Just about Done pt 2

[grok]

Realizing something I built with someone for 22 years is now over, memories and moments and flashbacks of everything we had together entering my consciousness.

... words are hard to describe what it feels like.

... a realization of what could have been and now can no longer be. Questioning my life choices and decisions and wondering why the one woman I devoted myself to for the rest of my life, through my thoughts, my words and my actions,

I hear you and feel it. For me, 21 years married, 25 together. For some of us it seems impossible that this amount of investment, no matter the ups and downs, could be dismissed in such a fashion. It still feels unreal many times.

I've talked to one or two others I know personally who have gone through something similar. They all said it is hard to describe in words. Just...if you have gone through it, you know what they are saying and experienced.

These days the hard feelings come when I come face to face with what could have been and what will be now. I try to focus on the now. Though I sometimes see the potentials and the void in their place.

I am filling that void with other things. It comes slowly. In its own time I suppose.

I am glad you have an agreement signed finally. It's not finished yet, but it gives shape to closing it out.

For me the shape is - I have three more sets of retirement accounts to balance and distribute, a car to sign over to her name only, and 11 more months alimony to send.

g

[Catman19]

So I thought she had signed but apparently her lawyer is now playing games. She had until December 5th to do financial disclosure for court process and it is now December 13th. She has also lied about having cleared back payments for one of our vehicles which is still under both our names on the loan. I keep receiving collection calls for this vehicle and part of agreement was She was supposed to move it over to her name loan wise and keep the asset value and assume it's liabilities. So none of this has happened and my lawyer is now pushing through with the court process or at least indicating such as to her email to stbxw lawyer. So now I sit here with the realization that even though I did everything in good faith and offered her the mediated agreement with concessions, she is not taking any of this seriously and I will be going forward with court process in which she has a lot more to lose. I do not understand this logic and I thought the threat of court would have been enough to act but it's turning into a game now. This being said, it going through court will mean that I will have to fly back and jeopardize my job here to have this over and done with. It seems like a never ending story

[MrP]

Hey, C. Terrible to hear that she is seemingly playing games or taking advantage of your good faith efforts. Remember, you've been fired. Do what is best for YOU. This M is heading towards its end so why have your L just "indicate" you're moving forward instead of just telling your L to do what is needed to actually get it to closure. Are you really surprised at her behavior? From what I recall, it sounds like it is consistent with what you'd previously experienced. These courts want to keep things moving along as well, especially if there are no kids involved. Do what is in your and your L's control to put it on a path to the end. There is nothing to gain by trying to figure out her motivations or behavior or even spent much mental energy being flustered by it. It is just going to continue to disrupt your ability to move forward. My intent isn't to be harsh. We've just seen so many posts here where one S or another is delaying the process in ways that are unsurprising given the behaviors that got us here. Buckle down with your L and just work on what you need to do to have the D finalized. The finish line is in sight now run through it!

[Catman19]

So now another delay, stbxw and lawyer asked for an extension to filing her answer to my court service. She was served on October 29th and had until November 28th to file an answer, her along with lawyer asked for an extension until December 5th, then December 15th, after the extension to the 15th my lawyer suggested we move forward with court process, at which point a response to my filing came in, with repeated mention of how shocked her and her client were to be served, also how shocked they were that I wanted to go the court route because I saw nothing was happening on their end. My lawyer made repeated requested for specific documents pertaining to car loan to which there was never any forthcoming. And in her response they mentioned how there was no need to go through court as we were having substantive negotiations (basically my lawyer would ask them for things and theyd not send anything and the negotiations were basically a rehashing of our already agreed upon mediation). So now they asked for another extension until January 15th to which my lawyer is now requesting house sale proceeds be released up to 90% of amount, if she does not file an answer through courts the divorce will go through the courts uncontested.

I do not understand the logic of the delays, she must have a serious personality disorder, my thoughts are that she was perfectly content in being separated only by distance and place of living and she thought she could keep me legally and financially tied to her for when her inevitable new relationship falls apart. The more i look back and analyze everything i see every single characteristic and personality trait of narcissistic personality disorder, where they treat you as an extension of themselves, a sort of ownership of you as a person. They dont want to let go of people that gave them supply of affection or emotion and are perfectly ok with keeping you in their life while in comolete full blown new relationships. Its the only explanation for this. It feels like there was never any real love for me as a person more love for how i made her feel and nothing more.

