"Going Dark" - 101

[Jamesjohn]

Wardacres -

"Haven't heard a word from her...prior to DBing, I would email her and attempt to call her. She simply deleted my emails and won't answer the phone."

Around that point of time, what were your e-mails and conversations about? Let me guess, OR stuff, right?! Didn't work, did it? What was the lesson in this?

"How and when do I attempt contact?"

or

"How long should I stay dark?"

Statistics prove that a person should stay dark approximately 368,243 seconds for every year of marriage. Unless the second full moon of the month falls in that period of time, in which case you would have to add another 387 minutes.

But, that's just statistical data, which has nothing to do with any of our situations or the real world, right?!

I think a good rule of thumb for a person is when they can get rid of any whiney, judgemental, pitiful, sad, etc. behaviours, and can be a little more centered on their goals. When you can treat your partner as you would a friend. Until you get there, it's probably better to remain hidden.

Another rule of thumb is to wait until your partner makes contact with you. Although this is also good, sometimes the period of time becomes rather "extended". If you start running into 2, 3 or 6 months without having ANY contact, it might be time to take a closer look to see if what you're doing is really working, and, if not, do something different.

I tried to keep my "re-entry into light" pretty light, yet personal. A funny birthday card, like you would give to a friend. A funny birthday card from our dog. During an annual trade show of mine, I sent her a card of thanks and appreciation for all the support and understanding she had for me during the shows of the years past. She loves birds, so I occasionally sent her some info I found on the internet about them. A "Rocky Horror Picture Show" video. Some Lucille Ball commerative stamps, just 'cuz "She Loves Lucy"!

No I love you's, no I miss you's, or any other OR stuff. Just things that I knew she would appreciate, some things that no one else could know were special to her. Over a period of time, and with no expectations of any calls, of any thank you's. (It usually only took about a week before I would hear from her, and had pleasant conversations. NO OR!!!)

Some may think this borders on persuit, but I believe that someone needs to be the first one to reach their hand out eventually, to instigate some kind of contact, unless you want to spend the rest of your days in the dark.

Again, this may not be for everybody, but it's what worked for me.

JJ

[DJC]

Ok John I have a question.

My W says I wasn't affectionate enough in the relationship that I cared only about myself. Now going "dark" has worked in the past with her initiating contact but it seems I have to keep doing it as she pulls away. Go dark she comes, go light she pulls back. I want to try something different and although going dark works I am not sure it is the most effective too I could be using. Any ideas how I can be affectionate to W and not be pursuing?

DJC

[Jamesjohn]

DJC - To answer your question honestly.....

I dunno!

I'm still doing the "light / dark" dance for the past year. Sometimes for a day or two, sometimes just for a matter of minutes. However, it IS getting to be less as time goes on. Questions for you....

When you "go light", how bright are you getting? Is it something that may be seen as overwhelming to her, or do you turn it up just gradually? Is it all or nothing? Have you tried staggering your distancing, maybe added some mystery, or have you been an open book?

Do you know what ways your wife wants to be shown affection? Not what YOU would want, but what SHE wants? (This one's tough, because it varies from person to person) Have you ever taken a look at the 5 love languages book? If you have, where does she fall in?

What things do you do when you're together? What are some of her favorite things in life? Favorite colors or smells? Favorite foods? Favorite movies, especially light-hearted, and / or funny movies?

What are her strengths? Her weaknesses? Her most signicant accomplishments that she's proud of? What does she hope to yet accomplish? (And not just career stuff, but as a person.) What are some things you know about her that no one else might? (Try to focus on the good.)

What things could you do to help build up her self-esteem, and make her feel better about herself when she's with you?

What are the things that both you and she are doing when she begins distancing, and what could you do to throw something different into the mix?

Do you think I ask too many questions?

