Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[Valeska19]

Are you okay with your wife coming into your house when you're away? (I knew there was an arrangement when you travel). Are you okay with her using your laundry and sleeping on your couch?

Why didn't you text your kids or your XW when they weren't home when you thought they would be. Seems like you needed to go a little further than just checking their location. Not a hard text to confirm with her right?

So what's the status with D19? Is she just working or thinking about college? I'm sure you see this but she is overcompensating and acting as a second mother. How are you actively combating this whilst gentle guiding her to be doing what typical 19 year olds should be?

[grok]

OUCH - a biking side story

just go

Well, here I was yesterday, all tired after work and needing a nap ... composing my thoughts around V's posts ... but thinking of taking my bike out to the trails, and D19 saying GO DO IT... It has been many months now as I have been letting my elbows heal up. Something like "tennis elbow." Doc gave me pain meds and said I had to stop for a while and heal.

She's right. an hour on the trail will be good mentally and physically. Live life in the present. I've got an hour on the trails before sunset. I decide I'll go medium effort though. Give myself time to get back into it.

About twenty minutes in I decide to go on a harder technical branch ... I'm taking it slow. The trail is steep down hill. and come up to a almost vertical 2.5 ft drop. OK. No big deal. I'll just ride both brakes and mosey over at under 5 mph. The trail following the drop has scattered paver stones placed by maintainers to deal with erosion. and just as I go over I notice

a fist sized loose rock

right where my front wheel will hit at the bottom

Oh S#$$

Yep, my front wheel twists and I go right over, forwards, over the handle bars, with my face heading towards those paver stones. A split second decision to let go and put my gloved hands forwards, tuck my chin down so my helmet hits and not my face. BANG. OUCH.

Emergency chemicals screaming in my bloodstream, I roll over and sit up. Triage. Knees hurt and bleeding, looks like scrapes and minor cuts. Hands hurt but have gloves on. Face hurts at the bridge of my nose and BLOOD streaming off my face. Ohh. It's coming from the bridge of my nose. I grab my water bottle and wash my face off. Bleeding slows. I take a selfie. LOL, that feels silly but I need to see what my nose looks like. It seems to be a cut across the bridge of my nose. Bleeding mostly stopped now.

Pause. Inventory myself. Nothing imediatly threatening. Wash off some more. Can I still ride the rest of my route? Maybe. I give it a minute and decide I should head back slowly. I got banged pretty good. Need to wash the cuts and disinfect. I can ride again another day. I'm still not sure how deep that cut across the bridge of my nose is.... hmmmm.

How did I get cut there anyway? I didn't hit the pavers there. I look at my helmet where I hit. Oh. Where is the visor? I hadn't realized but it was a clip on... It had popped off when I hit. And the edge of it went straight into the bridge of my nose. Ugh! REALLY?!!? *sigh*

Alrighty. I walk up the hill and get on to ride back gently. Let me do the 15 minute ride to the truck and 25 minutes back home before the false energy wears off. Or so I thought.

OK then....

I feel pretty creaky loading the truck. Yep going to feel this later. And then half way home I start feeling it NOW... but add in some nausea... and then some feeling faint... and then some vision diming. #$^#$%^$ those are potential signs of deeper injury like concussion. And it would be very bad to pass out while driving. hey phone, where is the nearest Urgent Care location?" Five minutes later I stop in to get checked.

Urgent Care, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do any injuries above the neck here. None of the Urgent Care places do. The cut on your nose does look deep though. I think it does need someone to check it out."
...
...
OK then
...
...

ER has cute nurses

There is a full hospital with an Emergency Room just two miles down the road. I consider driving myself but decide that is a dumb risk. And I need someone to secure my multi-thousand dollar bike. I call D19. One sentance in, "I'm coming to drive you Dad. I'll take care of your bike. Don't you try driving. That's not safe right now." Quick comprehension and decision making...she make a Dad proud.

She drops me off at the ER front door and heads home with the bike. I spend the next couple hours under the care of a pair of cute nurses and a personable doctor. Hand and knee X-rays and a quick CT head scan makes sure I have no concussion or broken bits beyond skin. The nose? Three stiches on the bridge of my nose. No more of the nausea or feeling like I will pass out...though the energy is all gone and I feel beat down now.

Doc, "If you are feeling pain I can give you some good stuff." Hydrocodone did ... and is right now taking the edge off. attribute any stylistic differences to that, as I'm under it's influence.

My three

D19 picks me up from the ER, "Dad we got the dogs walked, S13 is getting ready for bed, we got everything done tonight. Go crash out."

D18, "Duuuuude, with that bruise on your forehead you look like Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender!"

S13, "I don't' want to see. Why would I want to see that?"

Ha. Love those three different young personalities.

D19 as she leaves tonight for an overnight at a friends and then the amusement park tomorrow, "Dad. Seriously. Don't get injured tomorrow. I'll of course come get you if you need help, but I want to spend the whole day at the park with my friend."

Insane feat. Moon Holiday - Flume

You don′t have to be afraid
You don't even have to be brave
Living in a gilded cage
The only risk is that you′ll go

Go, go insane
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, go
Go, go, insane

g

- obviously not living in a gilded cage

- actual DB thoughts...maybe tomorrow...

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Good thing it was a slow speed crash. And what a fluke, the visor coming off and cutting into the bridge of your nose. That’s not how safety equipment supposed to work. lol.

