Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

A soft ice creamer maker! Cool!

I have to remember all over again. I’m it. No one else to share duties with. It can still be disorienting.

Oh, I do remember waking up like that. It is disorienting as the realizations slam back in.

I’ve been late on a number of things as I work out how to single parent.

Yes, give yourself some grace. It takes time to figure this stuff out.

One of the biggest lessons of single parenting. Letting things go. There is lots to do- usually too much - ensure the high priority, important stuff is taken care of and go on from there. And do carve out that so important recharge time for grok. Burning out serves no one.

You’re doing really good g!

D

[Caligirl]

Grok

I found to help with being disoriented just selecting 2 things to accomplish. I started this few years ago when I felt like my weekends were not really days off . It has helped tremendously.

If it’s late . It’s late . Promise the world keeps spinning .

[grok]

A soft ice creamer maker! Cool!

Well, not quite! LOL. Soft ice as in the kind of ice many fast food or restaurants use. The ice chunks are made so they are filled with little air bubbles, making them crunchy to chew. Not hard and solid. One step above shaved ice.

I found to help with being disoriented just selecting 2 things to accomplish. I started this few years ago when I felt like my weekends were not really days off . It has helped tremendously.

Solid advice. Not only do things get done... it feels less overwhelming and you get a feeling of accomplishment.

If it’s late . It’s late . Promise the world keeps spinning .

Mostly I'm good with that ... though in some areas the engineer in me gets aggravated things are not optimized. *sigh* working on that.

Like tonight. On the way home the other night I picked up the extra ingredients to make a Fettuccini recipe I had looked up. Remember all those extra boxes I ordered to get free shipping of a Christmas gift? White sauce/Kale/Sausage. Sounds delish! I started setting out all the ingredients and found I needed more unsalted butter. OK. I’ll go out to the garage chest freezer where I have some bulk supplies stored.
…
Why does it smell and feel soft? OH! #$%^#&%^$%^&.
…
It’s plugged in but not working. Irritation rises. I throw out three family size bags of Arby’s fires, 32 sticks of butter, some lbs of ground beef, … mutter, mutter, mutter
…
Stop it G. … the world keeps spinning …
…
Change of plans. What else did I bring home from the previous grocery run? Start with some chicken tenders for protein. Simple with some seasoning and olive oil in the skillet. Then I have green beens to cook. About six minutes to just soft and put some feta on top. Oh yeah, I got that pack of pre-made mushroom ricotta ravioli. Four minutes in the pot.

I find this combo on my plate very satisfying. Now off to make something S13 will eat. He does NOT have adult taste buds yet.

That broken freezer is an accomplishment to achieve some other day.

g

[grok]

Time flies.
I started this post six days ago

I think up the purpose and an outline of a post at least every day. ... S13, D17 and D19 need my attention though. S13 at 11:45 last night. "Sorry to wake you up. Dad, dad, I don't feel good. My belly hurts. I think it's sick feeling." Nyquil and vitamin C and a glass of water.

I still go through the archives and older threads. Yes, my D is final and I'm working through the aftermath and consequences. The lessons in relationships and personal growth though... Well, I'm still learning a lot from real people's stories and their attempts at applying DB lessons. Often said here, applying DB concepts becomes life long.

How do I pick threads? Well ...a variety of ways...though it really is just when something catches my interest.

The latest is from my FB alt account. I get friend suggestions there with last or first names being DB or DeeBee with the other names being their forum name. If they were involved enough to make an alt account, there is probably much to read. The latest is from rockedworld and associated threads.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2049467&page=all

The search here is ... lacking ... So hit your favorite search engine with "site:divorcebusting.com nameyouwanttofind"

Things that resonated

On the complaining WAS who is in an A....

(He swears they are just "friends" now and only hung out together with a group of people. Whatever! )Sheesh!

I am happy to give you the # to 1-800-WAAAAHHH that flowmom gave me for my H. wink The nerve of them complaining to us! I will never understand that.

You WILL go through the stages. And as you detach (lose your spouse goggles?) you will see your spouse for what they are right now.

My H's behavior this past weekend created a turning point for me I think. It was just so unbelievably selfish and pathetic. I had been really grieving prior to that, and still have my sad moments. But, now... I almost feel repulsed when I look at him. Hard to imagine.... this man I loved so deeply and was so attracted to for over twenty years. And now, .... well, ugh!

