gulp, the "what-ifs" are all over me this morning...fanned by the upcoming workshop & bd of ow and catalog H took to work and the email I just got from him asking me if I could get directions for him. plus the thought that he's probably having a great old time w/ow over in the other building.
This is what makes me feel like throwing in the towel...dealing with all this anxiety and uncertainty. Maybe it's not a snake. I have to keep telling myself that, I guess.
Hi Dawn, I think I sent my post in before I checked and found yours. You always help me feel calmer and get my head on straight(er)...when you are done in your yard, would you just come follow me around and smack me every so often???pretty please????
the patience thing....ugh...but you are right, I don't think there is any option but divorce. and lord knows, that wouldnt be any easier, I have a feeling it might even be more difficult.
I'm kinda going out on a limb here, but I never thought you gave me the impression of tight rope, but I sure felt myself like H did. What I think I hear you saying is that H was really never that intent on leaving, but let himself get caught up in a mid-life fling, and then needs his "misery" to justify it? HMMMMMM, I have to think on this. It's kind of foreign but an interesting concept. Actually it would kind of make sense, because certainly I've done many many things wrong, but I could never ever figure out what I did that was all that bad. From my perspective, I always TRIED to be a helpful, respectful partner and parent....were there times I felt hopeless and frustrated and took it out on him? yep. Did I ever shirk responsibilities??? well, maybe sex and housekeeping...some....but not always. Did I ever speak disrespectfully of him to others??? NEVER EVER. I always tried to honor him... So that would be the missing piece of the puzzle as to why he "needed" to do this, and obviously it WAS all about him in that case. hmmmmm, maybe part of ow's appeal was the "bad girl" aspect. ouch. that hurts, getting bit in the butt by one's own efforts to be a good partner.
thinking thinking thinking here.
As for the credit card statements, we each have and take care of our own, so I wont' see his. unless of of course I beat him to the mailbox, steam it open and then put it back...????? probably not worth it, but it does work.
the trust thing is a huge struggle. It would be hard for me to see a counselor here because in the smallish town we are in and the semi rural area surrounding, H literally knows and works with everybody in the business. I could pursue it. I could go out of town about 60 miles to find someone more un-acquainted. I may have to.
I'd really really be interested in what input anyone has on trust issues.
I've been thinking today also that my pride is still causing me problems. I find it very difficult to "act as if" when I come across ow due to the fact that always in the back of my mind is the nasty, pecking thought of "what if she's making a fool of me, here i am all cheerful and happy and she's still carrying on w/H, pulling him away with all of her crap????
That is a hard thing for me to face and deal with.
Had to laugh at the image of me following you around your yard and smacking you up-side the head! .....But if it's what you need....then sure, I'll do it. Send a plane!
I like that you are thinking more about things being your h's responsibility. He has to OWN it before he can come to terms with it. Can you improve as a partner? Sure! We all can. Continue working on yourself in terms of what makes Deb a better person not in terms of what will solve all her husband's problems. Lead by example.
You are right, I truly do not think that your h had any intention of leaving. I think he just wanted to spread his misery around for all to share! I think he knows what a great thing he has at home. I think he knows that you are a special person and that he could never, never find another like you.
Thanks for telling me about the C situation. I thought this was the case but wasn't sure. I do think that the 60 mile trip would be worth the trouble. Maybe just go every two weeks?
As far as the credit card, ugh, I have to be honest and tell you that if I did not get a pair of LL bean boots, steaming the damn thing is exactly what I would do! (lol...actually, I would open it right in front of him!) But still, that would not solve anything, would it? Could be a gift for his mom or a gift for you for later on. Better probably to wipe it out of your mind and stop looking at what he is carrying into the office!
Quote: "what if she's making a fool of me, here i am all cheerful and happy and she's still carrying on w/H, pulling him away with all of her crap????
You are cheerful and happy because that is how you choose to live. SHE has made a fool of herself. Anyone can see that.
