New years has come. In my previous post I said that W was coordial all day. Tonite could only be described as 'stand offish'. D15 had a few friends over for a small party. We played board games and card games for fun. W acted like I wasn't there most of the time. Of course I tried to be cool about it but it's hard NOT to feel the rejection.
Anyway, I gave all the teens rides home with D15 and on the way back from the last dropoff I asked her if I came across as 'down' to her friends as I didn't want to ruin her party so I was trying to be upbeat. She said 'No, you were OK but I have no idea what is up with Mom, she was very angry and out there'.
She asked me if I had any idea what was up and I said I wasn't sure, that W seemed like she was in a bad place emotionally. I mentioned to D15 that mom thought she was receiving negative energy from someone and D15 said 'Dad, I am really woried about her. Please make sure she doesn't join a cult or something. She says some stuff to me that she believes that I just can't understand how she can believe it.' (she couldn't give an example).
I told her not to worry, W is not nuts, she is just trying to understand her life.
That was so weird though, that D15 is getting bad vibes from W.
Anyway, tonite was cruddy but we lived. I have no idea what is making W hostile as we did't fight over anything, and this mornings emotional issues she had, where I held her to help her feel better, seemed to have ended up being the only time she was nice all day - when she needed me.
ANyway, I have been beat up enough lately so I'm back to my 'let go' mental state finally.
New years day and W is still angry / distant. Don't know why. I know I am taking it personally which is NOT what I should be doing because it will come across in my attitude. I'm still hoping for more feedback from others about my 'I don't know what this means' post from friday.
This week, and this new year I am dedicating myself to letting her go for real. Ow, it's hard and I have been trying but it does scare me because it's like admitting that our marriage is over forever. But that's what she says so letting go and giving her what she says she wants is good for my dignity and self esteem.
I'm worth it. I'm strong and getting stronger every day. I miss her even though I see her every day living here in our house. She doesn't miss me because she gets what she wants from me whenever she wants it and the rest of the time dreams about OM and the promises he has made.
It's so natural for us to take care of our W's and to let go and detach is unnatural. I'll keep doing it but I WILL reach out to her if I see she is hurting. That's a part of who I am and I won't change that for any reason. I just won't be around her as much to fill in the day to day gaps in her life.
Quote: Please make sure she doesn't join a cult or something. She says some stuff to me that she believes that I just can't understand how she can believe it.' (she couldn't give an example
frank, just curious, you don't think your wife told your daughter about the whale thing, do you?
I'm sorry your new year is off to this kind of start. I totally understand, and I feel that I need to work on gaining back my husband's respect. I think that is very important, and I know he's still in selfish MLC mode but hopefully MY actions will help not only my self-esteem but also H's perception of me, and maybe the respect will slowly return.
I admire your strength and devotion to your family. Happy New Year.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
If you don't mind I'll share some thoughts on the conversation. I don't admit to be an excellent DBer, many others on this site may give better insight.
"In a split second I decide to push the limits and say: 'Well, I can see why she might be upset, you and OM really screwed both of us (GF and I)"
You obviously hit a button with this comment - You were able to let her know you disagree with her immoral action & brought light to how it affects you & OM's GF. AFter making your point, do not bring up OM. It will make you appear desparate & by discussing OM you only justify her decision & push her away further. It is so hard to let go of thinking about the affair, especially when you live in the same house. But once you quit focusing on the affair, you will feel much better.
"Me: "I'm not mad I'm just hurting too much right now. I can only take so much of your Adulterous Affair and the other emotional stuff with the divorce and I have to retreat and rebuild my strength".
I think this was an excellent response. You let her know you are moving on and working on making yourself better.
"W: OM is NOT the cause of D, it was going to happen anyway.
Me: Why do you say that?
W: I don't know, maybe so I can convince myself..."
Hmmmmm, admitting that she is trying to convince herself that divorce was inevitable??? Doesn't sound so sure of herself.
"Me: I've stayed out of your way for the past 2 months, I just can't stand here and take it forever. I need some time to transition myself to a more neutral emotional state while you pursue your affair. I know you're not going to end it like you are trying to tell me. You want it too bad."
This was another excellent way to tell her you are trying to move on.
"She wants me to stay living here for the kids sake, to keep a stable environment. I ask her if she wants the stable environment for herself too. She says it's not important to her. She does say she still wants to go to couples counseling to work on 'healing' the hurt between us. (This is important because our counselor is trying to bring her back to reality)."
