sg: Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this "state of mind". As a relitive newby here and at dbing, I agree that just thinking of it as a last resort technique makes it seem really scary for someone just starting out.
But thinking of it as a state of mind, man that makes a world of difference. I'm going to read this over and over until I can take it to heart.
Thanks JJ, I guess I am struggling with it. I am doing it as of now and hae been for about a month now. But am I truely letting go if I hope to get my H back b/c of it. My intentions are to give him space, work on improving myself (school and working out), work on improving friendships, and finally to let go of worrying about what he is doing or feeling. I think I still worry that he is not coping with this (he advoids conflict and this is the biggest ever). I have realized that this has less to do with me than it has to do with his general unhappiness, I've stopped feeling like I should have done something different. I guess I don't feel like I am really letting go if I hope to get him back. If I'm doing ok what is the next step. Thanks for your input you've helped me out before at a critcal point, I could use that help again. Thanks, Sweet Orange
SG, thanks for posting. I am getting better both at the "dark" item and the "LRT" item. Maybe we all have to go through the doom and gloom phase; after all, once you've reached that point where the Last Resort Technique seems like the only way, you're desperate. It's only after a bit of working on yourself that the dark grey starts to lighten and the possibilities open up. Then you're beginning to live, not just breathe. I see the light! TTFN
"I guess I don't feel like I am really letting go if I hope to get him back."
"Letting go" isn't necessarily the same as "tossing away". I think there's a BIG difference. Learning how to set yourself free from others, how to "detach" yourself from them, can actually work to bring you closer together. Sounds kinda weird, but it does seem to work that way.
You're taking yourself out of the equation when it comes to them and THEIR problems. Whether you've been needy, clingy, controlling, domineering, demanding, an anchor, or whatever they perceive you to be. You are removing yourself from being a scapegoat, are allowing them to begin to sort through their own stuff, and maybe give them a chance to see you in a different light. They deserve that courtesy from you. It's THEIR chance for self-discovery and change, just like you are doing. You don't have to "desert" them, you can be there with open arms and open eyes if and when they begin reaching back out to you.
Also, another biggie here is that you are taking THEM out of the equation when it comes to figuring out and working on YOUR stuff.
Again, if all this is done in the right frame of mind, I see this as a win-win situation all around for you, no matter what the final outcome of your relationship is.
JJ
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"Maybe we all have to go through the doom and gloom phase; after all, once you've reached that point where the Last Resort Technique seems like the only way, you're desperate."
It was that way for me. I had to hit an emotional rock-bottom, and began to feel the physical symptoms from all the stress. It was then that I decided that I wasn't going to do that to myself anymore, and made changes from there. Looking back, it seems like that was the point to where things really started to turn around for the better in not only me, but in my relationship with my wife.
It's almost like a spiritually cleansing experience. It can help you to begin to see where you really were, where you are now, and gives you a lot more options on choosing where it is you want to head.
JJ
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I want to add a piece of wisdom here from my dear friend Kent -
quote:Originally posted by KentS:
If there is one thing I wish I could help everyone see, it's that we make this struggle far worse than it needs to be. I wish everyone here could chill out a little more and stop beleiving that we are somehow in control of the situation. At best, we can control ourselves and most of us don't do that very well. If you realize this fact, we will know where to place our effort.
JJ
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BillB---I think its awesome that we have successful DB men like JJ and KentS and Cliff that are willing to share and give advice.
It is good for women like me to see men like you guys actually caring and working at the relationships. I think we women tend to think women are the only ones who really care, and it isn't true.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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