Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

For those following along, the amp/speaker is the HTC HMS-100, an OEM version of some hobbyist audiophile stuff (google for images). Purchased for $80 on clearance one day on a whim. It's pretty in chrome and gloss black.

It came with an iPod dock... iykyk. And a brush and white gloves to take care of fingerprints! I never did replace the tubes to experiment with other versions or mess with the speakers. I've had it in the back of my mind to replace the internals of the iPod doc with a Bluetooth receiver...a hobbyist modernization. Quirky fun

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Happy 55th Birthday! Hope you had a great day.

S13 is in a bit of a funk. ... Reverting to "I don't know" whenever asked questions.

S13 was planning a movie marathon day with his friends but had not talked to me.

Sounds like son is acting like a typical teenager. Brooding, starting to push boundaries, testing you, seeing how rock solid your convictions are, etc. Don’t worry, it’s only a phase. It only lasts until they’re about 25. LOL!

The amp looks pretty cool! I think a Bluetooth receiver would be an excellent upgrade.

D

[grok]

...down one dog

Well, little dog with cancer finally met his end on Monday… Peeing on his bedding I washed every day. I consulted with the children and D17 didn’t want to put him down so long as he wasn’t in pain or loosing his mind.

I was teleworking Monday. Made eggs and bacon for the kids before they woke at S13’s request. Figured out D19 didn’t have work until 10:30. OH! There is a gap here where all three kids are home together with me right now! Let’s go get our Christmas Tree! Off we went, after waking D19 (grumpy and moody after being woken with a 10 minute deadline…). We all enjoyed the hour, going and playing music, picking an eight foot White Pine, discussing where in the living room we will put it this year. Big dog’s crate got moved for it…he was so confused! LOL!

I had put the little dog outside in the sun for the afternoon like he enjoyed. In the evening it was time to go take S13 to his scout like troop…though I had little spare time to squeeze in the full work day and all the over activities. In a rush out to my vehicle, I remembered little dog outside at the last moment and rushed back to bring him inside. He had fallen asleep in the sun outside in the back yard and never woke up. About a good a way as he could go. He hadn’t been eating much at all the last week. He couldn’t walk.

I put the body in the garage and pondered… when to tell each child? How? D19 is at work. D17 is at gymnastics. I’m taking S13 to his troop meeting.

I decided to try and wait until we got back.

While at the troop meeting I get messages from D19, ”Where is little dog?!!!!”

OK, well, she will take it the best. So, I just told her…. And that I hadn’t told her siblings yet. D19 immediately grasped the dilemma. Since she was going to pick D17 up from gymnastics (XW said she couldn’t that night, please someone pick her up) and volunteered to delay D17 coming home so I could tell them together. ”I’ll take D17 out for a Boba or some other treat to delay her.”.

D19 ended up getting chicken nuggets and French fries for all. But had to tell D17 on the way home. I told S13 when we got home. Hugs to D17 and S13 ran off for a couple minutes. None wanted to go see the body.

"Why are you here?"

Around 9p, our two remaining dogs, big and little, got anxious around the door. I had an idea of what was going on and saw XW’s outline through the door window. I just unlocked the door and opened it while continuing on about my evening business. She came in the door looking around for the kids. D17 was on the couch looking at her.

D17, ”Why are you here?”[/]
XW, [I]”to give hugs…
D17, ”NO, I mean WHY are you IN THE HOUSE?”
XW tentatively, ”… I can go back outside if you want … I’ll wait in the car?”
…
XW, ”D19 messaged it might be good if I came in tonight.”
D17, ” … no …”

S13 got 10 minutes of hugs from mom.

D17, D19, …. Some minutes and then went their own way.

I didn’t take part. I busied myself with other things needing doing. This is between her and them.

My consoling and advice for them was before and in the hours over the next day.

g

—written at the campfire tonight on my laptop … one night campout with S13 and wreath laying tomorrow at the National Cemetery—

*Wreaths Across America*

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

My condolences on the passing of your family’s pooch. A loving faithful companion. (((Hugs)))

He had fallen asleep in the sun outside in the back yard and never woke up. About a good a way as he could go.

I agree. Nice and peaceful. Wrapped within a warm beam of sunlight.

D

[grok]

I realized I hadn't been adding lyrics last few posts ... I guess the feels from the music has been separate from the stories I've been relating ...

from the harder rock before though new-wave/goth of The Church, The Cure, New Order, ... to being more chill of

the last few days it has been back to dance/electronica/ambient. No, I can't dance. I'm terrible at it. But I do find the complex morphing beats to be calming in a way.

