And no,Ididn't say anything about this specific support group. Just told her my support group, who has seen 100s of these things, said she should move out of the marital bed.
I suggest you reframe this. YOU do things and enforce YOUR boundaries because YOU chose them.
You will learn a lot here. And I do suggest following the advice. Not because people here said to. That will come across as weak.
Instead do it for you,
as your own choice,
and own the choice and action.
Be Strong.
Choosing and acting what is right.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
And no,Ididn't say anything about this specific support group. Just told her my support group, who has seen 100s of these things, said she should move out of the marital bed.
I suggest you reframe this. YOU do things and enforce YOUR boundaries because YOU chose them.
You will learn a lot here. And I do suggest following the advice. Not because people here said to. That will come across as weak.
Instead do it for you,
as your own choice,
and own the choice and action.
Be Strong.
Choosing and acting what is right.
g
I agree 100% with Grok. I understand the allure of referencing this group and it can range from 1) shifting who the "bad guy" is from you to the group to 2) referring to some more neutral parties (though we only hear your side of this situation) with accumulated experience/expertise. I'm sure there are more reasons. That said, her response suggests it probably didn't have the effect or impact you hoped.
I have a close friend who similarly tells his current W that either I or another long-term friend say that he should do X, Y, or Z about their marriage. It just doesn't help the situation IMHO, no matter how you slice it. As Grok suggests, I expect it makes a person look week and unattractive (as R2C might say).
I recommend NOT talking about this group, much as MWD recommends keeping her books to yourself. Like those books, this group is here for YOU and YOUR growth, self-improvement, and well-being. Don't give her more ammo to be angry with you. Better to let her sit in her own choices and actions to see what her life is like w/o you, your influence, or your support. And, not to be mean to her. Instead it is because you are working hard on things for youself and kids.
And, you did several good things in that conversation. I recognize that and applaud you for it. Keep up the good work!
I thought about appearing weak when mentioning the support group but yes, was using it as validation that what I was saying and doing was correct and I do think that helped her get the message and not stay in the marital bed the last couple of nights which is what I was looking to accomplish. She leaves for the apartment tomorrow for a week and is expecting me to take the second week. I'm sure she's going to lose it when I tell her I've changed my mind about rotating out of the house and if she wants to separate, she can stay in the apartment. She is the primary caretaker and the kids are going to want her in the home which is where I get conflicted but I also get skeeved out about potentially staying in the apartment if it's simply serving as her sex nest.
I understand your use and validation of the support group reference. However, it best to just state things sans source. Right now, W has a much different viewpoint than you. And she is not on team Josh. Any references, any source material, she will try and tare apart. To find flaws. And believe me, they will just make it up if they have can’t find any cracks.
Also, your reading, counselling, improving, betterment, etc. will all be viewed, in her eyes, as manipulation. Just an attempt to win her back.
So how do you alter that?
Time.
You do. You don’t talk about it. You do it. You live it. Actions speak much louder than words.
Obviously you still speak, but not harp. Tell her you aren’t moving out of the bedroom. Then live it.
You can apologize for wrong doings. It’s ok. Do so, once. And then make the change, and live the new and improved you.
She will notice. However, it is going to take time for her to believe in your changes. So do them for you.
Originally Posted by JoshSco
We went to counseling but she decided that we should prepare for a trial separation after the holidays so that's where we are.
It sounds to me like you got talked into the arrangement. I’d tell/discuss with W that you’ve changed your mind.
“W, I do not wish to separate. And I understand you feel differently. I am willing to working on this marriage, and am going remain under this roof. If you wish you live elsewhere, so be it.”
Something along those lines. Clearly stated.
She will likely get pretty angry. That’s ok. Anger is still passion. Indifference is when things are really dying.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Have you got that STD test yet? I doubt he’s the first. You need to protect yourself! Run, don’t walk to your nearest doctor and get a barrage of tests for everything.
If the opportunity comes up, move back into the house and tell her to move out or throw her stuff on the kerb. She’s the one choosing to break this family, she should move out - not you.
Wise advice.
Although, tossing all her stuff to the curb will likely yield in some legal repercussions. So maybe not that far.
Stay in the house. Be an equal, or more than 50% caregiver to the kids. (Very important!)
Hope you and your kids have a fun New Years and all the best in 2025.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
No it doesn’t. If your intention/preference is not to separate, then don’t. If she does. Walk. Walk into becoming the best you and being the best taking care of home and kids. And for goodness sake GAL!
First off happy new year . Make 2025 the best version of josh .
The sex nest : do not go to the apartment. She wants it . So she can have it . My suggestion is during her time there use the time to be the best father you can . Minimal contact and just love on your children . Children need consistency. Be their constant . Let her throw her fit . Ignore it . Learn to end conversations and/or not respond . You will get some hate , spew, fire just keeping on doing you . It takes time for them to see changes it also takes time for them to learn you won’t be baited .
When W has the children . Get out . Do you . Say nothing . Nothing ! Just return happy and back to being a great dad .
Let that A fizzle , crash , burn and pay no mind to it .
Validation is not you validating what you say , more of what your W brings up .
Example
Wife : it was extremely hard to feel you weren’t helping with the children’s after school activities.
You : That sounds frustrating
I will say on the other side of beginning to repair when he says stuff to me about what I didn’t do for him . I stare at him like a deer in headlights , wait a minute and he says yea I sound stupid now .
My GAL is going well. I'm in great shape, taking care of myself and keeping busy!
There's not enough room for the kids at the apartment and we don't want to have them moving back and forth which is why we were going to rotate. But I can use the beach house Thursday night through Sunday night, work from there on Friday and come back to the primary house after work on Monday. I can also stay with a friend on Wednesday and Monday/Tuesday if need be so I don't need to stay at the apartment.
Doesn't "I do not wish to separate" negate the whole premise of the last resort where you have to be willing to walk?
The first time my W filed for D, I worked with one of the DB coaches found elsewhere on this site. She gave me guidance on using a version of the LRT. It was something like "To me, divorce is not the best solution to our issues. I understand you believe it is. Because I love and respect you, I recognize I need to let go".....or something along those lines. If MWDs brief podcasts are still availabe on iTunes or Google, she has a better version of this that I think I quoted in one of my prior posts. The point is that you are owning your feelings while validating hers. I hope you have a copy of DB or DR where the LRT is discussed. It might be a good time to revisit it. MWD also has a YouTube video or two that covers it but the podcast was the best IMHO.
Regarding the rotating living arrangement, have you talked with an attorney about what legally is best for you? I believe DNJ references this is earlier in this series of posts. It is almost always a bad idea for either parent to "move out" in any way.