Hi Dawn, I am feeling better, in large part thanks to you. I tell you what, If I could send a plane and have you come follow me around for as-needed whackings for a couple of weeks, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
i dunno, I guess a person has to reach a certain point before things start to sink in, but in thinking back on our R, I've always been puzzled at H's A...I mean, to this day, every once in a while I speak to some of his previous clients and they will say how he always spoke so highly of me. It always puzzled me and brought me to tears, because I could never figure what I did to change all that (ok, gaining a lot weight didnt help either of us, but still) and why he turned so cold and distant for a while. But in looking at it from this different perspective, and from what I've read about mlc being a time of "life review" and examination, then it makes sense. I have to lean towards thinking that's it, because it is the ONLY thing that makes any sense. I mean, we've had our share of challenges over 27 years and 2 kids, but considering what some people go through, we have had a pretty smooth ride. and H has to see that and know that as well, he sees even more of peoples difficulties than I do.
This helps me a lot to see the importance of GAL, even more so.
I also makes me really po'd, I mean REALLY, at the ow again. the trollup (or troll????) went after someone who was as caught up and lost in their personal angst as any woe begone teenager. what a b---h. It may be a cold day in hell before I ever stop looking down my nose at her at this rate.
anyway, I'm finding myself oddly becoming more and more focused on GAL...but still committed to being more "there" with H, and making our M a priority (I didnt put it as highly as I should have) I'm still thinking on my personal goals, but I am determined to move forward with more of them. I would love to get my weight down to where it should be and truely get into shape, to ride a bike to work some and go bike camping with S (and H if he would ) to hike more in the mountains this summer (we don't go till mid august this year, so if I get moving, I can probably make progress), to screen in the back porch (H can help if he wants, if not, I'll do it myself, said the little red hen) and about 50 jillion other things. In fact, I just saw an ad in the paper where they are selling family memberships for a recreational park near here where we used to canoe and camp w/D when she was little. Then it kind of went to the dogs, then was bought by a group home for troubled youths, now I guess has been bought again. It would be so cool, it has campsites and a lake and pool and club house and golfing and tennis courts. If I got my own membership, S and I could ride our bikes to there with tents (it's only about 5 miles from our house) and we could do parties there for S and every thing. I just gotta scrape up a couple hundred bucks to join...and of course H could come or not, but we would have a great time. hmmmmmmmm
I feel better today physically than I have for a long time. I am almost afraid to hope that this could be something permanent, but boy do I wish. It's probably partly due to sleeping well last night for one of the 1st times in a long time...no sex, but the sleep was good !
oh, about steaming open the envelope with the credit card statement. It works. I did it not to long ago, I cant remember what I was fired up about, but I'd seen it on I Love Lucy as a kid (yes, sigh, a jillion years ago) and recalled it in a moment of stress, and by golly! Lucy was right!
I'll do it on one condition....I get to smack your h a few times too! Oh what fun!
So glad that you are feeling better. If I did something to help you on your way, then that makes me even happier!
I blamed myself in the beginning too. I took everything on my shoulders. When I got past the panic mode and started to think about it, I realized how self-centered that really was. I mean, did I truly think that I had the power to initiate my h's crisis? Wasn't he his own person with his own thoughts and feelings? He did have a life before me? Sure, it was a short 17 years but a lot can happen during that time.
All that considered, I felt relieved not being responsible for his actions but at the same time it makes me thankful that this happened. It caused me to really look at myself and start to make some changes in ME....things that I always wanted to work on to make ME a whole person outside my M.
I still have a long way to go and I still catch myself being co-dependent. But I am determined to make my 40's a hell of a lot better than my 30's!
Quote: went after someone who was as caught up and lost in their personal angst as any woe begone teenager. what a b---h.
That says it all for many people on this bb. It really tells you what kind of person this is...parasitic B#tch!
Stay strong Deb!
Thanks for the tip on steaming! I WILL use it if I want to! LOL (I have always opened all mail no matter who's name is on it....never even thought that I was stepping on toes here...will have to think about that one.)
I really do like your GAL plans, especially about the bikes and your s. It will keep you off the rural roads! I am glad that you see the importance of being an individual in your marriage and how GAl can help you do that. Have fun with it!
Dawn (Happy to hear that you are feeling better physically too....always helps!)
Hi Dawn!!!! Actually, you can smack H several times!!!!!!
S and I drove out at looked at the little recreational park last night, S was excited. I didnt realize the poor child has never been there. It would be a fun place to take him some this summer, and it is exactly 5 miles from our house, actually on the same road that we live on, I was thinking it was on a different one, but it isnt. I havent broached the Subject of getting a membership with H yet (timing is everything, as I've learned here!!!!) but i will
this morning I was talking about biking, and H mentioned that it isnt good for men...I did read something about that in the paper, but sheesh....I didnt say much, just agreed that I had heard/read some info to that effect. Talk about being hit by middle-age though, not so long ago H was absolutely convinced he was indestructible. All of him, if you get my gist. I wish he would go biking w/S and I but then we havent even started yet, so again, timing, timing, timing.
