Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[Caligirl]

Grok

You handled that perfectly. I’m still processing her coming into the MB and shutting the door . They have no boundaries .

She doesn’t live there so no say in the cameras . I don’t even know what she would be worried about . She’s there with the kids , who cares there’s cameras .

Wife telling your 13 year old more than they need to know is their way of alleviating guilt .

Just keep loving on those kids .

[grok]

Thanks Caligirl.

It is good to have some feedback on how I handle things. It is always hard to see from the inside. And I try to tell it straight as it happens. Though I pick which events I tell because they hit me somehow as ... more ... I don't know if that distorts my story some.

You handled that perfectly. I’m still processing her coming into the MB and shutting the door . They have no boundaries .

She has not done this often. Just when something is bothering her enough to push past her normal bounds. It FEELS like she stays away from being in the home many times... *reasons* I try to stay away from trying to figure anything out.

I did legally agree to give her house access during work hours week days and if I am on business travel. Deliberate on my part to have the kids stay in ONE home. To give her assurances I was not and would not "take the kids away from her." She had expressed some sort of fears she could be attacked in the courts as a bad mom. Not for her sake, but so she didn't feel desperate to split the kids days with me and days with her.

Today is an example of staying away. She could stay there today and tonight. I'm in San Diego now and return on Friday. I checked the camera (garage/doorbell) alerts. She came by the house twice. Just over an hour in the morning (removing more of her stuff?) and 15 minutes in the afternoon (to take D17 to gym?). With D19 herding a bit they did their chores and put themselves to bed this evening.

She doesn’t live there so no say in the cameras . I don’t even know what she would be worried about . She’s there with the kids , who cares there’s cameras .

Yeah, I don't know. I think it is a fear connected to OM and friends. She thinks they can tap into city/county/other cameras and spy on her everywhere. Apparently OMs family is a BIG THING in this county and has connections that do favors for them. And I certainly have better things to do with my time than spy through cameras. Scrolling through the alerts took two minutes to understand the flow of the day ... who came and went.

Wife telling your 13 year old more than they need to know is their way of alleviating guilt .

Hmmmm... hadn't thought of it that way.

Just keep loving on those kids .

Always. Keeping Faith.

Taller - Ethan C. Davis & Isla Vista Worship

[Verse 1]
I’m doing alright, I'm breathin' deep
I'm feeling taller than before
And I'm sure glad I let You in
The day You showed up at my door
The air is clear, I'm breathin' deep
I couldn't ask for too much more
'Cause when a friend is what I needed
You came running with support

[Bridge]
You got me feelin' so much younger
Livin' like it's always summer
With You I get a sense of comfort like nothing else
I'm seeing everything in color
There's beauty even in the suburbs
With You I get a sense of wonder like nothing else (Wonder like nothing…)

[Chorus]
I’m surprised, to say for sure
I love You more than I did before
And all I thought I wanted's in Your eyes
You heal my broken heart
You're making me a work of art
I feel my spirit risin' like the tides

It got late after travel. A post filling in the rest of the last 4 weeks tomorrow.

g

[grok]

D17 => D18 Yesterday! We did our celebration last Friday…before she left for a gymnastics meet over the weekend and I left on work travel n Monday.


”Don’t wish it were easier. Wish you were better. “
Rollo Tomassi -The Rational Male-


…things further remembered from that last talk by XW

You are a GOOD man. I told the kids that. Not that I talk about you to them. I don’t.

People that know me all think this is so out of character for me. But ….. “reasons”

I know you take a while to process so I don’t need answers right now but ….

I’ve been praying for ….


XW dealings notes - Holidays through the last “talk.”

Through the holidays, XW was substantially absent except for taking the kids a few times on activities with her parents. Though still coming over most evenings for “goodnight” for 5 or 10 minutes in her car.

The grandparents gifted the kids and her with FL season tickets to Universal Studios theme parks this year. When the kids were young, they would gift our family with season Disney tickets. XW did take S13 and D17 for a half day so far. The kids are asking me to get a pass myself so they can go with me. I think I should, though budget is a concern.

On New Year’s Day, XW announced in one go in the group chat (all 5 of us) that:

- She would be picking up S13 at 9am each week day, other than the co-op school day.
- She would be keeping his school books with her
- D17 can come and go mostly when she wants
- She will be about 10 minutes away
- S13 will be returned when she picks up or drops off D17 for gymnastics
- The shop is at address *******
- She will be staying in the RV for personal reasons
- Co-op school payments are due
- Does she have my permission to take S13 to a dental procedure?
- Then it will be time for his braces
- D17 will have a college dual enrollment bill

G, ”Yes, sounds like a good plan for school and teeth. I will have S13 ready to go at 9am. I will pay the school bills.”

