"Going Dark" - 101

[rearly]

quote: If you insist on trying to force feed your partner "love and affection" when they are running then dont be surprised if they bring it all back up over you.(and get really antagonistic).

quote: The force-feeding of the love and affection usually will act as a repellent.

Start with cracking the door open a bit for rekindling a friendship first.

I think that this is where most great relationships both begin and end.

i was not force-feeding love and affection 2 my SO - as soon as i started DBing in fact i stopped pursuit as much as possible. the main difference is that i started 2 b more involved with my Ds giving them my time and patience and this is where i think i came unstuck bcos i think she saw this as me trying 2 replace her role or still pursuing her thro them. obviously i am trying 2 2nd guess her, either this or i was not dark in my own house

[Mick]

she saw this as me trying 2 replace her role or still pursuing her thro them. obviously i am trying 2 2nd guess her, either this or i was not dark in my own house

Yes and she may have also see it as an attempt to win her over......

or this often has the spouse who wants out of the marriage thinking along the lines that what you are doing "is all too little and all too late" at best and manpulative and an attempt to box them in at worst.

[Jamesjohn]

"or this often has the spouse who wants out of the marriage thinking along the lines that what you are doing "is all too little and all too late" at best and manpulative and an attempt to box them in at worst."

That is why I think it's soooo important to make the changes for you, and you alone. To improve the quality of your life.

Yes, we can do a lot of things to grab our partner's attention. To get their curiousity up to take a closer look at us.

Even though we tend to think otherwise, most of our partners aren't idiots. If you REALLY think they are, why on earth did you get together with them in the first place, and why do you really want them back? They'll be able to see through major "manipulations" in a hurry. After all, if that's what they think it really is to start with, they're looking at it under a microscope.

Keep your intentions honest.

Too little, too late? Maybe. This is where consistent "actions speak louder than words" come into play. After all, they may "only believe half of what they see, and none of what they hear", too!

[totallyconfused]

'Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.'

Would 'going dark' be suggested (for me) if/when you tell H to move out..ie separation for a while? I have previously always been in the mode of 'trying to fix everything'. Towards the end though (before I found out about his EA)...I pretty much tried to ignore all he did to keep my sanity. (He ALWAYS does what he wants to do, no matter what I might have to say about it..so I just stopped talking.) Throughout our 23 years of marriage I have gone to every extreme as far as my approach to my husband's current crisis..yes DBing too. (Amongst those crises, 3 affairs of one type or another....that I am AWARE of.) And with a track record like this...how can/will my H ever understand/realize what he has done/is doing?

I have allowed my H to continue living with us. (Otherwise financially it would be pretty rough for both of us.) He "promised" that any/all contact would be cut off with his 'friend'. I have discovered that this is not the case and again have been "thrown" into an emotional roller coaster. The second I began asking him..telling him that someone had told me that they seen him at a local restaurant with his blonde friend (we live in a small community)..he immediately went into the mode of " I have been around here..trying to make it work..and think I have been pretty happy. Now, why are you bringing this up? You will never let it go, will you?"

I sure would appreciate any/all thoughts on this.

My first infuriated thoughts would be that he needs to leave right now! Otherwise, I am just setting myself up all over again. I believe he feels as always..that he can do whatever he wants.

Glo

[rearly]

quote: Yes and she may have also see it as an attempt to win her over......

or this often has the spouse who wants out of the marriage thinking along the lines that what you are doing "is all too little and all too late" at best and manpulative and an attempt to box them in at worst.

mick u know i agree 100% with u on this

quote: That is why I think it's soooo important to make the changes for you, and you alone. To improve the quality of your life.

Yes, we can do a lot of things to grab our partner's attention. To get their curiousity up to take a closer look at us.

Even though we tend to think otherwise, most of our partners aren't idiots. If you REALLY think they are, why on earth did you get together with them in the first place, and why do you really want them back? They'll be able to see through major "manipulations" in a hurry. After all, if that's what they think it really is to start with, they're looking at it under a microscope.

Keep your intentions honest.

Too little, too late? Maybe. This is where consistent "actions speak louder than words" come into play. After all, they may "only believe half of what they see, and none of what they hear", too!

this is where my confusion is, i am remaining totally committed 2 the changes in me cos they r making me a better person "4 better or worse" however now i am looking 2 move out and give her space, i have not announced my intention to do so and it is gonna b very difficult 4 several reasons

• financial constraints
• 3-week stay away residential course
• new job role
• school summer holidays

[Jamesjohn]

BMW -

"Should I talk to him.."

Yes, but see below.

"and tell him that we both need to concentrate on what it is that we want?"

She says "We need to concentrate on this and that".

He thinks "Who the hell is she to tell me what I need to do?!"

I've found that what works best for me is, not a conversation, but a simple, non-threatening statement that doesn't have to have an immediate reply.

"I know that you have a lot on your mind right now because of your job. I just wanted to let you know that if you want to talk to me about it, I'd be more than happy to listen to you."

Then drop it, and let him take things from there. You've opened up a door, and given him an opportunity to peak through if he wishes. And you've done it without any pursuit, pressure, or OR talk stuff.

IMHO

[Beth Woods]

Thanks JJ. I'll give it a whirl and then go dark.

[Jamesjohn]

Your welcome BMW.

The difficult of working things this way is that you're not likely to get immediate results. For me, it took, and is taking, doing this on a consistent basis over a long period of time. It was very difficult to stay out of the OR stuff, but was essential for my success.

As always, what works for one person doesn't always work for another. I just try to throw out some different ideas of what has worked for me.

[Jamesjohn]

Maybe, sometimes, instead of going dark on a person, we just need to go dark on trying to "fix" the marriage?

[aplomado]

Good answer, JJ. After my telephone consult with Vernetta, who advised me to go dark, I wasn't all that sure what to do. I wasn't about to leave the home as that would look like abandonment of my children, which I would never do. Reading your posts, those of KentS and some others, I came to that conclusion: Go dark on trying to fix things. Just sit back, detach from the tempest and see what happens. So far, so good.

~aplomado