It's good that you are making some efforts, but I would be careful with the sexual overtures. This might seem too pushy or like you are in pursuit mode. This can be a real turn-off for a teetering WAS.
Sexual overtures? you mean the shower? I don't think he or I consider that sexual, most of the time it's just water saving and time saving, and one of the few times we had to talk. In the morning before work I am on a very tight time schedule, so it was a 'safe' time to ask him to join me. Now, if I would have jumped in his shower over the weekend, and I did have the chance, that could have been mistaken for sexual.
Opti, can I keep it going while feeling the rejection? yes, there's a good chance, I'm pretty thick skinned a lot of times, but I do have limits. It might end up pushing him over the edge and out, and I am afraid of that. But I am afraid of doing nothing too.
A few responses - Wllowwlk When was the last time you told him you thought so? Hhmmm, in those exact words? A while. I did tell him he was sexy, I did tell him just yesterday while we were fixing the flat tire on the skidloader how smart he was. Does that count? People like being with people who help them feel good about themselves. What are you doing to help your H feel good about himself? Not enough. Right now he is going thru a big deal about getting kicked off a Board of Directors we both have positions on, because of him opposing some new issues. He is pretty much standing alone in his opposition, but once he’s taken a stance he won’t back down. I agree with some of his reasoning, and have stated such to others in charge as to why the new things in proposal are not doing what they had hoped. This is going to be a big deal IMO, if he gets released from his position, and that will flow over to other positions he holds as well. It will definitely affect his PMA, his feeling of position of power. I feel awful about all of it, but not sure what more I can do for him. Other than that, I’ve been saying thanks more for the little things that he does for me. Things he used to do that I could boost on, horses, showing, etc. … I can’t remember the last time he was on a horse, and just once in the last few months that he has been around while I’m riding that I can encourage his great advice. He’s been updating a website with important material for me, I’ve been commenting on that. I need to find more things.
Nicole You said how your H is totally different with you versus when he's around friends/family--could he say the same about you right now? Are you acting just as reserved around him as he is you? Sometimes, yes. I just get a ‘vibe’ and can’t bring myself to even try and break thru it. Other days I can crack it, at least a little. I thought of this last night. H is usually the one on the phone being happy with the other end. Last night I got some calls about the projects I was working on, and ended up being very chatty and laughing with guy friend on the other end. We had calls back and forth, and H did give me a weird look. Then I realized I was being just like him. I felt bad. A positive I think I’ve noticed is that H will talk on the phone a little more when I am around, such as with kids, etc. But he won’t offer any information, and is usually pretty short answered if I ask.
Hopefulmommy I do is ask my H opinion about something I try, quite often he won’t comment. And if his frustration is high, it will be like last week and he’ll say what he thinks doesn’t matter. It's hard to draw an opinion from him on day to day stuff. More on this if I remember when I get to finances….
you and your H are living in the same house and are piecing things back together Well, we’re in the same house. I’m piecing, or trying. H is still here, that tells me that he hasn’t given up 100% or …?? He just hasn’t got something set up for him to go somewhere. We are living as roommates, not husband and wife, not as a married couple. We have joint activities, many social things that we attend together. People still expect that. And one thing I’ve thought about lately is that except for owb!tch, all of his/our friends are married couples. I can’t think of anyone we socialize with regularly that isn’t married. That’s a plus??
I'd love to hear anything you've tried and get suggestions from you. I’ll get back to you.!
I do have the KLA tapes, listen when I can while driving. My drive time is pretty short, lucky me. One day he 'caught' me listening, didn't ask, but sure looked weird.
I've got more homework yet, but I've run out of time at work! And as I review this, I see that I've really have been dropping the ball, not doing enough of anything! shame on me, and thank you all for pointing it out.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
What are the things that you have been in charge of? Finances, and we did well. Then H went self employed and took over his own checking,etc. Been an increasing struggle because he made good money, spent everything and more than he made, then got hurt, and we’ve hit a very low spot and struggle. And it’s hard to discuss it, before we were together H had business’s that went broke, and he gets very defensive about HIS finances. His bills are usually paid late after reminders and collector calls, bounces checks, finance charges, late fees – I hate it! But he still has a good credit score based on our first 10 years when I handled all or most of it. The house, like it or not. I had a neat organized house before H moved in. Never been the same since. He makes messes faster than I can clean it up. And then gets upset if I do clean up and he can’t find something. Outside – livestock, and everything involved, used to be joint. Now I have trouble getting H to give me his thoughts or ideas and share, but he’ll just do it. Or he won’t. And then I do. And then he gets upset and says whatever he thinks doesn’t matter anyway.
