It may help to try the thought-stopping technique. THink about other warm, pleasant things. If you're feeling hurt, while in the same bed, you probably send those signals. Try to feel the good things...........what you focus on expands.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Ok - I have read all all of this thread and it gave me alot of insight to my situation and about the LRT and going dark. My H left b/c I wasnt there emotionally and physically. I got the its too little to late speech. There is OW in picture right now. What do I do? By going dark I am showing him that same thing I did before. I feel like I am in a no-win situation right now.
PHM - Then don't go dark. What I've usually told people in your situation is...accept it may be too late and decide to go ahead and do your best anyway regardless of what response you get is for a while. Set a time (3 months? 6 months?) to sit back and decide how it's been working.
The hardest part (DB wise, not emotionally) - is the balance between sincerity and overplaying it. Remember a little goes a long way. But in your case...a little overplaying may not be a bad thing.
The key is, are you willing or able to actually make the change? Make it something he can count on or is it another temporary measure? Something he's sure he can wait out and find the old you behind?
Quote: I really like this thread. It's very helpful and informative, especially to newcomers who are trying make sense out of all the expressions folks use around here.
I have stressed this many times on the board and I'm glad to see it stressed here again. Keeping a low profile works well when you've been pursuing and chasing, begging and crying. Going dark- pulling back and being scarce- represents novel behavior. Novelty shakes up the dice and increases the chances your spouse will react in new ways. However, as has been suggested, if you've been the sort of person who has taken a back seat throughout much of your marriage, going dark may seem like old hat.
The key to DBing, whether it's the last resort, going dark, acting as if, or just focusing on the exceptions, is to try something, notice the results and allow those results to guide your future actions. Modify your approach if your spouse responds in undesirable ways. Keep doing what seems to be working. This sort of mind set will get you a lot further than trying to think of what's right or wrong. If your marriage becomes more loving, it's right. IF you push your spouse away and what you want is a close relationship, it's wrong. THis makes life somewhat simpler.
Thanks, JJ, for starting this thread. Michele
JJ
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I have a question We have been separated for almost 4 weeks. I realized I am the initiator, I call her on 2 nd day usually. She dropped the bomb , she had affair, she says she loves me, she says she never wants to loose me, she says I am still the most imprortant person for her blah blah now we are separated she doesnt call me... WHATS UP?? I dont pressure her anymore, I dont talk about R or M stuff
Should I just stop calling her to see if she calls?? I have not done this yet at all, I tried for 2 days and I called.
