Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

Old thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950700&page=1

At almost 2 years in since BD1, 1 year since H moved out, I'm living my new life. Loving my new life is on the horizon; I can see it. After all, I have sooo much going for me. So many blessings.

I hope this helps. I do understand how difficult it is to let go. The more you can look for meaning in your actions versus asking why your H is doing his will help.

YES, it does. In the last message you sent, the line that stood out the most was:

I wouldn't say he's being charming... more so that is that he's trying to do the same dance. You have always been there. You have always chosen him first. He is losing it that - and whether or not he still loves you - it's uncomfortable for HIM. Therefore he will find ways to keep the dance going.

The reason is because it would be a 180 for you. It would be a 180 in the dynamic of your relationship. I'm not saying to say anything back to him. In fact - I wouldn't say anything at all in regards to his whining about work. Again - I really think this is more about him trying to make sure the old dynamic is in play versus anything else.

After reading your answer, I considered canceling today's visit to change the water filter or to apply your feedback. I chose to test my ability to follow your guidance. I chose to show H a new dance - no dance! And, in less than 30 minutes, H was back on the road.

180 #1: H arrived and as usual, pulled into the garage and came right in. Instead of yelling down a cheery, "Hi" as I typically would, I kept quiet.

180 #2: I walked down the stairs with a cup of coffee and Dog1. Well is downstairs anyway so no need to come into main home.

180 #3: I guided H right into the room where well is. There's no reason to stare into each other's eyes today to the point of discomfort. Valeska told me to change the dance!
H: Where is tool1 that I leave here?
M: Where it belongs.
H: I don't use it for anything else so it stays here.
M: I'll go get it.

H gets into the repair.

H: Where is tool2?
M: Where it belongs.
H: H reminisces and says a funny of something that happened years ago. I didn't laugh and caught myself being cold (versus detached). I mustered a warm response with a subtle chuckle and he returned to the job at hand. I didn't engage down memory lane as he attempted.
H: Did you know that this was my first hammer?
M: Yes, perhaps you should take it with you.
H: No. (He very quickly responded and his demeanor seemed to change. It was almost like, H realized something was off.)

H finished the repair and handed me the tools.

H: Alright, is there anything else you need done?
M: Nope. I'll flush the pipes out. Thank you.

180 #4: Reluctantly, H puts his coat back on and attempts to gaze into my eyes again. I don't reciprocate; I thank him and open a path for him to leave.

H: What's wrong?
M: Nothing - insert confused look on my face.
H: Are you sure?
M: Yes (said with certainty)

I re-open the path for him to go and he notices. H appears confused and disappointed. We aren't dancing, but H continues to try.

H: Like my new jacket? I thrifted it.
M: Didn't notice it. It looks like one you had before.
H: Yes, it reminds me of one your sister gave me 20 years ago.
M: I guess my sister gives good gifts.

H finally sees that he's overstayed his welcome but instead of leaving, pulls out a chair and proceeds to pet Dog1. WOW, H isn't accepting the hints coming his way.

Learning....H really tests my boundaries and it really does require will power and consistency. I am determined to not dance today! Still, no monster from him. Just what appears to be confusion.

180 #5: H is limping - almost seems exaggerated for me to notice and comment. H looks back for me. I was looking the other way and didn't comment on his pains.

And another attempt to engage thrown my way....

H: Did the garage door spring break?
M: What do you mean?
H: I noticed that you have a box of a spring in the garage.
M: Yes, in the summer.
H: Did you have company x repair it?
M: No. I bought one and had it replaced. (I didn't mention who; he didn't ask. On the heels of our convo this week where a number of repairs were talked about being fixed by my man friend, his face says it all. My guess - and I know I could be wrong - H thinks there may be someone else in my life and fixing 'his' stuff.)
H: Oh

I again, guide H to the garage and am sure to bring tool1 and tool2 out with me so that there aren't sticky fingers.

H: I finally got my license. Can't believe they let me drive without it for 3 weeks.
M: That's good. (I was confused as earlier this week, H asked if his license came to the house yet. Not sure if a change of address was done or not. Who knows?! Oh the confusion.)