Ive come to accept this because i am one who needs to learn from my mistakes and watch peoples behaviour to prepare myself for future relationships, a man who doesnt learn from his errors or mistakes tends to repeat them. The delays and prolonging of all of this has had a mental draining effect on me as i wanted closure and to start anew from a completely fresh slate, not to mention that i have spent upwards of 50-70k total in the last 2 years to make ends meet and figure out how to navigate this scenario. Had it not been for me moving here and staying with my parents and having them help me financially id likely be living on the street where i was. I feel like im still being held hostage in my own life by a psychological abuser who refuses to fess up to their mistakes and accept the consequences of her actions. I feel like a toy that belongs to her, but one thats older and been replaced by a shiny new toy, but she refuses to give up the old toy because the more toys she has the more options she has even though this stuffed animal has been left dirty and missing parts.

If this isnt a cluster b personality then i dont know what is.

In the meanwhile i still have my routine, my work is going well, im finding a lot more time to socialize and making new friends. I am doing what I can but the longer this drags on the more im stealing from my future financially and mentally and it is not easy whatsoever

[Kind18]

Try not to retrospectively label your ex to make sense of their behaviour.

That’s a rabbit hole you don’t want to go down. 95% of divorced people will tell you their ex was a NPD, a cluster B, BPD… and given less than 1% of the population actually are, it’s likely a coping mechanism and nothing more.

Sometimes, people just do sh*tty things. Nothing more, nothing less. Labeling them achieves nothing - except making you feel better.

I think you’ll probably find her apparently non-sensical time-wasting is being driven by the lawyer, and I almost guarantee her lawyer is being paid by the hour. So they will continue to ignore, delay, request, act surprised, write letters and generally waste everyone’s time … until they’ve extracted every last cent they can.

Is it frustrating to be stuck in the middle of it all? Absolutely!

If I were you, I’d be expecting the games to continue a bit longer. But don’t let it get to you - they can’t delay forever.

Imagine yourself as a dry leaf in a tornado - you can get incredibly frustrated at being tossed about, or you can just let the wind take you wherever it wants - in the knowledge that eventually, this too will blow over.

[Catman19]

Not doing it to label her as anything to be honest, just trying to debrief and see the relationship for what it was so that i take lessons from it and keep an eye out for the same patterns in future. Ive seen a lot of videos from experts on cluster b personality disorders and many of them say the same, if someone has 5/9 traits from a their diagnostic manual then they are npd, and considering she had all 9 and the behaviours were so extreme and dramatic, its the only explanation for why she did what she did. And she repeated the exact same patterns with the last 2 dudes from what i saw from messages. The reality is diagnosis of npd is low because the disorder in an of itself is conducive to not getting diagnosed, very few do. And some of the best psychologist literature is written by actually diagnosed npd experts. And watching their lectures you understand exactly what and who you are dealing with

[Catman19]

So just an update on my part. I now have a separation agreement revised and drafted and signed by my stbxw. The court deadline for financial disclosure is also now on the 15th of January. So all that's required now is that I have a zoom meeting with my lawyer for me to sign with her as a witness. Its been a long six months between adapting to lifestyle here, along with new job which I'm getting better at and finding some success in. The longer this process has dragged on the harder it has become, like a feeling of being in a prison in my own life. The dreams of push and pull with stbxw continue but at a lesser frequency. It feels like the subconscious is the last hold out in the process. At least I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and closure is approaching.

I know I will never get proper closure from her and at least a breaking of all ties financial and legal is enough for me. The financial destruction caused by having to maintain debt servicing, the expenditures of having to rent a vehicle and the now 20k in legal fees for a divorce with no alimony, no child support and basically just a split in proceeds of marital home has pushed me back a year or 2.

On the personal life front I have quickly made a lot of friends and have found a local place where socializing is suited to my personality. I got out of my comfort zone big time and went to a new years party of which I managed to get home at 9am, was fun to get that experience in a new place. Ive become a lot more comfortable with friendships and acquaintances from the opposite sex, something I've almost had to relearn as I met stbxw at age 18 and am now approaching 43. I shut myself out of women during that time out of respect for my partner and feels like I'm an apprentice learning the ropes again.

