I was rushed and talked into sharing an apartment on a rotating basis during the separation and my initial hesitation to that was brushed aside.
The separation is yours and can be had in the apartment. I’m staying in my home and sleeping in my bed.
W: I’m coming home Tuesday period as per our agreement. Do not make this messy. The girls are already texting me they miss me. Girls first. Take the vacation and the [censored] tickets I don’t care. We have talked about nesting and agreed. Period.
Me: I'm sleeping in my bed. It's a big house, sleep somewhere else. No animosity in front of the girls.
W: No. I’m coming back Tuesday. Sleep in your bed until then. It’s my [censored] bed too period. We agreed to nesting. You are not doing this to the girls. They need me home.
Me: Girls were texting me that they missed me too This is your separation W. This is your divorce. This is your blowing up the family. What if they universe gave you everything you needed and you walked away from it? [shouldn't have wrote that last sentence]
W: Yes and as per agreement we will get equal time with them during this period to help them transition. Period. They need their mama. You are letting anger blind you. Enough. I’m not texting anymore. This is counterproductive. I’m coming back Tuesday and sleeping in my bed at home. We are sticking to agreement until next mediation.
Me: I'm not leaving my home or my bed
W: Yes you are. That is too confusing to the girls. It’s OUR home. You will respect what we decided until we talk to professionals period. Do not make this nasty You are not putting the girls first
Me: No, I'm not.
W: Yes you are on Tuesday. Do not make me take this to the lawyer. We are 50/50
Me: No, I will be here on Tuesday. Your separation is the apartment and it's your separation.
W: Absolutely not, the girls need me and I will be back. You are not turning them against their mother or giving them a feeling of abandonment, that is so detrimental to their health. You are letting your anger blind you and not putting them first. I’ll come back now if I need to.
Me: I'm not telling u what to do, just letting u know what I'm doing. Who's not putting them first?
W: You. I have every right as a human to be happy. Then we’ll share the bed and eat the money on the apartment on your weeks. And confuse the F out of the kids in the process. They are under the understanding we are alternating. Constantly changing the rules creates chaos and instability. Trying to take their mom away creates abandonment issues. We can talk about this at therapy. You of anyone should know. The mom does not leave. D13 already says she really misses me. A week at a time is enough. Be a good person and allow the space we both need.
Me: No, your putting yourself before the kids. There's nothing about this that is good for the kids and you decided, I don't care
W: I have every right to be happy and they won’t be if I’m not. You want to stay married to someone who doesn’t love you for the sake of a nuclear family? I thought you were done and ready to move forward?
Me: I deserve to be happy too and I'm happiest in the house
Last edited by DnJ; 01/06/2502:38 AM. Reason: Removed swear words. Removed spouse’s name.
I'd appreciate if you would stick to our agreement for nesting. I really did it for you and the girls to help with adjustment. It's not fair to them to take away snuggles and my time with them. This will leave them with a feeling of abandonment. I'm divorcing you, not the girls. I can't ever imagine not having my mom around. Stability for them is having their mom home at night to tuck them in and give snuggles (which I've done for 15 years).
To which I responded:
Yeah I'm not moving out and sleeping in my bed. The separation and divorce is yours. If you want to sleep here, please sleep in another bed.
W: You said you were leaving all December then showed back up.
You are not being fair to girls and putting them first. You agreed to the nesting. The house is equally mine and now you are reneging on agreement. Girls are expecting me back Tuesday and I will be there, and I will sleep in my bed.
Me: You have no right to sleep in the bed but I can’t stop you
W: What do you mean I have no right? I have every right.
Me: How is this different than texting? [she previously said texting was counterproductive] Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.
W: What do you want? Me not to file? To remain together. You are making this extremely difficult and messy and not putting the kids first at all bc of your bruised male ego.
And no this is no different but I was trying to write a longer form of communication.
W: I think you’ve put us beyond mediation which is so sad and sad for our kids. You aren’t acting civilly and leaving me little choice. What are you hoping to accomplish by this??
I think she is trying to dictate the terms of how things should go, its a sense of entitlement and arrogance and with these 2 character traits you cannot have a successful reconciliation. Reconciliation comes from a place of humility and this is definitely not it. Try to detach and stay emotionless in any interactions and fulfill your duties with your kids to the best of your abilties. It seems like shes still in the mode of either you take me back or i find someone else mode.
Not sure you're following Catman? She's out. Total walkaway/wayward wife. She's not in a place of reconciliation and I dont know that she'll ever be, at least in time to save the relationship.
You stated what you’re going to do. And you left her choices up to her. Good.
Focus on you and the girls. Be a gray rock to W. Do not take her bait, for she will try to elicit a fight. Be calm.
See a lawyer soon and lay out your situation to them. Know the legalities of your situation.
Continue to move forward. Leave the heavy lifting to W, for she’s the one who wants out. You don’t place boulders in her path, yet you don’t pave it in gold either.
Remember, doing nothing is doing something.
Keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Good job for getting that out of the way . Now be cordial and quiet . Like the grocery store clerk you speak with . Yes , no , sure and no thank you . Learn to use short answers and only respond if it is truly needed . Do not explain or try to point out anything . WAS have this way of using your weaknesses against you . Hers seems to be to children . They are just as much your children as hers. The home is just as much yours as it is hers. You do not have to leave because she says so . They think it’s going to be sunshine and rainbows while separating.
Tread very carefully with how you respond and what you do . WAS will try to bait you into very heated arguments and then say it’s not good for the children to see it and attempt to get you out of your home . You are josh 2025 . Solid .
Spend time with the children . Take care of you and them . Be the best dad .
Just a word of advice that’s taken me a few months to grasp . No answer sometimes is the best answer . Learn to not engage .
You "cleared the air" and now you need to stick to your guns on what you will and will not do. Do not make any more promises or say that you are leaving, etc. Stay in the home and in your own bed. She is the one that wants out, so let her get a good taste of what will be.
These crisis people think that they can dictate to us what we are going to do. They like to flex their muscles and try to get us to do everything they want. That is not the way it works. She is going to bait you into conversations and arguments. You do not take that bait. You do not need to justify what you are doing just as long as your children are ok and you are being the best dad out there. She is using the children to try to get you to do what she wants. Right now, they are pawns for her to use against you. Stand firm! No more discussions unless there is an emergency, or it is directly related to the children and/or finances. Silence is golden.
One more thing, do not respond back to her too quickly. If you wait for a couple of hours or even a day or so....no harm. You are a busy man and have priorities that need to be addressed, and you will respond when you have time.
Do not waffle on what you will or will not do. Take a huge breath because this is a marathon, not a sprint and she will test you over and over again. Do not take her bait!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We have co-parenting counseling scheduled for tomorrow with the marriage counselor we were seeing before W decided she wanted to separate. Is that something I should maintain? I know W is hoping she and the counselor will talk me into the apartment rotation but my plan is to just take that off the table at the onset and see where it goes from there.
There is not much point in marriage counseling when one of the partners wants to separate. They just use the MC as more ammo. “Well, we tried MC and it didn’t work.”
Of course counseling doesn’t work when they have one foot out the door.
If you do go for the co-parenting advice/meeting, keep them on task. Do not engage is other topics. “We are here to discuss co-parenting.” Don’t let W, or her counsellor, gaslight or coerce you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