180 #6: H is walking slowly and waiting for me to engage. Exaggerating the limp again. I followed him and opened the garage bay for him. If H wasn't sure that he overstayed his welcome, he does now. Oh his face.

180 #7: No warm hug good-bye today.

H: Alright, I'll go run my errands now. Insert huff.
M: Sounds good. Have a good weekend.

I walked back into the house and closed the door before he was even in his vehicle. I listened for his vehicle door and then the garage door to be sure H didn't have time to take anything.

MamaG2.0 is being introduced.

[Valeska19]

MG,
This was a really good interaction on your part. As you said, not cold... but accepting of the situation at hand.


Expect your H to double down on not losing the dance. What this looks like depends on your H. Sometimes it's in the form of anger spew. Sometimes it's in the form that playing the victim hard. Other times it could be in the form of reaching out or being helpful. You know your husband best so try to predict his hand and when he plays his cards... be ready to have a counter.

The hard thing in this stage is to remember that your H is human. Humans have complex emotions. Sometimes LBSers can't comprehend how a WAS could "want out" and still "struggle to let go" But it's very common... in fact... almost every WAS shows some sign of struggle. For you - don't confuse that for positive interaction. You are only recently detached - it's too early in the game for that.

For now - this is about him. Not only until he has lost everything, sat with all of his feelings, worked through his sh!t, that he can have the emotional capacity to say "Is this what I truly want in life". He will then decide whether to let you go or decide to participate in the new dance you created.

You allow him to have that journey. Should you chose - you can watch from a distance. But know that it's still some time off (if ever) and things will strangely feel worse before they feel better.

Again really good job with the conversation. It is so hard to be distanced from the person we love....

... and yet we constantly need to remember to honor their choices.

I got very used to saying that to my X. It pissed her off alot... but it didn't make it any less true.

Happy Holidays MG!

[MamaG]

A short 4 hours after H left, I rec'd a text. As far as I can tell, H hasn't doubled down as Valeska points out. I've got my eyes open though.

I will say that I suspect H is moving through the tunnel. H has dipped a toe or two into depression and may be further along than I thought. Time will tell. I will stay the course and remain detached until outreaches are meaningful. Superficial conversations are of no interest to me.

H: How's the water? (What a strange question to reach out to ask. I presume anchor checking as the dance didn't go quite as he planned.)
M: It's fine. Thx (responded the following day)
H: I'm glad (responded immediately after receiving my text)

And that was the last of our conversation. No Merry Christmas message was sent by either of us.

Talked D through her anxiety and she eventually made it to Christmas dinner. She wanted to go to see a couple family members but could do without a visit with others. After some conversation, she fessed that she was worried that H hadn't gotten her a gift and she didn't know how she'd cope. There's that 'fear' again. I need to work with her on this....as I've been helped here. TY DnJ for the great insight a few weeks back that I can share with D.

In the end, she seemed to have had a great time and only mentioned a couple things that really upset her. I couldn't explain one of them - perhaps you can help me. Basically, about 10 years ago, we bought our dog a collar with sea turtles on it. Admittedly, I don't think it's a great looking collar but here's what interesting. D said that H's dog is wearing the same exact collar. I don't even know how he could've come across it 10 years later. For this reason, she thought H had taken it from the house to put on his dog. Knowing that it's a duplicate, she felt better that it wasn't sticky fingers. Yet, she is now more perplexed about why he'd buy the same exact collar....with sea turtles.

Even stranger to me (and I didn't say this to D) is that his first tattoo while in MLC was one of a large sea turtle with a saying, "If not in this life, in the next". Could his subconscious have attracted him to the sea turtles 10 years ago....and they still have meaning to him? He also bought sea turtle puzzle to put together earlier this year. I'm so confused. Dogs and sea turtles just keep surfacing. Any explanation for what would move him to get a replica of our dog's collar?

H is visiting S tomorrow - after 7 months at his new place, H will see S's apartment for the first time.
And, H called D the day after Christmas to invite her to his place to get her gift that he forgot to take to dinner. As you can imagine, she was crushed especially since she feared that he wouldn't remember her! H isn't winning but I must say that at least there is effort now. She missed his call but texted back later in the day asking him to come to her place instead since he hasn't seen her apartment either. We'll see how this plays out.

