I found this site a couple/few years ago and it helped me to keep my family together through some truely hard times. I had a WAW and I was completely taken by surprise. I read and posted here, I followed parts of the book, and I believe that with the knowledge gainned here and a commom sense approach turned it around for me. It took one and half years for her to go from saying see didn't love me anymore to her saying she wanted to get back together. A lot happened during that year and a half and year and a lot has happened the year and a half we have been back together. But during this time I often read posts to re-enforce the techniques learned. I just wanted to throw this out to all of you. Hopefully, through your patience and hard work your situations will turn around.
Probably the one that stands out the most was and is controlled patience. I controlled my feeling when dealing with the everyday type problems (gave in to her) and on the larger issues like kids, home, divorce, affairs, and future I stuck to my guns and said you can not have it both ways. I distanced myself from her and just before the final break (I was going to start over and give up) she wanted to try and to try on my terms. She appreciated the fact that I never accepted her new double life and kept the same disposition on the big issues. Sorry if not making a lot of sense, I am not very good at writing.
Hi Success..thanks for sharing...that is great news! So, did you ever file for D, or did she ever file? I am curious because I just filed and my H will be served this weekend. I am very sad about it, but had to do it to protect me and my 16 month old twins financially. He is not giving me money and has run up his credit cards to the tune of $15,000 in a month's time! If you did file for D, at what point after filing did the tide start to turn your way? Thanks a lot, Tracie
AHhhh... there's that time is my friend thing again. Thanks for sharing Success. Especially about not giving up some of your boundaries. Gives me hope that I'm on the right track.
My situation is just beginning. I am separated and on the fringe of talking finances and final child visitation. I have a 2 yr old d. To this point i have been totally nice and giving. I have pretty much agreed to give her what she has asked for. Now it seems like I am seeing her taking advantage of the situation. As in your case, should I now draw a hard line.
My W was the one who has left our home with our d and is trying to find herself and thinks that I was never emotionally available to her. I want my W back so bad and I don't want to make a mistake. She left the house on Sept 1.
She has filed for legal separation and now admits she made a mistake. We have a schedule court date on Oct 4, but we are trying to work thinbgs out before that date.
Do you have any suggestions regarding how I should handle things. Again, should I draw a hard line?
Thank you in advance and it is great to see sonmeone whpo has actually fixed their R.
Just curious, what did you mean when you told your W she can't have it 'both ways'?
My H is living the double life as well. We have been separated for over one year. He has a girlfriend yet still wants to be a large part of my life and wants continual involvement with my family. He has a vision of us as a happy ex-couple. I don't want that now. Is this what you encountered and how did you deal with it?
Success, Congratulations on your success! I'm really happy for you that things have turned out the way you wanted. I'm not surprised that things are always rosy either. They never are! But you should feel very proud of yourself that you fought for your marriage and fortunate that your wife finally realized the value in staying together. Keep us your success! And thanks for being an inspiration to others. Michele
I'm also interested in what you meen by sticking to your guns. My wife has filed for a seperation and wants everything. She wants to give me the C 16% of the time. I'm a good dad and have played a very active role in thier lives. Did you have to fight your W on these issues?
She filed for the divorce and 6 months later it was finalized. Seven months later, out of the blue, she sends me a card about a couple grabbing each other and writes in her own hand writing - maybe we should try this. This was near Valentines Day and completely took me by surprise. I thought and everyone we know thought it was over for ever. I know I was really never over her and it would have taken me many years to regroup. Up to that point, I had had enouph of her wanting to be a single parent and her job. I tryed to accept all of this, her job, her new apartment, her ER but could not. She was mad because she though she gave me an easy divorce and that I should accept this and do things with her and the kids even after we were divorced. She definitely wanted it both ways. She would say she never wanted the divorce but she was the one that did it. She says she wanted a seperation only and that I pushed her to complete the divorce. I admit I did push her because I felt there was no chance of a reconcilation, didn't like her new views on life, and she was real good about the kids and money. So after a 4-5 months into the divorce I started to treat the divorce like a real divorce. I told her she couldn't just show up when she wanted and that we were going to stick to the visitation schedule. All during this she always threatened me with a PA. I felt the ER had already turned but she always denied even after the divorce. As this went on I guess she starting becoming very unhappy with her life. She had it all, new apartment, good job,kids to enjoy, and a EA that would not leave her alone. Here is were a little luck helps. Her friend asked her if it was alright for a friend of hers to ask me out on a date. My wife (ex) says that it didn't matter but I think it did. I also think working out instead of drinking helped, keeping in touch with my MIl and her sister helped alot. The day we dicided to try I asked her if she had a PA and she said no way never happenned. When we got back she stopped seeing the ER, left her job and is happy we are together to this day. We did the retro deal a year ago. That helped alot. After that which was 6-7 months after we were back, she had to own up to admitting the EA turned to PA after we were divorced but before we got back together. I told her it was probably her best move because I do not think I would have taker her back had I know before. Still a big surprise to me but down deep we were divorced, I was kind of looking around myself, and she came back and chose me. The jerk had a real hard time with all of this because he thought he had his life planned with her. I tryed to answer all your questions the best I could. I hope it works out for all of you.
