Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

Old thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950700&page=1

At almost 2 years in since BD1, 1 year since H moved out, I'm living my new life. Loving my new life is on the horizon; I can see it. After all, I have sooo much going for me. So many blessings.

I hope this helps. I do understand how difficult it is to let go. The more you can look for meaning in your actions versus asking why your H is doing his will help.

YES, it does. In the last message you sent, the line that stood out the most was:

I wouldn't say he's being charming... more so that is that he's trying to do the same dance. You have always been there. You have always chosen him first. He is losing it that - and whether or not he still loves you - it's uncomfortable for HIM. Therefore he will find ways to keep the dance going.

The reason is because it would be a 180 for you. It would be a 180 in the dynamic of your relationship. I'm not saying to say anything back to him. In fact - I wouldn't say anything at all in regards to his whining about work. Again - I really think this is more about him trying to make sure the old dynamic is in play versus anything else.

After reading your answer, I considered canceling today's visit to change the water filter or to apply your feedback. I chose to test my ability to follow your guidance. I chose to show H a new dance - no dance! And, in less than 30 minutes, H was back on the road.

180 #1: H arrived and as usual, pulled into the garage and came right in. Instead of yelling down a cheery, "Hi" as I typically would, I kept quiet.

180 #2: I walked down the stairs with a cup of coffee and Dog1. Well is downstairs anyway so no need to come into main home.

180 #3: I guided H right into the room where well is. There's no reason to stare into each other's eyes today to the point of discomfort. Valeska told me to change the dance!
H: Where is tool1 that I leave here?
M: Where it belongs.
H: I don't use it for anything else so it stays here.
M: I'll go get it.

H gets into the repair.

H: Where is tool2?
M: Where it belongs.
H: H reminisces and says a funny of something that happened years ago. I didn't laugh and caught myself being cold (versus detached). I mustered a warm response with a subtle chuckle and he returned to the job at hand. I didn't engage down memory lane as he attempted.
H: Did you know that this was my first hammer?
M: Yes, perhaps you should take it with you.
H: No. (He very quickly responded and his demeanor seemed to change. It was almost like, H realized something was off.)

H finished the repair and handed me the tools.

H: Alright, is there anything else you need done?
M: Nope. I'll flush the pipes out. Thank you.

180 #4: Reluctantly, H puts his coat back on and attempts to gaze into my eyes again. I don't reciprocate; I thank him and open a path for him to leave.

H: What's wrong?
M: Nothing - insert confused look on my face.
H: Are you sure?
M: Yes (said with certainty)

I re-open the path for him to go and he notices. H appears confused and disappointed. We aren't dancing, but H continues to try.

H: Like my new jacket? I thrifted it.
M: Didn't notice it. It looks like one you had before.
H: Yes, it reminds me of one your sister gave me 20 years ago.
M: I guess my sister gives good gifts.

H finally sees that he's overstayed his welcome but instead of leaving, pulls out a chair and proceeds to pet Dog1. WOW, H isn't accepting the hints coming his way.

Learning....H really tests my boundaries and it really does require will power and consistency. I am determined to not dance today! Still, no monster from him. Just what appears to be confusion.

180 #5: H is limping - almost seems exaggerated for me to notice and comment. H looks back for me. I was looking the other way and didn't comment on his pains.

And another attempt to engage thrown my way....

H: Did the garage door spring break?
M: What do you mean?
H: I noticed that you have a box of a spring in the garage.
M: Yes, in the summer.
H: Did you have company x repair it?
M: No. I bought one and had it replaced. (I didn't mention who; he didn't ask. On the heels of our convo this week where a number of repairs were talked about being fixed by my man friend, his face says it all. My guess - and I know I could be wrong - H thinks there may be someone else in my life and fixing 'his' stuff.)
H: Oh

I again, guide H to the garage and am sure to bring tool1 and tool2 out with me so that there aren't sticky fingers.

H: I finally got my license. Can't believe they let me drive without it for 3 weeks.
M: That's good. (I was confused as earlier this week, H asked if his license came to the house yet. Not sure if a change of address was done or not. Who knows?! Oh the confusion.)

180 #6: H is walking slowly and waiting for me to engage. Exaggerating the limp again. I followed him and opened the garage bay for him. If H wasn't sure that he overstayed his welcome, he does now. Oh his face.

180 #7: No warm hug good-bye today.

H: Alright, I'll go run my errands now. Insert huff.
M: Sounds good. Have a good weekend.

I walked back into the house and closed the door before he was even in his vehicle. I listened for his vehicle door and then the garage door to be sure H didn't have time to take anything.

MamaG2.0 is being introduced.