D and I baked on the 23rd as we always do. Mom requested that we make a yule log and so we obliged. It was perfect!! We also spent a few hours at mom's to help her prepare for the 24th.

I had a great Christmas Eve and Christmas day (and am hopeful you all did as well). I celebrated all day on the 24th with my family. Lots of food and laughs. The entire family went to mass as we do every year. We took up the entire church pew. It warmed my heart. My babies woke up here for Santa on Christmas morning and then I hosted the usual breakfast for my family.

H's sister expressed disappointment through D that she didn't get invited to come for breakfast - she expressed the same disappointment last year too. I'm just not ready for that and so I kept the invite to only my family. No regrets.

D and I enjoyed our once a year 16 bean and ham soup. She loves that I make it with the leftover Christmas ham every year. It warmed the insides on a cold winter day.

Had the kids, BF and GF over for homemade lasagna and the requested garlic bread today. I can make a mean lasagna if I must say so myself. Yet, they insisted on a bowl of the soup before digging into the lasagna. Kids took the leftovers to indulge later this week.

I'll be exchanging gifts with several folks over the next couple days. And, I'm looking forward to lunch with a friend before returning to work. Yes, work is on the horizon. yuck.

I rec'd an invite from H's aunt for NY's day. Still haven't decided on whether to go or not. Invites from his family continue coming my way. I'm really considering popping in to see everyone I've called family for 30 years. We'll see if D is open to going with me.

Wishing everyone a healthy and joyful 2025. And, thank you all for listening, reading, commenting, coaching. We'll get through this together and come out better people.

[Valeska19]

A short 4 hours after H left, I rec'd a text. As far as I can tell, H hasn't doubled down as Valeska points out. I've got my eyes open though.

I will say that I suspect H is moving through the tunnel. H has dipped a toe or two into depression and may be further along than I thought. Time will tell. I will stay the course and remain detached until outreaches are meaningful. Superficial conversations are of no interest to me.

H: How's the water? (What a strange question to reach out to ask. I presume anchor checking as the dance didn't go quite as he planned.)
M: It's fine. Thx (responded the following day)
H: I'm glad (responded immediately after receiving my text)

Really good detached answer here. Next step would be to not answer at all. It's not his concern and not worth a reply. You two are no longer teammates in this life.

And that was the last of our conversation. No Merry Christmas message was sent by either of us.

I have been there so I empathize will all the feelings that came up with that. It's a hard step to detachment that doesn't feel great. But good work managing the hard!

Talked D through her anxiety and she eventually made it to Christmas dinner. She wanted to go to see a couple family members but could do without a visit with others. After some conversation, she fessed that she was worried that H hadn't gotten her a gift and she didn't know how she'd cope. There's that 'fear' again. I need to work with her on this....as I've been helped here. TY DnJ for the great insight a few weeks back that I can share with D.

In the end, she seemed to have had a great time and only mentioned a couple things that really upset her. I couldn't explain one of them - perhaps you can help me. Basically, about 10 years ago, we bought our dog a collar with sea turtles on it. Admittedly, I don't think it's a great looking collar but here's what interesting. D said that H's dog is wearing the same exact collar. I don't even know how he could've come across it 10 years later. For this reason, she thought H had taken it from the house to put on his dog. Knowing that it's a duplicate, she felt better that it wasn't sticky fingers. Yet, she is now more perplexed about why he'd buy the same exact collar....with sea turtles.

Even stranger to me (and I didn't say this to D) is that his first tattoo while in MLC was one of a large sea turtle with a saying, "If not in this life, in the next". Could his subconscious have attracted him to the sea turtles 10 years ago....and they still have meaning to him? He also bought sea turtle puzzle to put together earlier this year. I'm so confused. Dogs and sea turtles just keep surfacing. Any explanation for what would move him to get a replica of our dog's collar?

