wise---from JJ re: LRT --must read :)

[Committed2Him]

JJ- keep the mine open, I keep sending those prospectors here where the ore is rich and plentiful. C2H

[ May 16, 2002, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Committed2Him ]

[aplomado]

This is to JJ. I'm new to the thread and read your post of May 9, 2002, I believe, (when I clicked here, that link disappeared)where you refer to a post about "Letting Go." In that passage is this statement:

In your heart, you can be willing to lose someone, but in your actions, do everything you can to make sure the person feels so loved that he or she would never want to leave.

Okay, how does one do this and not give the impression of being "clingy?"

thanks~

[Committed2Him]

quote: Okay, how does one do this and not give the impression of being "clingy?"

aplomando, I will add some thoughts while you wait for JJ?s answer (learned some of these techniques from him): Practice validation, showing respect, honest communication, active listening etc. Most spouses pursue their WAS and cross the boundaries the WAS has set up. This only serves to aggravate the WAS, they feel like their spouse is being needy, clingy or pursuing etc.

When the WAS is given their space, at some point they will need to or want to communicate with their spouse for a variety of reasons and those are the opportunities where the Dber can be empathetic, genuine, validating, respectful, not defensive etc. There is a difference between practicing active listening or using validating techniques and being clingy.

People want to be understood but when they have reached the point of being a WAS, they first want relief and they want their space. The opportunity to demonstrate unconditional love will present itself almost every time. C2H

[Jamesjohn]

quote:Originally posted by Committed2Him:

What others have found helpful is to do things that would enhance your self esteem right now, do something you have always wanted to do. You feel rejected as a person but W really was rejecting your actions and how you treated her. She was rejecting a behavior and behaviors can change.

aplomado - C2H was right on with his response to you. He is a very wise soul indeed!

[Committed2Him]

JJ,

We both gained our "wisdom " at the DBing School of Do It The Wrong Way Until You Finally Get It Through Your Thick Skull! I gots a PhD, thank you very much!

[ May 21, 2002, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: Committed2Him ]

[aplomado]

Committed2Him and jj:

Thank you for the responses. The last thing I want to appear is "clingy" since that is one of her complaints. I have been distancing myself, but have not been cold or cruel. Any other links that might help?

[Jamesjohn]

Distancing- What is it? What works?- A discussion

[aplomado]

Thanks for the link, jj!

[viki]

Reading this has really helped me this morning. I am having such a tough time following through as things draw to a close for me. I think. I assume. Since I see no evidence to the contrary, I don't know if leaving him alone is working, but I know it isn't as hurtful as contacting him. And surely on some level, he must be wondering...even if it has only been a few weeks.

Damn, this is so hard, and I am so grateful for everyone's patience as I stumble and fumble my way around here...

[Phoenix]

Been playing along at home - still great stuff but it didn't need any bumps before today .

Here's what I would call a FRT (First Resort Technique) - Have you ever said something? At all? Even a little?

It sounds like DB Blasphmay doesn't it? But I find so many people don't tell anyone there's something wrong in the first place. Usually for fear or the mindreader syndrome.

I've had friends who were furious with me for great lengths of time. Finally, because I can be dense - I say "hey, what's wrong?". Usually I get "nothing just nothing". So I may press a little. Pretty soon everything's out in the open and we're peas and carrots all over again.

And there have been times when I thought others should just know better and have some compassion for me or that they're just big ol boobs - til I say "Hey, would you please XXX?" and bammo - they're like "Sure, how's that?".

Presentation is everything. If you come off offensive or defensive then you're gonna get a negative response. But if you're honest and use manners, you may be surprised what you may get back. Nervous is ok too as long as you don't attack like a little fluffy dog.

It's when you've done that and you're still getting rebuked that I can see going to the next step.

Sorry JJ - I love what you've been posting but I hate to "just" bump up a thread. And I talk too much...

[ May 23, 2002, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Phoenix ]