Seems like you completely alienated yourself from her. This made her wonder about YOU. Why is he moving on so quickly, what's going on with him, etc etc. I don't know if that could work with me. I've done the LRT and the 180s. Both have worked in their own way. Only now I'm stuck in the middle. My H isn't showing signs of coming back home. He does come around alot, he plays around with me (not sexually), he makes dinner, etc etc. But he doesn't want to work on our marriage. Am I missing something here?
Thanks for your input and congratulations on your marriage.
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
I must tell you that after 7 months of seperation hell I have decided to give up and move on. We are in according to her "divorce" counseling. I am tired of paying bills on a house and lifestyle I am not allowed to have. So I instructed my lawyer to get her side to start moving. Lately she has been nice to me, although she does not know that I have instructed my lawyer to get them to move. Last night I went to see my d. at a ballet. When she was on stage I quietly cried. I tried very hard to hide it. The w. saw it. She talked to a mutual friend wondering if the tears were real. The friend said hell yes! My goodness is the w. that dumb. This is very painful! On a side note she and I did have a nice time together, joked laughed etc. However at one point she introduced herself as w. smith and this is julio smith rather than as my h. julio. I am not surprised but is was sort of a shock to hear that.
Anyway, I am preparing the next stage of my life. We need to split the only real asset we have - our house. That will be painful - more so to her than me. Maybe the shock will cause her to think about things maybe not. However waiting only hurts me. Yes I do hope for a result like success' but I just cannot wait anymore. It is killing me.
I know how you feel. It kills me inside when I see my kids school functions or when I see them in old photos. They've grown so much in just one year. The other night my H stared at each one of them and was mesmerized. He said he couldn't believe how much they've grown. He even said he can't believe how much he's missed out on..................HELLO!!! wake up call? My son will be 9 this year. He's the oldest and he's taken it pretty hard. My H was his best buddy and he's missed out on his dad this long. I can only pray that I've taught my son to not give up on anyone or anything. Never blame anyone (he's gotten angry over his dad leaving) and never ever hate anyone. Inside I just wanted to scream for all the crap that I've been through with my H but I realize it's not all his fault for leaving.
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
My w. has absolutely no job prospects. She is still working for me and would like to continue (huh?). She will never be able to afford the house and it is a big issue with me that he/she who pays for the house gets it! Kids can stay! Look I am not trying to be mean, I just want to protect myself. I pay all the bills, should I not get the assets that go with it? For her the only thing that has changed is that I do not live with her. For me I have lost my w., family (sorry folks a part time dad is just not the same as a full time dad) and my house. I want this over! I want to buy a nice place to provide for my kids and start over. I could give a damn what happens to her. If she wants to try any sort of reconciliation fine. I will continue with "whatever" counseling with the small hope that maybe we can work things out. However, she needs to understand that she has more to lose than I do. Her move.
One thing I find strange is that she tells our mutual friend every damn thing I do. Mean or nice. What the hell for? She says it is over, why run to and tell someone what I am up for. Is she seeking validation for her stupidity. Probably. But the latest about me crying at the ballet was strange. What fool would not think those were real tears!
Our friend did do something I thought was interesting. She told w. that she was mean and too defensive and that trait probably drove me to the state of mind that made w. mad. W. started defending herself and friend said, see I told you so. That is what I have been screaming about for years! W. has a problem that has driven me nuts. She just cannot admit that she is to blame sometimes. Everything is someone fault. Maybe this so called divorce counseling may shed some light on that who knows.
We had a small argument last night. Surprisingly it ended postive. She did want to argue about what I said in counseling. I told her that I would not discuss what was said in counseling at all! She blamed me for the d. I told her she was selfish! Nevertheless we ended on a positive note. She is super b$tchy lately. I keep my distance!
She keeps putting off the hard reality of d. She has her independence but has not been paying the price. The price will be that she must find a job and if I am paying the bills on it, she must move out of the house. I am sure she is going to pull the kid card, in response I will say, well the kids can stay. It is time for her to grow up and stop using me.
Our friend did do something I thought was interesting. She told w. that she was mean and too defensive and that trait probably drove me to the state of mind that made w. mad. W. started defending herself and friend said, see I told you so. That is what I have been screaming about for years! W. has a problem that has driven me nuts. She just cannot admit that she is to blame sometimes. Everything is someone fault. Maybe this so called divorce counseling may shed some light on that who knows.
julio,
That is typical! My exW blamed me for everything as well. She said I never wanted to do anything.... Yet, when a band we BOTH liked came to town, she did NOT want to go because it was on a work night! You need to get used to it....... She is not responsible for anything!
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Hi everyone - my H told me 6 months ago that he wanted a divorce but then he never mentioned it again so I thought that we were working on our relationship. Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from his lawyer telling me I should get a lawyer for my marital problems. I went into the other room and asked my H what this was about and he said it's the beginning of D. I was shocked because I really didn't see it coming. I told him this is not what I want and that I still loved him and begged him to work on it he said no. We have been married for 6 years and have a 3 year old son I'm so sad and could use any help anyone can give me. I still love him and will do anything to make my M work. Please help me!!!!