Glad you’re ok g.

D

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, 
Still pains and bruises in knees, palms, and mild headaches.  The helmet did do its job though.  It has a pretty good scrape where it covered my forehead.  Prescription pain meds is good stuff too.  I’ve been at half speed for a few days….



V,
My days are full…one way or another!  Instead of trying to put it all down, I’ll just start working backwards… since last night there was a minor blowup that applies…

So what's the status with D19? Is she just working or thinking about college? I'm sure you see this but she is overcompensating and acting as a second mother. How are you actively combating this whilst gentle guiding her to be doing what typical 19 year olds should be?

about D19 -> D20!

First… Happy Birthday to D19!  She turned 20 on Easter.  I, S13 and D18 made a little family party for her.  Decorations, cake, presents….   XW texted them in the afternoon and took them out to Texas Roadhouse for a birthday dinner.

D20 isn’t all that academic and wasn’t interested in college upon HS graduation.  She did not complete the pre-requites for a college track.  She has been working full time since then with child/after school care and swim lessons.  (Side note: the place she works is owned/run by a woman and her two sons.  OM is one of those sons...)  She worked hard and got all her state certifications required for both skills.  Her side gig is babysitting from all the recommendations she gets through her day job.  

As a full time working young adult, she pays me each month household for expenses I itemize for her (water, electric, rent, etc…).  This is about 2/3 or 3/4 of the actual costs but it is a step towards launching ... owning and being responsible for her life herself.

In the last six months she has expressed a desire to earn more, explored the idea of moving in with a friend and a shared apartment, and talked about a degree she might like to pursue.  I responded to each by saying I would be happy to help her accomplish them.  To walk her through what each would take …

For her, I control minimally other than household standards and requiring the shared chores get done.  She does go out with friends, spends overnights, has friends over, ... her bedroom is her own space and so on.  I try to treat her as the young adult she is.  Guiding, not telling.

sisters minor blow up... and mom

Tonight I arrived home at 9:30p with D18 (trivia night at the pub and pick up D18 from gymnastics) to find XW’s vehicle in the driveway.  XW apparently inside and upstairs with D20 and S13.  D18 heads upstairs and I stay downstairs to finish some evening chores and finish chopping / putting away watermelon.  I hear a lot of excited voices upstairs.  Emotions seem to run hotter when XW is in the home.  I call upstairs to D18 that it is her night to walk the dogs with me.   One of our daily routines.

Several minutes later I hear excited voices... then D18 shouting with emotion and some anger... then a slammed door.  Hers I think.  More voices.  Heavy footsteps.  Sounds like XW going to the front door...then back... But now I also hear what sounds like the dog leashes.  ???

Then I hear D20 come down the stairs... insistent and stressed, "What are you doing? "

XW emotional and maybe angry, something like, "taking the dogs out.  ....  **something** calming down"

D20, "That's not how this works mom.  We have our routines!  That's not how ANY OF THIS WORKS!"

XW, emotional, "I'm not doing this.  I'm LEAVING!"

And she does with a huff and hard door close.

the rest of the story

D20 comes into the kitchen where I had just finished cutting up the watermelon, Dad, I'm walking the dogs with you tonight.  Lets go. "

I know we'll talk while walking.  This has been one of our routines.  Each in nightly rotation has dog walking time to say whatever they want away from their siblings.  I go upstairs to get my shoes and knock on D18's door, "D18, I'm going to walk the dogs now with D20.  Do you want a hug first?"  

I instruct S13 and then leave with D20 and dogs...  after being squeezed tight and tears left on my shirt by D18.   Barely out the door and D20,

OK, Dad, here's what happened...
D18 and I misunderstood each other the other night when she walked instead of me
I thought it was for my birthday as a present
She thought we were exchanging days
When you called for her, she came into my room insisting that it was my night
I got flustered and emotional 
and I could tell I needed to calm down 
so I asked her to leave first so I could calm down
She wouldn't leave 
and I asked her like twenty times
I remember you told us our own rooms were OUR space 
and we could tell our siblings to leave and they had to, right?"

G, "Yes D20, that is true.  I'll talk to D18 about it."

"Well, I couldn't answer D18 because I was all emotional,
but I kept my cool this time,
I managed myself!

And then Mom stepped in 
and told D18 to "come here right now" 
and pointed at the floor in front of her 
and told her to "calm down"

THAT never works
and didn't
and she is treating us like we are 12
and that is when she came downstairs 
and tried to walk the dogs

G, "Well, your mother might have been trying to do something nice for you.  ... and there are memes about women being told to "just calm down"...  LOL"

Yeah, well, it NEVER WORKS.  
And this is OUR space not hers
We have OUR routines 
If she wants to do something nice she should go get us Starbucks or something.

G, "Yes, this is our space now.  Our home.  I appreciate your help in making it OUR home.  You've helped with many of the things your mother used to do.  I don't want you to take over her roles though.  You are the big sister."

I know Dad.  That IS how I try to do things.  As big sister."

She does try to fit into a role of young adult participation in a household.  She does try to keep it to big sister.  Though she didn't start out that way...  and we have talked about this before.  

g

Sometimes I feel like skin and bones.

Skin and bones - Switchfoot

The wasteland is mine, mine alone
The desert comes alive when no one's home
Apocalyptic skies burning gold
I walk these empty miles, I can't find a soul
...
In my mind I'm miles away
I'm miles away