a feeling.

I see XW now and do a double take. At first it looks like my W, then does not... It's as if the W I had is seen through a smoky and distorted funhouse mirror.

Her face fades...I still recall...the dream of a girl I used to know...as she slipped/walked away

I hear you man.


Also, Boston is awesome!!

(Another excellent artist and album: Chicago and their album Chicago 17)

D

[Caligirl]

Grok

Aftershocks… great way of putting it . On either end of this I find we are all in the same space . They are so random too . Just hit you out of nowhere. Music is a bit of a trigger for me . Not mine but H music . For months he was listening to random bands last year . Now if they come on awkward because I’m over in my head thinking who he likes that song about . Throws me for a bit . Any specific thing that triggers your after shocks ?

[grok]

A Birthday!

S12's birthday today! He is now officially S13. I have three teens in the house

We did presents opening this morning. (Good God! that battery powered nerf gun shoots hard! ... that's why eye pro is included in the box...) D17 was primary decorator. D17 and I shopped over the last week. D19 took him to Universal theme park yesterday, just the two of them, for the whole day. I paid his half.

D17 has a friend who makes cakes so I ordered one from her. It looks great! We'll do the cake tonight when XW is over bringing D17 home.

Aftershock triggers ...

Caligirl, it's been kind of eclectic. I wonder sometimes if it isn't a combo of a trigger and an internal build up that must be released. Things that point to the void between what is and what should have been. Some recent experiences ... and writing them down now brings some tremors.


- OM related...

Not so much anymore, but just like you mentioned, things that made you wonder. See her madly messaging in her car. Hear a small airplane fly overhead ("oh, OM flies overhead to show he's thinking of me").


- In church yesterday.

D17 and I entered and saw Grandpa sitting in a pew waiting for us. We sat beside him of course.

In the sermon... Upon returning to origin, without spouse. Bitterness.

Ruth 1:20-21

“But she said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the LORD has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?”

BANG trigger. I couldn't breath. Aftershock.

I do/did feel that way. I GET how she felt. Every issue XW raised could have been straightforwardly worked through. Are they distortions due to OM? or am I such a failure that the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?

But Naomi was not yet seeing the bigger ends and the blessings…I.e. Ruth was with her. And that was not the end of the story ....


- Music does it for me also.

I am an 80's kid...(Thanks DnJ for the Chicago 17 reminder ) Here's one from the other day, a new release from an 80's band. Such a cheerful pop synth sound woven with a touch of Melancholia (def. a condition characterized by markedly depressed mood, bodily complaints, and sometimes hallucinations and delusions). Playing of the themes earlier discussed of death and divorce. There is a lot of overlap. Substituting in the XW for "Mum and Dad" in the lyrics and see what you think.

It got me on first listen. I like the song. I can't listen without tremors. Yet. Catch 22.

Say Goodbye To Mum And Dad - by Tears for Fears

Say goodbye to Mum and Dad
Say hello to all the ghosts of Leningrad
Everything is up for grabs
Go tell all your friends society's gone mad

God is wise and Jesus loves us all

It's no life, this island of fear
When tomorrow comes
We'll brave the wild frontier
Get out this place
Inside, outside, nowhere to hide
When tomorrow comes
We'll face the great divide

Say goodbye to Mum and Dad (Say goodbye to what we had)
It's a dusty road of faded photographs
Wipe that welcome from the mat (Walk the dog and feed the cat)
Things are broken and they're never coming back

God is wise and Jesus loves us all

It's no life, this island of fear
When tomorrow comes
We'll brave the wild frontier
Get out this place
Inside, outside, nowhere to hide
When tomorrow comes
We'll face the great divide

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

Love the music you listen to . Many of my favorites too ! Love the 80s . Half my Spotify is all 80s . My kids randomly sing old songs too . Quite cute when people see them singing along too .