[Jamesjohn]

Here's something I found on another thread that I thought was quite appropriate now...

quote:Originally posted by einstein:

Here is something quoted from MF that may help:

quote:My years of neglect forced her to stop this huge flow of love that is her basic nature. She is angry cause she can no longer feel the only thing that was ever really important to her, feeling the flow of her love outward. It is completely damned up and stopped because of neglect. Seduce to find the smallest crack for this flow to start flowing again. But the seduction must be very subtle, quiet. It cannot appear as pursuit—compliments, praise, when we touch letting the touch linger a little to long, telling her how pretty she looks, what a great mom she is, etc—anything that reinforces and draws out this flow of love.

E.[/QB]

[tc33406]

^ just bumping this thread. I am "going dark and appreciate all the advice given here. Thx...TC

[DJC]

Hmmmm James those are tough questions. Here is what she wrote to me in a recent IM conversation:

quote:you stopped dressing up, going to the gym, cleaning, taking care of the animals, complimenting me, buying me flowers or cards, everything was different--you didnt have to do anything cuz i married you and you put in no time or effort into anyting except what you wanted

So I wonder are these the things she is looking for? I don't know. I sent her a little card but it got no response so I am confused.

DJC

[Mick]

My W says I wasn't affectionate enough in the relationship that I cared only about myself.

So was every cuddle read by you as a signal for sex?... were you the typical male?...grope first,I love you's and compliments etc later if she was lucky and you had'nt already fallen asleep..

Now going "dark" has worked in the past with her initiating contact but it seems I have to keep doing it as she pulls away.

Backing off is a lot like fishing,you cast you line and wait for a bite..well your wife is nibbling but she has'nt bitten down on the hook yet,meanwhile you are attempting to reel her in.Of course she slip away every time.

DJC the proper emotional attitude towards you is not existant in your wife to any large degree as yet.She is not committed to "making a go of it" as such and wont be until she is convinced it is in her best interest to be reeled in.That will take you convincing her of your changes..by showing her actions not words(although combined with actions your words carry wieght and will influence her)....


Go dark she comes, go light she pulls back. I want to try something different and although going dark works I am not sure it is the most effective too I could be using.

Well are you communicating effectievly?...are you listening to her...hearing what she wants...have you been dark long enough?
Have you mixed it up a bit?...have you run Hot and Cold on her?...give it some thought.I feel your to anxious to "run with it" the moment she draws a little nearer.You need to be a bit more aloof and nonchalont.

Any ideas how I can be affectionate to W and not be pursuing?

Well I could give you a thousand ideas but firstly is that what she wants right now?..
and if it is what kind of things mean affection to her....not to any one else but her?

Royce(MICK)

[Jamesjohn]

quote:
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you stopped dressing up, going to the gym, cleaning, taking care of the animals, complimenting me, buying me flowers or cards, everything was different--you didnt have to do anything cuz i married you and you put in no time or effort into anyting except what you wanted

Damn, my man, even if these aren't all the things she's looking for, she's given you a helluva great starting point!

A word of caution here. It's a natural tendency to go overboard in doing all these things she's talking about. What happens is we'll do ALL of these things for a couple of days, and expect big kudos for having changes our ways. When this praise doesn't happen, we throw our arms up and say "What the hell, I'm giving her everything she wants and it's not making a difference. I give up!"

Don't let that happen. Pick out one or two things to start with, and be consistent with them. It's going to take some time to undo any damage that's done done over a period of years. THEY are only going to believe half of what they see, and none of what they hear.

Maybe start with the dressing up around her a bit more first. This might grab her attention the soonest. If you try to do everything at once, this could definitely be seen as persuing, and off she'll go again.

[DJC]

I ahve done alot of these not out of desire but out of necessity. I have been going to the gym and dressing nice and she has really noticed these but is leery that I will fall back. All I can say is more time is needed.

DJC

[DJC]

Plus I have been trying to compliment her when I can but of course the flowers and card thing is probably not a good idea at this point.

DJC