Good to see you digging into yourself. Getting a handle on your values and what you want in life.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
W is going to take the kids to dinner at a family member this weekend. I'm invited but I'm going to phone ahead and make my apologies. The thought of 3 hrs in the car with W doesn't really appeal to me right now. I get the feeling W doesn't want me to go and a small part of me would go and be my super charming self just to annoy her but that would be petty. I have lots of 'me stuff' to work on instead...
My two cents: you should go. Embrace family time. Lead by example. Be the lighthouse. Act as if.
You are correct, definitely do not be petty and purposely annoy W.
I’d also change your viewpoint and projected dreading the three hour car ride with W. We do make our fate. Small behaviours are picked up and alter things. When you have pre-decided that the car ride will be bad, your mind will make it that way.
What you say, and predict, it’s powerful. Your mind is always listening and will craft your reality just as you are asking it to. Flip your preconception. Dial those expectations to zero. For unmet expectations lead to resentments. Even unmet “negative” expectations.
Instead, you control you. Go into this car ride as three hours with your kids and W. Not something full of dread and what might be. Make it what you want. Like your inner work. What do you want in life? Spending time with your kids is likely high on that list. Being Dad. So do it. Not try, do. There is no try.
Your mindset, a strong mindset, can and will influence plenty. If W starts some crap in the car ride, ignore it. Like dog training, ignore the negative and reward the positive. You only control you, yet do not short change your ability to influence. Especially the atmosphere of a car ride.
Besides, a few car games, signing to music, will make the time fly by. And touches on your inner work priorities: Friends, family, music, connection, commitment, travel.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
How does one apologize, and make it clear that it is my personal choice not to attend without letting them know that it's because of difficulties in the marriage?
Yes, it is your personal choice. Yet to me, I think you’d be going if your marriage wasn’t having difficulties. Hence, my suggestion to go.
Be genuine and sincere and honest with everyone and above all, yourself.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Also, what about inviting friends over to the house while living with a miserable, shut down wife?
Same thing, zero your expectations. You are expecting W to behave/respond a certain way.
My suggestion, ask/tell her you are having/planning on having some friends over on whatever night. Invite her to attend. See what her response is. She may perk up, she may be mad, or whatever. Who knows. Don’t walk on eggshells. See her response and roll with it.
Be kind and see where her head is at. Like a roommate. They don’t have veto power, yet you don’t go out of your way to bug them.
Have no expectations. Allow yourself to be surprised. Going into things with a different outlook usually crafts a different outcome. Of course sometimes it may not. However, it is guaranteed not to when we start out looking to make it that way.
That’s a pretty good inner value to adopt, IMHO.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for the thoughtful and challenging reply DnJ.
I suppose I have been getting a bit negative today. A bit angry I suppose. I've been going through the LBS stages of grief as well and I think I'm between depression and acceptance. But anger pops up regularly. It's easier to see in hindsight and my progress did dip for a while. It's to be expected.
I suppose with this at home limbo it's just difficult to know what I'm supposed to be doing. If there was an obvious ongoing affair or she moved out it would be clear. I get that she's in crisis of some kind but I don't see that as an excuse for treating me the way she is. I just feel like giving her very little of my time and attention, like she is doing to me. I'm getting no help in healing from her so I feel I have enough on my plate. Attraction and respect are low or non existant should I not just show her that I'm ready to move on?
I feel closer to ending things myself at the moment. You might then ask why am I here. I suppose because some of the better advice I've seen is here. I'm confused and don't know if the situation can be turned around.
I do want to save my marriage and keep my family together but not at the cost of my happiness and mental health.
I'll sleep on it before I decide about the weekend plans.
You said, “ I just feel like giving her very little of my time and attention, like she is doing to me.”
It’s good to acknowledge your feelings express them here process them let them go and not let them be your compass or rudder.
You are a grown man responsible for your actions and thus use as your guide things more reliable and sound than your feelings and how she has been treating you.
There is a lot at stake for you with or without her and in spite of how she treats you.
Hey I can relate. Feelings wow intense and powerful- at times unrelenting..
I went on the trip in the end. I was in a better mood. Felt like being sociable and wanted to enjoy some good food and company. The kids loved it. Had a great time. Not much hassle from W except the usual coldness and a bit of criticism of my driving which I let wash over me.
I'm still reading, exercising, working on the home, being social with friends, doing things for me.
Really digging in to reclaiming my dark side, my fun side, my adventurous side. It's so easy to fall into the discipline of routine when being a dad and having to provide for a family. We can lose some parts of ourselves slowly over time.
Time and patience is one thing but I will soon have to see some progress from W. I had a timeline for reevaluating in mind. I see no reason not to assert what I want and expect from a marriage. Why shouldnt I? We need to get unstuck.
We can lose some parts of ourselves slowly over time.
You'll find that pretty common in our stories here. It seems to be true both in the WAS and the LBS. It was true of me.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Time and patience is one thing but I will soon have to see some progress from W. I had a timeline for reevaluating in mind. I see no reason not to assert what I want and expect from a marriage. Why shouldnt I? We need to get unstuck.
On those timelines ... I'm not sure if you have really grasped how long these things take. Stories here that helped me understand were from Sandi2, AmyC, and FightingFit. Read through the thread below to see inside the mind of a woman who was in an A and what it took to come out. Her H was apparently broken by the attempt to wait that long.
Originally Posted by FightingFit
I think it takes about 2 years after the Affair for the person to truly reconnect to their partner and truly begin to see their behavior for how bad it was and truly ASSIMILATE the shame enough to finally feel REGRET. as I said, lets hope you can make it that long. there is no short cut.
