H had performance problems again last night I don't know where that plays into all this. As much as I hate to say it --admit it, I guess, denial seems to be a happier place to live-- I can't help but wonder if its from guilt because he's started back up with the whore.
I'm not someone to give you advice. But I know from several of the threads that I followed that saved their marriages that the contact with OW's doesn't seem to end abrubtly. They start reconnecting with their spouse but still hold onto this other support they have found.
The only other thing I can say, during my time of trying to db I would get to points where I felt I couldn't think and then I usually did something that put me further from my goal. I would trade places with you for a chance to try again to save my marriage. But, I am going to be fine eventually and so will you!
Sending you a big hug and hoping you get some good advice soon.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Deb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hey, listen, try NOT to read into the performance problem thing...heck, that's temperature checking to the nth degree and it will drive you CRAZY!
As for the phone bill, I would say leave it for now if you can...you are rebuilding and while it stinks to high heaven that he's still calling her, you are making positive steps every darned day...I dunno...leave it for a bit? (Not necessarily saying forever...just for a bit).
Quote: As much as I hate to say it --admit it, I guess, denial seems to be a happier place to live--
Denial or "conscious forgetting" can be a happier place to live for a while..AND it can be key for both of you getting over the hurdles.
That being said, I expect to be in the minority here...I just think not doing something right now...and particularly not doing it when you're feeling emotional is a good idea.
Hang in there, kiddo. Don't lose sight of how many wonderful changes you've made IN you and FOR you and S (and h and M)!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I am a mess right now, and can't see much good of anything.
I guess the part that is so hard to deal with is I have told him over and over and over that I am not going to live with this forever. I mean it. I am serious as a heartbeat. I have told him that he is free to go, and in fact that he NEEDS to go and do it quickly if that is where he wants to be. he bawls and weeps and tells me is is over, all the while he is still on the phone with her constantly. several times each day as nearly as I can see. I am so confused, I don't know what is going on. Is he just using me, stringing me along?????why? because he's afraid? IF HE WANTS HER, WHY THE HELL DOESNT HE GET HIS BUTT DOWN THERE? IF HE WANTS OUR LIFE, WHY THE HELL DOESNT HE LET HER GO?
Quote: I am a mess right now, and can't see much good of anything.
OK, that's understandable but here's the thing...stop looking then, for good, bad or otherwise.
You don't have to ACT now, you don't have to decide, you don't have to do anything. You can choose to back away, do some regrouping, distract youreslf, whatever it takes to make your next move be from a position of calm and strength not reaction.
I KNOW it's easy for me to say but Deb, you have proven over and over of late that you can be in charge of your emotions and actions...you have done a TREMENDOUS (clap! clap! Hooray!) job of really getting a grip on it...don't lose it now. I'm not saying I know what the right next step is for you but I do know it doesn't have to come today.
Quote: I am so confused, I don't know what is going on. Is he just using me, stringing me along?????why? because he's afraid? IF HE WANTS HER, WHY THE HELL DOESNT HE GET HIS BUTT DOWN THERE? IF HE WANTS OUR LIFE, WHY THE HELL DOESNT HE LET HER GO?
Honestly, hon, I don't think this has a thing to do with YOU. This is all about him at the moment. So, let it be.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Believe me I'm sympathetic and you have to do what you feel is best for you.
I think he is trying but it will take him as long as it takes him. We each process and handle things differently.
Your choice is do you want to give him more time realizing that right now this is where he is at in his process?
Keep working on your GAL. Something Calystra always asked me and I never realized the full extent of it is, What would I be doing different if I were divorced? Well, I am getting more of a life but I'm not doing anything I couldn't have done when I was still married.
Obviously my detachment hasn't been great lately but it sure is a nice place when I'm there for a bit.
Just try to sit out the emotional storm before reaching a decision on any action or non action.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I am so tempted to send him an email...don't know what I'd say...I'm tempted to do a lot worse than send him an email.
Hi Deb,
Why do you want to send him an e-mail? Have you really examined what and why you are feeling what you are feeling this morning?
What are you telling yourself this morning, will your self talk help you feel better or simply inflame the emotions?
Will what you are feeling help you reach your ultimate goals?
I'm trying to get the logical side to take over from the emotional side of your brain! Unfortunately for me my emotional side gets a lot more exercise and is much stronger!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