Distortion omg yes !!! Watching H slowly clearing that confusion up is utterly insane some days . They lived and continue to live a distorted life until it clears for some . I’ll give you an example . I asked H when I first found out why he cheated . H in one of his many spews said I felt like our marriage was over . I said why ? He said he felt like we co -existed and gave me a long list of everything I don’t do for him . I didn’t respond to much of it . Wasn’t wasting my breath. I waited now and re-asked the question . H - something was wrong with me I felt alone and chasing something that wasn’t real and realize now I should have just put the energy into my marriage. You are exactly the same person you have been . You just don’t ignore me as much anymore . Truth dart thrown - you are home and not cheating so I won’t ignore you . H agreed and said I don’t know how you even deal with me . I can say this was not a thing that changed in the last 6 months . This was 4-5 years of chaos to start seeing a shift that has stuck for the first time in a very long time . It is nothing you did or didn’t do . It is excuses they use to fuel their fires . H openly has said you made it easy to run when you would get upset at something . It got extremely hard to run when you started not even saying a word and got up to do your own thing like you didn’t even care . Stay your course Grok you are doing really well . I keep up with your posts and read some of the old threads .

When I went to bed last night . It was the first day that I noticed that nothing has triggered me since bomb drop . Even the few months before bomb drop when he wasn’t cheating . I still had triggers and anxiety . Day by day they get better .

[grok]

Emotional state musings and '80s music

I find my emotional state also has a long duration rise and fall, not just short term triggers as previous posts with Caligirl. This last week has been on the downside. I think ... pushed there by working all the complexities of splitting various retirement accounts and the presence of XW's parents over S13's birthday and upcoming Thanksgiving holidays. (oh yeah, and three children with coughs and sniffles again, ... and little dog reaching end of life, waking me several times a night and pooping on the floor everyday)

Queensryche has been the 80's band of the week. Something a little harder for my mood. Kids are not so sure about this band LOL. They certainly speak to some of our experiences. Here's to you Caligirl, DnJ, Mach1, and other music fans...

We question our very identity after BD. Was anything real? Doubt and Fear. Grasping at making changes to remain whole.

Someone Else? - Queensryche

When I fell from grace
I never realized
how deep the flood was around me.
A man whose life was toil
was like a kettle left to boil,
and the water left scars on me.

I know now who I am.
If only for a while,
I recognize the changes.
I feel like I did before the
magic wore thin and the “baptism
of stains” began.
...
Here I stand at the crossroads edge,
afraid to reach out for eternity,
One step, when I look down,
I see someone else not me.
...
From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
there’s a path leading out to sea.
And from somewhere
deep in my mind,
sirens sing out loud
songs of doubt
as only they know how.
But one glance back reminds, and I see,
someone else not me.

I keep looking back
at someone else… not me?


We will be tempted to stop believing in love. Betrayal from the ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD who you gave the ultimate TRUST. You will not EVER be the same. Will you put up those walls? Jaded?

I Don’t Believe in Love - Queensryche

I awoke on impact
Under surveillance from the camera eye
Searching high and low
The criminal mind found at the scene of the crime
Handcuffed and blind, I didn’t do it
She said she loved me
I guess I never knew
But do we ever, ever really know?
She said she’d meet me on the other side
But I knew right then, I’d never find her
...
I guess she had a way
Of making every night seem bright as day
Now I walk in shadows, never see the light
She must have lied ’cause she never said goodbye
....
No chance for contact
There’s no raison d’etre
My only hope is one day I’ll forget
The pain of knowing what can never be
With or without love it’s all the same to me`

I don’t believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don’t believe in love
I’ll just pretend she never was real
I don’t believe in love
I need to forget her face, I see it still
I don’t believe in love
It’s never worth the pain that you feel


And now? Can you change into the best man/woman that you can? Can you be who the best version of you from all you learn? Fire up that grit and determination.

Best I Can - Queensryche

A child alone in daddy’s room
The gun was hidden here
No one home to catch me when I fall
A young man now in a private chair
I’ve seen the world through a bitter stare
But my dream is still alive
I’m going to be the best I can

I want to be a busy man
I want to see a change in the future
I’m gonna make the best of what I have
I want to write for a magazine
I’m gonna be the best they’ve ever seen
I know I’ll win if I give it all I can
...
Back street hoop star you’ve got it good
You were the wonder of the crumbling neighborhood
Now taking bids on the next six digit plan
Showed me that my will survived
The tragedy that came into my life
giving me hope and the new start
that I have
...
Now I’m moving forward
And I’m never looking back
Straight ahead, focused on the big attack
On a roll and I’m never slowing down
I won’t be torn between
The man in the chair
And the man that’s in my dream
I’m going to melt the two men into one

I won’t let go, gotta make the grade I set
No, I won’t let it go
To be the best man,
the best man that I can

g

[grok]

Half my Spotify is all 80s . My kids randomly sing old songs too . Quite cute when people see them singing along too .

