wise---from JJ re: LRT --must read :)

[Zebra]

amen fee.

I don't know why, but it seems when you read the book you want to immediately leap to the LRT. Desparation I suppose. But in so many sitches, LRT is more of the same. LRT is the epitome of ignoring you spouse, and if you haven't dealt with the issues that brought you to this point, haven't really considered how you could be better and made yourself such, LRT is just more same-old.

Sometimes the true "something different" is to actually talk to your spouse, and if you had done that even the week before you showed up here, or the week before the 'bomb', then you might not be here.

Now, I don't mean begging and pleading. I mean talking. Sharing. Being friendly. Finding out likes and dislikes. Non judgemental. Non controlling. Just talk, as you would to a newly met aquaintance.

Good post, fee. (as you see, I can't just bump either..... )

z

[ May 23, 2002, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Zebra ]

[Committed2Him]

Phoe wisely said:

quote:Here's what I would call a FRT (First Resort Technique) - Have you ever said something? At all? Even a little??It sounds like DB Blasphmay doesn't it? But I find so many people don't tell anyone there's something wrong in the first place.

Presentation is everything. If you come off offensive or defensive then you're gonna get a negative response. But if you're honest and use manners, you may be surprised what you may get back. Nervous is ok too as long as you don't attack like a little fluffy dog.

Z astutely added:

quote:Now, I don't mean begging and pleading. I mean talking. Sharing. Being friendly. Finding out likes and dislikes. Non judgemental. Non controlling. Just talk, as you would to a newly met aquaintance.

My 2 cents. Agree wholeheartedly that when we can communicate, seek to understand and validate the WAS's feelings (not judge them) AND, can avoid justifying and defending our past actions or behaviors, we can make a little headway with our spouses. Maybe enough headway to speed up the healing process such that we never get to a LRT.

Ok, out of change, bye

[ May 23, 2002, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: Committed2Him ]

[Jamesjohn]

Now wait a minute here people!

Are you talking about open and honest communication with your partner?

Are you thinking about "asking for what you want"?

Are you insinuating that we should stop trying to be a mind-reader, and not expect other's to be either?

Are you suggesting to treat your partner as you would a friend?

Wow, way cool!!

This could be a "more of what works", "a "180", "doing something different", and few other of Michele's good stuff all wrapped up in one package!!

We could be on to something here!

[ May 23, 2002, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]

[Mick]

I don't know why, but it seems when you read the book you want to immediately leap to the LRT. Desparation I suppose. But in so many sitches, LRT is more of the same. LRT is the epitome of ignoring you spouse,

Is it?...certainly not my undersatnding of LRT.
I dont see "ignore your spouse" wriiten about in the context of LRT in DB.

and if you haven't dealt with the issues that brought you to this point, haven't really considered how you could be better and made yourself such, LRT is just more same-old.

Well it's probably a bit to late by this time and will require more than change alone..More than likely they have reached this point after a number of years(maybe a little sooner in some cases) of being neglected or let down or "things not working" or whatever the issues happens to be. During an LRT or separation(in house or out of house) the changes required of you should be undertaken.

Sometimes the true "something different" is to actually talk to your spouse, and if you had done that even the week before you showed up here, or the week before the 'bomb', then you might not be here.

Well perhaps but the emotional divorce occurs before the words or "the bomb") are spoken.Talking is fine but getting on your spouses case as in "OR talk" usually is'nt.You can try but you need to be careful and ready to back off. Most talk about "us" under these circumstances is unwelcome the majority of the time.

Now, I don't mean begging and pleading. I mean talking. Sharing. Being friendly. Finding out likes and dislikes. Non judgemental. Non controlling. Just talk, as you would to a newly met aquaintance.

Yes provided they are receptive to this approach(and often they are if it is the first time you are actually listening to them,validating and honoring them as a person,with their OWN thoughts feelings and opinions. It must be genuine though,not a ploy.(they could still be mistrustful of your motives even if you are genuine). If it seen that way you run the risk of further damage.Be prepared to back off quick if it looks like fouling up,if you are not handling it well.(and most dont at first.)

Royce(MICK)

[ May 23, 2002, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: Mick ]

[Phoenix]

Something I like about Michele - once I figured out what she was talking about - was that it's not about feelings or thoughts or reasons or any of that. It's just - "if you want this, do that. Most of the time it works".

When I first came here, we were beyond LRT. What worked at that point was me shutting up and disengaging completely. It took a while before either of us could do much more than that.

So...like many here, I say read Michele's books periodically. If you've been growing, you will get something new out of them each time.

Hi Z - long time...no Z . I've Zeen you around and it seems you've been a busy guy....good good good!

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by Mick:

I don't know why, but it seems when you read the book you want to immediately leap to the LRT. Desparation I suppose. But in so many sitches, LRT is more of the same. LRT is the epitome of ignoring you spouse,

Is it?...certainly not my undersatnding of LRT.
I dont see "ignore your spouse" wriiten about in the context of LRT in DB.

I don’t see it either. Yeah. I think that it’s desperation. I think people think that they’ve already tried everything, so there’s nothing left but the Last resort. They’re looking for a silver bullet.

But, by definition, LRT is Last resort.

I like what people have been saying about First resort. In a nutshell, get your own head together first.

A relationship is between two people. You can’t fix the other, so start with yourself. Once you are “fixed”, you’re 50% done.

What about the other half? There’s nothing you can do about him/her. All you can do is patiently wait for the day when s/he is willing to work on his/her half of the R. If s/he is willing – or more accurately – becomes willing, then you’re on your way. If not, then you most certainly haven’t wasted your time by improving yourself.

MHO
Andy

[Jamesjohn]

A lot of "going dark" FYI stuff here.....

DB / DR 101 - Back To The Basics!

[sgctxok]

I think sometimes the problem is even with our LRT, we are 'playing' to them as an audience. Myself included.

[divination]

We all should keep these threads alive, it will stop the repetition of questions forpeople here.

[lostlove]

so confused. there is a whole lot on this thread it all makes sense yet it seems conflicting. I don't know what point I am at yet, or if I'm even in any postion to save the marriage or rather get it back, more likley get it started.
The one clear message in this thread is work on improving yourself for yourself. this I can do how to handle wah still trying to figure that out.
LL