Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[Valeska19]

It's been cold. Grocery shopping and filling the gas tank required some bundling over the weekend. Changed dog foods and both Dog1 and Dog2 have had more energy. They seem more alert and more interested in play time. The family celebrated mom/dad's anniversary and now I sit on the couch with a cup a coffee, a blanket and two dogs as I cool down from shoveling 5 inches. A 1/2 mile driveway has it's benefits but not so much when it requires attention. Oof. That was a workout! Trump's inauguration events are underway in the background. Before I get to some additional household chores, I'll journal and provide an update on me. Valeska - thanks for your response and for not giving up on me. Not that I thought you would but I also realize that one can only 2x4 someone so many times for the same issues.

Not giving up. I understand how difficult changing a dynamic is . With my current relationship - it was very one sided for awhile. I'm a natural giver - so takers love me. It's hard to know the difference sometimes.

Overall I am not sure why you want to be battling against another woman. I'm sure it doesnt really feel good knowing that he is cake eating by having you both? Just curious on what your thought process is.

To answer this question right away...H has made strides to pull away from EA, but has not fully let go. Frankly, from my seat, EA has pulled away from him leaving H with no choice. Probably of little relevance but I believe EA has been in her own MLC for the last 4 years. My H is the OM2 for her. EA made it clear in July/Aug that their R wasn't going further. The trip they were both on (last 2 weeks) was booked in Mar/Apr when H was still in limerence.

Hmmm... I'm going to call bs here. He clearly has one foot in each world. If he was ready to drop the rope on her or commit to you. He would cancel. Saying he already booked the trip, therefore he would lose money... are all excuses. When he is ready. You will know.

With that out of the way, allow me to pour myself out in hopes that you (others) can tell me, "here's where the confusion lies" or "stop people pleasing bc you can't nice him back" or whatever other direction strikes you as you read through my confusion. Maybe it even sounds something like, let's give H some communication (a try) by entertaining superficial convos, but the risk you run is....

This forum focuses on dropping the rope. Don't respond to H and if I must, wait a day or 2. Leave him to his issues, bad decisions, emotions. I'll know when H has returned but until then don't ride the emotional rollercoaster.

Other views are to support reconciliation by showing compassion, patience, and a willingness to rebuild trust to create a path forward. Respond to texts showing grace and kindness so that H isn't afraid to reach out and trust me when he's ready. I may even argue that this forum is supportive of these sentiments too. I translate these to be more direct and possibly frequent than is recommended.

So this site is alot about 180's, making change, and doing what works. Because of that - it's a little different for each situation.

A person who has allowed her WAS to be needy needs to pull way back. A LBS who has been avoidant - needs to show up a little.

Correct me if I am wrong but I believe you are situation #1. You have been EVERYTHING to your H... that's why it'so uncomfortable for you both. He's always thinks you will be there. You believe that being loving to him is by being there.

Let me take the following sentences and reword them into statements. Tell me if they feel true to you.

How am I ever to reconcile with H if I do not ever see him?

Statement: If I don't see him - I am fearful H will forget about me and not want to reconcile.

As a dismissive avoidant, the courage to approach me will diminish if H's fears don't resolve.

Statement: I won't give him too much distance because I don't believe H will do the work to approach me.

-If I don't see H, I am not easily shaken. But, in his presence, it's over. Still, I don't want to fully avoid him and I need to consider what I want too. Am I to avoid his presence for months, years, etc? that doesn't feel like the answer, yet H needs space. Oh the conflict.

Statement: When I see H, My emotions (fear) take control. My WANT to comfort that part of me that fears losing him is greater than my NEED to respect myself.

(You may want something - but it will not destroy you. If you don't respect yourself - you will destroy yourself)

-Then there are varying degrees of everyday actions/inactions. There is more than one school of thought on how to 'behave' in a spouse's midlife crisis. I've tried a couple approaches; neither has been fully successful. I get that when the time is right, it'll happen. Perhaps patience needs refining.
-Listening to stories of other LBS', I realize how mild my H's crisis is in comparison. This isn't intended to minimize what H may be contending with but what is clear is that H hasn't washed me away. What if WE could pave H a healthier path so that H can see the journey through with less pain? Is that not my obligation...'in sickness and in health'?

Let's be honest. You have ONLY really tried Mama 1.0. You have spend your marriage + 1.5 years post BD catering to that man. You have only really been trying to detach for less than 6 months. Consider that... YEARS of an old dynamic versus months of a new one with a few roadblocks. Maybe spend more time w/ option 2 before you decide it hasn't "worked"

I don't want to relive 2024. In 2025, I want to support my kids. I want to live a life I love. I want to reconnect with H. Do for myself. And, I want to begin sharing a life with H. The latter is what I can't control. Still, that's the truth and I ponder how to influence much against advice.

Try this answer again w/o adding your H into the mix at all. We all know you want to be married... but when are you going to want a better life for yourself more??

From what I see in all of your posts... is someone very much in the middle of grief. I see alot of bargaining happening here. A resistance to surrender what IS versus what you want it to be.

It's very hard to take off our rose colored glasses. To see people for what they really are. To see ourselves for whom we are.

So let me ask you this very honest and difficult question.

MamaG 1.0 has always worried about her H's needs, wants, etc. more than her own. MamaG 1.0 has always believed in being kind and understanding of her H's pain. His avoidant behavior, his selfish needs.

Did all of you putting his needs above yours make him any more loyal to you?

Did you being so patience and understanding of his avoidant behavior actually bring him closer to you?

Did your constant reassurance stop him from looking for reassurance in someone else?

Me thinks not.

So why are you so determined to do the same thing yet expecting different results?

You can be kind, yet not be physical with your H.

You can be compassionate, yet hold him to the consequences of his actions.


And let's say at the end of the day - this ole bahavior from your WORKS and he comes back. He will have done NONE of the work that actually says he will FIGHT for your marriage. AND as much as you THINK you would be relieved... you will ALWAYS be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So please continue to fight for MamaG 2.0 - she is very much worth it.