I am 42M, my wife is 38F. Typical enough situation from what I have read, and I have read a lot.
TLDR: Possible MLC? Emotional Affair and now in Limbo.
3 young kids 6 years and under. Married 8 years. Together 14. My first real understanding that something was wrong came around 8 months ago was when emotional distance, avoidance, reduced intimacy. At the same time she was spending more time away from home partying, work. Anytime i tried to start a conversation there would be an excuse. She complained of stress, and being too busy. I've always been helpful at home so I started doing so much that there was nothing left for her to do at home and it became clear her excuses weren't genuine.
It got to the point I confronted her and asked was she not lonely and did she not want to be with me. She said she didn't know. I had to travel for work and came back a week later and got the BD -'I never loved you' etc - 'I want to buy a house and move out' - but at the same time couldn't fault me and said I was a great father. At that time I had already read one or two articles about walk away wife and midlife crisis so I didn't react as badly as most people would (although I was expecting ILYBNILWY - so a bit of a shock with what I actually got). I had one or two conversations of pleading, bargaining, questioning but probably not as much as most and then I started giving her space. Luckily, at the same time I was working on NMMNG and this really helped my mood, I got busy at the gym, and with jobs at home I had procrastinated on, reading more, bought new clothes. All while giving her space.
I opened up on a few things that I was learning about myself and working on (I was never very emotional or vulnerable) as the conversations came up and she seemed curious. She even started opening up about herself, childhood issues (of course) and said she was going to start IC.
2 months after BD I was suspecting an affair (she denied it at BD). I snooped and found she had been texting a guy she used to work with. Texts were deleted so I don't know what was sent (thankfully I think). I waited a week until I calmed down. I confronted to see if she would admit it but she didn't, I said I knew and handed her a letter (a 2x4 you might say) saying we would have to seperate. She then went to my inlaws and told them but came back and asked for time. She cant afford to buy a house. A day or two later she said she ended the affair (she said) and asked for time and a few more counselling sessions.
Separate beds since then.
This is about 2 -3 months ago. She seemed to go through a bit of a depression (withdrawal?) and still avoiding talking to me about relationship. I don't bring it up much. I am in a great mood most days, having fun with the kids. Getting more of my life back. I gave up a lot to help with the young kids. No overt signs of the affair anymore. I guess i made a mistake not bargaining for phone access.
Since she stayed at home I have been trying to be a good husband but without putting pressure on. Including her in everything family related. Took her out for an anniversary dinner (kept it light). Still doing family things together. Wrote her a letter on anniversay trying her lift her mood and make her feel appreciated and reiterated that I know I have to change to and I want to talk.
In-laws are pro M. They knew she had been acting angry and strange. They talk to me. She doesn't talk much to them or anyone at the moment. I've seen improvements in her mood but still no R talk, no remorse, no apologies. She does things for me around the house that she doesn't have to (breadcrumbs?) Bought me some christmas gifts (inexpensive but thoughtful).
2 weeks ago she said she'd write me a letter. Still haven't seen it.
She did say she was trying to be open minded about MC but didn't want to give me 'false hope'. I brushed it off because I want more enthusiasm than that. She is still going on a few nights out with girl friends (and staying away over night) but time away from house isn't as much as it was.
So I am at a bit of a decision point.
Do I start to draw boundaries around her acting less like a single woman and more like a wife?
(could be important for my NMMNG journey to get more assertive and dominant BUT she is an avoidant and has always been very independent and stubborn).
Do i wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing and she'll eventually open up?
I would continue as you have been doing. Try being a friend, a good listener and not put pressure on her. She is sitting on the fence and until she decides what she wants to do, she will be there. The less pressure you put on her, the better.
I wouldn't rush MC. If you think you need to see a counselor, by all means do so. However, if you push her to see a MC, she will take what the counselor has to say and only hear what she wants to hear and then she will probably say "see, it's not going to work for us".
For now, continue as you have been. The less stress you put on her, the better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just remember that Boundaries are for you -not her- if that makes sense?
You can only control your actions and reactions. You have no control over what she does and doesn't do.
for instance, one boundary I set was that I refused to be "talked down" to. When WW was getting snippy and mean, I'd tell her that I wasn't going to tolerate being spoken to that way and then I'd remove myself from the situation if it continued.