In the following days in the group chat (most of the messages are sendtwhile I’m at work and do not have access to my phone so D19 responds)-

XW - D17 or Dad will have to take you to this gymnastics meet (with a picture of a schedule, no other context)
D19 - Dad and I will work it out

XW - I will be taking things set aside for me in the house to my rental space (small industrial space she apparently rented for her craft business…more than half the garage and a 5x5 foot space in the house are stacked with her stuff she abandoned)

XW - I’m busy on Tuesday nights and someone else has to pick up D17
D19 - We will get her

XW - D17 and I need a hotel in **** on **** for her gymnastics meet. I am ok paying if you are uncomfortable.
G - Check your email to make sure the details are correct.
(I use points accumulated from business travel to pay for hotels needed for gymnastics meets. I’m looking at is as I’m paying for D17’s stay. It’s the same no matter who accompanies her. It turned out her coach drove her to the meet. She stayed with the coach the first night. XW drove up the next day and stayed overnight. XW was busy with her business plans.)

XW - sends videos of each event. D17 won 1st place in all around in her level!
G - Celebration and trophy emojis.

A few direct messages had to do with money. Alimony, payment of school items and medical things. I have used a simple reply referencing our legal settlement. Keeping it to business.
G, ”As agreed. Payment for ****”

preparing for this week

I had been prepping for work travel this week. I'll be gone four nights. I let XW know. No expectations. I set up the kids to handle it by themselves.

Saturday morning I went shopping with D19 after taking her to get bloodwork done at a lab. (oh, that's another story as she begins to assume responsibility for her own adult medical care…). Despite helping with a lot of things Mom used to do, she is still a child. ”Daaaaad, you have to come with me. Dr.s are SCARY!!”. She decided it would help us all if she did more meal planning and asked me to buy a set of planned meal containers. OK! We spent Sunday afternoon cooking meals for the week.

G, ”D19, you mother may stay here while I’m gone. It’s up to her. As part of our signed agreement, she can stay here when I am traveling for work.”
D19 pauses and thinks, ”That’s fine. D17 and S13 do whatever they want when she is here though. She tries to keep to your rules, she does, but those two do stuff and she doesn’t stop them.”
G, thinking, do not accuse or put XW down, ”I know D19. We can only control our own choices. I will call and talk to them each day. Your mother … She …. has made choices and behaves …. very different than …. *sigh* … many … years before.”
D19, with bitter sarcasm, ”Ya Think!?”
O! G stops talking.

It FEELS like XW mostly stopped parenting two+ years ago.

Some time back, D19 had several confrontations with XW. As told by D19, D19 would get things done with her siblings and direct them even with her mom present ... and then XW told her later to stop undercutting her authority as Mom. ”I am still their mother you know.”. D19 came to me later distressed ... "I have to do these things because Mom sure isn't doing them anymore. She just lets everything go.”

So … how’d I do?

g

The Lost Ones - Florrie

We are flawed and we're afraid
Of a past that we couldn't change
And the dreams that we didn't chase
Have been and gone
And all this weight is put on us
Expectations we couldn't touch
When the best wasn't good enough
We kept moving on, mm-mm
…
And all the nights that you felt alone
With the people you didn't know
And the places you didn't go faded so fast
You're escaping the memories
And making peace with the enemy
'Cause you know right where you wanna be

We're the lost ones, yeah, it's a jungle, yeah
Our thorns are buried deep, but we see beauty in our dreams
And we're broken, yeah, but we're hopeful, yeah
To find our remedy, we see beauty in our dreams

[Caligirl]

Grok

I have to say sometimes I just crack up at you . The fact she thinks you got time to spy on her looking through the cameras all day . My H awhile back said he was scared I was going to follow him and plant a recorder in his car . My response everyone still laughs at . I said “ you think I’m going to waste my energy doing all that . I’ll hire someone to follow your girlfriend , not you and call it a night “. When I say my friends still crack up about me saying I’ll follow your girlfriend . They really do . Ain’t no one got time for your nonsense . Work smarter not harder .

The guilt they ensue on people . Just awful . He called so many people for sympathy even tried to get in the older kids ears . The bad wife spew . The hes just not marriage material. Very few even believed his non sense . Gig was up . They saw years of his chaos .

Hang in there . I needed the camera laugh today .

[Rockon]

I can so relate. W blew up at me and told me she was going to call the cops thinking i put a tracker on our car she was driving.

[grok]

Well Caligirl, Rock,

Maybe she's thinking of it because - I've alluded to it here a bit, it's not a secret, I just don't talk about it publicly much ... my technical day job is in departments with these words in the titles: reconnaissance, surveillance, tagging, tracking, etc.... I know a good bit about the equipment.

If I really wanted to ... she'd never know unless I wanted her to know. Like you said though.... after thinking about it ... I decided that is a LOT of work for really no purpose. I know how much effort it would take. I know that level of snooping wouldn't get me any closer to what I want.