Thank you for posting your success, Success. Your situation shows me that not all is lost just because the D is final. Rather than hijack your thread, I'll start my own and hope for support and encouragement in my journey.
Thanks again for posting your fantastic story.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
well let's all hope time will be my friend as well. The crazy thing is she thinks it's going to be easy to be friends and move out of our house into another together.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
You all are God sent...you gotta know this, because I have felt so alone lately. This place feels safe to me...safe that I can bare all my fears and sadness, and I won't get bashed emotionally for it.
Thanks success for sharing your story. It does give a person hope...
Bliss
Me:46 H: 46 DD:22, DS:12 Together since age 16. Married: 26 years 10-9-08...H filed for D same week as our anniversary.
Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
I wonder if after you've tried everything and nothing seems to work, just moving on (especially mentally at first and then physically) might be the answer that suddenly makes you attractive again.
That is where I am at. Maybe my husband will wake up out of his cloud like your wife has. Very happy for you!
I too must first say CONGRATS! and thank you for sharing something that makes me smile. Maybe it will not happen for my sitch, but I am SOOO happy to see a success for someone! We've all been through the emotional ringer and to see a glimmer of hope and a positive outcome for someone is such a relief to see.
My WAW is filing soon, she's in a full blown PA w/ support from MIL, and for all intensive purposes, she's moved on...the reality is, she's been out of the house for just less than a month, when she first met OM.
I feel good knowing that she's filing, I feel like something at least is going to happen...and I am in no way trying to rush into anything w/ anyone.
That gives me a little bit of hope. My divorce was final about a week ago, I never wanted it, but did ALL of the wrong things in the 13 months we were separated. After finding Michelle's book wandering around a bookstore in a fog a couple of days after it was final, I could have kicked myself. I did everything you should NOT do. I feel like if I had this information several months ago things would be much different. Is there really hope when you have already finalized the divorce?
Your story, in many ways, mirrors my own. But for the success (yet). That's why I come here. To gain Hope and insight. My Lord has supplied my faith, but I still need earthly stories to see the possibility. Thank You and God Bless You:-)
M-34 W-31 2 S,11&11 1 D, 6 T 13 YEARS M 12 YEARS ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009 We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
Definitely a good story. It seems that the divorce ("dissolution" in this state because we haven't been married that long) that my wife wants will be final very soon (if it isn't already and the papers are just in the mail). So stories of couples who reunite after the divoce are particularly inspiring to me now...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
nodephi~making the S face reality is seriously needed. I have forced my H to do so several times ie, no, we will not have joint birthday parties for the children, ect. His response later? That he wished he could have been there. I replied "it's ok, it's just our new way of life". Then he admitted, I know, I don't like it".
Making them face reality, which is a by product of going dark, helps so much. It gives them a glimpse into the future of what their life will be like should they decide to continue with their current state of mind.
just some food for thought...
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
My divorce goes final in the next couple weeks. She walked out and says she doesn't love me anymore. We have 3 kids and were married 10 years. Her mother is paying her atty fees and gave her an ultimatum that if she cancelled the divorce then wanted to file later she wouldn't pay for it. My W is a completely different person now. She knows I'll do anything to keep the family together but has hardened her heart. The kids don't want it either but that doesn't matter to her either. I think she has the "grass is always greener" syndrome going on right now. I've done everything wrong and am now just hoping she will see the light sometime soon. I told her that I'll wait for her(another dumb move). Need prayers and hope.
You know, since my WAW experience is still an open wound, perhaps my judgement is a bit off but a year and a half is a LONG time. I don't know, is there something wrong with me that I wouldn't want my wife back after that long. I feel as though once she sleeps with someone else...hasta levista baby...I already wasted 20 years with you...why would I go back after you sowed your wild oates? Maybe I'm bitter but I want her back before she's with another man...or she can stay gone. That's my limit for any R possibility. However I am SUPER PLEASED that you are happy and got your love back! I guess some people can move beyond that, I can't.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Your story is awesome and gives me hope. I really enjoyed reading your success story and made my day so far. I'm glad to see letting go is def different from giving up and a success story to follow.
Joejoe1
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
My divorce goes final in the next couple weeks. She walked out and says she doesn't love me anymore. We have 3 kids and were married 10 years. Her mother is paying her atty fees and gave her an ultimatum that if she cancelled the divorce then wanted to file later she wouldn't pay for it. My W is a completely different person now. She knows I'll do anything to keep the family together but has hardened her heart. The kids don't want it either but that doesn't matter to her either. I think she has the "grass is always greener" syndrome going on right now. I've done everything wrong and am now just hoping she will see the light sometime soon. I told her that I'll wait for her(another dumb move). Need prayers and hope.
So it's been such a long time ... do you have an update for us?
You need to get used to it....... 
She is not responsible for anything!