They make sense. She doesn't say much of anything but it has mostly been respectful lately. When I called her up on snapping at me once she turned polite pretty quickly.
Is she a little scared of me at this stage? I probably hold more of the 'balance of power' if there is such a thing. I haven't told anyone about her affair yet and I think she's quite worried about her image to friends and family. Financially I provide a lot more, although she does work as well.
She probably feels trapped, which is the thing that delays me on setting too many boundaries on what she should and shouldn't do. I don't think she is going anywhere too soon...
I just don't like the limbo.
I'm a bit impatient because I can see how it's hurting the kids. As much as I'm enjoying my time with them and having fun, it feels like there is a bit of a cloud hanging over us some days and they aren't seeing their parents behave as a loving couple should.
I suppose the point is that I was thinking of telling her what actions will help me be patient and help show me she's serious about rebuilding trust and what actions won't. But how to balance this against being controlling?
I'm not the perfect husband. If I was we wouldn't be here. But I do feel that I am the prize in this situation.
I've done a lot of work on cleaning up my side of the street. The next challenge is to prove I can listen without criticising, judging or fixing. If only she would open up....
So is it back to the 37 rules? More space? More detachment? More GAL? More good husbandly leadership? Let time do it's thing?
She probably feels trapped, which is the thing that delays me on setting too many boundaries on what she should and shouldn't do. I don't think she is going anywhere too soon...
again, not boundaries for HER, they're for YOU. if you try to set boundaries around her behavior, of course she'll feel trapped... because she is trapped by these boundaries you've put on/around her.
Yeah, Limbo really, really [censored]. As men we always want to "fix" things. The reality is this didn't happen overnight, and we can't "fix" it overnight.
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Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Do I start to draw boundaries around her acting less like a single woman and more like a wife?
Do i wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing and she'll eventually open up?
Do I invite her to MC or is it too soon?
So is it back to the 37 rules? More space? More detachment? More GAL? More good husbandly leadership? Let time do its thing?
I just don't like the limbo.
She probably feels trapped, which is the thing that delays me on setting too many boundaries on what she should and shouldn't do. I don't think she is going anywhere too soon...
Breathe. Just breathe.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
DBing is all quite counterintuitive, and it will feel wrong. At first, until you get the hang of it.
As job said, continue as you are. Listen to W, when she wishes to converse.
Give W plenty of time and space. And no pressure. The more you push, the faster she will head out the door.
There is no magic bullet here. She is presently sitting on the fence. Let her. Your interference, or trying to control, will likely push her off it. You need her to come back on to your side from her desire to. From her choice to.
Time and space.
As to some specific advice:
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
So I am at a bit of a decision point.
I know it feels like it. Realize you aren’t. And decisions made based upon feelings most often lead to regrets.
Doing nothing is doing something. Standing still is still standing.
You keep move forward. In your life. Focusing on you and your three kids.
Find detachment. This is the single best thing you can do for your emotional and mental health.
Do continue to invite W to family events. If she attends, or if she chooses not to, matters not. You and the kids go. Let W walk her path.
W needs to feel the loss before she will likely change direction or hop off that fence. As in, giving her time and space, and be pressure-free, in time she will ponder: “hmmm, Dyn hasn’t been bothering me for quite a while, yet I still feel unhappy and confused. Perhaps he isn’t the cause.” Then, with some luck, she will start to look inward. Less blaming you and more looking for actual causes/reasons.
You need to not get dragged into fights and bickering. Need to minimize the target she’d already painted upon you. Yet, do not walk on eggshells. Which brings:
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Do I start to draw boundaries around her acting less like a single woman and more like a wife?
Like Mowgli said, boundaries are for you.
Boundaries are not punishment. Are not to fix the other person.
Boundaries are for your mental and emotional health. They are what you will do when W is disrespectful. As an example, “W, when you swear at me it is disrespectful, and I will leave the room.”
Boundaries are your action. W can do whatever she chooses.
And, do not make boundaries all Willy-nilly. Boundaries and their enforcement needs to be rock-solid. (Might be a good idea to run a boundary by the folks here before enacting it.)
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Do i wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing and she'll eventually open up?
It’s not waiting around. You focus on what you can control. That’s you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
You focus on you and the kids. You live and love your life.