What kind of guy is/was he? The best, the absolute best. Friend, helper, lover, dependable, caring, sensitive, creative, funny, smart, ready to help others, soft, with a tough guy exterior but cried as hard as I did when our pet chicken was killed. And he still is that guy, except to me. He has a huge ego that takes a lot of fuel, he thrives on people talking about how good he is and if they seek his advice. Yet he never comes off as arrogant. -------------- I sort of blew it tonight. Just as I came down the road to home H was driving away. We were close enough to see vehicles but not to wave. He came home an hour or so later and I was outside playing with the digital camera and taking dog pics. He mostly ignored me, then finally said hello. Tonight is his skiing night, so I figured he would only be home a few minutes. I sorta followed him into the house, but I felt like an unwanted puppy, so I went back outside with the rest of the dogs, and saddled up my horse and rode for a while. Finished that and started chores, heard H’s truck start up and drive out. WTF? Can’t even say goodbye now? I should’ve just let it go, but I called as he drove up the road, and said ‘hi and thanks for saying goodbye’. He sounded surprised. Cell phone trouble at just the right time and I lost the connection, so I called back but he didn’t answer, and then he called me back. I asked what his dilemma was tonight, he said he had to get a credit card bill paid on line by 5pm, and with our dial up connection he had trouble with it, couldn’t get it done in time, then realized it was due tomorrow. That lead into a conversation about our credit card accounts, etc., how much we each owe, so I guess it was good information for us each to know.
What am I doing to create mystery? Sshhh, I can’t say that here, just in case H is reading. But if you have any ideas, list them in secret code that only DB piecers will understand and I’ll put them to good use. Or email would be great! ‘cause I learned from H to put passwords on everything except the zippers on my jeans! Is that mystery?
Honestly, I have two major problems. I can’t shake this nagging feeling I have that something is ready to blow. And I am having an increasing amount of frustration that this has been going on for two years and more, and I feel even further away from piecing than I did back in August/September/October. Those were our best months out of the last 28.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Wow! H just pulled in from skiing tonight. It's only 90 minutes after the hill closed. What's wrong? I can't remember the last time he's been home this early.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Finances, sounds like he has taken over his finances.??? Self employemnt? What was the catalyst to this. Can this be reversed to a joint checking which both of you input $$ and sit down once every 2 weeks to pay the bills.
Your stitch is about the same as mine in that regard, except my H took over his new bills when he moved out and created them, leaving all old bills to me. I hated it too, but now I am faced with new financial dilemmas, and let me tell you, your credit score is not such a big deal. To start with utilities, apart from needing them, and that shutoff notice, they don’t show up on your credit score. My H’s credit score totally is due to my work on it. Had I only known that I was setting him up for the ability to leave....
The low spot financially could be wearing on him. Doesn’t want other people to know? Just thinks that the money will appear, maybe even subconsciously thinks its your fault, b/c the way you handled money was different from him and he always got by b4, now he’s just sick of being poor. Sound right? How about telling him that your sick of being poor too. Find a way to say it that sounds better than that. You need to let him know that it is not his fault, and as a matter of fact, you think that with his help, the 2 of you can make things better. Praise, validate and encourage.
The house
Yep I’m the neat freak too, never the same when you get the slob. Here’s an e-mail that I got, it had some funny pictures to it, but I am not computer savvy, they didn’t copy: I don't do windows because I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. I don't wax floors because . I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible (plus they may sue me.) I don't mind the dust bunnies because . They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. I don't pull weeds in the garden because . I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because . I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. I don't iron because . I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". I don't stress much on anything because...... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
we don’t have livestock, but we have lots of weeds! Make a choice, would you rather press your sheets or use that time to be with your H. Trust me, I used to iron my underwear. I am AR, OC, and about to die. I gave up a lot of my old habits in order to keep my H happy. Then I ran into other issues.