I used to listen to ambient after I got home from work to help me put away the busy of the day for a while.

"Hey Spotify, play Röyksopp radio."

The Next Day - Röyksopp
...
She came to me with sincerity
She gave me all that she was
I took her in, let love begin

But in the morning next day
She had to go, she couldn't stay
I never got to know why
She gave a kiss and said goodbye
But as she walked out the door
I saw the tеars behind it all
The dying light in her еyes
A jaded heart that would keep us apart

Oh, I wanted to stay beside you
Oh, I wanted to stay beside you

well ... that struck home.

XW, shortly after saying she wanted a separation, "G, my heart is hardened now. I don't think you can reach me."

I find out LATER (from snooping) she was already fully infatuated with OM when she said this. Yeah, ... No $h1t. When you are in an A, you will not be open to me, your H.
...

A little while later in the generated playlist, tying back to the 80's music, much to my surprise was this artist combo in my playlist. I know Jean-Michel Jarre as an electronica pioneer starting in the late 70s, popularized in the 80s, and the first Western artist to perform in China after Mao. And the Pet Shop Boys? LOL. Synth-Pop stars of the 80s with many hits. Together?!

Brick England - Jean-Michel Jarre, Pet Shop Boys

Evening
When the sun begins to sink
behind the smoke
there's a burning red glow all around
Watching
as the colour starts to fade
and the darkness
seems to rise out of the ground
Walls rise and fall
and now they're building tall
in the city
Brick England
They build them up
and then they knock 'em down
to put up another
Brick England

What a catchy blend of both signature styles! and perhaps hits my melancholy streak more than I need. It doesn't pull me under anymore. Still, no need to dwell there emotionally. I was on overload far too long.

g


Ack! I let one more superbly catchy beat though! Dreams of a past gone by ... ... or a future to be

Diamond Veins (feat. Sarah Rebecca) [Kid Francescoli Remix]

Blood-filled jewel of life
Take my soul, take my sacrifice

Diamond veins running through me
You are the diamonds in my veins
Baby, you caught me

[Caligirl]

Grok

I’m so jealous of the campfire . It’s been cold here so no fires . Such a peaceful thing I enjoy .

Sorry to hear about the pup . But what a way to go in the sunshine . Sounds peaceful .

Your music choices are always interesting. Hard hearts are definitely unreachable . Your posts help give me a sense of peace at times . Love reading them .

Hope you and the kids have a wonderful holiday .

[grok]

Your posts help give me a sense of peace at times . Love reading them . .

Here’s one for you then. A "Slice of Life" bit. They help me ... withstand.

A Christmas shopping side story

So, … shopping at Walmart with D19 for a last few bits and looking for maybe a hoodie for S13. Nothing in the kids section. Check the mens section… a small might work. She finds a one with an anime character he likes … except the only ones of that style are mens 42-44 sized!

We look at each other. Thinking, well, he could wear it as a tent? …. aaarrrrggg! *sigh*

I whip out my phone and the WM app to look it up. There is one small supposedly in stock 30 minutes to the south …. I’m not driving all that way for this. Maybe I can order it delivered? I check. Yes! Delivery on the 24th. No! The app reverts to a different zip code. Aaarrrgg! I fight with the app while we walk around and finish shopping. As we walk out of the store, I’m about to do the online checkout, and I realize the total is $10+ high. ???

Ok. Next fight. With the app. Bring it on. …. “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!” *sigh*. Fine. I’ll figure this out as we walk out to the car.

G, ”hey D19, I have to add more to not pay shipping on the one item…what do we need?”
D19, ” Oh! Annies Mac n Cheese Please! The white cheddar kind!!!”
G, ”Ah! Good thought. Easy and reasonable healthy and D17 likes them too”

So I add 4 boxes to the online cart, as we are walking in the parking lot, … “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!”

*sigh*. Fine.

So I add 4 MORE boxes to the online cart, as we get in the car in the parking lot, … “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!”

*sigh*. Fine.

G, ”OK D19, we’ll go as soon as I can complete this. I still need more. What are those noodles long like spaghetti but flat?”
D19, ”Dunno, google it”

Hahahaha … Google autocomplete’s the question before I finish typing. I’m not the only noodle dummy out here. Fettuccini.

So I add 4 boxes of fettuccini to the online cart. “You get free shipping for your order over $35!” Finally. I mark them all to come on the same day.

