Alrighty! Following thru on the end of the last thread, I reached out this morning to my H. And the results were positive. I asked him to rub the back of my neck for a minute, I timed it to suggest absolutely nothing more, and he responded first with one hand, then both hands, and more than a minute. The last time I remember we had any physical touch was Christmas, at the dinner table. It felt sooooo good to feel his hands. Then he made a little pleasant conversation. I asked him how he felt, he's had a bad cold and it seems to be taking over again. I noticed he was up around 4am with the lights on and I heard him rummaging the cupboards, I assume for some cold relief medicine. So, evangelism from the church service - reaching out, I applied to my marriage and my H. Such a little bitty touch for a minute, I am on a high cloud! Especially because the last time or two I suggested or asked for a back rub it didn't happen. Maybe we are both ready to move back towards each other. Reinstate this goal.
Many thoughts and suggestions from the end of that thread, mostly that I am not seeing H reaching out to me. Right. I'm missing it. I also feel scared of making a wrong move, that I don't move at all.
debcb, I'm doing or at least I think I am, many things you suggest. Except for the last cow fiasco. His trailer renewal was due the end of December. I showed the notice to him when it came, and gave him one reminder the day before it expired. It is not paid yet. The same thing with our truck renewals both expire this month. In the past, I handled all the finances, we did well. When H started doing his own checkbook, problems started. Many late fees and past due notices. I hate it! it is throwing money out the window, just light a match and let it burn. In time, a little at a time, I have suggested that he uses automatic payments and deductions, and in his own time he has set a lot of stuff up that way now. But it all has to become his idea in his own good time. So if that's an analogy, I have to somehow let him think that making our marriage work and we can move beyond this is his idea. How the heck do I do that? I feel like he's the horse that with too much loose rein he will run away, but I know exactly what you're saying. I don't trust him enough, I keep giving a tug to remind him I'm still back here. Remind myself of this goal.
H's biggest anger issue with me, I think, is that he doesn't trust me. Because when I first found out about what was going on, I talked to 4 people. I asked him 1st, he denied anything and everything. I talked to OW 2nd, she denied anything and everything. I talked to OW's husband 3rd, he was unaware of anything at all going on, he talked to his W that night, and found out she had an apartment lined up and was moving the next weekend. I should have quit talking to him then. But I didn't. We commiserated for a while, and what I wasn't smart enough to know is that he fed information to OW/his wife that she fed back to my H. Some was true, a lot of it was not. But H was furious, with me, and he once said that he cannot ever trust me with his thoughts or feelings again. That is his biggest anger issue. Before I learned that, I blubbered to a mutual friend, 4th person. H snooped in my email and found out everything we'd talked about. He denies it, but it is the only way he could know specifics like he does. So now, other than ranting and raving here, I talk to no one. But will he ever know that? will he ever move past his anger and resentment of what he feels I betrayed him? isn't it odd how things get so turned around? He doesn't trust me.
I do need to be more appreciative, of everyone and everything in my life. Inside I am, but I do not show it enough. My work, my family, my friends, my husband. I recognize it, but I don't do enough about it. Another goal to work at.
Wllowwlk - I have read Mars/Venus and 5LL. In fact, the M/V books I just found again thru one of my goals of getting organized again and pecking away at things I've let slide. Now, I need to make time to read them again. Yet another thing on the todo list.
So, here's what I see to work on - - physical touch with H, don't be scared into doing nothing. - trust him, I get jittery just putting that down, this is absolutely huge. I don't trust him at all, with anything. How do I start? Doesn't he have to earn my trust as well? - work on gaining his trust. Show him my loyalty to him and our M. Are my actions and words as big as I think they are? must not be, he's not responding. - be more appreciative. In all areas of my life.
Plus all the other goals - to get organized again, lose weight, exercise, keep a tidier house, work more with my horse and more horses, work on paperwork/taxes, keep whittling away at budget and finances, and take time to think about everything rather than just blundering thru it.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
So he's not feeling well, did you offer him a back, shoulder, or temple rub? Trust takes time, pick an issue that caused the loss of trust AN ISSUE start there. What will it take, break it down into babysteps.
Did you let him know how good the neck rub felt? Make sure you do - something like "Honey, you give the BEST neck rubs." or "I love it when you do that." Give him some positive feedback and he might surprise you with some more touching. Also, have you tried some small, flirtatious touches - even just brushing by him as you go past him in the kitchen, pat his bum - that kind of stuff.
Your H is still at home with you, so that's a huge positive. But, I think you need to shake your sitch up a bit. And, since I'm blathering on about it on everyone else's thread, I'll say the same for you: the weight/fitness goal is super important - don't ignore that for another day.
