I am glad you are finding peace, and sharing your hard-eared wisdom. Yes, discovering and remaining true to one’s self, one’s morals and values, is such a worthy path.
Originally Posted by Catman19
THEY have to earn your trust, THEY have to earn your forgiveness.
Interestingly, we/LBS have to (re)learn/(re)discover how to trust and forgive after betrayal. And yes, trust is an earned thing.
The first, trust, starts with trusting ourselves. It takes a purposeful conscious effort to keep one’s heart soft and squishy and not allow it to harden towards others, life, and self. It’s a willingness to trust again, to believe again.
That willingness leads into forgiveness as well. A willingness to forgive, it’s not an effect from some cause, it’s not something earned. In fact, there is nothing they could do to earn your forgiveness. Forgiveness must be given, not earned.
Forgiveness is for you. It frees you. Frees you from holding grudges, a need for retribution, or retaliation. It writes “paid in full” on whatever invoice your heart is holding. Believe me, one’s heart needs to be squishy to accomplish such.
This is not some free pass either. One still holds them accountable for their actions. Along with holding oneself accountable.
Being trustworthy, or untrustworthy is more easily seen from actions. It’s more straightforward. Accountability for their actions and behaviours. They can be held as untrustworthy and yet still be forgiven.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Realize what you are forgiving. The sin, the deed, the transgression; not the person. Trying to forgive the person, places one upon a false moral high ground from where we decide and dispense forgiveness. We are ill-equipped. No man can see all ends. No man can judge a soul worthy or not. Only God can forgive the soul. We mere mortals forgive the deed.
You love the person, and forgive their actions. This has nothing to do with if they deserve forgiveness, or not; if they’ve earned it, or not. It has everything to do with you. Those deeply held values and convictions.
Forgiveness frees you. Heck, they might not even know you forgive them (their deed). Often they don’t know. It’s not like you have to tell them. Forgiveness is for you.
I think you are doing very well my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I couldnt have said it any better. I have forgiven her in my prayers and have asked God to help her see the right path, as Jesus said to his father on his crucifixion, "forgive them for their sins for they know not what they do". I feel i no longer require closure, my form of closure is the formality of the signatures on the legal separation snd then divorce. One cannot undo the past wrongs. I have decided that it was not meant to be nor could it be again or anymore, i searched long and hard in my soul and realized I could not place a square peg into a round hole. The journey of self discovery and finding ones self again is a difficult and arduous path, but deep down inside you know when you have achieved this, it brings you a sense of comfort and mostly a sense of liberation, a form of escaping the mental prison one has been placed in by no fault of their own.
Another word of advice for everyone on these boards : do not seek self discovery by adding someone to your life, add someone to your life only when and if you truly feel ready and open to be yourself and give another person an oppurtunity to see the person you are happy with when you look into the mirror Only then will you truly be ready and open to start a new chapter in your life, doing this early will only self sabotage your efforts and set you back. Only when you are healed or accepting of your destiny and situation can you then offer the best of yourself, never offer someone a broken and unhealed soul because you wouldnt want anything but the absolute best you to be seen in someone elses eyes. Do not rush the healing process and do not get into a relationship until you are truly and fully ready. You will know when you are and you will feel it then.
Another word of advice for everyone on these boards: do not seek self-discovery by adding someone to your life, add someone to your life only when and if you truly feel ready and open to be yourself and give another person an opportunity to see the person you are happy with when you look into the mirror. Only then will you truly be ready and open to start a new chapter in your life, doing this early will only self-sabotage your efforts and set you back. Only when you are healed or accepting of your destiny and situation can you offer the best of yourself, never offer someone a broken and unhealed soul because you wouldn't want anything but the absolute best you to be seen in someone else's eyes. Do not rush the healing process and do not get into a relationship until you are truly and fully ready. You will know when you are and you will feel it then.
