Hi all...Pam and TC and Dawn and Padawan and all of you for your support and {hugs} and prayers. It helped more than you all will ever know to know you were thinking of me. and I thought of that many times, I swear I could FEEL your prayers. I am so humbled by and grateful for your support.
Actually the surgery went quite well, what the Dr. thought was tumor(s) were actually some polyps. He drained those and the rest of my sinuses, and so hopefully these ugly chronic sinus infections and related headaches will be a thing of the past. I've been surprised, actually the pain post-op is less than what I've gotten used to with the headaches. I have been incredibly tired, though, which caught me off guard. I didnt expect this, I mean it was just a day surgery, for heavens sake, but the Dr. says it's from blood loss (sorry to be gross) and to be expected to last about 2 weeks and actually I'm doing fine.
Emotionally, I'm kinda weird, I'm sure it's related to being so tired, but some of it I'm sure comes from my sitch. Which, if I were able to be more objective about, I think is probably, maybe, actually doing some better.
last weekend was very stressful for H, he had to take D on a 2 hour drive to pick up a car the night before my surgery, and then the day of and day after were kinda draining for him. At points he felt kind of distant to me, probably partly because he was, and because I would have latched on tight given a chance.
I've been working hard to keep a grip on myself, not pushing or demanding of H, but warm and pleasant and inviting even though I've had some hugely anxious moments. I've chewed the end off of my tongue to avoid making any mention of ow, altough in my anxiety I've come so very very close to asking him if things were back "on" between them. What I see is that his distant times are terrifingly like the "just before the bomb" days, and they still have the power to elicit terror in me. Hard to deal with.
OK, so to explain some of these ramblings. The evening of my surgery, H left for about 2 1/2 hours to go to a co-workers going away party. I never saw any notice of this party or invitation to it, it would not be unusual for it to have been circulated just in their department, but that still raised my anxiety a notch. H did mention it several weeks before my surgery was even scheduled; when the surgery was scheduled, I told him I'd be fine, to go ahead and go......so, he did . I actually was fine, mostly asleep that whole day, and I could have dialed 911 had I needed. H came home about an hour earlier than I expected him, and wanted to know if I was ok, said he'd had his cell on but never got any calls. Maybe part of his distance was guilt, I don't know, but I havent thrown it up to him, I see it in part as an opportunity to out-GAL ow (she's the one who cant' mow her own yard, etc....). Of course, I agonized and had a hard time not saying anything, worrying about if ow was at the party. Weirdly, H wanted to ML that night. Worked for me, but just struck me as odd.
Saturday morning, H went to work (?) as always, made the comment that he wouldnt if it wasnt the end of the month ??????; however I do know there's a lot more paper work to be turned in then. I commented about him not wearing his ring (he hasnt worn it for 2 weeks now, which sets my anxiety level at about a fever pitch) and he said he couldnt because his finger is still swollen and sore, and he'd shown me that (true) and that the fact that he wasnt wearing it didnt mean there was anything going on or wrong between us (????????? maybe not but it sure did before????). I told him I could get it stretched, and he said then his finger would go down and it fit. I said I wasnt going to bug him about it, and havent said a word since. It has occured to me that h has gained a little weight in the last year (maybe that means the A is over/ending?) and his ring probably is tight. In fact he commented once in the last few months that he wanted to lose enough weight to have it fit again rather than having it stretched. So, maybe...but regardless, I have to let go of it. I cant control it, so why bother with it?
Sunday, I felt well enough to plant a few flowers in pots while H walked. It was nice to get some fresh air, and he always comes up and hugs me anymore when I'm out planting flowers. Have no clue what that's all about. Sunday night H initiated ML again....???...
Monday I stayed home from work, Monday evening H did invite me to walk with him, but I declined, because I just didnt feel strong enough to keep up with him for 3 miles. I did tell him thanks for the invite, and that i'm looking forward to going with him next week.
Tuesday I stayed home again, feeling really pooped. H seemed "distant" in some odd, intangible way, perhaps due to my own weirdness. I broke down and asked him as he was leaving if he was irritated at me for some reason, and he seemed surprised and asked why, I told him it just seemed that way...managed to not say anything about ow or my fears and anxieties. H said he was sorry, he wasnt irritated, he was just rushed and trying to focus on getting out the door.
I just read some of Sage's thread, and i had to laugh, because she identified what I think must be the same feelings and anxieties. It helps so much to know I'm not the only one with them.