I’ve gotten the my opinion doesn’t matter speech too. Make sure that it matters. Do what you always do, when it comes to the things that he would have done, how about saying, you’ve had a rough day, I though I would help you with X, do you want to join me, or what would you prefer.
Quote: What kind of guy is/was he? The best, the absolute best. Friend, helper, lover, dependable, caring, sensitive, creative, funny, smart, ready to help others, soft, with a tough guy exterior but cried as hard as I did when our pet chicken was killed. And he still is that guy, except to me. He has a huge ego that takes a lot of fuel, he thrives on people talking about how good he is and if they seek his advice. Yet he never comes off as arrogant.
You are married to my H!
Here’s something that I said after he moved out which made him melt like butter: “you’re amazing” Find a way to say that.
Re: him not saying goodbye, what did you say when you went outside. Do onto others...
Use that credit card conversation to try the above suggestion of getting it back to a joint thing. Honestly a M is a partnership, you doing it, or him doing it is not a partnership.
Mystery, Hmmm, can’t give you any ideas yet.
Maybe something is ready to blow. Put on your happy face, PMA, and suppress it.
Pride is a big thing, especially for guys. He needs to feel like he is not “kept” that he is the MAN, the breadwinner, your hero. Look back 2 -5 years, what happened? His business, a relative die, was he affected by 9/11?
This is long, and it's getting late in the day for a cup of coffee while you read.......
What was the catalyst to this. When H moved here he went to work in construction, but he is the type that wants to work for himself, not someone else. He/we started a side business, which grew to full time self employed for him. He likes what he does, but it is very physical, and he won't be able to maintain his pace into 'old age'. He talked about cutting back on that part of his business when he can and concentrate more on a retail business we are building. So, the easy logical answer is no, we can't combine finances again, because we need to separate the business account from personal, etc. Technically, we should do a better job of that, H should not be living his personal life from our business account. I've told him, but I can't stop him. credit score is not such a big deal. I have to disagree. It is. The better your credit score the better interest rates you can get for loans,etc. H had bad credit, that all turned around with me, and now the kicker is his score is actually HIGHER than mine last I checked! The low spot financially could be wearing on him I know it is me. But, ironically, just last night we got on a credit card conversation. When H got injured and couldn't work for 6 months and then eased back into it, it was a financial crisis. We took money on 0% credit card offers, which is all starting to come due. By talking to each other about it, we found we're not as far off as I/we thought. Imagine that, some communication and it turned up some relief for both of us. When he was recovering from his injury, he dumped everything. He had no income, so he dumped it all on me, bills, record keeping, HIS checkbook with nothing in it, ordering for the retail business, he wasn't able to physically help with hardly anything outside, he also QUIT spending, and although I will sound vain - I managed it all, and quite well. Somehow, with God's help and family and friends, the physical things got done, I somehow got bills paid and timely, even all the extra hospital bills.(hospitals will work with you) But, the key was, I managed all of it and H quit spending. Sometimes I think he used that as an excuse to dump it all and I would go under, and that would be the excuse he would use for the end. He was also still very heavy with owb!tch, she would even stop to see him because he couldn't get out on his own. Where was I? working. I also feel that if it wasn't for that injury we would have been done that same time, H would have moved out and on, but he couldn't. I felt a lot of resentment during that time, and I don't blame him for feeling bad about being laid up, but it wasn't anyones fault, it was an accident. I tried double extra hard to make sure I included him and made him aware of what was going on and what I was doing. His take is that I made sure I excluded him from everything, I just went ahead and did it and just left him sitting alone in the house. This is awful, it just hurts putting this all down again. I was busy outside, many things had to be done before winter set in. I asked and my sister borrowed us a gator so H could get out of the house and be mobile, I asked people to call and stop in and visit with H,(except owb!tch), I tried hard to not let him just wallow. So that is where some of his 'my opinion doesn't count' attitude comes from, but he's said that long before that injury. And you know what? I feel the same way, I feel like he doesn't give a crap what I think, he's just going to do what he feels like, around home or whatever, and I am not included in anything