Deb - I would take more than a weekend, I'd take a week. Do it - do something for yourself. Book yourself something for the VERY near future (next week?) - somewhere where you can think, relax, etc. I find that good exercise helps alleviate stress in a major way.
Personally, I think you should kick him out. He has been playing you for a long time. Yes, he'd likely go to "the whore". But IMHO, the longer he is having BOTH of you, the longer that will take to play out. It is a risk - heck, it is ALL a risk. But perhaps by having to deal with her 24/7, he'd finally realize what a needy b*tch she is. He should finally choose ON HIW OWN not to be with her anymore. You could go for another year or two with him screwing around on the sly, and then he could leave anyway. I think you should be the strong one and let him know what you found, and kick his ass out the door.
How is that for an opinon? I just think life is too short to have to deal with this much longer. I do think you should take a trip - do something fun. If he can afford "the whore", then you can afford a vacation. I am very, very sorry that he is still doing this. And likely if he has phone cards, he is talking to her much more than you have found. That does not include anytime that she may be calling him, either.
Get pissed, Deb. Don't think anymore about what you can do FOR him. You aren't subserviant. Marriage is 50-50, and sometimes we have to pick up the slack for the other party. But you shouldn't be picking up all the slack, and that is what you are doing.
I don't agree with snooping most of the time - but I think its good that you did. It puts everything in perspective, and you know he has been lying. I think that you should tell him you know that he has been lying, and then tell him he needs to leave. When he is ready- IF he is ready - to come back home, he needs to earn it. He needs to earn YOU. Because you deserve a hell of a lot better than what he is doing to you.
I hope you understand that. You deserve MUCH better. Either from him, or from someone else. You have worked your ass off to fix this marriage, and I am sure you are still willing to do so if he changes. But this is about you now. I'd definitely see a lawyer, get that vacation under my belt, and start getting yourself a life that has nothing to do with him.
Want to be pissed? Think about the types of things he is telling her about YOU. Sharing stuff about you and he, and things that are NONE of her business.
Probably no one is here coz I'm usually not on the weekend. I need some thoughts fast. I let every thing ride Thursday nite, well not every thing, had a patient discuss, confronted H with the info, he swore it was over. ended in January, he could stand the fighting w/her. I asked more questions last night, a little this morning, He said this morning it ended end of march...first of April,
Kissed me before he left for "paperwork" and said he loved me and wanted to be with me.
I snooped. More. I knew where the fresh emails would be.....I know to damn much, what I try to discount as anxiety or something is based on stuff that some how I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Ok, so email from him to her on March 14 calling her his sweetness and how much he loves her....I have several more.all about her thannking him for all the time they've been spending together, and puke and puke and puke. the one I stopped at is dated MAY 5, one week ago, our 26th anniversary. when he didnt get me a card till the next day.
It reads like this: "I sure love you, and miss you even more. I want to thank you for all the time we've been spending together., itmakes me feel more assured in our love. Seems our love has only kept growing deeper over the years, we have weathered so much, and it only continues to grow. that is a testament to our deep feelings that we do hold for each other OH hey, have you finished that one book on "love and identifying what makes one feel loved"? I can't remember the name of it, but I would liek to read it. I just want us to continue to grow in our love, I feel we have a long and beuatiful future ahead of us. Your loving Donna"
Some one asked what I could tolerate. i am past that now. somehow I knew all along........man this sucks, I am so angry. But this is what I needed to help me make some decisions.
I'm at work because I cant stand to be in the computer room at home. I need to go home by around noon, and I've got to formulate my plan by then.
I'm thinking I'm going to ask him to repeat what he told me this morning.
Then I'm going to share the emails...I have copies, this time I swiped his stuff, made copies and then carefully replaced the originals. I have them in a folder at work, he nor she can get into my building. I may hide them here more carefully though. I tell him every so often I get packets of email messages mysteriously left in my mail box here at work...since I work in the building with the computer person and we go to the same gym, I think he believes it. the one I swiped from home, he claims not to remember --hah...when he asked me how I knew that, I told him to ask Ollie North, we only think things are deleted. anyway....
I'm thinking then I'm going to tell him he has ...2 weeks from today? one week? to decide what he wants to do. At the end of that time I need to know his decision. IF he should decide to stay with us, I need concrete evidence that it is over with her. If he does that and i then find out that he is back in any contact with her at all, that is it.
I've not given any ultimatums until now because I knew I couldnt make it stick, this time I'm ready. I'm not sleeping on this because I need to deal with it now. I don't know the next step though because I honestly don't have nickel to my name. I think we've probably even overdrawn the cking acct again.
I guess the next step is to get an ongoing appt w/the preist, and set-up a consult with an A, so that I have the info to roll the ball fast.
I knew the new emails would be in his brief case...which he leaves in our bedroom when he goes "to work"....my guess is he does this to tempt me so he can then acuse me of snooping.
guess it worked, but it was pretty damned dumb on his part, because I have enough black and white "goods" on him to blow him out of the water. hmmmmm, I wonder if I can get part of his retirment funds? he is convinced ks courts just split every thing down the middle, which is basically what the Att. I talked with way back when told me, but I believe ks may allow judges to consider extenuating circumstances.
Haven't you told him he had to make a decision before? I think you need to make a decision and stop waiting around for him to decide.
Keep the e-mails. Where I live is a no fault state but they consider fault when dividing assets. If infidelity is involved and you have substantial proof assets are divided 60/40 instead of 50/50