Well put, C. "Self" discovery is about becoming the best you possible. Someone else may complement that best self, but ideally isn't required to be the best you. I continue to wish the best for you and hope the path to healing remains rewarding. Best, P
So the process of divorce is still dragging on for me, ive gone through the court process now which takes time and has cost me a ton of money. Still sitting on a quarter million in the bank from proceeds of home sale, shes still refusing to sign our mediated agreement which is the simplest and cheapest way for both of us to move forward. I have a strong feeling she will contest the divorce to keep me from moving on and forcing me to return overseas to appear in court, mind you i conceeded pension adjustment for difference, conceeded on not receiving spousal support, gave her the car in separation at a discount. Its been 3 months and i still feel like im in a sort of limbo or a metaphorical prison not allowing me to fully move on. The relationship im in here has become a bit more serious and i wanted to offer my new partner a baggage free me, and a clean slate to build on. I feel like i am shortchsnging her because im still legally married in both countries. I do not bring up the subject because i do not want to insert that into the equation and bring negativity to it. Im still burning through excessive amounts of money merely maintaining my marriage based debts and payments, which would be completely paid off when separation is signed. It almost feels like im fighting a battle on two fronts, one a battle of building and fighting to put roots down and create a new life, and another battle, simultaneously fighting to break free from the shackles that are impeding my growth both personally and professionaly. I have absolutely no idea why stbxw is delaying/blocking separation, someone brought to my attention how her new partner has him and her as their instagram and facebook profile togethef, yet she seems to purposely want to not see me happy or see me move on. I feel like im her personal possession and if she cant be happy she doesnt want me to be happy as well. I have not posted any pictures of my new partner, i do not want to antagonize stbxw into contesting in court and i also dont want to ruin a good thing.
I have had a little bit of success in my new career as i have made my first business deal and will be getting some decent cash flow soon. But between legal costs, car rental, debt payments i feel a financial noose around my neck and an emotional one as well that i need to get rid of to finally be free and clear. It is coming up on almost 2 years now from d day and i feel i do not want to waste any more emotional energy on dealing with this. Im very convinced now the stbxw is a narcissist, treating me like a possession that cannot be let go of while she lives whatever life she decides.
Just just checking back in here, ive read everyone else's posts but havent had an oppurtunity to reply. I have kept myself as busy as possible here and establishing my new life as best as i can, starting to adapt to the way of life and building connections in the meantime. Today is a difficult day for me mentally, my court divorce petition was finally registered on friday. Its surreal seeing the case filen- me vs her. Never did i imagine when I said my marriage vows that it would ever be me vs her, i always saw it as us vs the world, together as one. I feel i have had no choice but to take this step. Today she will be served with the court documents and be given 30 days to reply to my petition, so no more delaying or playing games with the process. I still feel a heavy burden on my heart as this signals to me half of my life completing disappearing, a failure and the nearing of the end of a large part of my life. I still get the occasional moments where i find myself leaving the home and going to a quiet place to cry and let out frustration. So for anyone reading this, it is an ongoing process and you will sometimes fall back into the old thoughts but through perseverence, it does get better. Baby steps of sorts.
On the dating front ive been seeing someone for almost 3 months and have enjoyed and cherished the experience and forced myself to live in the moment and enjoy creating new memories. Although this has been a good experience i do not see it going for much longer. I entered into it with low expectations and not forced it to go in any direction, the 1 and a half years of being alone has tought me how to put my best foot forward but also to be careful and look for characteristics and values that match what I want. This has allowed me to be ready for the right woman but also not to settle for any less than what i believe i deserve, and it has become clear that the new relationship is becoming a way out of a difficult situation for her and not a true and authentic connection. And for that I am backing off and not rushing to get into anything again in the meantime. Being alone helped me realize my worth and value and taught me valuable experience in how to present myself to someone new and offer them something without giving up who I am. Sometimes theres a right person for you in your life at the right time, and i think the experience has helped me shape what and who i want in my life in a healthy way. This hasnt affected me not even a fraction of what the process with stbxw has but ive been able to handle my emotions much better and havent projected my inner thoughts into this process now.
All being said, everyone going through this right now, stay strong and work on yourself as best you can, whether you are attempting to fix something broken or deciding to move on. Be kind and generous to yourself and dont let others dictate the healing process for you. This is a journey set on your terms and following your timeline and you have to love yourself first before ever considering offering that sacred blessing of your heart to someone new
So just another update here, there were delays in having the stbxw served and she finally got served a week ago to her lawyer, something that she should have done many months ago, getting a lawyer. It seems her intent is one of vindictiveness and I sense she's getting coached by someone who was an ex of one of my friends. It is somewhat a combative type of approach, which baffles me considering everything shes done in the last 2 years and me negotiating everything in good faith. She now has until November 28th to reply to my court petition and file full financial disclosure. I requested all my entitlements on the court documents but left separation agreement that I had signed on the table. I have a strong feeling she is going to take the vindictive route and fight me in court, at which point I'll be forced to fly back and appear. I do not understand this approach as it's not only not beneficial to either of us but also going to get expensive. And we do not have any kids so none of this is necessary.
