I guess I want to send him an email because I can be somewhat less emotional, and I want to reiterate that I love him but I am not going to live with this for the rest of my life. I want to ask him what it means...that he is telling me it is over and still in such heavy contact with her.
If you feel a really strong need to write why don't you write it and delete it or write it and post it or write it and send it to me if you want.
I'm not trying to invalidate what you are feeling. I just know that I did a lot of things while emotional that later I wanted to take back. Trying to help you not make the same darn mistakes!!!
Are you going out for lunch? Sometimes a change of scenary helps throw the brain into a different gear.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am starting to write it, and I guess I'll post it here.
I am so sick of this. I ran home because I needed a book of checks and my meds that I forgot this morning. and I gave myself a huge push to being really pissed off. I knew I knew where H kept his love letters and emails. oh yeah. pulled out as many as I thought he wouldnt miss from the box hidden in the closet in the computer room, read just a few. the last one I've read so far is dated Dec. 20 and whe sent it to him at home. OUR computer!!!!! I figured that's what was going on. He cant wait for her to email him his christmas present. I think I'm going to puke. then I pulled a love letter out of a card, she's so sorry he had to take another beating for them the night before. I havent even read the rest. I am curious to know what the last date is. I pulled them off the top of the box hoping to get a clue.
why do I keep letting him put me through this???????????????
what is wrong with me that I am so weak and spineless that I put up with this?????
I REALLY think that you need to apply the 24 hour rule here. Say nothing until you have a chance to sort through your feelings. Please try, you can do this. DO as others have suggested and distract yourself until you can think clearly.
I know that you think that this turn of events puts you back to ground zero but it doesn't! All those positives that we have been seeing STILL really happened and are still happening.
Are you really ready to kick him out? Cause that's what it's going to take. You can not give him a choice, hell you have been giving him a choice for a year now and he hasn't made a move. So my point is, do NOT threaten unless you truly mean it.
I think for your sanity that there needs to be consequences to his actions but not right now. Give it 24 and then let's see where you are.
Quote: why do I keep letting him put me through this???????????????
what is wrong with me that I am so weak and spineless that I put up with this?????
ACTUALLY fighting for your marriage is much harder than walking away from it. So you aren't weak or spineless or have anything wrong with you!
YOU are endeavering to better yourself, hold the family together for your children and yourself and have the strength to battle through the emotions and situations you are encountering on your journey!!!!!!!!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
We cross-posted. I can't blame you for what you did but unfortunatley, you just made yourself more miserable by snooping. I have to tell you I would have done the same thing but I really can not advise you to keep doing it unless you WANT to work yourself up into such anger as to kick him out.
Breathe, relax, and calm. Please consider giving it 24 hours. You will have our support no matter what you decide but please do not act out of anger (and fear).
thanks Dawn, I'm pretty nutsed out right now. Frankly I'm at the point that i'm not sure I dont' want to kick him out. but money is a huge huge problem. If I had the funds, I don't know what I might do.
here's the email I typed but havent sent yet: yep, I got your message.
ILY Dan, I hope you know that. I am sorry for doing such a poor job of letting you know that in the past. I more than anything for us to be great together, but I have told you that as well.
That said I am having a really tough time this morning. I got a nice marketing phone call this morning offering us a great new service for our frequently called numbers...specifcally the one in lindsborg that so much time is spent on.
I mean it when I say that I love you enough to let you go. I do not want to be with you if you want to be with her. nor am I able to keep living with the knowledge that what you say to me doesnt seem to be what you feel--meaning that you say it's over and you want us and yet it goes on....and on.... I want so much to believe what you tell me that I walk around with blinders on. If you chose to be with her, I want you to go there. now. If you want us to be together, I am going to need to know from you sometime soon in certain terms that is what you want. I need to know that you are sincere and willing to invest in working on us. The choice is yours. always has been. I am really struggling right now, but I will be alright.
Now I find myself asking what is wrong with me that I am so weak that I put up with this.
you know, there are so many days that I want to call you at lunch just to hear your voice, but I don't because I know she calls then and I absolutely cant deal with the pain. I hesitate to write you notes and emails because I know she does. I am afraid to tell you my deepest thoughts because I know they get relayed to her and she turns them against me. I find myself asking what kind of a marriage that is anyway.
When was the last phone call on the log? April? Now it's what, May? How do you know he wasn't telling her he was committed to your M? How do you know he's not handling a hysterical ex-OW who's making him crazy? And, he can't talk with his wife about it because then she'll get upset.
Honey, we don't know what it's about, do we? So why not figure it's not about anything. Is he ML with you? Yes. Is he kind to you? Yes. Does he get emotional when you talk about ending the M? Yes. You can go on with this list -- I know you can. This is all good stuff. Appreciate it.
Don't make it into a snake. Make it into a rope. And calmly step over it.
it is a snake. the last phone call was 4/28...the one hour one was 4/17
I am going through the emails, and they make me want to puke. I am so hoping i might find a later one to give me some indication of hope, but nothing. the one on the 20th of December was 3 days before his damned out of town trip with her. which he then told was just friends when I found out about it the next day.
Good sound advice from Michele. I do not think you should send the email until you are CERTAIN of what you want AND what exactly you are dealing with. Meaning that your email would read something like this....
.....I have had enough. I am finished with the drama that you seem so intent on creating and maintaining. I will not be a part of it any longer. You will find your things on the front porch. Deb......
If he is innocent of any wrong-doing he will read your email as just "more of the same" from nagging Deb. If he is guilty, well, I think he will read it as the same, just another empty threat.
I think that everyone here is trying to tell you to take some time on this one.
Let me know what you think-
Dawn
Also, wanted to let you know that I think that your email is hear-felt and right on point just don't think that he will take it that way.
