I was tired and unwell yesterday, which also led to me feeling quite sad and emotional. That's not like the old me. I just sat with it, felt it and was glad that I can feel. I saw somebody write that a period of feeling down usually comes before the next wave of detachment and I think that is true for me as well.
Continuing to invest in myself for the foreseeable. That's my plan.
IC for me next week. I'm proud of my changes so far but I feel my trajectory might be plateauing a bit so I want to find what I need to keep making progress.
I saw the info about setting goals and I think I initially set myself too many. I was trying everything, researching everything, but not finding peace. The advice I have been given here is helping me understand I need to accept where I am find peace with it and be a bit more deliberate and purposeful now.
My work suffered a bit due to lack of sleep and being distracted but I spoke to my boss, who is understanding and supportive, and gave him a heads up as to some of what was going on. My performance wasn't so bad that he noticed but it was good to give a heads up and now I am getting back on track.
I'm sure everyone will agree that BD puts you in a spin and for me I realised I was at such a lack of understanding about the situation.
I was reading everything; is it MLC? is it limerance? is it an affair? is it avoidant/anxious attachment? is it depression? is it stress? is it unmet needs? Love languages? Our spouse can't (or won't) give us coherent answers, and we should know that questions are pressure so we dont ask anyway.
Turns out it's all of these factors playing into it and possibly more (hormones?). This understanding is a bit of a comfort and will possibly help in the final R or next relationship but right now concentrating on me has brought the most benefit.
I am grateful that my situation seems to be on the 'milder' side compared to some I've read (so far - who knows what's in store). I'm grateful my wife is at home being a great mother and being an 'ok' wife. There are marriages that probably exist like this for years, it is just not what I want to accept.
There have been times when I caught myself laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. I have been positive almost throughout and I think that will help me continue.
Just to log some things that might be useful info to some others coming along later...
Bomb drop and other affair fog talk I heard: I never loved you Wish I didn't feel this way Fell out of love 2 years ago W saying she only got married because of pressure from her mum and my mum. W Saying I didn't want to marry and she forced me into it. W didnt feel love in my wedding speech W never saw herself staying in our house forever. Some talk about an ex from years ago that was 'proper love ' I think because he dumped W and therefore she had to chase him.
Later withdrawal talk: Doesn't see a future in our relationship Feels at a crossroads Doesn't want MC because she doesn't want to be told what to do.
It is interesting how these folks do seem to follow and speak a similar script.
W is walking her path and you need to walk your’s. Keep moving forward, and continue to make positive changes. Be kind and cordial, listen when she wants to share, minimal pressure, and such. You cannot control her or her path, yet you can influence it. Be a lighthouse.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You mentioned that you took over everything to alleviate stress. Perhaps that was part of the problem.
Men like to believe that women like to be taken care of? This is false. Women like to feel emotionally safe. This helps them feel like they can grow in the independence, in their needs and wants in life. It helps them take risks and believe in themselves.
The problem is that when you take away a person's opportunity to handle something for a LONG period of time... it' starts to dig away at these things. The person being taken care of starts to believe they are unable to do it on their own. Unable to handle stress, or conflict, or grow. They become stagnant. And you, the H, are no longer helping her. You are hurting her... and she begins to distance herself from that hurt.
So besides that point, how else did you behave as a H? Where would you consider yourself "falling short"?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
You mentioned that you took over everything to alleviate stress. Perhaps that was part of the problem.
Men like to believe that women like to be taken care of? This is false. Women like to feel emotionally safe. This helps them feel like they can grow in the independence, in their needs and wants in life. It helps them take risks and believe in themselves.
The problem is that when you take away a person's opportunity to handle something for a LONG period of time... it' starts to dig away at these things. The person being taken care of starts to believe they are unable to do it on their own. Unable to handle stress, or conflict, or grow. They become stagnant. And you, the H, are no longer helping her. You are hurting her... and she begins to distance herself from that hurt.
So besides that point, how else did you behave as a H? Where would you consider yourself "falling short"?
Hi Valeska
This is what I have been coming to terms with the last while. It gets to the point where I'm thinking I do so much, I provide so much, why is it never enough?
Well maybe it's too much.
I got too involved with the parenting, housework and possibly a bit controlling. W and I both work so I have to help out but I guess there is a balance to be found that I stepped over. Also trying to 'fix' the way she does things sometimes. It's just my way of trying to make things easier if I see something that is causing extra work for no reason or if I think of a better way. My wife is very sensitive to criticism, even things that aren't meant as criticism will be taken as criticism so a lot of times I'll bite my tongue (and get resentful) when I see her causing herself extra work but hey I just need to learn to let her be more.
She isn't good at asking for help so I just do some stuff that needs done but when we are both in the house all the time, doing the same stuff, the masculine feminine polarity disappears.
It's the trap of the modern 50/50 equal relationship. Often the guy is damned if you help out and damned if you don't. Not that there weren't ever affairs when women stayed home and the guy worked. There have always been affairs. So I'm not beating myself up about it.
I gave up too much of myself to be a 'good' dad and husband, lost the spark, lost my sense of purpose and she maybe also lost her sense of purpose as well.
I'm trying to just relax and GAL now.
Not much opportunity to create emotional safety at the moment but I'm ready to listen if she opens up.
Also in general terms it got to a point where I wasn't romantic enough, wasn't fun enough, wasn't flirting enough, wasn't emotionally available enough. All what I'm working on now...