This is the feeling that catapults you out of the grief and mourning phase. You get to this phase when you are ready to see and accept what's in front of you and not what you thought you had in front of you.

Remember ...

Hey Romeo... it's called Eau d' Je suis vaut la peine wink

In case anyone is wondering... that means Essence of I am worth it! That is my attitude these days. smile

Why does it always seem to occur around 20 years together? Is there something about the human condition that makes 20 years the hump to get over?

Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.

Today I am sad. frown

I'm facing this now. I just don't know. Just packed things away for now...

What have others done with wedding photos/mementos? I find this is one of the hardest things to deal with.

I worked 6 hours going through everything H had given me-keepsakes, stuffed animals, cards, love letters, the whole 9 yards as it is said. I tossed most everything out. The more beautiful love letters and cards, I placed in a box along with our wedding album and put it in H's home office. When he arrived back home, he saw the box and said "are there things in there you want me to have". I said yes, nothing more.

I felt okay about it all. I cried, got mad, cried some more when I went through everything as I don't want a D. I did feel somewhat "cleansed" of my pain after I tossed out the memorabilia. The pictures of H and I together were the hardest to deal with, these went into the round file too.......

I think that I need to just put all of that stuff in a box and store it away for now. I am not ready to go through it all and I feel it would set me back in my progress right now. Some day I will. Just not now. And that's OK.

I put all our albums in a bin, and stuck it in the garage. I think I labeled it "open upon my death"

It's there, should I ever want to look at it. If 20 years go by and I haven't opened it, I will just chuck it.

We often feel like we have to be taking action, doing something, setting things final ... Though we don't have to. Be stable and comfortable in limbo or other.

Still, don't feel pressured to slam shut any doors that you don't have to. You don't have to walk through them, take your time.

This concept is connected to the poem I copied from others before -
“Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?”
-Lao tzu

Understand you can only control and work on YOU. Do the right thing. Know your values and boundaries. Own your part. Be able to sleep at night because you know it. WAS and OM/OW? That is on them.

We are DB'ing, not promoting Divorce, but UNTIL the interlopers are out of the picture and our Spouses focus on themselves, we really can't do much else.

But I can sleep at night. Sinclair, I want you to be able to look in the mirror and KNOW you did the right thing and can sleep at night too.

In the end your self respect is resident in you.

And IS defined by YOUR actions and choices.

When we come here we don't see that right away. It is a process to get there.
...
Your values and your integrity. You can never go wrong when you do that because it is not dependent on the action or reaction of another person.

All the boundaries in the world will not restore that in yourself.

So choose your boundaries wisely and for YOU. And make sure you are prepared to make consequences for them and that they align with YOUR goals.

In the end your self respect is resident in you.

Umm yeah, but I have yet to meet a person with healthy self-esteem that doesn't have healthy boundaries.

And I've seen a lot of marriages get into trouble because both spouses didn't have healthy boundaries.

Time makes a good point Sinclair and one I should clarify.

I am not condoning bad behavior. What I am saying is that your boundaries are for you. To protect you.

Not to control someone's behavior or have an expectation that it will do anything but protect you from the bad behavior.

I am also saying that what your W chooses to do despite your boundary should not have a bearing on your self respect.

For instance she can choose to ignore your boundary. Does that mean she doesn't respect you? Maybe. Maybe she feels like she's being controled? Maybe because it's Tuesday.

If anyone here can give you the answer to that then have them give you the winning lottery numbers too.

Don't tie your W's choices to YOUR self respect.

The operative word is healthy. Healthy for you.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

A soft ice cream maker! Cool!

Well, not quite! LOL

lol. I see I added “cream”. Hahaha. I must have been excited.

Yes, I understand the soft ice maker. Still very cool!

Why does it always seem to occur around 20 years together? Is there something about the human condition that makes 20 years the hump to get over?

There is usually/typically the next stage of life around then. Both partners are advancing and changing, and need to rekindle and reconnect as these “new” people emerge. Unfortunately things can go off the rails. Especially if both people wan at the same time.

From couples that remained married and in love for 50, 60, and beyond years, they often point out a one interesting reason among the others: We both didn’t fall out of love at the same time. Everything waxes and wanes.