I think the answer you give to her is the same you need to give yourself. That you understand how confusing this all is but the truth is that you have no idea what has meaning in your H's life and looking at dog tags for "signs" is what we call a cheeseless tunnel.

If he got it because there is no emotional attachment - it changes nothing.
If he does get it because it has meaning to him - it changes nothing.

Trying to understand why someone does something doesn't make it better. Even when there's an answer. It's a very natural thing to do in the beginning but staying there leads to long term affects. We stay in the past versus living in the present. It prevents progress, acceptance, and forgiveness.

Again... this is about getting comfortable with the BOTH AND sentences. He can miss his family AND still move forward with the D. I know it's hard. It has to be almost a daily practice.

H's sister expressed disappointment through D that she didn't get invited to come for breakfast - she expressed the same disappointment last year too. I'm just not ready for that and so I kept the invite to only my family. No regrets.

Good for you. Divorce affects the whole family. You can be kind and enforce your boundaries.

I rec'd an invite from H's aunt for NY's day. Still haven't decided on whether to go or not. Invites from his family continue coming my way. I'm really considering popping in to see everyone I've called family for 30 years. We'll see if D is open to going with me.

My question to you is why? I could understand if your D was initiating the visit and needed support.. but why not try and push yourself for a new tradition?

I got along great with my X's family so it was hard losing them w/ the marriage. But outside of a funeral, I kept my distance. You can still be kind when you see them... but staying in their lives, is in turn staying in his life. A 180 would be to try and let go of it all. Painful.. but surrendering to the truth.

Wishing everyone a healthy and joyful 2025. And, thank you all for listening, reading, commenting, coaching. We'll get through this together and come out better people.

Happy New Year MG! You've made some really hard progress this year. You got this.

[MamaG]

I spent the last 36 hours in solitude. Feeling. Thinking. Healing. And even some ruminating. I’m emotionally drained.

D called in the midst of my 36 hours. Regretfully, I shared that H has been talking with another woman. It was over the phone as we just were talking. Her words said she was fine, but her actions said she needed to go. I told her it wasn’t her fault and that H and I love her very much. This shouldn’t come between her and her parents. This is between H and I.

In that conversation, I also learned that she’s known about the sailing trip that he’s going on since June. Apparently it’s a 15 day trip with a large group. Certainly this has contributed to further emotions, as I’m pretty sure OW is going.

D asked me to tell S. And now I try to figure this out.

With gratitude, I declined New Year’s invite.

I’m trying. I’m really trying to do the right thing. It just hurts and I know you all know so I can share in this space.

[Caligirl]

MamaG

Today would be the day to get out and GAL .

Try not to focus on this sailing trip . You are causing yourself unnecessary pain . While they are deep in this there is nothing you can do but save yourself . You are doing good . I agree with declining new years . My famous line for a very long time when my children mentioned things about H was “ oh that’s nice “. About a year ago one of the children said to me . Daddy just wants to live his life and you should just let him . This was after him running a muck for a few weeks and just being flat out vulgar to me . Same response “oh that nice “. Knowing me I probably booked another trip alone away with the kids after they said it . One of the hardest things about any of this is the children . Innocent in the entire process . Just keep loving on them .

I understand the regret of a child whether adult or younger being told of an A. One of my younger ones was there when I got the letter . I had told H we would talk about it when the kids were not around and he just wasn’t having that . Oh it was not pleasant . H then decided to tell all the children still no idea why . Guess he figured the little one would talk so might as well , which she did. Keep your focus on your relationship with your children . Good idea telling her it’s between you and H .

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

No Merry Christmas message was sent by either of us.

That’s a difficult step. Well done!

Letting go H. Not reaching out. Giving him to God.

You are detaching and healing! Keep doing so with kindness and compassion; with a soft squishy heart. Better, not bitter. (((Hugs)))

In the end, [D] seemed to have had a great time and only mentioned a couple things that really upset her. I couldn't explain one of them - perhaps you can help me. Basically, about 10 years ago, we bought our dog a collar with sea turtles on it. Admittedly, I don't think it's a great looking collar but here's what interesting. D said that H's dog is wearing the same exact collar. I don't even know how he could've come across it 10 years later. For this reason, she thought H had taken it from the house to put on his dog. Knowing that it's a duplicate, she felt better that it wasn't sticky fingers. Yet, she is now more perplexed about why he'd buy the same exact collar....with sea turtles.