The one thing I'm still grappling with is whether I should ever consider having any sort of friendship with stbxw in the future, certainly not now and certainly not with any legal or financial ties. I do still care about her well being and don't desire any hardship on her, you can't just erase a whole life together and shared experiences. I think for this to even be a consideration for me I need to see absolute contrition and humility, anything less in my mind i will keep thr door closed. And this is only even an option for me if it no longer impacts my lifestyle or mental state of being and only when the marriage is finally buried and covered in soil never to be dug up again. I'm not sure if I'd be doing the right thing in doing this but I cannot deny the fact that there will be a life long bond with us despite how it ended. Coming to acceptance that your memories, experiences and feelings are never fully extinguished. Clearly I would never allow this to affect my dating life or relationships and not leave the door open to a reconnection. I purposely put myself in a new place and changed my entire life knowing that it would be the only way to move forward, with an ocean between us, my belongings all eliminated and all memories or triggers being tied to where I left.
Sort of like how people can self exclude themselves from a casino.

[Rockon]

Take good care Catman in this time of discovery and growth. Who is your community? Where do you grow and follow your path? Who do you want to be? Those priorities and goals.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

I do hope today’s deadline of financial disclosure is met and the process can complete. It’s been a rough road for you. STBXW/XW has tossed a few monkey wrenches into this mix and changed her mind/direction/promises. This has increased the legal cost and other fees considerably. Stay your course, you’re making it.

The one thing I'm still grappling with is whether I should ever consider having any sort of friendship with stbxw in the future, certainly not now and certainly not with any legal or financial ties.

You see and state the obvious “not currently” with all the BS and such going on. Yet, it’s the feelings from a long term relationship that are pulling you.

The answer lay in: People will treat you as you let them. And we’re (current) not friends, as my friends don’t treat me that way.

You can keep the door open, keep a possibility of some form of friendship, leaving her path to her. She has quite a bit of work to do, bridges to rebuild, before you and her would be friends. If ever.

I'm not sure if I'd be doing the right thing in doing this but I cannot deny the fact that there will be a life long bond with us despite how it ended.

I do understand and empathize with how you are feeling. And it is a feeling. Not a fact.

From someone more years down the road, that life long bond fades a lot.

There is a shared history. A past. Heck, my XW and I have kids together. Yet no present bond. Just those “facts”, without a bonding.

What does exist is your values and convictions. Your beliefs.

For me, my vow still has meaning. For what good are vows if they can be set aside or ignored when times get tough. So, I live as, I am, a single man. I choose to. And I love my life.

I am not pinning away for XW. Nor would just take her back. Most days I feel a stronger bond to my coffee cup than to her.

The bond that does exist - is to one’s self. To one’s deeply held values. Discover those. Strengthen that which serves; craft that which you aspire to; discard/alter that which no longer serves.

Follow your deeply held “proper for you” convictions and you will have peace and contentment.

Should you ever consider having any sort of friendship with XW? Truly, that is not a decision you need to make right now. You need not be open to it, nor slam the door upon it. You can just be, move forward, and let the future unfurl as it will. Being better, not bitter.

D

[Catman19]

Thank you for your insight dnj, it is very much appreciated and your advice has always been very succinct.and direct. For me yes i need to see a lot of effort on her part to have any communication. As i habe unblocked her on social media but dont follow her. I am not doing anything in my life for her or for her to see. So today i finally have a fully signed separation agreement and now the house proceeds will be dispersed and financial/legal ties are disappearing.

I actually thought the meeting with lawyer to sign would leave me in a sad state but i found myself later in the evening with a smile on my face. Almost like a sense of relief and a sense of being unshackled from this eternal limbo. Tomorrow might be a different day but clarity is now in front of me. I still miss her and our life together but im glad she is no longer dictating the direction my life takes. Considering i changed continents, started a new life and am now in full control of my own destiny it is a very liberating feeling.

My feelings and thoughts might change but i am no longer at her disposal, but i wont close the door to communicating with her, but it can only happen with supreme contrition