Personally, I also find modern society quick to jump upon feelings rather than follow beliefs. It is normal during life’s various transitions for feelings to stir and such. Decisions based upon emotion lead to regret. Hold course or make regrettable decisions, IMHO.

We often feel like we have to be taking action, doing something, setting things final ... Though we don't have to. Be stable and comfortable in limbo or other.

Amen. Absolutely.

Let those feelings flit.

Embrace limbo.

Hope you have a wonderful day g.

D

[grok]

evening snippet

torn and loose ends

I was making medical appointments with D19 today as she is still scared of Drs. Eye, ENT, Labs, Orthodontist, Dentist. XW used to do ALL of these with the kids as they were during work day hours. Things lost and late. running running

D19, "Dad, we have to do the Ortho real quick. I've about run out of all the retainers they gave me. ... They have to sign off so the Dentist can put in the other stuff."

I look at her for a moment thinking about how long that would be. I ask, "D19, was that about two years worth?"

She says with lots of sarcasm, "Yes Dad, that was when EVERYTHING was dropped."

Oh.

I'm ... still finding and picking up loose ends left ... with my children, with the home, ... and me.

"OK D19. .... ..... I'm .... a lot was .... your mother ... ... I'm ... still trying to do all the things."

small aftershock

emotions cycle

g

[MamaG]

I just responded to your thoughts on my thread and as I re-read your comments from 1/15, I realize how similar our paths are. Roughly 20 years. Listening. Cycling. Drinking as many STFU smoothies as we can.

She says with lots of sarcasm, "Yes Dad, that was when EVERYTHING was dropped."

Gotta love kids of all ages. On one front, kids are our saving grace. On another, such a fulltime job. They certainly speak their mind. I laughed when I read this comment. I can hear my D saying this to me and there would be an eyeroll with her delivery. Perhaps hands being lowered and smacking her thighs in frustration as she stomped out of the room with a SMH.

I remember my S telling me a month after BD to stop playing victim. In hindsight, he was the wise one.

They aren't shy with snarky comments. They feel safe telling us their thoughts. Consider it a compliment.

You're doing great, G.

[grok]

Gotta love kids of all ages. On one front, kids are our saving grace. On another, such a fulltime job. They certainly speak their mind. I laughed when I read this comment. I can hear my D saying this to me and there would be an eyeroll with her delivery. Perhaps hands being lowered and smacking her thighs in frustration as she stomped out of the room with a SMH.

Yeah, similar here.

Though in this context I believe D19 was talking mostly about XW. This and the other things we had been talking about were all XW's responsibilities during our marriage.

children's perspectives
Perhaps it is just my perspective as the duties I had always done, I continued, and the things WERE XW's duties got mostly dropped. ... well, I am slow to realize sometimes that they were dropped, and I have to pick them up. From MY perspective it is clear.

From a child's perspective it might look different: Parents have always done X, Y, Z, 1, 2, and 3 for us children. We children do not have the direct knowledge of how Dad (X, Y, and Z) and Mom (1, 2, and 3) divided up the household responsibilities. Now Dad is here and Mom is over there and only X, Y, and Z are getting done. Dad, why is everything, i.e.1, 2, and 3, dropped?

I started to say something about XW dropping all the things ... Then bit my tongue. Put the wall back in place. My children are not to be vented to about XW. They are certainly not dumb. They will perceive and trust based on my ACTIONS. Often repeated here, stop talking and DO.

I validated many things were dropped and it is a problem.

I told her I'm doing my best to pick up and track all the things.

children -> adulting
I have been thinking about how to get D19 and D17 to pick up more of "all the things," i.e. "adulting" ... I was messaging with my old friend (the previously described best man) about some of this. He has older children now too. He expressed how he and his W have been asking their children to step up and take on more duties in the household. For older teens and up it is time to take on the responsibilities. Perhaps lay it on D19 that it is time to take on more things as her own responsibility. BEFORE she heads out on her own sometime.

g

[grok]

AAR quicklook

grok is processing processing

... a bit of a low level surge of emotions and chemicals churning in the bloodstream

XW tells S13 more

XW stopped by, bringing S13 back home after a few hours out this morning. She then came upstairs to the MB where I am teleworking today at my desk. She shuts the door and says she needs to talk to me. I'm sitting at my desk. She is standing. I don't get up.