he decides. There was one day last spring, where he actually did acknowledge and say thanks to me for getting us thru that time. But we are still dealing with the financial part, take away the major income for 6 - 9 months and it's a big void. telling him that your sick of being poor too A subtle difference for me, I am not poor, I'm broke. I have things, I just don't have cash. I have had those discussions with H, he knows how I feel, he knows that we could work on it together and come out on top. He has said that I am smart that way, I am a good business partner, even suggested we should stay business partners. (just like owb!tch and her now XH) And now we are just business partners, like he wanted, because we certainly don't have a marriage. And we're not even good business partners anymore. Sucks. There are a few times when we can discuss and make some progress, but the majority of the time he is so abrasive and defensive and won't engage in any conversation. I am AR, OC, and about to die Explain, please? Any housework barely makes it on my list of priorities. It is always last for me. I do wish it was neater, but until it makes it on H's list, I can't and don't even try to keep up with his messes. I guess that is my issue, but just because I am female doesn't mean I have to be the maid. He's a big boy too. He even got to the point for awhile that he would only do the dishes that he dirtied. gheesh.... I don't complain, I don't say anything. But he does vacuum the floor where he sleeps, next time I'm going to say the house has more floor space than that and he could do the rest of it. Re: him not saying goodbye, what did you say when you went outside. Do onto others... He wasn't ready to leave, he was wrestling with his laptop. It ended up being an hour before he left. I suppose he could figure I was out riding and not around, but all the dogs were in the yard, they wouldn't have been there if I wasn't. But that is something that I struggle with, treat him like he treats me, or treat him how I want to be treated. Most of the time it is the latter, but then I get angry and lower myself to his level. suppress it That's been my motto for the last few months, don't discuss, don't bring up conversation that would allow HIM an opportunity to bring it up either. Right or wrong? not sure, so far it's worked. But, there are things that we should be scheduling already for this summer, I am getting questions almost daily from folks about plans and schedules, and I can't answer most of them without asking H, and of course, when I get enought courage to ask and try to use just the right words, I get skunk answers that don't answer anything. Look back 2 -5 years, what happened? Oh my, so much. His mom died, we made a big land purchase, granddaughter had liver transplant, we stepped up and purchased the stallion he rides, which meant a direction change in our place, he turned 50, owb!itch got horses and they met, H's oldest son,wife,and kid moved in with us for a while, that was horrible, and THE biggest thing I can think of is that he says he got tired of being rejected by me. We've talked about that, and he will get mad and has told me I have caused him nothing but years of pain and hurt for our whole marriage. He is tired of feeling that way and I took all the try out of him. Then in another conversation, another time, he knows that it wasn't all like that, he knows why things were the way they were, he knows we both have fault. But it boils down to he looked outside the marriage to solve his problems, to ease his 'pain'. That's just plain wrong, and he maintains he had done nothing wrong. Even I would choose to believe that, then why does he refuse to talk to me, to work on this? to move forward and put these painful years behind us? ------------------ Last night I was working on project stuff, H was uncommunicative. I finally tried to ask about skiing, how it was, busy? got one or two word answers. By that time I have a cd stuck in the drive, can't get files copied that I need to print, I am experiencing high frustration, I went to bed. Slept pretty rotten, woke up early. Put laundry in the drier, turned the babysitter tv on in the bedroom, watched some news, took a shower, got dressed. Walked into the rest of the house, H was getting ready to go outside, moved away from me, I said good morning, tried to get the cd drive open and couldn't. ggrrrrr!!! shut it down and was going to take it somewhere, I NEED MY COMPUTER!! H asked what was wrong, and got the drive open for me. I said 'wow, thanks! would you hook it all back up for me too?' He went outside, but not until I spouted off about the $#%^#$^ computer. It was in the teens today, H started my truck for me! I believe that is the first time since 2004 that he has done that. He was off hauling hay when I left, I did send him a txt thanks for starting truck. Also, I need some things picked up today in a nearby town for my project that is due this week. I did ask if he was anywhere near that town today, he grumbled yeah, he could pick it up. My txt also said 'don't bother, I would handle it.'
