I found this site a couple/few years ago and it helped me to keep my family together through some truely hard times. I had a WAW and I was completely taken by surprise. I read and posted here, I followed parts of the book, and I believe that with the knowledge gainned here and a commom sense approach turned it around for me. It took one and half years for her to go from saying see didn't love me anymore to her saying she wanted to get back together. A lot happened during that year and a half and year and a lot has happened the year and a half we have been back together. But during this time I often read posts to re-enforce the techniques learned. I just wanted to throw this out to all of you. Hopefully, through your patience and hard work your situations will turn around.
Probably the one that stands out the most was and is controlled patience. I controlled my feeling when dealing with the everyday type problems (gave in to her) and on the larger issues like kids, home, divorce, affairs, and future I stuck to my guns and said you can not have it both ways. I distanced myself from her and just before the final break (I was going to start over and give up) she wanted to try and to try on my terms. She appreciated the fact that I never accepted her new double life and kept the same disposition on the big issues. Sorry if not making a lot of sense, I am not very good at writing.
Hi Success..thanks for sharing...that is great news! So, did you ever file for D, or did she ever file? I am curious because I just filed and my H will be served this weekend. I am very sad about it, but had to do it to protect me and my 16 month old twins financially. He is not giving me money and has run up his credit cards to the tune of $15,000 in a month's time! If you did file for D, at what point after filing did the tide start to turn your way? Thanks a lot, Tracie
AHhhh... there's that time is my friend thing again. Thanks for sharing Success. Especially about not giving up some of your boundaries. Gives me hope that I'm on the right track.
My situation is just beginning. I am separated and on the fringe of talking finances and final child visitation. I have a 2 yr old d. To this point i have been totally nice and giving. I have pretty much agreed to give her what she has asked for. Now it seems like I am seeing her taking advantage of the situation. As in your case, should I now draw a hard line.
My W was the one who has left our home with our d and is trying to find herself and thinks that I was never emotionally available to her. I want my W back so bad and I don't want to make a mistake. She left the house on Sept 1.
She has filed for legal separation and now admits she made a mistake. We have a schedule court date on Oct 4, but we are trying to work thinbgs out before that date.
Do you have any suggestions regarding how I should handle things. Again, should I draw a hard line?
Thank you in advance and it is great to see sonmeone whpo has actually fixed their R.
Just curious, what did you mean when you told your W she can't have it 'both ways'?
My H is living the double life as well. We have been separated for over one year. He has a girlfriend yet still wants to be a large part of my life and wants continual involvement with my family. He has a vision of us as a happy ex-couple. I don't want that now. Is this what you encountered and how did you deal with it?
Success, Congratulations on your success! I'm really happy for you that things have turned out the way you wanted. I'm not surprised that things are always rosy either. They never are! But you should feel very proud of yourself that you fought for your marriage and fortunate that your wife finally realized the value in staying together. Keep us your success! And thanks for being an inspiration to others. Michele
I'm also interested in what you meen by sticking to your guns. My wife has filed for a seperation and wants everything. She wants to give me the C 16% of the time. I'm a good dad and have played a very active role in thier lives. Did you have to fight your W on these issues?
She filed for the divorce and 6 months later it was finalized. Seven months later, out of the blue, she sends me a card about a couple grabbing each other and writes in her own hand writing - maybe we should try this. This was near Valentines Day and completely took me by surprise. I thought and everyone we know thought it was over for ever. I know I was really never over her and it would have taken me many years to regroup. Up to that point, I had had enouph of her wanting to be a single parent and her job. I tryed to accept all of this, her job, her new apartment, her ER but could not. She was mad because she though she gave me an easy divorce and that I should accept this and do things with her and the kids even after we were divorced. She definitely wanted it both ways. She would say she never wanted the divorce but she was the one that did it. She says she wanted a seperation only and that I pushed her to complete the divorce. I admit I did push her because I felt there was no chance of a reconcilation, didn't like her new views on life, and she was real good about the kids and money. So after a 4-5 months into the divorce I started to treat the divorce like a real divorce. I told her she couldn't just show up when she wanted and that we were going to stick to the visitation schedule. All during this she always threatened me with a PA. I felt the ER had already turned but she always denied even after the divorce. As this went on I guess she starting becoming very unhappy with her life. She had it all, new apartment, good job,kids to enjoy, and a EA that would not leave her alone. Here is were a little luck helps. Her friend asked her if it was alright for a friend of hers to ask me out on a date. My wife (ex) says that it didn't matter but I think it did. I also think working out instead of drinking helped, keeping in touch with my MIl and her sister helped alot. The day we dicided to try I asked her if she had a PA and she said no way never happenned. When we got back she stopped seeing the ER, left her job and is happy we are together to this day. We did the retro deal a year ago. That helped alot. After that which was 6-7 months after we were back, she had to own up to admitting the EA turned to PA after we were divorced but before we got back together. I told her it was probably her best move because I do not think I would have taker her back had I know before. Still a big surprise to me but down deep we were divorced, I was kind of looking around myself, and she came back and chose me. The jerk had a real hard time with all of this because he thought he had his life planned with her. I tryed to answer all your questions the best I could. I hope it works out for all of you.