That said, I was somewhat darkly amused that the fear of cameras might cause better behavior from her in my home. She once quipped something about she wasn't going to steal anything from the home. I drank my STFU smoothie and thought, I wouldn't have left you with a key to the house if I was afraid of that.

g

[grok]

Back from my week in San Diego. Good people. Good food on per diem allowance. Good work accomplished. Pleas from kids to hurry up and be home.

Out right now taking D18 dress shopping for graduation pictures. I have to say, Francesca’s is a great little store for tasteful female style.

Well… on the doorbell camera alerts last week I did see one thumbnail that looked like XW carrying a full laundry basket. I just paid it no mind and figured I did agree she could stay overnight there with the kids if I’m traveling. She didn’t stay but about an hour each day I think. Just before coming shopping with D18 I emptied the dryer… it was a load of XW’s clothes.

What was Caligirl saying about they don’t have boundaries? LOL

g

[grok]

I think D18 and I did pretty good. Just for fun, since we can't post pictures -

Search Macy's: 797130204117
Search Tractor Supply: Justin Women's Starlina Tan
Some earrings from Claire's

She wanted to wear "cowboy boot" style footwear. As she is blond and fair skinned ... I cautioned her about being too washed out looking. So she adding a wide matching brown belt to the white dress so she doesn't look too pale.

D18, "Dad, lets go to Tractor Supply to look for boots."

D18, "Dad, I'll pay half for these boots since they are expensive. And these boots I can wear as shoes anytime."

Smart girl.

g

[Rockon]

That is special no doubt

[grok]

an LBS … emotional journey

Despair Shock Eden has turned to ashes. WAS, why are you not with me through it all? Is that not the covenant we joined?

Ashes of Eden - Breaking Benjamin

Is there anybody calling?
I can see the soul within
And I am not worthy
I am not worthy of this

Are you with me after all?
Why can't I hear you?
Are you with me through it all?
Then why can't I feel you?

Bargaining If I blame myself…If I remain committed …

Evacuation - Greg Puciato

Don't you and I belong?
Oh, where did I go wrong?
Don't you and I belong?
Oh, where did I go wrong?

Not gonna just leave

How could it all be?

Grief In the end, everything you try … doesn’t work. It didn’t even matter.

In The End - Mellen Gi Remix (Tommy Profitt)

It's so unreal
You didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Tryin' to hold on, they didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory
Of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter

Acceptance Who they were doesn’t exist right now. The current me is death. I want to be in the light again.

Blackwater Remastered 2003 - Rain Tree Crow - Everything and Nothing

I see no sign
I see no place I've loved
Depending on the signs
To find the road

Blackwater take me with you
To the place that I have spoken
Come lead me through the darkness
To the light that I long to see again

Emptiness Emotional exhaustion. You are empty. Worn down to a nub left.

Highway Anxiety - William Tyler

Instrumental

Calm Decision point. Eventually, YOU become the WAS.

The Message - Still Corners

Driving 'til dawn
Call you from the station
Leaving you a message
That I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone

Gone
I'm gone
I'm gone

Contemplative Your soul wanders. What does this mean? Who are you? Where now?.

Wandering Souls - Robbie Robertson

Instrumental

Spirituality. The S in PIES. Re-centering your spiritual self. Looking for relief from a higher power.

Running - Land of Color

I can hear you calling me
Come my child and sit down at my feet
…
Why am I running
From the one I need the most
I keep running, running
It's just like me to fall back in my ways
Tryin' to find love in all of the wrong the places
But it's not easy to see
…
I can hear you calling me
Come my child and sit down at my feet

Numb Anger profound Disappointment You cycle back though stages again. This is not linear. It hits you all over again.

Red Cold River - Breaking Benjamin

I can't feel anything at all
This life has left me cold and damned
I can't feel anything at all
This love has led me to the end
…
Try to find a reason to live
…
Run, run, run
Red cold river

On Edge Of your old world. You are at the edge of the world (that was). Time to step up and out. For …

Edge of the World - Karma Fields

Instrumental

Centered Fight for ME. MY values. MY goals. To be the BEST ME. For MY reasons.

For Me - Karma Fields

Fight for me
Fight for me

Fight for me
Fight for me
Me

g

( This was pretty close to what Spotify randomly played for me
- Audio me says - best played at volume with a full range (including subwoofer) system -
Spotify 17XqKU4xRkh2VysA9Voj4Z?si=2eb6fc14fbca4688 )

Coda

Making the weeks food with D19 and Spotify on random. She recognizes “In the End” by the first few notes. She knows the lyrics. She looks at my face.

D19, ”Dad, that’s not the vibe music I said to play. I’m taking playlist control. You are not allowed.”

A couple hours later on.

D18, chattering, listening to one of the songs, ”Have you ever been so sad you can’t breathe?”

I pause.

G, ”yes… D18“

D19, ”no D18, we’re not talking about that.”