I don't know your wife, but I find it very unusual that a woman who wants a D so badly would want her H to continue to live in the same house....Does she want you to still be living in the same house when OM supposedly moves?
At one point in the conversation your wife felt you blamed her for D - try to never make her feel this way again. I haven't read your entire sitch, but based on what is in this linrk, you have a lot of postives. You & wife still live in same house & she wants it to stay that way - This give you the opportunity for more interactions. On a legal note, some states require a time of sep. before you can file for D...if you are not livinge in sep. households, can D be filed? It's great that you are going to counseling together & she wants to help heal the hurt...not sure of you C's approach but, it may not be good to bring up neg. from the past, it could stir up resentement. Hope your C is able to snap her back from whatever it is that she is going through.
With regards to your wife's bad mood today, you mentioned that your W mirrors your moods, have you been in a bad mood too? Or with a little wishful thinking, maybe OM & her had a tiff Good luck.
Quote: just curious, you don't think your wife told your daughter about the whale thing, do you?
No way, she would have to tell her about the affair also. She won't do that.
Quote: Hmmmmm, admitting that she is trying to convince herself that divorce was inevitable???
I think she was questioning whether or not the AFFAIR is the reason for the divorce and whether the divorce was inevitable. The way I framed it for her by saying 'you intended on pursuing him while you were still in Hawaii, before you decided to tell me you wanted a divorce.' I believe had to make her question her decision and it's implications. I mean, if affair thoughts came before divorce request did then she has to admit she gave up on US FOR OM. She hasn't wanted to admit that. I could be wrong on this but it feels right. Even if it is subconscious.
Quote: I find it very unusual that a woman who wants a D so badly would want her H to continue to live in the same house
Economics and impact on the kids. Counselor said it would be better if we could stay togehter and be civil at least till summer. And it's good for DB'ing.
Quote: With regards to your wife's bad mood today, you mentioned that your W mirrors your moods, have you been in a bad mood too? Or with a little wishful thinking, maybe OM & her had a tiff
I'm not in a bad mood at all. Although it has been hard NOT to get in one with her around me today. Also, I would find it hard to believe that OM and her had any negative interaction. Remember that they are 3,000 miles apart and realistically can only talk about nice things. It could be that her attempts to set up another meeting haven't worked out. That would irk her since her addiction to the affair can't be itched.
It has continued all day. Even D15 told me that she was so glad to be out of the house because of the feeling of depression everywhere. When D10 went to bed she asked me to sit with her so she could cry, because she needed to cry. I did for about 15 minutes. She couldn't tell me why she needed it, she just did.
We went to a movie and I would see W occasionally wiping a tear or two from her eyes and look away. At one point she got up and had to go somewhere for about 10 minutes. It wasn't during any sad parts of the movie either.
We drove 1/2 hour to a chinese food place we like and during the drive she stared out the window in pain. The dinner was ok, W was pleasant but there was a definate heavyness in the air. D15 mentioned it to me when W went to the bathroom and wondered if it was because of her. She didn't indicate what she might have done but I told her probably not since it really began yesterday morning.
After dinner W got a fortune cookie and she read it but wouldn't tell us what it said because it was 'so appropriate to her life'. Note: She has a fortune she has saved that says 'you will find romance from far away' or something like that which of course to her refers to OM who is far away.
I spent the whole drive home trying to think of all the fortunes I've ever heard from that place and what each might mean. Pretty sick huh? I kind of decided that pretty much all fortunes refer to jobs, money or relationships and they usually refer to 'change'. So who knows. Since she was pleasant to me I figured she isn't planning on changing anything with our living arrangements or the D. So whatever she's upset about is still a mystery.
On the ride home she talked a little and was also pleasant. Same thing when we got home. She went in her room to read after we put D10 to bed (mentioned above). We had been watching TV and as she left the room she smiled a warm smile and picked up the remote from the table next to her and handed it to me. Hasn't done that in a long while. Then she left the room. D15 came down to ask me if she could go to her boyfriends tomorrow so she could 'get out of this depressing place'. I told her sure but ask Mom also. W said ok and as D15 went by me she whispered 'Thanks dad I would have gone crazy staying here'.
So, I am clueless here. It would be great if SHE is having second thoughts about OM and the D, even if it means she is going to cut off relationship with him and proceed with D just to prove a point. OM is a distraction.
I was thinking that maybe she is just unhappy because she can't be with OM and is stuck here with her family. But there isn't evidence that she is calling or e-mailing more.
