I see my thread locked, so guess I'll start a new one. I don't seem to get much time to post anymore, but I don't know what I'd do with out the support and input of all of you here, and heaven knows how badly I need it, so, anyway, here's to more morphing.
Hi Pam! good morning to you! It's nice to hear from you! i'll try to get over to your place today. I do lurk on your thread (and several others) with out saying much, because I don't have much to add, but obviously I would be a better pal to say "hi", huh?
MollieW, Hopeful Scared, and Padawan, thank you all for your posts on my last thread. they are helpful, important reminders to me, and you are all so right. I know a big part of the work ahead of me now is to manage to somehow give H the benefit of the doubt. That is a HUGE challenge for me, because frankly I did just that before, time after time, and he was being deceitful and dishonest...it's really difficult to get over that...hard, hard work to do!
Quote: That is a HUGE challenge for me, because frankly I did just that before, time after time, and he was being deceitful and dishonest...it's really difficult to get over that...hard, hard work to do!
But in the big picture, if you want to chose to give it a try then you know you will be alright either way it works out.
I think that is the thing realizing it is a choice and it is your choice and having the knowledge that you will be ok either way it goes.
I was hurting the other day over my trusting D on some things and knowing he must have been lying to my face. But, it was my choice to trust him and try and it was his choice to lie and go away. That doesn't make my choice wrong, because it is how I want me to be. Does that make any sense or help at all?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I guess I'll post/journal about the weekend & up through today. Some different/interesting things happened, and I'm not quite sure what to think of them. I keep mulling them over in my mind, wondering if H is trying to tell me something, or if I'm reading to much into the "happenings" because of my "wishfulness". They are SO unusual though (at least one part) that I don't believe they can be coincidence. In fact they can't be coincedence, which means they have to have been purposful acts by H, which means he must be trying to tell me something he can't say???? geez, I can even get myself confused.
the last thing I posted about on my last thread was when I accused H of not going to annual meeting at work so he could be w/ow, he kept yelling at me that it was over, then he actually came to the kitchen and held and kissed me and apologized for being so angry, and comforted me when I said it was still a struggle for me....this in itself is a first, VERY new and unusual behavior on his part.
OK, backwards to last Thursday nite...H slept in just his "whitey tighties"...he usually wears a t-shirt and shorts. I like it when he sleeps with his shirt off so I can snuggle up to him. No big deal, I know, just nice. no sex that night, just some nice warm snuggles. I've told him often how nice it is when he does that Friday afternoon, H initiated ml.....it's nice to be home alone on Friday afternoons! Now here comes the really different part. On Friday evening, H worked out some, I was in the living room cleaning and rearranging when he came in from his workout and doing the chores. I had the big stereo going... H brought in his CD case, said "I want to see how some things sound on this one for just a minute before I go mow the yard"...then started to play his CD's ....some he seemed to just pick randomly. Then, he began to pick them out, saying "there's something here I want to listen to"...and go through to certain songs. (I'd dropped what I was doing and sat down to join him in listening)...ok, here's the "odd"????part....the songs he picked out were love songs. Really love songs. and I know he picked them on purpose, because we'd been listening to Dire Straits and talking about some of the intricacies of the music and lyrics in their songs. so I KNOW he knew exactly what the lyrics were. and he CHOSE these songs. The titles stuck in my mind like neon signs, so H sure sent a message. I guess my hope is it was an intentional one. Actually they are some of my favorite songs, and the lyrics REALLY stood out to me, I think they had to to H...they were "Stand By Me" by John Lennon, and "Woman" by John Lennon, as I recall he played that one more than once, and "Miracles" by Jefferson Starship, and then the last one he put on was "Count on Me" by Jefferson Starship (yes, I know, we are terribly dated by this) That was the last one he played, and I was actually starting to get a little teary eyed. The dog started whining to go out when it came on, and I told it "just a minute"...then something else weird happened, H got up without a word and took the dog out. H NEVER takes the dog out. it was almost like he wanted me to hear that song. When they came back in I told him thanks and he said "I couldnt stand the whining"(???dog wasnt whining any more than he always does, and H doesnt take him out then!)...The words to that song seemed like such a message: Precious love I’ll give it to you Blue as the sky and deep in the Eyes of a love so true Beautiful face You make me feel Lite on the stairs and lost in the Air of a love so real
And you can count on me girl You can count on my love woman You can count on me baby You can count on my love to see you through
Emerald eyes and china perfume Caught in the wheel and lost in The feel of a love so soon Ruby lips You make my song Into the night and saved by the lite Of a love so strong See you thru You can count on me girl You can count on my love
I dunno, the words to "woman" stick in my mind also: Woman I can hardly express My mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness After all I'm forever in your debt And woman I will try to express My inner feelings and thankfulness For showing me the meaning of success
Woman I know you understand The little child inside of the man Please remember my life is in your hands And woman hold me close to your heart However distant don't keep us apart After all it is written in the stars
Woman please let me explain I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain So let me tell you again and again and again
I love you, yeah, yeah Now and forever I love you, yeah, yeah Now and forever I love you, yeah, yeah Now and forever I love you, yeah, yeah
I won't do the words to the others, I almost get teary eyed. H never did mow the lawn that evening. I mentioned several times how much I enjoyed the evening listening to music with him, and he said that he had too.
