Quote: jj u said you went dark and then your W found OM.
Yep, you're right. This first time I went dark and my wife found OM was pretty much during my "pre-DB'ing" days. I had no idea what going dark was, and was pretty much just waiting for my wife to change. I wasn't really looking at any of my contributions to the failure of the relationship, and wasn't doing much to make any changes on my part. Every time we had contact or got together, I was doing the same old things that I'd always done, which didn't work. She saw the same old guy in me, saw me dealing with things in the same old way, therefore, she had no reason to miss me, and no reason to think things could ever work out between us.
The second time I went dark, however, was a different story. It was just after I found out about the OM, and it was at a time when I REALLY started to pay heed to what I was learning here. In fact, it was at the time I was in my first KLA group here. During this period of darkness, I did something different. I really started to take a closer look at things that I could do to change the dynamics of the relationship, instead of counting on her to make the changes. I didn't really change "me" that much, just took the time to figure out what different things I could do to draw her back to me. Things that weren't the same old same old way of doing things that didn't work.
I took charge of changing the dynamics of the relationship, she noticed the difference, and she started to make some changes, too. Things just grew from there. So, this was the part where it was "successful".
"Darkness" shouldn't be an idle time. It's a time for you to regroup, and start to change some of your relationship habits. Time to quit letting your emotions and feelings dictate what you do, and come up with a solid plan of action. Time to figure out what you can do to help to make them see you in a different light whenever you do have any contact with them. Time to give them some space, and let them go through some of their growing pains, too. A time to help yourself find some more empathy towards what they are going through, too.
Hope this helps explain it a bit more for you!
Last edited by Jamesjohn; 05/10/0504:31 PM.
JJ
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Quote: "Darkness" shouldn't be an idle time. It's a time for you to regroup, and start to change some of your relationship habits. Time to quit letting your emotions and feelings dictate what you do, and come up with a solid plan of action. Time to figure out what you can do to help to make them see you in a different light whenever you do have any contact with them. Time to give them some space, and let them go through some of their growing pains, too. A time to help yourself find some more empathy towards what they are going through, too.
Hope this helps explain it a bit more for you!
I wandering the same thing - in my situation do you think I have gone too dark or "just right"?
I am wondering if going dark right away is a good strategy for me. W is going to leave in New Year and says she wants her space. I can think of no better way to give her that space than to go dark.
I do wonder how to go dark with kids in the mix. For those of you that have used this method how did you overcome that issue. I mean with her coming by to see the kids or me dropping them off at her place, how can I go dark?
Me 45 WAW 46 Married 23yrs D22 S18 D12 W moved out 1/12/07 Divorce Final 2/06/08
I do wonder how to go dark with kids in the mix. For those of you that have used this method how did you overcome that issue. I mean with her coming by to see the kids or me dropping them off at her place, how can I go dark?
I can certainly relate to that last sentence [the worst thing that happened to me turned out to be the best thing). My sitch: separated now 4 years, H lives w/OW. Still pays some household bills for me, we exchange gifts, give birthday and Christmas gifts together within the family, I work for his brother in a small family business (H has no part in it). He has taken me to the Dr. when I have been ill, or had surgery, he stayed in our home with our dogs. Usually, we get along, however, although he will say he has forgiven me, he hasn't. ( I had a brief affair just before I confirmed my suspicions that he was). He is still with her (nurse he had during cancer treatment). He frequently tells me all is my fault and that he can't live with a wife who cheated on him. I stopped immediately when he found out, yet he continues to this day. Just over a year ago, they moved within 8 miles of my home. They had lived in a nearby town and he commuted up here daily to tend to the farm, which he still tends daily. OW built a house and barn (in her name, not his). H and I own cattle, equipment, property I live in, and additional land together. After 4 years of separation I began to date someone. ( a person he knew and encouraged to pursue me). I have no plans for a divorce and as far as I know, he doesn't either. After I started seeing someone, he stopped taking the trash and having much to do with our dogs, it's like he totally abandoned them now. We had no kids together. He has 3 grown and 8 grandkids, all of whom I still have a relationship with, and who don't acknowledge the OW. I still have a great relationship with my Mom-in-law, his mother, with whom he does not get along with at all. During all this strife of the past almost 5 years now, I did join the Catholic church, which has helped me find peace in my heart. H had to actively particpate in that process in order for me to get into the Church, although he is not Catholic. I suppose I need advice on going dark. Just today, he yelled at me and said I wanted to run everything and control everything (just because I mentioed I noticed he changed address on his checking from ours to hers, after over 4 years.) I am a believer in that life is not a bed of roses and that value and strength can be obtained in suffering, whether emotional, mental or physical. Also, if you love something, let it go and if it comes back, it is yours and if not it never was. There are days I feel like leaving the area, and starting over, and then other days, I feel well, turn the other cheek again. Generally, I don't want to face the turmoil I'd have to go through with him in the divorce process. And by the way, I am ok with the church as the person I am seeing understands we will no longer have a sexual relationship. I am still technically married, and I cannot live in the inner turmoil being in the sin of adultey causes. I went over 4 years without, so feel I can do it again. I am more conerned now with my eternal life rather than this one. Any advice or your thoughts would be appreciated, especially do you feel there is any advantage in going dark?
