Midlife for Dummies

[peter2DB]

Possible addition to the manual; I wonder if anyone has heard this one??

"I love you too much to do the things that would make you leave".

In other words, just to prove to you how good I am, I've restrained myself from (whatever.....) but I STILL want you to get the h*** out of here.

[2X Divorcee?]

Thanks for this post...have not been here for awhile and focused on other things when my WAW was having EA with OM. Now 3 yrs later, that is over but she appears to have MLC. Yes, I agree this post reads like a script. I also take comfort that it seems scientific and transitional.

She's threatened to move out lately and has given up her grip on the mattress by moving to the guest b-room.

I'm focusing on myself now, trying to avoid R-talks etc.

Wish me luck and I'll pray for all of you.

[peter2DB]

I have to confess to involuntarily snorting with laughter when I read the section in the dummies manual about edge-of-the-matress-clinging. You want to say "oh Puh-LEASE just get a decent night's sleep, instead of this grim, silent protest...! Like, I GET THE MESSAGE!!". But you don't, and you just lie there in silence, inches away from someone you love so profoundly that it hurts....

[peter2DB]

Can anyone give me guidance on this one? How to react, what (or what not) to say??

Me, to about-to-be WAW whom I suspect is in MLC: [timescale, approx 2 months post-bomb.]

"Look, this is your decision to end things. It's not what I want".

Her:

"No, YOU actually ended it by being so self absorbed over all those years" [etc etc].

This from someone whose last year's birthday card to me reads: For My beloved P, thanks for being you, and being mine, with all my love, M.

But now all my "self-absorbtion" and other supposed marriage-busting sins have been back-dated about 3-4 years.

I'm getting countless mixed messages like this.

Thoughts, anyone?

[2X Divorcee?]

I've always thought the best/most non-defensive reply is "I never meant to hurt you". Anything defensive is wrong. I have little luck convincing WAW/MLC wife I deserve forgiveness. In her self centeredness, she deserves all the apologies. This reply is not an apology, but a true statement. Just realize you did not actually hurt your spouse and that means you should not create blame for yourself.

[peter2DB]

Thank you very much for this insight. "Creating blame" for myself has been a recurrent theme in my life, since way before this R and its present travails. The current crisis in fact has brought about many, swingeing, rapid changes in my outlook and in my understanding of myself. I have to remind myself that it is she, by initiating this situation, who has been responsible - intentionally or otherwise - for some of these vital breakthroughs.

I just with this new reason to love her was not mixed up with such agony.

[TabD]

Wow, can I relate to EVERYTHING on there. My H has been doing all of this and I am so confused! He has never actually left but he states that he is done with this marriage and he is ready to leave.

I am so glad I found this... I know now that I am NOT going insane. And scary how they all do say the same things... it maybe 1 or 2 words different but the REST is all the same.

So I have a question. how long do you wait? do you live like this for years??? Anyone that has been thru this at any point... can you help me?

[Goinbatty]

The answer is:
How long you decide to wait.
Yes and no, you can and cannot live like this for years.
It's your life, not his.
Your decision, not his.
Meantime, while you are waiting, get your life in order.
After years of me being in this, that's the simplest way of explaining.
And glad you caught the fact you're not going insane. Their actions and inactions (not intended on their part usually) will make you think that way.
Best of luck, sorry your here, but feel welcome.
I've been at it for years.
I chose to move on.

[TabD]

Goinbatty,
thanks for the support. I don't know how to cope with things right now. Everything is so new to me. I think this has been going on for a while and I have read DR about surviving MLC... but I guess I will need to read it again and again.

I mention to my family that I think this is what his going thru and they laugh. They say he is only 30 he can not be going thru this. how do I make someone else see it and have them support me?

Thanks again and I am sure I will be out here a LOT.
Tab

[hurtingbad]

OMG that script is everything that I have heard and everything that is happening
3. Do random acts of kindness such as yard work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.
This is the point we are at at the moment.

My question is do they get over all this or is this the way they go and then everything ends?

Is there anything we can do as the Left at home spouse to make things change for the better and shift this script from their head