Even stranger to me (and I didn't say this to D) is that his first tattoo while in MLC was one of a large sea turtle with a saying, "If not in this life, in the next". Could his subconscious have attracted him to the sea turtles 10 years ago....and they still have meaning to him? He also bought sea turtle puzzle to put together earlier this year. I'm so confused. Dogs and sea turtles just keep surfacing. Any explanation for what would move him to get a replica of our dog's collar?

I’m glad to see D worked through her fear and anxiety and made it to Christmas supper.

The exact same dog collar is interesting. As is, the sea turtle tattoo and puzzle.

A crisis is subconsciously driven from unrealized and unreconciled past trauma(s). The MLCer “typically” unknowingly and unwittingly recreates the events. They need to grow up from when they were emotionally stunted.

Unfortunately this is a crisis. Emotionally driven well beyond logic and reason. The MLcer cannot simply be reached or talked down, they are well beyond that. They are consumed. The crisis must, and will, run its course.

They often recreate their torment. With various bits and pieces as remembered, or misremembered, from their often childhood lexicon and viewpoint. The AP being a surrogate parent or authority figure to rebel against and grow up from. And all that time travel. Living, reliving, their past. Over and over.

They recreate their past torments. While running from their ceaseless torments of the past. It’s a witch’s brew. Not well designed for healthy healing nor stability. Alas, that is a crisis, and illustrates the significant past trauma they struggle with.

Some, few, do grow up. Discovering and facing their pains. Others languish in their crafted hellscape. Running, returning, running; stuck in a loop.

Is the dog collar significant? Likely so. How? I don’t know. Every crisis is individual. Like every person is individual. H sought out a rescue dog a couple of months ago, and an exact replica collar. A crisis has all kinds of weird stuff and behaviours. Chalk this up to recreating/reliving while also running. It’s H’s attempts at trying to sort his stuff out. (Gosh, it’s so good we aren’t along for that ride.)



It’s sounds like your festive season was full of yummy foods and goodies! Just wonderful! A full as I am, I still would love to taste the 16 bean and ham soup.

With gratitude, I declined New Year’s invite.

I agree with you. It’s H’s family. As much as you are, have been, friends for decades, it’s his family.

I got along great with my extended family. However, divorce has many causalities. It was best I stepped away. It’s her family.

D called in the midst of my 36 hours. Regretfully, I shared that H has been talking with another woman. It was over the phone as we just were talking. Her words said she was fine, but her actions said she needed to go. I told her it wasn’t her fault and that H and I love her very much. This shouldn’t come between her and her parents. This is between H and I.

In that conversation, I also learned that she’s known about the sailing trip that he’s going on since June. Apparently it’s a 15 day trip with a large group. Certainly this has contributed to further emotions, as I’m pretty sure OW is going.

It is difficult. Dad tells one kid something, maybe the other something else. No one knows what to share or who to tell or what to do.

Some advice (which worked for me):

Continue to be honest and stick to the facts, when stuff comes up. Let the kids form their own feelings and opinions. You can discuss those, if/when they bring them up.

Tell the kids it’s ok not to share stuff with you. It’s ok to know stuff about Dad and not tell you. Tell them, you are ok with it. However, if they are having troubles or problems or need/want to discuss anything with you, they can! No matter what! Whatever the topic. Dad stuff included.

I’m trying. I’m really trying to do the right thing. It just hurts and I know you all know so I can share in this space.

Good.

Doing the right thing often has times of doing the wrong thing. Funny thing, even the wrong thing usually ends up part of the right thing when you: Own your mistakes. Talk about them. Grow from them.

It’s part of being their living example. Part of leading. The future is uncharted, of course you’re going to make the odd incorrect, less than perfect, turn. It’s that wonderful tapestry of life.

D asked me to tell S. And now I try to figure this out.

I suspect S knows more than he’s told you.

