This post was very helpful to me, and was always one of my personal favorites. It came around at a time when I really needed it, and helped me to get going in the right direction.
Thanks Michele and Jamie!!
This is topic Jamie's Story in forum Another Divorce Busted! at Michele's Forums.
Posted by Michele (Member # 450) on January 30, 2001, 04:08 PM:
Another one today, yeah! ************************************* Hi Everyone- This is the first thread I've opened since my H returned home at the end of the summer after our 21 month separation and I have to say that things are better between us than they've ever been. I am a firm believer of DB for many reasons, but the primary ones are that it helped me reach the point where I honestly knew that I would be fine regardless of whether my H returned and it helped me piece my marriage back together. I waited a full 6 months before fully reporting back here because our rebuilding was a gradual process, as had been the deterioration of our marriage, and my focus, with the exception of sporadically posting on others' threads, was on continuing my DB efforts once we were living together again. Even in my now healthy marriage, I catch myself occassionally by guarding against falling back into some negative patterns that I took full responsibility for when I looked deep inside myself during our separation. My H and I have openly discussed the things he did that contributed to our problems and he too has clearly changed. So, in a nutshell, we both have made necessary changes and continue to grow.
When I look back and read some newer posts on the board now I can so vividly remember the pain I experienced and the roller coaster ride that went on and on and on. I remember wanting to detach from my H's drama and trying to develop strategies to have him notice the "changed me," but my detachment came only after I knew and practiced that I would be o.k. regardless of what happened with our marriage. I didn't shut him out of my life, but I didn't openly invite him along. There was no longer a compelling need on my part for OR conversations and I was relaxed on both the outside and the inside. We took a family vacation four months before his return and had a wonderful time. A couple of weeks later he stated that he wanted to return home to me and our two children. Naturally, I wanted that immediately, but it became clear that it needed to happen on a slower track.
Once he moved back home, I went through the process of having to catch myself in those moments of wondering whether he was here to stay or "just testing the waters." We slept in separate bedrooms initially and it was another phase for me to understand how he could be so sure he was here to stay yet not crave physical intimacy with me. We talked openly about it and decided that we would become the best of friends again before taking further steps. With that as history now, I'm so thankful for how things went upon his return. I had had an overwhelming desire to make up for lost time and I suppose it might have been riddled with some predictable neediness that I thought I had shed during our separation--further evidence that there is always more to be learned and absorbed in the DB way.
I again thank Michele and everyone here for helping me through my darkest days and helping me to find the strength to do what I needed to do to get my life back on track. "Getting my life back on track" was not a guarantee that my marriage would come back together, but it was a guarantee that I'd find myself again and pursue what it was that would bring happiness to me and my children. You know who you are and I love you and think of you often--Jamie
JJ
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Wow JJ! That was great! That encompasses a lot of stuff in a small space. Now if people can remember it when their own waters are being tested .
Something I'd been thinking about this morning...
It would be nice if more men would turn "love" into an action verb toward their wives and children and less a noun. That they would recognize that they get positive response from loving (albiet awkward) actions. To not give up just cause their family is tentative in their response. If they could personalize their families response to how they react when they're in a similar situation. Usually they find their family is being quite resonable and probably nicer than if it were them.
It would be nice if more women would recognize when their husbands are shouting their love off the rooftops even if it's not the way they want it. A lot of times we don't even see they're showing love in their way. Sometimes she's so busy being annoyed or hurt by his actions instead of stopping and realizing that he's saying he loves her and her alone. It's something ladies - appreciate it before it's withdrawn or given elsewhere.
Just really resonant this morning for me. I think if both sides would work harder on those things, a lot more relationships would be stronger, happier and fulfilling.
Do you "want" your partner, or do you "need" your partner?
If you "need" your partner, you'll get caught up in a whirlwind of desperation to "get them back". You're going to jerked around, "reacting" to every situation that comes along.
All of your energy will be focused on changing yourself to become the person that THEY want you to be, instead of concentrating on being a person that YOU want to be.
Your life can become an empty vacuum that sucks the life-force out of everyone that comes close to you. It can be a drain to just be around you.
Learn to "want" your partner. Win them back and keep them by adding to their lives instead of being a source of negative energy flow. "Share" your life with them, and don't make them responsible for your well-being and happiness.
This is the best gift you could ever give to your partner, and, more importantly, to yourself.
JJ
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This is a great point & something I've been looking at lately. Once we arrive at this moment, we radiate with love, warmth & tenderness which is irresistable to everyone...
I just wanted to share with you what prompted me to write this.
Due to various emotional and medical reasons, my wife has "needed" me for the past year to help her get her life back together. OUR life back together.
I made the decision (not relying on the feeling) that I was going to love her. It's been quite a struggle for me at times, and this is one of those times.
She's a thousand times better than she was, and I have to keep that in mind. It CAN be very draining on me, and the relationship, when she depends on me for too many things. For her stability, comfort, and happiness.
If I was working strictly off of feelings, if I hadn't made my "decision" to love her, if I had the frame of mind of a walkaway, I'd probably be tossing in the towel now, depending on the day.
Walkaways have made different choices than I have. I must confess that this neediness is something that made me leave the relationship a couple of years ago. My hopes are that others can learn from this by reading, and not by experience.
JJ
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I understand this completely. We can so easily burden our spouses with our own stuff & it's not fair on them or our marriage. I did this for a number of years & it weighed heavy on my beautiful husband.
When we're both happy, at peace & strong within, we complement each other and bring more joy & love into our marriage. Everyone benefits and we become a source of happiness to everyone we touch.
"When we're both happy, at peace & strong within, we complement each other and bring more joy & love into our marriage. Everyone benefits and we become a source of happiness to everyone we touch."
And that happiness, peace, and strength can start with just one person.
It's one of those "good" cantagious "diseases"!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
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