I truly think I am dealing with someone with some sort of personality disorder as this is being dragged on in a coercive, vindictive manner. Even the vehicle which has car loan financing on it under both our names, I received a notice 3 weeks ago saying there's been 4 missed payments, and banks can repossess after 3 missed payments. The car is still on the balance sheet as an asset under my name as was my car. I emailed here asking her to deal with it, she replied saying she's taken care of it. Now yesterday I receive another message saying 5 payments have been missed.
I seriously have a feeling she is doing this purposely out of anger and spite, for me leaving, as in how dare he leave my life, I'm going to punish him now. This is not normal human behavior when you are the one that steps out of the marriage. At least I have set timelines now and I can stop the financial bleeding it's costing me 3-4k a month on car rental and debt upkeep, not to mention 6k legal costs already incurred. I just need any agreement to be settled on so I can move on, pay off all my debts and detach legally and financially from her.
Otherwise on the personal front a relationship I had here for 3 months ended but I decided it was best for me as I did not see honest intentions. Met a new person and am taking it slowly, I've learned a lot being alone and know now not to settle for anything less than I deserve and the experience of dating again has given me an opportunity to get comfortable with the experience, and has allowed me to be comfortable being my best self around new women. Hopefully I have an end to this all soon and I can fully and 100% move on, with no more anchors holding me down and a purely clean slate in a life that I have full control over which direction it goes.
Sorry XW has decided to drag this out. Unfortunately, her behaviour is not all that uncommon.
It is very difficult to figure out their intent with such actions. Actions which are not even in their own best interests. Cost grow and grow, time drags more and more, to get what is already settled upon.
Yes, often there is someone coaching and directing from the shadows. Feeding into the punishment narrative. These “helpful” others getting that pound of flesh that they feel they missed out on during their’s. Ha, with friends like that you don’t need enemies.
Hopefully, XW finds a reasonable lawyer. Not a recommendation from these friends. There are all kinds of shysters out there who can see her coming a mile away. And will happily rack up billable hours for a pretty straightforward agreement. Like I said, hoping for reasonable.
Hang in there man. You’ve done your part. Things are signed and served. Let your lawyer deal with this.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So just last night i receive an email from my lawyer. Turns out stbxw lawyer has made revisions to the separation sgreement where i conceded my entitlements. This was my worst fear, having a lawyer who just wants to create more work and go the combative route. Its becoming quite absurd at this point. So now it seems i will either have to accept more concessions, which is already turning this into a lopsided arrangement in her favour or i decide to fight her in court and go after everything im entitled to. I thought she had a narcissistic personality disorder but now i also think she is being psychopathic. Still dont understand how she can be on om number 4 or 5 and still try to hold and maintain control over me and take the most vindictive path possible. Like i mean she filled up 2 storage units with our belongings that i allowed her to keep, 2 cars, no spousal support requested and no pension valuation adjustment and somehow this mutually agreed upon arrangement now has to be revisited somehow
So turns out the revisions to separation agreement were basically a make work project for her lawyer, a rewording of the agreement we had. So the agreement is now signed, both by me and by her.
I thought I would be happy but a flood of emotions and grief hit me hard. Realizing something I built with someone for 22 years is now over, memories and moments and flashbacks of everything we had together entering my consciousness. I never thought it would hurt this much, words are hard to describe what it feels like. 2 years of riding a roller-coaster, ups and downs and feelings of hope mixed with feelings of despair, hoping the apologies were real only to realize her behavior hadn't changed. Realizing I loved this woman more than life itself and now seeing it burnt to ashes, ashes scattered with the wind, never to be put back together, a realization of what could have been and now can no longer be. Questioning my life choices and decisions and wondering why the one woman I devoted myself to for the rest of my life, through my thoughts, my words and my actions, now knowing that I was nothing more than not even a 4th or 5th option, just an acquaintance. Life must carry on but until then this is a bitter pill to swallow, but one I must ingest for my own well being
Hi Catman. Sorry to hear things dragged along. I hope you're doing as well as reasonably possible these last few days since you posted. I can't imagine the hurt, doubt, regret and other completely reasonable thoughts and feelings you're experiencing. It is, unfortunately, something one has to endure and I hope you're better equipped to do it by leveraging what you're learned here to take at least some small edge off the experience. I hope to see an update soon and please let us know if we might be able to specifically respond to anything else that might be popping into your thoughts.