Heh, one night while doing a Critical Mass nighttime bike ride through the city I rode alongside a family. They had a daughter who looked 14 or 15. She had a bluetooth speaker on her handlebars (like many of the participants) and she was blasting an 80's playlist the whole 10 mile ride. I laughed and sang along...

H in one of his many spews said I felt like our marriage was over . I said why ? He said he felt like we co -existed and gave me a long list of everything I don’t do for him . I didn’t respond to much of it . Wasn’t wasting my breath. I waited now and re-asked the question . H - something was wrong with me I felt alone

Well, my XW did / said much the same, in the form of earnest talking, making it hard to see as spew in the moment. Even just the month after BD she used the phrase, "when we were married..." It was one of those signs I could hardly believe but meant she was emotionally completely attached to OM already. I drank the STFU smoothie. I had learned by that time the minimum of sticking to only emotional validation. Internally thinking WTF!!!?? We ARE married. Any issues with feeling we are "co-existing" can be worked on WITHIN marriage. There is some truth on disconnection there after 20 years and three kids and two careers.

I can say this was not a thing that changed in the last 6 months . This was 4-5 years of chaos to start seeing a shift that has stuck for the first time in a very long time .

Interesting on the timeline. It took me a long time to learn about affairs and PEAs and MLC and WAS/WW. Might as well throw in perimenopause as well... Once I did, I took a hard look. ... ~3 to 5 years was my estimate. XW had hard plans to be gone by then. ... D19 once asked me something along the lines of - when mom would be normal. ... I don't know D19. Best guess is 3 to 5 years if ever. She has a lot to deal with

It is nothing you did or didn’t do . It is excuses they use to fuel their fires . H openly has said you made it easy to run when you would get upset at something . It got extremely hard to run when you started not even saying a word and got up to do your own thing like you didn’t even care . Stay your course Grok you are doing really well . I keep up with your posts and read some of the old threads .

Thank you. I mean it. In this mess we have few if any reference points to check on ourselves.

Funny of the day

I'm sitting at home teleworking today. MS Teams meetings ongoing with headset. My cell phone security camera notifications blowing up about someone in the driveway. ... I check. It is S13 riding a wheeled desk chair down our sloped driveway repeatedly! LOL. Looks like D17 is instigating again. I have plenty of bandaids...

g

[Mach1]

How are things goin ???

From what I've heard, some of my weather is drunk, and in your yard... : )

[grok]

Hey Mach1,

Yep, that weather wanders down from ND sometimes. Though by the time it gets here it went from -20F in ND to +38F yesterday morning here. Still, if you want a laugh, google Florida winter or cold weather memes...

- Ya'll pray for Florida, it's 48 degrees and we don't own any pants
- It's time to break out the cold weather gear, I'll wear socks with my sandals.
- Take a look at the beach, those wearing hats and jackets are Floridians, the ones in trunks and bikinis are tourists...

Days and Holidays and ... I'm 55 today

It's been a few days since my last update... I'm constantly tired, minor/moderate stressors in multiple dimensions, tight with the children, it's been a time of consolidation of self, focusing on the close in, I check in and read here everyday, often composing partial posts in my head but ... Kids and I basically took Thanksgiving week off from anything else...

Little dog with cancer walks with difficulty, poops/pees on floor, wakes me multiple times a night to go out for 10 minutes. This may be his last week. D17 is having the hardest time with it.

D17 has two chickens surviving. We have started to let them out in the back yard, uncaged. Dogs seem afraid of them LOL.

I spend an evening a week now helping D17 with her dual enrollment college classes. Algebra and a Bible class. She doesn't seem to want mom's help.

S13 is in a bit of a funk. ... Reverting to "I don't know" whenever asked questions.

D19 is working hard still and trying to figure out how to not be tired all the time from working all day... Hahahahah... I really shouldn't laugh as the next generation discovers the toil of unsheltered adulthood. She is exploring the concept of moving out sometime and getting an apartment with a friend. I did a brief walk though of how it is possible, but not as easy as she thinks to pay for everything.

Made two, hour long runs to the store last night after getting home from work. Once with D19 and then another with D17. Sinterklaas traditions from partial Dutch ancestry. Put out shoes that get filled with goodies by the next morning. Had to go get the (secret) goods. And help D17 shop for her Secret Santa duties on her gymnastics team.

