Matt_L posted this over on shirley's thread, and I thought it belongs here, too!!!
Quoting Matt_L: Hi Shirley,
No contact can be better than contact depending on your timing.
DO NOT contact your SO when you need affirmation. This will show and will push him away. Also, it is more likely than not you will not get it, which will ruin your PMA.
DO NOT contact your SO when you are looking for signs of progress. This will come across to him as you being needy and will push him away. Again, it is also more likely than not you will not get what you are looking for.
DO NOT contact your SO when you are in a bad, sad, or crummy mood. This will usually result in a bad encounter, which will push him away.
DO contact your SO when you have something that needs to be addressed. However, don't make up things just as an excuse to contact him. When you do contact him, make sure you are mentally prepared with good PMA.
DO contact your SO when you are in a good mood. This will often shine through in the contact and will leave him with a good impression.
DO be the first to end contact with your SO.
DO read your SO's mood when you contact him. If after a few comments, the contact is not going well, end it. If Your SO volunteers information, listen and validate to show him good rapport.
EVERY contact with your SO should be an opportunity to win him back. Do not fall prey to your present emotional needs, which can result in contact that pushes him away. Keep your ultimate goal in mind. Use contact to draw him closer!
Hope that helped.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I've read a bit of this thread, but not all of it, but I want to put in my 2 cents. I've written this all before, but my threads have all been purged it seems, and those that still exist are buried so deep that I'm an unknown. But this is what I've learned...
Going dark is the most over-rated technique I've seen listed on the board at all. To me, it is the epitome of the LRT. If you are not ready to do a LRT, do not go dark!
To me, Michele has only one thing to say in all her books... "If what you are doing is not working, do something else. If what you do does work, do more of it!!!" If you are in an uncommunicative marriage, and you go dark, you are doing more of what doesn't work. Period.
I busted my divorce when I finally in an angry, frustrated outburst, proclaimed that I refused to live with the OM's girlfriend anymore. Up to that point, I "went dark" while she still lived at home. I let her do what she wanted. I didnt' protest her coming home at 2,3, 4, 5 am. I snooped in all her email, and I knew exactly -- in graphic detail --- what she was doing in the wee hours, but I remained silent. When I finally received a letter from her attorney telling me to hire my own and to "proceed with negotiations toward a divorce", I finally voiced all my opinions. Some time later, when I had had enough of her coming home at all hours, and I told her to move out, because I was finished with "living with OM's girlfriend", she responded that she never knew I felt that way, and agreed to stop seeing him, postponing the lawyer's action, and entering joint counceling. Wow.
Now, my sitch is my sitch. But, I learned real fast that I had been "going dark" all wrong. In fact, going dark almost killed my marriage, because W took it as lack of interest.
You must keep in touch with the situation. YOu must continue to press your intention. You must let your WS know that you care, that you are willing to make it work. You must not appear indifferent.
I still beleive that going dark is terribly over-rated, and that it is among the worst advice one can give. I truly believe it is the epitome of an LRT. Beware of this technique, and only use it when appropriate.
Quoting Michele: I really like this thread. It's very helpful and informative, especially to newcomers who are trying make sense out of all the expressions folks use around here.
I have stressed this many times on the board and I'm glad to see it stressed here again. Keeping a low profile works well when you've been pursuing and chasing, begging and crying. Going dark- pulling back and being scarce- represents novel behavior. Novelty shakes up the dice and increases the chances your spouse will react in new ways. However, as has been suggested, if you've been the sort of person who has taken a back seat throughout much of your marriage, going dark may seem like old hat.
The key to DBing, whether it's the last resort, going dark, acting as if, or just focusing on the exceptions, is to try something, notice the results and allow those results to guide your future actions. Modify your approach if your spouse responds in undesirable ways. Keep doing what seems to be working. This sort of mind set will get you a lot further than trying to think of what's right or wrong. If your marriage becomes more loving, it's right. IF you push your spouse away and what you want is a close relationship, it's wrong. THis makes life somewhat simpler.
Michele
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
My sitch: M 1.5 yrs, seperated after 9 mos. Back together after DB'ing for almost 4 months. I relapsed and let my low self esteem creep back and H ran again. He has been gone for 6 days, have not seen or spoken to him for 5 days. We were back together almost 6 months this last time. I realize most of our problems are over my issues of trust.
Last time I suggested we "date" so he could see I was trying to change. It worked out well and he did return. This time he wants nothing to do with me and says no matter what I do, it's over. My MIL totally supports his decision, which is a nail in my coffin, so to speak.
Do I even stand a chance by going dark? It is what I have decided because seeing him would hurt even more than the agony I feel now. Also, he promised he would never run again, so there goes more of my trust. I am wary and angry at him.
I am so torn...at one point I miss him so badly and want to see him but again, I don't think i'm ready, either. I want to have hope but I know it could turn out for the worst. I am not ready to do this again but what else do I have to do? I suppose I am reluctant because I always end up being hurt. I want this R and our M to work, but I am sceptical on his part.
Please advise...am I doing the right thing by being dark?
Quote: Hi JamesJohn, Couple of quick questions. Although, I understand the need to stop the chase. The problem when sharing the same bedroom makes it difficult. So far I am taking cold showers and sometimes sleeping on the couch. Also when the fears come bubbling up: change, abandomment, not being loved again, rejection, not being good enough, not being accepted, being alone, the big unknown. Looking for ideas to better handle these gremlins. I know that worrying doesn't help--but hard to stay on target at 4 AM. Appreciate any ideas. PKD
can jj answer this these are the same things i think about.