I felt pretty down and anxious all day Tuesday, frankly I stewed and fretted (that's the day he's here w/ow)then about 6 pm I found a message on the answering machine that made me cry...he had called about 5:30, evidently I was out feeding critters or sticking flowers in their pots. I have the message memorized, although it wasnt all that big a deal to the "untrained ear". H simply said "Hi, it's just me, I was just calling to see how you are doing today Deb. I'm waiting for my client to get here and thought I could talk for a minute if I caught you. well, I guess I'll see you later tonight" (he gets home about 9 on Tuesdays) I actually leaned against the door frame and cried and thanked God when I got that message. For some reason it meant/means so much to me. When h got home, I told him thanks for the message and that I was really sorry I'd missed his call...he said "you should have answered". I still don't know what that meant????
Sometime Tuesday evening after he got home, and/or Wednesday morning, he started complaining about the medical staff here at work...why do we even have them if they can't do such and such and help us, and do you know what happened to (another clinical staff member) because of what they didnt do...just real irritated towards the med staff. It was interesting to me that the staff member he was standing up for is a young single mom that he's accused of "whoring around" on weekends. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what he's heard of her activities (at least she's SINGLE!) has to have come from ow...so it struck me as interesting that now he's taking this other gal's side.
Last night I took S to religion class, and H had to work later. I left him a note to not erase his answering maching message. I actually plan to tape it, his voice is just so sweet in it. It's a real keepsake to me. now is that adolescent or what? We were both really pooped last night, but a bedtime H surprised me by intiating ML again, and he was very enthusiastic. I am still confused by why he seems to want sex so often. However, that's one flow I can go with, so i don't worry about it much, just ponder sometimes. He held me very sweetly and tenderly afterwards, which still strikes me as being night and day different from how he used to be.
Today is our 26th wedding anniversary. I'm just kinda blown away by that, for MANY reasons. I hadnt heard from him this morning and was feeling kinda down, then about 11 I got this email:
Quote: Hey you, I’ve only a second as my client’s out in the lobby. Man, one after the other again. I just wanted to wish you a happy anniversary. Thanks for 26 years!! Love you D--
It's only a few words but it meant so much, I got kinda teary eyed. It truely seems miraculous that we've ever gotten to this point, especially given the last 2 years. but maybe they needed to happen for us to be able to get here.
I've had several other "chatty" emails from him today. We will go out to eat to celebrate our A and Mday this weekend, with S12 in tow I imagine, but that's ok. Probably doesnt seem like much of a celebration to a lot of folks, but it feels pretty much like an almost-victory dinner to me.
So, here's volumn XIIIVII of my saga. guess I'll stop, although I have a little more to post.
I dunno, any suggestions for what to do next on my part????
WHY is he so into sex these days? I can only hope for good reasons!
Do you all think the phone message and todays email are good signs, or am I reading too much into them????? I want so much to be able to believe that the teeny tiny baby steps are about to turn into giant (well, at least big) strides.
Quote: I have been incredibly tired, though, which caught me off guard. I didnt expect this, I mean it was just a day surgery, for heavens sake, but the Dr. says it's from blood loss (sorry to be gross) and to be expected to last about 2 weeks and actually I'm doing fine.
Try taking a good multivitamin (1 a day) an extra iron pill (2-3 times a day) and an extra B complex (like a "B50" or "B100") once a day for the next 2 - 4 weeks - that will help speed up the process of your body replacing those lost red blood cells (note- make sure to stop the extra iron after a month - too much is not good).
Thanks Ellie, I will do that. I guess I knew blood loss could make a person pooped, but didnt realize how pooped and didn't really understand how much bleeding there is with sinus surgery.
I have to say, it is not on my "things to do again" list!
so, I'm wondering if anybody's out there right now? I'm wondering if anybody sees anything in H's responses lately. I guess my biggest fear is that I'm just being strung along for whatever reason. However, he DIDN'T have to call Tuesday, and He certainly didnt have to send the happy anniversary email today. I just had an interesting thought. I'm pretty darn sure he didnt do it last year, I'd have to look back, maybe he did, but I don't recall it and, many things I do recall, such as his valentines day email...which was certainly a guilt one if there ever was one.
Soooo I'm here, here to tell you stop running down cheeseless tunnels!!!!!!!!!!