Also this morning h was asking if I could get directions to the location of his workshop next friday, I told him I could, but I thought he should just stay home with me...he said he couldnt because he needs the hours. Then...H said "I guess you could come with me,the only problem is having to get up and on the road at the crack of dawn". I thought for a minute, told him that wasnt a problem, it being S's last day of school and he gets out of noon makes it a problem. H agreed...I've been debating about trying to find a place for S to stay that after noon, and going with him. it did my heart good, however, that H even mentioned the possibility of me going. surely he wouldn't have done that if ow were going....he commented last week that he thought he was going to have to drive early in the morning and not stay overnight...I would have been incredibly upset if he were gone overnight.
Hi Pam, yeah, things are ok right now. I'm still surprised at how anxious I get, and it really doesnt take a lot at all to set me off. but today, so far so good.
H commented about having a little down time after S's class tonight, I always feel cheered up when he mentions that he is looking forward to things like that (which he did). It helps a lot, especially when I recall how terribly distant we were 2 years ago.
oh yeah, I forgot to mention earlier, I thought H looked like he'd been crying again this morning when he brought my coffee. I even slipped up in my grogginess and asked "are you ok?" he said "yeah, why?...and I don't have a clue what i said. I AM sure i didnt mention ow though
Tonite is S's last religion class for the summer, I can't say I'll miss that opportunity to see ow.
A late night post for me. I am putting off my treadmill to stop in and say hi. LOL, you're worth it!
I like hearing your positive attitude! I was really happy to hear your h invite you to the out-of-town thing. (And I won't even say "I told you so" or anything like that!)
Hope you and yours have a great weekend.
If you have a chance stop by Oh_So_Blue's thread. I think that she could use some input from you.
I'll try to stop by OH So Blues thread, but today I'm not sure I have a darn thing to offer anyone. I am having a tough tough time and ready to throw in the towel again. I am so po'd, disgusted, discouraged, everything else. my goal has been to not say one word about ow until June, and to "give it all I've got" until then, at which time I would reevaluate my sitch, and decide if what to say to H. yesterday was a good day. what a difference 12 hours can make. I REALLY need some input/insight from outsiders here. I can't think straight.
I've always known that as long as H is hiding and paying the phone bills, he is still talking to her. I guess I know him pretty well. I came across the phone bill on his dresser this morning after he'd left for work. he always takes out the pages with the call logs. this time he missed the summary pages. In the period from 3/27 - 4/26, he made 58 phone calls to her from our HOME phone. for 1088 minutes. Spent 75.29 on the phone with that whore. On April 17, he spent 63 minutes on a phone call at 13:09....is that 1 am or 1 pm? This was 3 days before the annual meeting he skipped out of at the last minute. Gee, coincidence? I don't think so.
H also spent 103 minutes on his cell phone with her. I don't have the dates. I don't know what to do . I am so devastated. I think I'm just being strung along after being married to this guy for 26 years, and it hurts beyond belief.
I don't know why this should be so hard to deal with, as I said I"ve always known it's still going on as long as he's hiding phone bills that I've paid for the entire time of our marriage.
I don't know what to think or do. I can't even divide how many minutes that is per day phone call wise I'm so low and lost.
) to hike more in the mountains this summer (we don't go till mid august this year, so if I get moving, I can probably make progress), to screen in the back porch (H can help if he wants, if not, I'll do it myself, said the little red hen) and about 50 jillion other things. In fact, I just saw an ad in the paper where they are selling family memberships for a recreational park near here where we used to canoe and camp w/D when she was little. Then it kind of went to the dogs, then was bought by a group home for troubled youths, now I guess has been bought again. It would be so cool, it has campsites and a lake and pool and club house and golfing and tennis courts. If I got my own membership, S and I could ride our bikes to there with tents (it's only about 5 miles from our house) and we could do parties there for S and every thing. I just gotta scrape up a couple hundred bucks to join...and of course H could come or not, but we would have a great time. hmmmmmmmm
!
