Thanks Pam, I know you are absolutely right...sitting tight has actually never NOT paid off for me, exactly the opposite of "letting loose" , I must say.
I have to admit that the ability to "sit tight" is not one of my more developed skills. You never would have guessed that, huh?
ah, you know, the thought just popped into my head of an example of when "sitting tight" really paid off, and I was so glad I did, it happened pretty recently and I was so glad I did. I meant to post about it here, but don't believe I did.
For maybe the last year, I have been secretly steamed because I was not able to find a shelf I bought for S's room, it was out in the garage still in a box...I looked and looked and became convinced H gave it to ow...I was really po'd about it...but I NEVER SAID A WORD in all this time, although periodically I'd look for it and get steamed all over again. Well, about a month ago, I found it, moved to a different corner of the garage and under some garden stuff. I have no clue how it got THERE of all places, but from the amount of dust on the unopened box, I'm sure it has been there for a long long time.
Same thing with a tie-out cable for our big dog...we had it for when we took him on vacation with us...it disappeared, I couldnt find it no matter how hard I looked. I was convinced H gave THAT to ow because he talked at one point about what brats her dogs were and how much trouble they caused. Never said a word about that either, and it showed up about the same time as the shelf, in an out of the way spot in the storage barn.
I could have really made things BAD with accusations and anger and fit throwings. H would have been so furious, I would not have believed him no matter WHAT he said (unless of course he "confessed"), we would have both become angry and resentful towards the other, and it would have given him a good strong shove back towards ow. THANK YOU LORD FOR HELPING ME KEEP MY LIP ZIPPED with those!!!!
Deb, your story reminds me of a story author Byron Katie tells on herself. One day she was walking in the desert (she lives out West), and saw a rattlesnake out of the corner of her eye. She froze and closed her eyes. She began to panic, thinking, "I am going to get bitten by that snake! I'm going to get bitten, and die out here in the desert all alone! I am going to die and no one knows I'm out here! They'll find a pile of bones months from now!" She was sweating, her stomach was upset and her head was spinning. She cautiously opened one eye to see the vile snake before it killed her.
It was a rope.
No snake. Just a piece of rope.
She got all wound up about a rope. Proving that we can see a snake and feel life-threatened, or we can see a rope and keep walking.
It's all a matter of perception.
You are doing great. Cut yourself some slack! You've had surgery, it's your anniversary, you have PMS -- but you have your H living in your house, ML with you. I'd switch with you!
Hi Michelle, thanks for the inspiration. I needed to hear that story. Plus, I could probably use a 2X4 every so often if you have one handy! I guess I get to whining around and feeling sorry for myself because that is where my impatience leads me. ick, not a good place to be.
hi Pam! It is a beautiful day, isnt it? it's absolutely gorgeous here...a little breezy, but then it's not called Kansas for nothing (trivia note: the name means "people of the south wind")
I'm feeling much better, still a little bit tired, but not wiped out like i was last week. I had a Drs appt this am, and things are going fine. I am however getting quite ready to do away with people sticking things up my nose !
that said, I sure feel like a whiny whimp. I was reading someone's thread a few minutes ago, I don't even remember whose it was at the moment, who just had a kidney transplant, plus has a sick grandbaby. Boy, what a wimp I am in comparison to dealing with all that.
I'm not sure where things are right now with my sitch. It may be that they are doing quite well and as in the story of the Snake that Michelle shared, I'm not able to see it.
I didnt get home from work until about 1pm on Friday, hardly had a minute to grab a bite of lunch with H and was late getting S's track day. When I got home though, H had an anniversary card waiting for me, and commented that he'd gotten me a mothers day card as well. He said he had rushed around in the morning and "waited and waited" for me?????I was only an hour late! anyway, it was disappointing to not have our "down time". I missed it, and I think maybe H did as well, I noticed he mentioned a couple of times how long he'd waited for me to come home that morning.
The anniversayr card he gave me was sweet. It wasn't real romantic, but H never has been. It had a teddy bear couple, with the H saying things he can't find, but that he had found perfection with the perfect wife. H wrote "It's so true! with love...", exclamation point included. I was touched, I have to believe he meant it, because he didnt have to sign it that way. I think it was 2 years ago he gave me a card signed with ONLY his name, no "love" or anything.
We had talked about/planned to go out to eat to celebrate our Ann. this weekend, h suggested going next week instead, I'm not sure why, but was still pooped so said ok.
I told him when he gave me the card that I really wished I could be the "perfect wife" for him...he asked "what makes you think you arent"...I told him I thought the perfect wife was more the Doris Day type than I am, always cheerful and perky and slim and smiling ( I almost said Donna Reed, stopped myself because that's ow's name!) I thought all day after that about Doris, Donna, Debbie (Reynolds) and June (Cleaver)...yikes. enough of that.