I also know she talked with her mom yesterday or today and she may have told her about affair and gotten a negative review. No idea. I have also noticed that I have not seen her on the computer. My network logs show that she has been online but not how long or how often. It's just that for the past few weeks she would be online a lot, chatting with OM, so I would have pretty good odds of 'seeing' her online. Past 2 days I haven't seen her online so she has slowed down a bit. Whatever it is, I have to continue to believe that nothing has changed with OM or I'll go crazy.
I did realize that I'm freaking out about this. Which means I haven't DETACHED now, have I? So back to that again. I have to detach before anything will actually begin to work, if it's going to.
I spoke to a friend who was in Hawaii during the beginning of the Affair. She told me that she had a feeling that OM was not telling W what she wanted to hear right now. She thinks there may be a change brewing. Now, of course she doesn't know, it's just her 'feeling'. She really thinks very little of OM and said she DID tell W in Hawaii that he was not a good person. Still doesn't know why W went for it though.
Anyway, this friend sees me once a week so I can get a massage from her (boy do I need it!). She was very excited and optimistic after I told her the story of the last week. She said 'You are the one holding all the cards, OM has nothing. At some point W will notice that it's YOU who has been there for her when she's down, not HIM.'
She also pointed out that she has seen the changes in me each week and is very impressed at how I get into a problem and make it my focus - the problem being I didn't know how marriages work, and I didn't know how to give and receive love unconditionally. Now I do both.
It was really great to get that feedback. Whatever is going on with W's Affair or her emotional state is her problem and I have always been the 'fixer' in our relationship. Instead I am detaching / letting go which will help ME to stay out of the negativity.
I feel good. I need to maintain this.
My newest goals:
I am holding all the cards. I am growing and changing. I will bring my family back together. I am the Superior Man. I am real. I can stay in my heart space and allow the events to unfold as they should. My wife and I will have a wonderful life together.
Quote: When D10 went to bed she asked me to sit with her so she could cry, because she needed to cry. I did for about 15 minutes. She couldn't tell me why she needed it, she just did.
We went to a movie and I would see W occasionally wiping a tear or two from her eyes and look away. At one point she got up and had to go somewhere for about 10 minutes. It wasn't during any sad parts of the movie either.
W. sounds depressed, and maybe it has nothing to do with what's going on with OM, although it is good that you heard from your friend that OM may not be telling your wife what she wants to hear right now. Let's hope that keeps up!!
You still see her and spend so much time together (compared to some of us with WAS's) that I really feel hopeful for you. I don't think there is anything you could be doing differently or better, to be honest. You've got a good hold on the situation, and you aren't pushing W. into anything.
You and I are both on new ground with this detaching plan. I've decided to go the same route, because anything else is just not getting me anywhere, and it literally made me sick. We have to take care of ourselves, and let them do the same.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: W. sounds depressed, and maybe it has nothing to do with what's going on with OM, although it is good that you heard from your friend that OM may not be telling your wife what she wants to hear right now. Let's hope that keeps up!!
You and I are both on new ground with this detaching plan. I've decided to go the same route, because anything else is just not getting me anywhere, and it literally made me sick. We have to take care of ourselves, and let them do the same.
Yeah, she's been ok today whenever I've seen her. And the friend was just speculating, she doesn't know OM personally, just from the Hawaii retreat, and was being hopeful even though she does expect this guy to eventually fizzle out.
I agree with detaching. It's way too painful to stay close to her. I end up being needy instead of loving. I haven't been putting a visualization in my mind of us together because it hurts too much.
Instead I have been seeing her gone because as I accept that as the worst possible outcome, if it happens I'll be ok, and if not I'll be better!
We get along and there are definatly feelings there from time to time but the feelings for the Affair are much stronger for her. I'm sure he hasn't given up on this interaction with her, he's too weak to walk away.
And, I was soooo tempted to read her e-mail or check phone logs but I WON'T DO IT! Better to leave it where it last was so there are no false hopes for me. If she IS upset over him then that still means she doesn't care about me so there is no reason to change my plan - detach and let go.
Her hurting is better than being 'giddy' with the Affair. Even if Affair hasn't changed at all the hurting comes from somewhere and has to be making her think about her life and what she is doing. That has to be a good thing since she can't keep running away from things. And, whatever she is feeling it isn't because of ME, which is a good thing!
Good luck. 
. I like that. Now I have o read your thread. Be back in a bit.