D19, "Mom is asking if it is OK if she puts Sinterklaas things in our shoes here"
Think for a moment. Is this good for my children? yes.
G, "yes D19, that is fine"

Friends

I may write out some longer bits another time... because some of this requires more contemplation.

I made a new friend at the brewpub before the dual hurricanes. I went on my usual Tuesday night but the crew I know wasn't there. So ... I got a beer and went to the long window table just me and a book. A guy comes up also solo and plunks down a space away. After a few minutes i say hello and he notices my bookmark is "The Four Agreements." It turns out he had recently read it ... Because:
      - He's a WAH
      - Two years separated, now working to finalize D
      - "Just wasn't happy" anymore
      - In therapy ... apparently not one encouraging working it out.
      - Was the second marriage
      - Had a D14 from the first, where the W used the courts to keep him from her. He kept records of all his attempts to get partial time. When she asked "why didn't you fight for me," he just handed her the records. She didn't need to read them all and they are tight now.
      - He got himself a girlfriend now, despite still being officially M, stbxw apparently went from non-hostile to ballistic when she found out last month.
      - Prior military officer, same service.

I just listened and didn't accuse. ... though I don't think I can agree with his approach or values here. Told him the outlines of my story. His eyes boggled a bit at her choices.

The first friend I made at the brewpub, F, is now getting a divorce. He talked to me about it a little bit some time ago. Apparently, his W, J, is a partial alcoholic and behaves badly the days following consumption. From his perspective...she won't work on it or change. She was welcoming and friendly to me on Tuesday nights.

A military officer who was a good friend some years ago is planning to retire and was asking me yesterday about locations around me in Florida. I'd love having him nearby as we've been out of touch for a while.

Grandparents

XW's parents still in town in their own RV. We get along well, though I think communication is awkward as they go through D19/D17 often. Interesting daughters' perception of them and mom and ... on whose home this is ... I put zero blocking between them and the kids. They are welcome to come visit or take the kids out.

"Dad, Grandpa and Grandma want to know if it's OK to come over and play games Sunday afternoon after church, they will be there and take us to lunch. "
"OK, sure, they are welcome, and it will be fun."
"Oh, they are asking if mom should come."
pause
"No."
"OK, at least they asked this time...."

Lines of authority

In line with whose home it is... I discovered S13 was planning a movie marathon day with his friends but had not talked to me. I think for him there is some internal confusion about lines of authority and areas of responsibility. Having mom in the home some hours each week ....

G, "S13, were you planning this with just your friends? Do their parents know?"
S13, "I don't know"
G, "OK, but this has to be done by parents, not just kids arranging what they want..."
S13, "Well, I talked to mom about that I wanted to do."
D19, "S13, Whose home is this?"
Both D19 and D17 point at me.
G, "S13, for things done here, you have to talk to me and I'll talk to their parents."
S13 hangs his head
G, "You have a good idea and it will be fun to plan a Minions movie marathon for you and friends."
D19, "we'll pencil in in on the calendar and work on it."

Thanksgiving

The kids and I made a spread of traditional thanksgiving stuff. Took all afternoon to make! They didn't mention mom. I didn't either. I had one question from S13 about the grandparents coming over but I deflected it. Maybe I should have been blunt. ... Best judgment at the time and all...

Kids wanted a bluetooth speaker in the kitchen to listen to music... So I did one better. I pulled out of the closet a partial tube(!) based mini-integrated amp and speaker set. Did some minor repairs on the volume control and set it up on my large kitchen island. Gloss black so it looks and sounds pretty good.

and Christmas next up

The day after Thanksgiving, D17 had most of the Fall decorations already packed up! LOL. We got out the Christmas decoration boxes. D17, S13 and I also went out to inexpensive stores to get decorations for the home. Wall stickers, bottle brush trees, nativity nesting dolls, little battery lights, and more! It really looks good!

The tree will have to wait a week. I want it to live until New Years. Starting last year, I changed out from the artificial tree XW always liked to a real tree. Traditions and patterns for the 4 of us only.

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

Nice to see you putting the kids first with the grandparents. I did the same . When all came out I think H parents thought I wouldn’t let the kids see them . I said we may not always see eye to eye but that doesn’t involve the grandchildren. You are welcome to come in anytime. Your son is banned when he moves out . His parents surprisingly agreed .

I’m cracking up at the speaker !! It took me a week how to figure out connecting to the echo dot . I’m sure the kids love it .