Don’t sit pinning away waiting for her. Don’t sit upon the shelf. That doesn’t mean dating, or anything like that; keep your vows, and live your life. Be the lighthouse. (There is a really good Lighthouse post in the welcome post to you. Give it a solid read.)
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Do I invite her to MC or is it too soon?
No MC. Too much pressure. She is nowhere ready to consider relationship stuff. In fact, and this is difficult, no relationship talks. For a good long while.
You control you. Get you side of the street in order. See a IC. Heal thyself.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
So is it back to the 37 rules? More space? More detachment? More GAL? More good husbandly leadership? Let time do its thing?
It’s back to you. Focus on you. Let go. Less is more.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
I just don't like the limbo.
I get it.
You are just starting out. Work on detachment. Work on letting go.
People feel like they have to do something, enact something, make some decisions. You don’t. And likely shouldn’t.
It is difficult to let go expectations. However, dial your expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentments. And resentments are poison to a relationship.
Make peace with your limbo. Choose it.
I hope this helps and I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I get it. Some of the decisions I made I've later regretted but not many. They came from the heart.
I guess I've been reading and obsessing too much. I see a lot of conflicting advice and it is hard to navigate through sometimes. Sandi's tips for dealing with a WW don't quite sit with the give space and time.
But I am starting to piece together all the info into a fairly good understanding of what's going on. I just don't know how much that helps. She's going to do whatever she wants to do.
It just doesn't feel right having someone who has hurt me so much, continuing to stay and take advantage of everything I provide. Safety, security, outward look of a happy family. I do know she is hurting too and feels like a failure but if we get through this I want some level of self respect.
Still haven't fully gone through my anger stage as you can see.
Ok I'll listen to the wiser heads than me on here. Space, time, work on myself.
Welcome to a great community, sorry you find yourself here. Like many on the boards I was in a situation like yours not that long ago and it was both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. Frankly when I read the opening lines of your first post that referenced W partying I said out loud, "This could be my story".
There are a lot of very helpful posts here and it sounds like you've been reading. Keep it up. Be sure to focus on yourself, your actions, and your behaviors. Giving headspace to what your W did/may have done/could be doing is a recipe for more of the same bad behavior that lead you here. Let her go.
Be prepared for lots of ups and downs - good days, then bad weeks, then one great hour, etc. Remind yourself that this is part of the growth process you're living through, but always revert to valued actions. DO, don't THINK or SAY.
Once you have clarity on what you want in your life and what standard you expect from those you invite into your life, the answers to all of the questions you're grappling with will present themselves. Be patient, be persistent, and above all, don't lose hope that you will have the life you want. That's rule number 1.
I guess I've been reading and obsessing too much. I see a lot of conflicting advice and it is hard to navigate through sometimes. Sandi's tips for dealing with a WW don't quite sit with the give space and time.
I think you may be talking about the balance of setting boundaries on wayward behavior but time and space for the WAS to work through everything. I set one of - it is not OK to be here in my home while actively romancing OM.
Why time and space? There are other distilled versions of this here but maybe this quote will help. Follow the link and read the whole thing:
Originally Posted by Accuray
You are correct that your W is sad and angry. She's angry at you, and she's angry at herself. ... If they are in that state of mind, can you see why pursuing them or having relationship talks is just totally hopeless? ... Everything you do right now is going to make her either more resentful, or less resentful. ... UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training. ... THAT is the beginning of your opportunity to turn things around, but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it.
Buckle your seatbelt, its a marathon and you have to be patient and surrender to the fact that this relationship is NOT something you can control right now. ...
But I am starting to piece together all the info into a fairly good understanding of what's going on. I just don't know how much that helps.
It is useful to define what you mean. Help for what? specifically
It does help you grasp this truth =>
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
She's going to do whatever she wants to do.
Which means? .....
Related wisdom distilled here
- You work on you
- nothing that you can say or do to change this, yet everything that you say or do will change this
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
It just doesn't feel right having someone who has hurt me so much, continuing to stay and take advantage of everything I provide. Safety, security, outward look of a happy family. I do know she is hurting too and feels like a failure but if we get through this I want some level of self respect.
No, it isn't just or fair
So What?
What is your goal? What if to reach it requires GRACE? Unearned favor, a gift freely given, without any merit or deserving on the part of the recipient.
MWD talks about this a good bit. In her books/articles.
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