You are a strong, capable, attractive woman with lots to offer and if his turn around isn't genuine you will be fine. Although my gut says this guy is trying. What does YOUR gut say? You know him better than any of us do or could.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I know it's a cheeseless tunnel, but I'm just having such a hard hard time. I wonder if I will ever get past all--or even any of this. It is encouraging to know your gut tells you he's trying. My gut says the same thing, at least initially, but then doubts creep in because frankly, I no longer trust my gut. I would have never in million years believed he would have an A, and NEVER take up w/someone like ow. So, the jist of it is, when I think I am seeing positives, I begin to doubt them because it was such a huge huge shock. I mean, frankly I've never thought I was the naive type....I can usually smell a rat a mile away, and have always kind of had an "instinct"....creeped out feeling, I guess, regarding rats. I never saw this coming with H, and that is what makes it so darn hard to get through. So, i guess the answer is I THINK he is trying, actually he is better in most ways as far as attentiveness, consideration, etc., than he has been for YEARS, probably since S was a baby.
And, my perceptions may very well be skewed right now because of being so down and tired because of surgery...I know that I do become very emotional when I'm tired, when I don't feel well, or when I'm PMSing...I think all three are in effect right now.
I'm almost a mess today, not quite, but hanging on by a thread. Well, a string maybe. I'm thinking how much I need to renew my GAL focus...and keep moving on. of course that probably partly has to do with the fact that right now my house is a mess, I can't work out for another week, and everything seems overwhelming. Add in the uncertainty I feel w/H, and yep, it's definitely a string I'm clutching.
I am kind of worried, taken aback, I guess. not sure if I should be. I didnt even get an anniversary card from H. Maybe he intended his email to take the place of one, but I've always gotten a card.?????????? I havent said a word, don't intend to, but still..........maybe it's still testing behavior...????
He seems warm and friendly enough, however he is suggesting we should go out next weekend for dinner rather than this weekend, because (he says) I'm not really feeling "up to par". I hope that's really it from his point of view. I just said "we could do that".
I try to reassure my self with his warmth and friendliness, but that doesnt even work, because even though when the A was new and hot and heavy he was usually distant and disdainful and hateful, there were times, when it was just starting I believe, when he was so "thoughtful", encouraging me to take care of myself. I recall a couple of times saying I was tired and he would say "You should just go ahead and rest as long as you need/want to". at the time I thought that was so nice, because he was always impatient with stuff like that before. Then I came to realize that there were in fact 2 reasons for his concern: 1), his guilt; and 2)if I was sacked out, I didnt know he was sneaking off w/ow and or on the phone all hours of the day/night. Sheesh.
Plus, it probably doesnt help that the w----s bday is 5/21, and of course H is signed up for a workshop on 5/20....That is S's last day of school, he's out at noon, maybe we will go somewhere to celebrate the end of school and not come back on Friday night.
It probably doesnt help that I got drive to work almost beside her. she pulled out in front of me on the way in, switched lanes with no turn signal several times, I finally just passed her and pulled over in front a couple of cars ahead. I pulled into the parking lot here 2 cars ahead of her and went to my "regular" spot which she delights in taking. She whipped around the corner past me, nearly ran over the accountant, went the wrong way down the parking lot at then backed into a place at the very end. I don't know if she was wound up or just her usual off the wall self, but I just shook my head at the accountant as he walked by, calmly got out of my vehicle and came into my office, so I was gone before she ever even came by where I was parked.
It's just this feeling of being in Limbo that is so hard, I guess. Things ARE better w/H and I, I don't think he can fake it that well, I just wish I could ever know that it (the A) truly is over, and it doesnt look like they're going to fire ow's butt here, so I will get to look forward to seeing her daily for a long, long time.
Hi again Pam, looks like we were posting at the same time. Yeah, you're right, I need to just drop it and "chill"...I gotta go to S's track and field day this afternoon, so that will help keep my mind off it. I think I'm only going to go for a couple of hours, I just don't feel up to much longer than that.
That brings to mind, S's perception is that things are much much better all around in our family...he has commented that "I never saw Dad back then"....meaning a couple of years ago. and when I ask if it's better now, he says "Oh yeah". IMHO, H still doesnt spend enough time w/S, but I guess "better" is "good"....
. I actually was fine, mostly asleep that whole day, and I could have dialed 911 had I needed. H came home about an hour earlier than I expected him, and wanted to know if I was ok, said he'd had his cell on but never got any calls. Maybe part of his distance was guilt, I don't know, but I havent thrown it up to him, I see it in part as an opportunity to out-GAL ow (she's the one who cant' mow her own yard, etc....). Of course, I agonized and had a hard time not saying anything, worrying about if ow was at the party. Weirdly, H wanted to ML that night. Worked for me, but just struck me as odd. 
Although my gut says this guy is trying. 
What does YOUR gut say? You know him better than any of us do or could. 