I did not offer that last night, I was chicken. baawwwkk! that's something I have to work thru, being scared of his reactions and rejection. It just hurts so much. Last night when I walked in we started good and positive. I was dressed nicer than the usual chore clothes he sees me in mostly, and I caught him looking at me. When I got a closer look at him, at his eyes, my first thought was that he had been crying. But I think he was just looking so bad because of his cold. And he is in a pity mode. I can see it now that I'm looking for it. He's feeling just like I have, and he is stuck wallowing around in it too.
My plans for this weekend have fallen thru. Conditions are not good for working the friends cattle. HHmmm, what can H and I do all weekend? Rather than dread the distance, I want to try and close the gap. Something out of routine, but not too shocking. I don't think we're ready for shocking, it would push the wrong way. Maybe breakfast out? hhmm. more thought required.
Here's a ahem funny. In my desire to tidy the house, I've been chinking away at things a little at a time. There's been an item that came in the mail sitting in the wrong place for weeks, under the kitchen table. The other morning I put it in the spare room. H must've heard the door while he was in the shower, and checked what I had done. That night it was gone. Not sure what to make of that. Why would that be a big deal?
And, I think I need to bring up the cow talk from the other night. H opened the door, I didn't swing it. I need to see if the door is still open. Show him, and let him show me, that his thoughts/feelings/opinions do matter and I do care what he thinks. H telling me that what he thinks doesn't matter the other night was a big miss by me. I mean, I knew he said that, I asked what he meant, but I didn't see it as a sign of how he fealt or that he was reaching out. It hurts me to think I was so unknowing and uncaring in his eyes.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Howdy Gibeon! I did say thanks and how good it felt, I didn't gush though. I haven't done much incidental touching other than fingertips while handing him a coffee cup. Chicken, squaawwk again. I need to get out of the hen house! fly with the eagles!
Yes, he is at home - with me. I hope it's not just financial or reputation issues that keep him there. I hope it's because that is his way of showing me that he is still wanting to make this work, even though he won't say it.
Give me some more shake ups! I'm going to call a friend that I used to walk with, see if she wants to start again. Being depressed = pounds. That will meet multiple goals - exercise, GAL, and network with friends.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
In the we're seperated forum hopefullymommy's stich has included some seduction, physical contact suggestions here's my post there today, she is not living with H, but they have a baby. If you want more suggestions, check the stich
Quote: I am not a guy so my perspective is far different that HH, I would suggest that you stick with the causal brushing up against him and some accidental physical contact, a bit of intentional physical contact ok too, but limit it to non sexual contact, just have that as the undertone. He held your hand to me that is huge. squeeze his arm as a gesture, when he's over sit on the floor and play with your baby do things that will make you touch. Do you pray together ie at meals at bed, holding hands then. Giving your baby a good night kiss, you can always give him a peck on the cheek, if he turns his head that will be his choice. take it slow and don't do to much at once, leave him wondering and wanting. That much I agree with HH on. A birthday kiss is ok.
I had a nice surprise tonight. Our mutual friend stopped by to pick some things up he needed, H knew he was coming and so did I, but I didn't know H would stop by too. After mf left, H had to leave also for another appt, we talked a few minutes. I really wanted to ask if I could ride along with him, it was people and friends I know too, but I chickened out, and I really wanted him to ask. But, before H finished getting in his truck, he stopped to tell me that he had returned a phone message to someone. That is HUGE! that's a sore spot between us, him not returning calls to people. And he made a special point to tell me.
And H just drove in.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks Martha. Little little steps, I got very discouraged today thinking about our past years and how good things were, in my mind anyway. And how far we are from that now. And if we'll ever make it back. But, plugging away at it. Right now I'm starting to stew because H isn't coming to eat the nice meal I've made, steak, potatoes, corn, fresh bread. I don't do this all too often! And when he does come in, I think he's going to say it's too late to eat such a big meal. I can hear it coming, maybe I'm wrong. And if he doesn't eat, then I have more leftovers for next weeks lunch!
Here's a few more good things - - sold a horse! WE went to deliver it today - H finished spreading the pile of gravel, finally, conditions permitted - I needed grain for tonights chores, H must've been watching me and was right handy with equipment to help me haul it - H initiated conversation twice today - I told H thanks twice today for things he did
Of course I can list negative thoughts along with this, things that make me feel uneasy, sad, uncomfortable. But, not tonight.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
When I got a closer look at him, at his eyes, my first thought was that he had been crying. But I think he was just looking so bad because of his cold. And he is in a pity mode. I can see it now that I'm looking for it. He's feeling just like I have, and he is stuck wallowing around in it too.