Might want to ask D why she feels son needs to know. Why she feels it has to come from you. Perhaps daughter and son need some form of “it’s ok to talk to each other” from you. It’s odd uncharted territory for them too.

All my best!

D

[MamaG]

DnJ, Valeska, Caligirl, Grok and others, I find it bittersweet that you've gained such deep insight into midlife crises. While I'm truly sorry that you've had to navigate this difficult path, your journey has become a source of wisdom and comfort for so many of us. Your responses, filled with compassion, understanding and 2x4s, offer me a lifeline of hope, reassurance and direction. The kindness in your words is deeply felt and cherished. Thank you for being such a blessing. Let's see what 2025 has in store for us.

Also, you cannot expect H to tell you stuff first, or not to tell the kids, or friends, or whomever.

Yes, it would be nice if H would speak to you first. Of course, if he would/did he wouldn’t be where he is.

While posted on RegretfulLA's thread, these words helped me realize that H doesn't share things with me like he did. H would communicate with me numerous times a day and in various methods - enmeshment level sharing. It was often about work and tasks...little emotion. I knew every step he took to the point of when he went to the bathroom. We were in constant communication (until we weren't). My kids knowing about the sailing trip in June set something off in me a few days ago....the awareness that H no longer shares with me (sometimes I feel slow to learn as clearly H not sharing is obvious). But, the reality hit me that H doesn't run for the phone to tell me all that transpires in his life. The good, the bad and the ugly things that transpire. I know this is MLC behavior and clearly I know we aren't talking much. Yet these words brought to light what I was feeling and didn't realize it at the time. Forget the fact that H may not have told me for a variety of reasons. I realize that while I clearly wish H wasn't going on this trip with OW, if it was a guy trip that he shared with me about, I'd be so happy for him. I'm shaking my head. Sometimes I wonder why I love H so much. Reality: I'm no longer the person H chooses. It hurt. I was in a near panic attack with the awareness and pain. More healing....

The best you can do - lead by example. Be the strong stable parent.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. S is so much like H. Can talk for hours about superficial things. Dives deep into work and feels such satisfaction from his accolades. It's so rare that feelings come through in discussions. Emotions are rare.

I brought this to his attention about a month ago. In short, I told him that I wish I had raised him a bit differently. Immediately, S took offense and asked what was wrong with him that he needs changing. (Criticism, even perceived criticism, is not well rec'd by dismissive avoidants.) I clarified that I wish that we talked more about his feelings/emotions through the years bc suppressing feelings isn't healthy. I told S I wish I knew more about how he feels about things. S was receptive when I said, "I wish he was born with a manual on how to raise a child." We laughed and S agreed that I did the best I could and started to talk me through what I great job I did. It was a beautiful moment but we haven't talked feelings since then. If I share my feelings, S is receptive to listening. Doesn't expand though. How do I get him to open up without making it look like that's what I'm doing? Or do I come clean (again) and talk through the possibility of generational behavior that he may pick up?

Continue to be honest and stick to the facts, when stuff comes up. Let the kids form their own feelings and opinions. You can discuss those, if/when they bring them up.

With S, nothing comes up. Strong barrier here that I'd like to soften so I can help. I also realize that I can only control me. Trying to strike a balance so as to not give up on S, all the while questioning if it's the 'fixer' in me that can't let go. Thoughts? I thought I could throw in some comments on this when gently letting him know about OW.

A crisis is subconsciously driven from unrealized and unreconciled past trauma(s). The MLCer “typically” unknowingly and unwittingly recreates the events. They need to grow up from when they were emotionally stunted.

Unfortunately this is a crisis. Emotionally driven well beyond logic and reason. The MLcer cannot simply be reached or talked down, they are well beyond that. They are consumed. The crisis must, and will, run its course.

They often recreate their torment. With various bits and pieces as remembered, or misremembered, from their often childhood lexicon and viewpoint. The AP being a surrogate parent or authority figure to rebel against and grow up from. And all that time travel. Living, reliving, their past. Over and over.

They recreate their past torments. While running from their ceaseless torments of the past. It’s a witch’s brew. Not well designed for healthy healing nor stability. Alas, that is a crisis, and illustrates the significant past trauma they struggle with.