$20 for the hoodie. ~$20 for noodles. We’ll eat them. Just buying ahead a little.

D19, "Lets go already! I'm hungry. I want Mac n cheese"
…
Annies Mac n Cheese delivered yesterday
Fettuccini delivered today
Still waiting for the hoodie
…
SMH. *whatever*

Wrong Side of Heaven

I’m stronger…but still … the holidays hit you sideways sometimes anyways.

The song is about PTSD. You experience. Loss of Identity. Shame. Guilt. FAILURE. Yeah. You. Me. LBS. …

An IC I talked to offered PTSD treatments. Not unusual for the LBS.

Wrong Side of Heaven - Five Finger Death Punch

I spoke to God today
And she said that she's ashamed
What have I become?
What have I done?
I spoke to the devil today
And he swears he's not to blame
And I understood
'Cause I feel the same
…
Arms wide open
I stand alone
I'm no hero
And I'm not made of stone
Right or wrong
I can hardly tell
I'm on the wrong side of Heaven
And the righteous side of Hell
The wrong side of Heaven
And the righteous side
The righteous side of Hell

I'm not defending
Downward descending
Falling further and further away
Getting closer every day
I'm getting closer every day
To the end


In hindsight, one of my biggest fears has been my biggest stabilizer. Single Dad. Three kids.

G’s parents, ”G. You have to do what it takes. You have three precious children who need you. RIGHT NOW.”

Yeah, that is an external locus. I know. It is an immediate hands on focal point though … while I work on the inside.

Which also helps drive a plea to the Almighty. To set myself aright, to be able to hold them in my arms in a stable home, I need my feet on solid ground. I must WITHSTAND this storm.

And I found out they have provided stability to ME in return. Filling in the gaps. Accepting and helping in reordering the household rhythms.

Withstand - MUCH MORE

I was bankin' on myself and my righteousness
Overthinking left me vacant up in my chest
Oh God, I was so upset and
Oh God, I was so obsessed with
My thoughts they were in the flesh and
My God, I was on the ledge when

You set my feet on the rock
No more sinking in sand
For much I was bought
Now much more I will withstand

g

[grok]

… the holidays hit you sideways sometimes anyways.

this evening

The kids left for mom and grandparents ~1+ hours ago. D19 herded the other two and said lets go. ... part of Christmas reduced to a settlement contract between XW and I. the 24th her. the 25th me. It make me want to throw up.

the rationalizing offered by XW echoing around my insides.

Wrapping a last few items while they aren't here. Little dog snoring on the bed.

Listening to Spotify radio based off all my likes... whew! that is a variety.. LOL.

Cleaning and resetting my oversized custom Amish desk. All those things needing attention when running a household... Medical, cars, bikes, ... messaging parents and sisters.

Opening and resetting connectors on the inside of my main computer monitor. Dell U2711 off ebay years ago. A 2011 model! It's gradually degrading and I should get a new one. To upgrade will need $400 plus though. *sigh*

her
Going through the little decorations, I come across a figurine of Wonder Woman I got from a vending machine ~15 years ago. I have had it in front of me at my desk under my monitor at work or at home for all these years. It represented XW to me.

My hands start shaking. I put it in a box in the closet. Things of HER have to be put away. I .... can't right now.

Spotify is playing ...

Waiting for the End - Linkin Park

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
...
I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
...
'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Whew! Breath.

Stop and reset

Stop it G.

Wonderful normal kids who love being here with me. Great smelling 8 ft Christmas tree and I put cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg in a pot on the stove. Presents for all under the tree. Interesting and solid job and workmates. Flex time. Solid loving parents and sisters. Hehe, even when we haven't gotten together in years, if we sit on the couch together ... suddenly we are in a pile just as if we were still kids together... LOL. Four bedroom home, with space, I can afford. And on.

Kids said they would kick in so I can get Audioengine A1 speakers at my desk for presents The Cambridge Soundworks FPS2000 speaker set I've been using for ~20 years will go to D19. Good quality lasts ... I'll have to get the Audioengine S6 subwoofer some other time. Yes, a budget audiophile ... Anyone know where I can get a Sony TA-N9000ES amp repaired? It's about 55 lbs so I don't want to ship! Originally worth about $2k+ 25 years ago...it still will sell for $8-900!

I digress ...

D17 messages, "Daaaad, we're gonna need help bringing in stuff when we get home. ..."

Oh my! but ... I notice ... I ... am her home.

g