From what I've read and been told by others, having a united front when it comes to limiting the damage to the kids is key. If I want to be my best self which means being my best dad, rocking the boat with I'm not leaving, you can leave followed by a bunch of animosity isn't going to help the kids process this. Seems super unfair from the LBS perspective but struggling with that. Without kids, no brainer.
It is generally true that, as parents, you want to have a united front WRT kids as often as reasonably possible. Like any guideline, it may not "always" be right or appropriate. This can be a tough spot to navigate. To be the best dad, it may be necessary to prioritize what's best for you inidividually and then your kids. As I was just reading in another thread (I believe Caligirl's and a post from Job), you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs, as we hear from flight attendants before any flight.
You can only control yourself. If you kids don't see you behaving in ways the demonstrate animosity, but do see your spouse doing so, they will remember that over time. Over 40 years ago, my parents got divorced and I can tell you to this day every way I saw my mother act with animosity towards my father. By comparison, my dad consistently took the high road. Over the longer-term, it led to a better relationship between he and I than me with my mothers. I respected and looked up to him more. When my W filed for divorce, my D15 absolutely saw a balance of me acting in the most civil manner possible while maintaining my personal values/boundaries. It is a different way to think about being the best dad to your kids by practicing a bit of self-care/orientation.
In many situations, couples who are going through a crisis do not always provide a united front for their children. The spouse that was left behind generally is the one that will exhibit a more positive front and no matter what is going on, do not put negative comments out there. The spouse that walked will most likely be the one to provide negative comments.
You want your children to know that they have a safe place to land and talk to you and the only way to do that is listen and if they ask about the situation, try to be as honest as you can without a lot of negativities.
Before you can assist them, i.e., just like on a plane, you need to put that oxygen mask on first and then assist your children. I know it's difficult because you are having to deal with the fall out and try to provide a safe place to land for your children.
You can do this. You want them to know that they can come to you and yes, they will remember just how the two of you reacted not only to the situation, but to each other.
Come here to vent...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don’t know that I’ll ever get back to feeling the way about you that I once did but I’m stilling willing to try. I know you don’t feel that way and want a separation which I’ve respectfully granted with as little friction as possible for the sake of the kids. But I feel like I was rushed and talked into the agreement to share an apartment on a rotating basis during the separation and my initial hesitation to that agreement was brushed aside. As a result, I’ve changed my mind. If you want a separation, the separation is yours and can be had in the apartment. I’m staying in my home and sleeping in my bed.
I have changed my mind. I am staying here. Let’s discuss the best approach for coparenting. This is what I propose…
Especially leave out the feelings you mentioned at the start. Talk about your feelings here not with her. Feel process and utilize them to be better. Move forward with gentle strong confidence. Keep on being a great dad and treat her kindly.
I’d stick to meat of the issue. Your point of view. Your decision. And not telling her how she feels. Nor giving her any extra ammo.
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I don’t know that I’ll ever get back to feeling the way about you that I once did but I’m stilling willing to try. I know you don’t feel that way and want a separation. which I’ve respectfully granted with as little friction as possible for the sake of the kids.
But I feel like I was rushed and talked into the agreement to share an apartment on a rotating basis during the separation and my initial hesitation to that agreement was brushed aside. As a result, I’ve changed my mind.
If you want a separation, the separation is yours and can be had in the apartment. I’m staying in my home and sleeping in my bed.
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I know you want a separation.
I was rushed and talked into the agreement to share an apartment on a rotating basis during the separation and my initial hesitation to that agreement was brushed aside.
If you want a separation, the separation is yours and can be had in the apartment. I’m staying in my home and sleeping in my bed.
This is your line in the sand.
The agreement was not a signed legally binding arrangement.
Seek legal counsel before agreeing to anything else. Seek legal counsel to ensure you know your rights and obligations. It’s just gathering information. However, it is best to be prepared.
It is sometimes difficult to see what is truly best for the kids. If you stand your ground, remain kind and cordial, respectful, non-demonizing to their Mom, you will be alright.
Separation/divorce is messy stuff. Horrible stuff. Do not get talked into, gaslit into, unwittingly giving up your rights. It’s ok to push back, to speak to a lawyer. For most folks this is the biggest decision of, and will have the biggest impact upon, their lives.
Be strong. Focus on you and the kids.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 01/03/2505:37 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agree...stick to the issues at hand. Do not agree to anything without speaking to a lawyer. Just because you speak to a lawyer doesn't mean a divorce at this time...you need to know what your rights are and how you are going to be able to take care of your children.
I would most definitely stay in my home. If she wants a separation, well...she can leave or move into another bedroom...you...take the main bedroom.
Listen to the others...less words and just stick to the facts. She doesn't care if you felt rushed or not.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Your children need to know that you are there for them.
Come here and ask questions and above all else....do not agree to anything at this time until you have sought legal counsel.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That went as you all predicted. I did ok but wish I was a little less emotional when she said you're putting your own needs in front of the kids. Wasn't horrible but I had to point out the irony in that statement.
Home improvement in the morn then gym. Made chicken larb bowls for the girls tonight and at D13s bball game now. Feeling pretty good about the day.