So difficult to see a way back to flirting and romance though. I'm closer to packing her bags than I am to winking or teasing.
Maybe I just need to start flirting with life instead...
I got too involved with the parenting, housework and possibly a bit controlling. W and I both work so I have to help out but I guess there is a balance to be found that I stepped over. Also trying to 'fix' the way she does things sometimes. It's just my way of trying to make things easier if I see something that is causing extra work for no reason or if I think of a better way. My wife is very sensitive to criticism, even things that aren't meant as criticism will be taken as criticism so a lot of times I'll bite my tongue (and get resentful) when I see her causing herself extra work but hey I just need to learn to let her be more.Also in general terms it got to a point where I wasn't romantic enough, wasn't fun enough, wasn't flirting enough, wasn't emotionally available enough. All what I'm working on now...
I'm sure you didn't mean it quite this way but wording so very much influences our thought. The fact that you are "helping" parenting or housework is not the best way to look at it. You are both young and the old dynamic of wife stays at home and takes care of kids whilst the man works is hardly ever the case. Not just financially but sometimes i think alot of women don't really see that "housemom" role as being a positive experience... society definitely doesn't pitch it that way.
You are never helping w/ the children. They are yours therefore your responsibility.
So let's focus on the controlling part? Were you or weren't you? In what way might you feel like you were?
Control is very destructive to a marriage... so if there is validity there - the 180 for you would be to relinquish as much as possible back to her. This is not in the form of her walking all over you - it is surrendering to her decisions and letting them play out.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
So difficult to see a way back to flirting and romance though. I'm closer to packing her bags than I am to winking or teasing.
Maybe I just need to start flirting with life instead...
No one is saying to flirt and tease. It was suggested to be pleasant, compassionate, and kind. Those actions don't require a romantic connection.
I understand you are hurting - but if you are here to save your marriage - you have to be honest with yourself first (and us - so we an help you) on how you fell short. YOU are the one that's here so tell us about you.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with the kids and I don't mind doing chores at home. I also get to do a lot of more 'traditional manly stuff' outside of home and at work so I don't feel like I'm not a man. Maybe I seemed like I was keeping the finances under control but honestly my wife isn't great at saving or planning for the future and I don't feel sorry for that. Since I got a promotion and working on nmmng I'm takin a slightly more abundance mindset now.
Controlling is a bit strong for what I mean but I suppose having to be right, having to fix things, having to find the optimal way of doing things, it probably puts a bit of pressure on W that doesn't need to be there. Instead just give her praise for the great job she was doing.
I think I was trying to do too much sometimes, not taking enough time to have fun, show gratitude, not enough novelty and romance. Not enough planning fun things to do together.
With the stress and chaos of having kids, I think it got a bit like groundhog day for a while. Same stuff all the time. Later we weren't spending enough time together either.
Really I need to hear more from my wife about what her needs are. I don't think she is even aware of her needs all the time and doesn't state them too often.
It wasn't a bad marriage, not toxic or abusive, nothing that couldn't be fixed. Just better, more open, honest communication and protecting couple time more would really make a big difference I think. Realising we're on the same team.
Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with the kids and I don't mind doing chores at home. I also get to do a lot of more 'traditional manly stuff' outside of home and at work so I don't feel like I'm not a man. Maybe I seemed like I was keeping the finances under control but honestly my wife isn't great at saving or planning for the future and I don't feel sorry for that. Since I got a promotion and working on nmmng I'm takin a slightly more abundance mindset now.
Controlling is a bit strong for what I mean but I suppose having to be right, having to fix things, having to find the optimal way of doing things, it probably puts a bit of pressure on W that doesn't need to be there. Instead just give her praise for the great job she was doing.
I think I was trying to do too much sometimes, not taking enough time to have fun, show gratitude, not enough novelty and romance. Not enough planning fun things to do together.
With the stress and chaos of having kids, I think it got a bit like groundhog day for a while. Same stuff all the time. Later we weren't spending enough time together either.
Really I need to hear more from my wife about what her needs are. I don't think she is even aware of her needs all the time and doesn't state them too often.
It wasn't a bad marriage, not toxic or abusive, nothing that couldn't be fixed. Just better, more open, honest communication and protecting couple time more would really make a big difference I think. Realising we're on the same team.
Hmm... it sounds like controlling is the right word.
Dig deeper there - where does the need to "be right" "optimize things" come from? It can come from a place a judgement, fear... but ask yourself what the harm was with letting her take the lead. And ask yourself if it's something that's worth working on.
I can tell you that no adult, spouse, or colleague likes to be controlled. No one likes to someone who acts like "they have to be right". It makes them run in the opposite direction. Especially if it isn't warranted.
Did you ever let your wife try? Did you ever try an approach where she could learn to better with money?
There would be your 1st 180. Not saying to put yourself in any financial or emotional danger... but try letting things not be "optimal". Try praising her instead of assuming she can't or that she can't as well as you.
It may not feel natural... but this is definitely a learnable skill. One you could probably benefit to learn regardless of your marriage status.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Yeah, the need to be right and logical all the time is something I've been digging into. I haven't got to the emotional root of it yet though.
I've definitely started pulling back on trying to do everything for her, stepping in when the kids are getting a handful during 'her parenting time' etc.
We do have joint finances to cover joint household bills and then we each handle everything else individually. I overpay though so I will look to even things up more in future if she agrees and maybe W can feel more proud of her contribution.
