Dear Smurf and all who are dealing w/ MLCers: THANK YOU for this. Midlife for Dummies is so weirdly accurate. I am wondering whether to print it out and send it to H. Ideas anyone? Probably bad one, but for a minute, it'd feel great.
I would like to add to the symptoms and maybe offer some "secret decoding".
TO THE LEFT BEHIND/BEWILDERED SPOUSES
Overly used mlc phrases/words and their Real Meanings:
MLC says "we can work this out" which actually means, LBS can take the crap from MLC and not do whatever it is MLC does not wish LBS to do, such as file for D rather than waiting around for MLC, until if and when MLC feels like coming back. ALso, the phrase is great for causing false hope in LBS, or at least lots of confusion. Very effective "yo-yo" phrase. MLC also repeats use of "we" but means only you. AND IF you (LBS) do file for D due to lengthy marital torture, it is Not MLC's fault, it's the LBS's fault for "throwing in the towel," when all MLC needed was space (like say, 3000 miles) and time (like 2 or more years) since MLC was obviously trying to "make things work out." This is further evidence that LBS is impatient, selfish and too negative, and clearly does not want to work on M.
MORE ADVICE FOR THE MLCer RE: LYING IN GENERAL, OR WHAT TO SAY WHEN CAUGHT LYING: MLC: THINK AHEAD. When thinking about lying, only do so whenever it benefits you in any way, Or confuses spouse. Tell truth about unimportant topics and use those statements as proof that LBS is paranoid or ungrateful or a nag, when he/she does not believe your lies, etc. IF caught, DENY. If useless to deny, then claim you were Forced to lie (but never use the word "lie" itself, use euphemisms, "not lying, just didn't tell all facts..." or "not lying, you didn't ask right question".. etc) and blame LBS because God knows YOU WOULD NEVER LIE IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO. LBS made you "withold the full truth" by LBS being hurt every time you "witheld" or "inadvertently mislead" in the past. Their pain was an overreaction and they were "wrong to feel" their emotions, let alone share them with you. Whatever it is you had to lie about, was their fault.
More for MLCers: WHEN OTHERS DISAGREE WITH YOUR PLAN/VISION
Remember that mc or T, or your minister, and or your friends may tell you that you are not completely justified, or worse, that you are doing something "off" or "crazy" or , God forbid, "selfish/wrong." That is only BECAUSE SPOUSE HAS BRAINWASHED THESE PEOPLE TO TURN AGAINST YOU. If those people Knew how it felt to be you, then they would all agree with how right you are, because YOU are "right" and that is the most important thing to remember, no matter what it costs. ALSO, if certain consequences occur that might appear related to your choices, such as bankruptcy after you quit your job to find/improve yourself, or spent on things that only you use or like, remember you deserved those things and if LBS had been supportive, you'd be rich. Or if moved and now living far away from family seems to be causing alienation from kids, blame spouse for bad mouthing you unfairly.
No way would the kids be effected by you Not seeing them much, nor would that ever change how they view you. In fact, merely calling them on the phone when you feel like it, is more than generous of you. You've paid bills for years and THE KIDS OWE YOU a lot more gratitude for all the time you've put into your job/career. Working so much was never about feeding Your starving ego. No, the overtime and long hours and missed holidays/birthdays (but always making time for work related things-YOU had to be responsible) was really FOR THEM. THERE ARE NO NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF YOUR CHOICES. If it seems that way, it's due to bad mouthing by LBS and/or brainwashing and/or idiots not understanding your vision. There is NO connection between how differently family/friends see you now, and anything you have said or done now or in the past.
More Torture Tips for the MLCers:
Be sure to discuss your new job/living arrangements/geographic change/new place/relationship/new friends, with your Spouse as often and excitedly as possible. IF spouse cries, or is hurt or angered by this, remind Spouse that this is why you "lied" or had to sometimes "mislead" them, and why you likely will always withold information. It's their fault, due to their constant "overreactions."
Well, I just wanted to add my 2 cents And to thank you for writing or printing this, 'cuz it totally made me remember something so important right now: I am not alone. jch
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
wow this just described my husband to a T.But,he's not in a mlc or so he say's and the 24 year old ow is not a part of that.he was planing to leave me and the kids anyways.It's not how it looks.but ,it is just how it looks..It's all about them and they dont care who they hurt along the way.What hurt's me the most is the kids..how the hurt and these men dont even care..
Wow, I've actually gotten three of the four speeches in Chapter One (we didn't get married too young, or I'm sure I'd have heard that one, too). And of course much of the rest of this, too. Too sad.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
I wouldn't use the term MLC to one of them. THat implies fault and lack of insight in them and cliched self absorbed actions of theirs. You keep forgetting my dear LBS, this is YOUR fault, and or He MUST do this because He deserves to be happy---but you keep interfering. You are the selfish one and H is the misunderstaood Victim. welcome to our world, and Good luck, jch
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, there is no question whatsoever that I am yet another LBS with an MLC husband, age 45, about 2 years into his MLC. I can relate to absolutely every word contained here... funny but SAD.
I've dealt with all the speeches, detachment, lies and more lies, girlfriend who can't survive without my husband, cake eating, major revisions of history, avoid/ignore/runaway, therapy, 'I don't have to if I don't want to and you can't make me' (just heard that one 30 minutes ago), moving out, clinging, self-absorbtion, 'you're poisoning my kids against me', and even the BLAME game. I've even dealt with the suicide threats, and my husband's best friend he was confiding in daily killing himself.
So... my question. Since my MLC husband has absolutely no recognition whatsoever that he's in a MLC (because of course his crazy behavior is all my fault)... should us LBSers share this 'MidLife for Dummies' and show our MLCer who he really is? Or is it totally off-limits to actually show this to our MLCer? I'm curious what others have done!
It is best not to share the information here.....I can see how they would then just classify all of us LBS's as a bunch of nuts who drove our spouses away and now need something to blame it on....
They would probably even deny they have said, done, acted, reacted, and other fitting verbs....anything like what we describe....just as how they re-write history they re-write themselves as they go along....
Have you heard this? "I am not a bad person!"....okay, what good man leaves his adoring wife and children???
H is back with me but I am having a hard time today....so maybe I am not the best to respond to things....I just keep thinking as I did before....it will get better, it will get better.....it has to get better!
I would most definitely think that could prolong the MLC....you see it keeps them from facing reality...it dulls the senses....stunts the emotional growth that is needed to recover....so yeah, if a "normal" MLC can be 3-5 years I don't see why one affected with alcohol couldn't last much longer... I can say that certain areas improved when my H quit drinking....later he found out he had diabetes which I also think hampered his ability to heal emotionally...as best I can tell his MLC has been 5 years so far....while he is back home he is still not back to normal yet but things are improving.. I wish you the best!