She says she HAD to tell S13 more about "the situation." Such an obfuscating word.

- He was noticing things
- Stuff disappearing, stolen, and being followed
- Like that corrupt county we used to live in
- I had to tell him something
- I'm a straight shooter
- Septic system at her RV and now at her rented biz place both having issues because sabotage
- They take stuff out of her car
- Amazon packages are stolen
- Surprised she still has a car
- D19 and D17 think I'm crazy but it's happening and S13 is noticing without me prompting
- THEY are even disconnecting the 3D printer and connecting it elsewhere!!

poker face G, "OK ... that sounds hard"

XW starts to walk out, "You're condescending. You need to work on that. I know you know more than you are letting on."

Some expression G, "I'm ... sorry you feel that way"

XW pauses and looks, "I know. I can see it on you."

poker face G, gently, "I'm listening. What is it you wanted to tell me?"

- Rambling about things she is trying to do that she wanted even before we were married
- Do you have concerns about homeschooling him
- I'll agree to put him in a school if he wants to go but he doesn't
- You have to tell me these things

poker face G, "I ... don't have a problem with homeschooling. I watch and observe and see. I will do what is right for me and my children. If he needs to go to a school I WILL talk with you."

XW emotionally, "With these cameras in/on the house everyone is recording and watching me. "

G pauses, softer face, "NO. I did not put these cameras here to watch you. "

XW emotionally, "Well if you aren't, THEY are. Through the cameras. But THEY won't do anything to the kids. And I know you will protect them. I want the kids to be safe. This is not their problem. "The situation." "

poker face G, "YES. I WILL keep them safe."

XW, wet eyes, "I'm NOT COMING BACK. I know that is what THEY want. LINES were CROSSED in our marriage. The kids have to be kept out of it."

XW exits straight out.

I'm not sure what lines were crossed that she is referring to. Right now, she feels strongly that I crossed some lines and hurt her too badly. It IS an illustration of the push/pull concepts discussed as part of DB. She quite clearly feels like THEY are pushing her. So. She resists. "I won't be told what to do or feel"

I don't think I've done ANY R talk since fall of 2023. I'm not sure why coming back was inserted. This version of her is not attractive to me. I've just left it at "The future is unwritten" while pressing on with MY life.

***BREAK - D19***

1 hour later D19 comes zooming home at ~late lunch time. It's a little unusual so I go downstairs to see. D19 is standing at the bottom of the stairs with a **LOOK** on her face. I motion for her to follow me back up to the MB and shut the door.

G with a hug, "OK ... what's going on?"

D19, with tears, "SHE TOLD HIM!!! He's 13!!! She shouldn't have done that. He DOESN"T. NEED. TO. KNOW. AT. 13. ... D17 texted me AT WORK and CONFUSED ME. You have to talk to him. Take him out for ice cream or something. He's going to bottle it all up otherwise. AND he believes everything she says about all this!!! Because it's HER. Is she crazy? Other people's packages were getting stolen too. And my wifi behaves wonky sometimes too. That's just life."

G, wet eyes, gently, holds out his hand, showing her, it is shaking a little bit, "I ... know D19. She said ... many ... things to me over the last two years. I don't know how much is true or not. I had to learn to not focus on that and spend my energy on making sure you and D17 and S13 have a safe HOME here. We only control ourselves, not her. We do not control what she says or doesn't say. S13 may believe her or not. We can only show him how we behave."

D19, "But it's not right. And she things everyone is spying on her. It's not true!"

G, "D19, I did not put up cameras to "spy" on her or you. Because I'm now alone as a parent here I believed I needed to know who is coming and going around and in my home. I wanted to make sure my kids are safe and secure."

D19, "Yeah, well, this is not the best area of the town. We probably should have had some cameras years ago...."

D19 zooms back to work.

g

[Whatlee]

grok,

Your post are so captivating. You articulate the hell you are going through so well. When you write about the bike rides, the ice cream trips and even the crazy that you deal with, I feel like I have read a chapter from a Nicholas Sparks book. Your kids are so blessed to have you. You are a great dad. Keep up the good work.