Anyway, when I mentioned Doris Day, H said, "well, she's dead"....I told him I wasnt sure...and he chuckled and said it made him think of a bumper sticker he'd seen. I asked him which one, and it was one that said "If you want a woman that doesnt gripe, go rob a grave"...kinda gross, but a interesting point. I got the impression that H's point was that it was ok for me not to be perfect. I have to say I'm glad I didnt say anything about the card the day before.
Yesterday, he had "performance problems" in the morning, and that makes him so upset and frustrated. I'm not sure what is going on to cause that. They did clear up, though.
H gave me the card he got for mothers day, it was actually one addressed to a mom and not a wife, but he pointed out that he got it because it had this adorable puppy sitting in a bucket on the front, and was saying "thankyou for all the loving things you do"...so I took that as good. He said he hadnt gotten a gift because he didnt know what I wanted and I'd have to let him know...
This morning he brought my coffee to me and woke me up (he thinks ), and sounded very much like he had been crying....I have thought and thought about that today, it was the sound of his voice and he was very "sniffely" and choked up. I got the impression also that he didnt want me to see his face. As he went from our room to the bathroom, I asked if he was ok, and asked why...I said he sounded "stuffed up" and he replied it was his allergies. I noticed that they cleared up with in a few minutes, which is unusual for his allergy attacks. Of course, my guess is that he had been on his usual early morning phone convo. w/ow and was crying about something related to that.
He actually inspected his swollen finger before he left as though he was going to put his ring back on...frankly I've said a prayer or two for that, I don't know why it's so important, it truly should be insignificant, but for some reason it is important to me. He commented that he thought it was getting better, and actually came to me and showed it to me. He does have a kind of scarred place there, says he thinks he must have burned it.
I noticed also that he was sneaking an LL Bean womens wear catalog out of the house this morning. Don't know what that's about. Maybe he's going to get me a new pair of hiking boots for our anniversary????? Always the romantic, he. I just hope he's not ordering something for ow; I guess time will tell.
I said he "thought" he woke me up with coffee, because when he got up, I spent time praying and reading a book of prayers. This is one of my personal goals, to have a time to do this on a daily basis. I had turned the light back off and almost dozed off again when he came in. How ironic, I'm upstairs praying for Gods guidance and strength, while he's most likely in the basement on the phone w/ow. ah, well. I did feel a sense of peace come over me though, I always take that as a sign of God's presence.
H is talking about wanting to look at a job at a counseling center 2.5 hours from here. I don't know what that means, just 2 weeks ago he was telling me how he likes our house...maybe ow is pressuring him, I don't know. Maybe the A truly is over, as he said 2 weeks ago. Of course, I've heard this many, many times over the last year, I just try to be validating.
And now you know the rest of the story...I only hope you arent sorry you asked how I was, Pam!
I'm going to really focus on my GAL goals, and refine my R/M goals. I need to be looking more at them I think.
So glad to hear that your surgery went well. I really hope that this lessens the pain for you in the future. I am sorry that I have been away...first out of town and then so involved with yard work, etc that I haven't had a chance to get on line until today. I thought of you often this past week and was hoping for the best for you!
I think that I have caught up on things with you. All things sound good and positive. Sounds like things are moving forward and your h is settling back into family life. Personally, IMHO, YOU are the one who needs to do some catching up here! LOL
Obviously trust is a huge issue for you. But I think that you need to stop and ask yourself why it is soooo huge right now. Is it because you are afraid of being duped again? From your previous posts it seems like you were pretty hard on yourself for not seeing all the "signs". As you said, you were not a person who was easily fooled. And maybe you are trying to hard not to be fooled again. ??
Deb, you have to remember that you and H were in a committed relationship for quite a number of years, why, why, why would you ever have needed to be on guard? Why would you ever have wanted to find dirt on him? That is not something a committed person would do on a day to day basis. Sure we all look back at our situations and say, "jeesh, I should have known". Well, my feeling is that, "jeesh, you should not have known because you should have expected some level of trust in a long-term relationship. Anyway, I think it's time that you stop blaming yourself for not being "the all knowing, all seeing Deb" and forgive yourself.
You are not responsible for your h's actions. Again, IMHO, that is a burden your H has to bear, not you. I think that the sooner that you forgive yourself, the sooner you can forgive your h and he forgive himself.
And, looking forward, if he does it again are you responsible? NO! He is. Allow him that, Deb. Do not take that burden on again.
Ever see that movie "Bob" with Bill Murray? His doctor gives him a prescription with the words "take a vacation from your problems" written on it. I think, hon, this is exactly what you need!
Have some FUN!
I check in again real soon! Take care.
Dawn
p.s. Forgot to add....Remember to always ask for what you need and be clear about it. These men can not read our minds. (I don't even think they want to! LOL) (Was thinking about this with reagards to him leaving the night of your surgery.)
Hi Dawn! so good to hear from you! and as always, you hit the nail on the head. Yes, trust is a huge issue for me, and yes, I have to say it's because I'm afraid of being duped again.
