I think it would upset most folks seeing the OP. You are not an actual "rock". You are human.
Although detachment isn't easy, It is easier to feel detached when you have little to no interaction with your former spouse. It's only when an interaction happens - that we are reminded of the anger or pain that was caused...
... and that's okay. Healing is a process and takes time. You are doing the work. That's all that matters.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Ok today was interesting. Realized how not indifferent I am.
OM walked right in front of me out in community in my hometown. I’ve never met him but recognized him.
...
I was very agitated - called my best friend and later my pastor.
Adding on to what V so ably addresses,
I think you stood up for YOU.
You didn't hide or run.
You didn't pretend it didn't exist.
Because you find HIM detestable.
Why? Well, there is a reason I saved and posted this in my first thread.
Originally Posted by Starsky309
Men and women that would knowingly get involved with a married woman or man, and prey upon their emotional weaknesses, ARE predators!! In every sense of the word. mad
I detest them. Do not "make friends" with them, do not expect them to deal honorably with you (for they are, by definition, DIShonorable) and do NOT take what they tell you as TRUTH!
OM walked right in front of me out in community in my hometown. I’ve never met him but recognized him.
I called him out. Asked what he was doing here and told him to leave.
He said this is a public restaurant and I’m going here for lunch.
I told him , “ no im going for lunch here and you need to leave now,” with no friendliness in my voice.
He left. I kept my cool and enjoyed the afternoon.
And if he hadn’t of left? What then?
Originally Posted by Rockon
This has been hard (him in my space) but I’m managing well.
“My space”. What space is that?
I get it. First time seeing the OP in the wild is a difficult moment. Bumping in to them, face to face. The space they’re intruding upon is in your head.
A restaurant is a place open to its patrons. Public places are open to everyone. You can have expectations of OM not being there or leaving if you demand such, however you will most likely be disappointed. (Unmet expectations lead to resentment.) Realize, OM has just as much a right to be a patron or attend public spaces as you do.
You control you. You can control your actions and how you react (physically) to seeing OM. The next and every subsequent time it will get easier and easier. Controlled actions will influence your emotions towards OM. And that will evict OM from your head space.
You can find him detestable. It’s not like you are going sit with him and have lunch together. Yet, you should be able to be in the same building. (Like I said, I get the first time. Next time, do better, be better. Not bitter.)
Do this inner work. Make peace with this reality. Or OM will live in your head and you’ll harbour resentment and grudges.
Have a great Saturday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
She introduced OM to youngest 2 kids. I am remaining focused and on course. I called my Pastor to process. I have reached out to my kids to see if they want to talk.
I am allowing myself to feel my feelings. Going boxing tonight.
Yes, stay focused on your path. Be better, not bitter. Be Rockon2.0, Dad, the strong stable parent.
You’ve let your kids know that they can talk to you. Allow them to walk their path and figure out their relationship with Mom. They will reach out to you if/when they need/want to. Your real job here is to not demonize Mom.
It is unsurprising that Mom introduced OM. He is, after all, a person of significance in her life.
Also, why now? Why is she introducing? Stirring stuff up? Likely because you have ceased being dragged around by her, and her actions. Keep it up! Do not take her bait. Do not react to her or OM. Continue to walk your path.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have been doing well. Focused and responsible and having lots of fun adventuring and enjoying winter with spring teasing here and there.
Getting into the mountains often and being consistent with gym/running/hiking, family time and enjoying friends.
W had not been responding for a couple weeks to my attempt to schedule our weekly conversation about S. I have been limiting my interactions to what is important and keeping it simple and direct.
She sent this message on the weekend:
I can’t figure out how you had a confrontation with my friend and then weeks later, still pretending it never happened. You really need to work on this passive aggression with me. It’s not okay and has never been okay. And not only controlling me but trying to control my friend? And then saying nothing, taking no accountability- leaving it to me to bring up? I’ve done everything that I can do to be kind and patient with your process, as you continue to be stubborn and controlling. I’m so over it, and cannot wait to be divorced.
I have sat on that and been processing but haven’t responded. She didn’t ask a question just told me what to do how she feels and what she wants.
I am considering what my action and path forward is. What am I able to do about her message? As DnJ counseled, I have been diligent to not allow OM to stay in my head. And I am determined not to initiate any further contact him and will disengage if he crosses my path. I will continue to be detached and direct, simple and brief in communicating with her. I will listen (as I am to her message) if she talks. And I am not holding my breath.
So far, younger kids have not followed up to talk with me about their feelings about meeting OM. That’s fine - we continue to be close and connected. And I have expressed to them that they can share their thoughts feelings and questions anytime. I don’t know if eldest 2 have met him. I assume not.
I have also been intentional not to demonize their mom and to be supportive and not blocking their R’s with her. Thank you all for sharing your wisdom.
I have been doing well. Focused and responsible and having lots of fun adventuring and enjoying winter with spring teasing here and there.
Getting into the mountains often and being consistent with gym/running/hiking, family time and enjoying friends.
W had not been responding for a couple weeks to my attempt to schedule our weekly conversation about S. I have been limiting my interactions to what is important and keeping it simple and direct.
She sent this message on the weekend:
I can’t figure out how you had a confrontation with my friend and then weeks later, still pretending it never happened. You really need to work on this passive aggression with me. It’s not okay and has never been okay. And not only controlling me but trying to control my friend? And then saying nothing, taking no accountability- leaving it to me to bring up? I’ve done everything that I can do to be kind and patient with your process, as you continue to be stubborn and controlling. I’m so over it, and cannot wait to be divorced.
I have sat on that and been processing but haven’t responded. She didn’t ask a question just told me what to do how she feels and what she wants.
I am considering what my action and path forward is. What am I able to do about her message? As DnJ counseled, I have been diligent to not allow OM to stay in my head. And I am determined not to initiate any further contact with him and will disengage if he crosses my path. I will continue to be detached and direct, simple and brief in communicating with her. I will listen (as I am doing, processing her message) if she talks. And I am not holding my breath. Steak dinner sounds better than engaging her.
So far, younger kids have not followed up to talk with me about their feelings about meeting OM. That’s fine - we continue to be close and connected. And I have expressed to them that they can share their thoughts feelings and questions anytime. I don’t know if eldest 2 have met him. I assume not.
I have also been intentional not to demonize their mom and to be supportive and not blocking their R’s with her. Thank you all for sharing your wisdom.