He took his shirt off again that night at bedtime, I told him how nice it was/is, and he said "that's why I'm doing it"
Saturday, he went to do his "paperwork" in the morning that always makes me nuts. When he came in the door, he came to me and gave me a nice, long, passionate kiss. Stopped, and then did it again. he did mow that day, got his rider going instead of pushing.
Sunday AM H initiated again, sometime in the afternoon, I gave him a passionate kiss in passing, told him "I love your kisses", and he said "I love your's too" and kissed me again.... He also commented sometime that afternoon about getting a Harley and a 'Vette! Gosh, sound familiar, as is MLC? it would take a huge miracle for us to afford either of those. However, I know better than to argue now, I just said, "sounds like fun, but if you go to Sturgis, I'm going too! and H said I'd be the oldest woman he ever knew that rode to Sturgis...I just laughed and told him I'd also be the most fun!...
Yesterday, Monday, S told me unsolicited that he had seen his Dad come from the direction of his office (not ow's house) when he came home on Saturday, and that he has seen this several times in the last 1 - 2 months (darn kids, you don't ask them stuff, so they dont tell ya). I'd quit paying any attention, but this is good news!
Also, last night H wrote out the phone bill, it is actually dropping at tiny bit back towards "normal". and in all fairness, I've been known to call D and talk for an hour, so that could be part of it.
Today was the hated staff meeting. H sat with his back to me, (I got there almost late), and ow was kind of in front and to the side. I think she was making obscene gestures to me, I did look right at her quite a bit. topic was sexual harrassement, the speaker was from the state agency that handles such complaints. he talked about consensual sexual relationships in the workplace, and that judges recognize that anger when a relationship ends can be underneath some of the complaints that are filed. speaker made the comment that some people were "doing that (having a sexual relationship with a coworker) who shouldnt be (just a general comment based on what his office handles). I couldnt help but think "yeah, duh, H, are you listening"...at the end of the meeting, I was almost first out the door, walking talking and joking with a male coworker who was commenting that staff meetings rank right up there with having bamboo shoots put under his toenails...H was out of his seat and out the door like a shot, actually came out the door immediately behind me and talked to me a little...where ow could see , god forbid. I noticed her leaving the building some time later, as I was going into the building where my office is she was crossing the street from where the meeting had been, almost as if she had hung back. I mean, she was only one table away, so she had to have hung back.
So, that's my novel. I can't help but believe that H selected those songs to try to tell me something. I could be reading too much into it, but I don't think so.
Lord knows how much I wish it was really and truly OVER between them and my H was truly back with me. MAYBE that is what he's trying to say in the only way he can.
Quote: . But, it was my choice to trust him and try and it was his choice to lie and go away. That doesn't make my choice wrong, because it is how I want me to be. Does that make any sense or help at all?
, god forbid. I noticed her leaving the building some time later, as I was going into the building where my office is she was crossing the street from where the meeting had been, almost as if she had hung back. I mean, she was only one table away, so she had to have hung back.