I was so totally blind-sided by all of this. I shouldnt have been, looking back I can see that H did try to tell me how unhappy he was. I just plain missed it, what I didnt miss I dismissed. And that is VERY frightening to me.
I guess I don't trust either H OR myself. and that's scary.
Scary scary scary. Something for me to ponder...thanks for making such an important point.
See I told you....real soon! LOL Just finished up some yard work and am taking a break before yet ANOTHER shower today....sigh.
Quote: I can see that H did try to tell me how unhappy he was.
Hmmmm....possible translation: H was trying to make YOU responsible for his personal happiness AND make you responsible for his consequential actions. We can not do either of these things for our spouses just as they can not do this for us. It creates a co-dependent atmosphere and hinders our GAL plans!
Be happy Deb. You are no longer walking a tight-rope. One mis-step is not going to destroy everything for you.
Again, I will point out that your h seems to be drawn to you when you are doing your own thing (not temperature-taking) ie, planting the flowers.
Hi Dawn...you made it back long before I did! If you get done with all your yard work, I have some you are welcome to do! LOL!
This is going to sound like a really stupid question, I know, but does it look/sound to you like I'm no longer on the tight rope????? I guess I ask because I'm no longer sure what to believe, and I'm afraid that if I let my guard down, I will slip back into my "old" self, and down we will go again. Plus, I can't see things objectively from the inside.
I thought a lot last night about your comments about trust being such an issue for me, and it obviously is, huge. I guess one thing that makes it so big is that I chose H in part because I thought he would never be the cheating kind. I had been through being cheated on by a guy I was engaged to, and NEVER wanted to go through that again. So, here I am, twice bitten, four times shy, I guess. And I don't know how to get past it.
I 've had a hard time last night and this morning over that dang ll bean womens clothing catalog. What if he is getting ow a gift from it? you see, her bday is 5/21, and H is going out of town to a workshop on 5/20. coincidence? I hope. Hard for me? oh yeah. big time.
I have no clue how to reassure myself, and it seems like since my surgery, H is kind of "backed off" after his sitting beside me and playing music, etc. I know better than to pursue, but it is still difficult.
I am feeling better this morning than I have in a long time, I think because I slept well last night for the 1st time in I don't know how long. not sure what made the difference, considering I was anxious about H last night already.
Sitting here waiting on some rain....it will give me an excuse not to work outside! LOL (You'd think I would have this gorgeous lawn/yard, now would't you? Think again!)
Quote: I know, but does it look/sound to you like I'm no longer on the tight rope?
I know this may sound like I am playing head-games with you and I apologize if I made you THINK that you were walking a tight rope because, honestly, I don't think you ever were. You created (like all of us here) the tight rope. I think that you had more power and control over this situation (namely yourself) than you ever thought you did.
As far as sliding back into your old self, well, I am sure that there are MANY qualities of that OLD self that your h much admired and was attracted to. I know that personally I find a woman who can install her own dishwasher extremely attractive! LOL (And I am a hetero!)
But if by OLD self you mean some of your bad habits and routines that could have caused your h to feel left out, well, Deb I think that you have learned that particular lessen the hard way. BUT (big but) I honestly do not think that you pushed him to the ow. I think that you THINK that, I think that h would like to blame you for it, but I do not think that it's your responsibility.
Your h has to own up to that and deal with it. He has to deal with the fact that you have forgiven him. I think that accepting forgiveness in the face of what he has done is probably the hardest thing he will ever do. It will at times make him bitter, angry, resentful and you will feel all of that from time to time.
It all goes back to patience, patience, patience. (yuck, yuck, yuck, IMHO) What other choices do we have other than divorce?
As for the catalog, who knows right now? But I guarantee you that you will know in time....credit card statements come every month! I guess you just have to ask yourself, "is it really worth it to torture myself until I find out?".
Quote: And I don't know how to get past it
Ahh, I wish I had the answer for this one. Trust is a big issue for me also. We become so bonded to our spouses that we look on them as extensions of ourselves. We feel that their behavior(s) reflect on us. And it becomes a issue of pride when they screw up.
Have you thought about taking these questions and doubts to a counselor? Can you explain again the pitfalls (in your particular situation) of going to a counselor? I know there are some issues there for you but I think that if you could work around them, a C may be helpful.
I hope some others here can also give some input on the whole trust/duped scenario.
, I must say. 
), and sounded very much like he had been crying....I have thought and thought about that today, it was the sound of his voice and he was very "sniffely" and choked up. I got the impression also that he didnt want me to see his face. As he went from our room to the bathroom, I asked if he was ok, and asked why...I said he sounded "stuffed up" and he replied it was his allergies. I noticed that they cleared up with in a few minutes, which is unusual for his allergy attacks. Of course, my guess is that he had been on his usual early morning phone convo. w/ow and was crying about something related to that.