Some, few, do grow up. Discovering and facing their pains. Others languish in their crafted hellscape. Running, returning, running; stuck in a loop.

Good reminder. Good grounding.

"The AP being a surrogate parent or authority figure to rebel against and grow up from. "
Can you elaborate on how this may take place? What may be said as a way to grow? What may transpire that H grows from? What could it look like in their interactions.

Today would be the day to get out and GAL .

Thank you for saying this. I immediately jumped off the couch and GAL'd. I got myself an hour massage, visited with mom/dad, talked with a GF, went for a cupping session and followed it up with acupuncture to address anxiety/stress/sleep issues. It was a great day! Your friendly reminder got me out of a rut.

My famous line for a very long time when my children mentioned things about H was “ oh that’s nice “.

I need to adopt this approach. Sometimes, I'm so curious though. Curiosity doesn't always end well.

Off to making a veggie platter for tonight's visit with GF. Several of us are ringing in the new year with Chinese food and some games.

Love and hugs to all!

[Valeska19]

DnJ, Valeska, Caligirl, Grok and others, I find it bittersweet that you've gained such deep insight into midlife crises. While I'm truly sorry that you've had to navigate this difficult path, your journey has become a source of wisdom and comfort for so many of us. Your responses, filled with compassion, understanding and 2x4s, offer me a lifeline of hope, reassurance and direction. The kindness in your words is deeply felt and cherished. Thank you for being such a blessing. Let's see what 2025 has in store for us.

No problem. My BD happened when I was 28 so not quite a MLC situation - but I find almost all divorces have a similar flow. At 42 - I'm so detached from the situation its like looking at a storybook. I remember that there was tremendous pain, but no longer really feel any of it. I wish other parts of my life were that easy...lol

I've been giving this a lot of thought. S is so much like H. Can talk for hours about superficial things. Dives deep into work and feels such satisfaction from his accolades. It's so rare that feelings come through in discussions. Emotions are rare.

I brought this to his attention about a month ago. In short, I told him that I wish I had raised him a bit differently. Immediately, S took offense and asked what was wrong with him that he needs changing. (Criticism, even perceived criticism, is not well rec'd by dismissive avoidants.) I clarified that I wish that we talked more about his feelings/emotions through the years bc suppressing feelings isn't healthy. I told S I wish I knew more about how he feels about things. S was receptive when I said, "I wish he was born with a manual on how to raise a child." We laughed and S agreed that I did the best I could and started to talk me through what I great job I did. It was a beautiful moment but we haven't talked feelings since then. If I share my feelings, S is receptive to listening. Doesn't expand though. How do I get him to open up without making it look like that's what I'm doing? Or do I come clean (again) and talk through the possibility of generational behavior that he may pick up?.

Unfortunately you can't. You have to learn to accept him for who he is. Of course - you can always leave the door open for him to chat, be receptive to when he opens up. But otherwise - stay silent. Let him come to you. I am working on this alot in 2025. With my friends, colleagues. This is the year of silence for me. If they want/ready for the help - they will ask. I have faith in my character and trust they know I am here for them.

With S, nothing comes up. Strong barrier here that I'd like to soften so I can help. I also realize that I can only control me. Trying to strike a balance so as to not give up on S, all the while questioning if it's the 'fixer' in me that can't let go. Thoughts? I thought I could throw in some comments on this when gently letting him know about OW.

I am going to say this as someone who is NOT a parent... but honestly... I'm not sure it's your place to. I keep coming back to the fact that he is grown. They both are. You slipped telling your D (your words not mine), don't repeat it by telling S.

I agree with DNJ though - if she needs to tell him for support so they can go through it together with sibling love - support it.

Secrets are no fun. They can be very very destructive.

[MamaG]

So no text from H last night to wish a happy new year to me. Unlike last year, he did text the kids. Yay!!!

Today I get a very superficial text without any happy new year wishes.

H: I need to grab a couple of clothes from the house.

Suggestions on my response?:
I packed up your belongings in the summer; please make sure to take everything you need. The only day I can this week is Friday at 6.