My stress is high this week, I know I have to suppress it. It's not his fault, no - it's not PMS, it's managing multiple agenda items and they keep mounting, and it's dealing with the attitude of H, he's pushing away hard now, I suppose because of yesterday morning.
ps- this morning I left the sugar container in the bathroom with a note on it, 'you'll need this.'
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Part of my divorce came about as a result of my bad mental state due to a failed/failing business. Your business hasn't failed but it sounds like you guys have to work very hard at it. I'm just guessing here but I bet that your H is just tired...burnt out...tired of worrying about the business, the debt, etc etc etc. And probably also feeling bad about getting on a bit in years and his injury. Taken all together...I wouldn't be surprised if he feels trapped and then places his frustration about the situation on your shoulders. Associates you and your marriage with that stress. OW and spending are a way to relieve himself of that stress for a while. He is probably conflicted about how to get out of the situation. Wants the financial/business stuff to just go away but doesn't *necessarily* want out of the marriage. Still has feelings for you plus doesn't want the stigma of possible affair and divorce...the ego/upstanding citizen thing.
Something else...I wonder if he is a little spoiled by the fact that you keep things afloat on your own. As long as you are taking care of everything, he can get his "escapes" and contribute as he feels like it. Throws little tantrums when the business/financial situations come up because he knows that you will back off and buckle down on things for a while because you love him and won't leave.
Knows what he is doing is wrong but justifies it by telling himself that he just wants to be happy and he can't figure out a way out of the situation (stress, not your marriage...necessarily) and can't figure out a way out that won't lead to an explosion of his life.
Please understand that that is just my guess based on being a guy and being in a similar situation. Something to think about.
Something else to think about...if you think my read is close to the truth...I think for your sake and for his you need to scale things back. You can't keep working like a dog on your own and I worry that he will eventually work up the nerve to jump ship. Is there any way that you can start scaling the business back, get some help with the business, etc? I really think that you need to remove some of the stress of the business/financials and then start working on yourself and the marriage without distraction.
A year ago, I was a complete ass because I was so burnt out/stressed from my business. I really wish that my STBXW would have waited 6 months before leaving. Now that I've removed that stress, I'm a completely different person...happy and upbeat even after though I've lost my W, whom I loved more than my own life, almost certainly forever. (I've not totally given up hope yet.) Your H can make the turn around too if this is really what is bothering him.
Now, suppose you scale the business back and get things to the point where you have some WCW time and you *still* don't get a positive feedback from him...well, I have to wonder if at that point it might not be better for you to leave him. Not leave him in a mean way...give him some time to live without you...that whole tough love/give him the gift of missing you thing.
Kiwi, it is so nice to hear from you. What's this???!!! I loved more than my own life, almost certainly forever. (I've not totally given up hope yet.) I want to hear more!!
You are right on many things. Too many pans in the fire not getting tended to, and it's all sizzling away. But, I do still believe that if we could work TOGETHER instead of apart or even parallel we can accomplish it all. But he won't let me in. And actually, he/we have let some of it go already, H won't take in horses for training anymore. The problem with that is that makes a huge cut in revenue also, and is one less thing we work on together. Is he spoiled that I continue to handle it? probably, but what else do I do? Find a room and move out? dump it all in his lap? I honestly don't think I can do that. I've looked, I've contemplated, but when it comes right down to it, I can't. I could use up all my vacation time and take an extended stay in some unknown location...with my horse, my dog, at the end of a long dirt road... where cell phones don't work. Oh geesh, someone just walked thru and woke me up.
I do think there is much resentment, I know there is. It came out a little last week in the 'cow fight'. He made a comment about me 'rushing in to save the day', and the way he said it I know that he was feeling just like when he was laid up and couldn't help. But, I told him what I was doing, getting a bull, synchronizing the herd,etc.... if he was mad about it, then he should have said so or offered his advice and suggestion and opinion, or just told me HE WAS handling it. But no, he just clammed up, made his decision that he would not assist me without telling me, and until I was full of sh*t and mud and begging for his help to get the job done, that's when he got high and mighty and told me off.
Man oh man, I deserve better than this. What the heck am I doing living like this? Wait, I'm frustrated, take a big breath, today the sun is shining for the first time in weeks, enjoy the day, relax, turn the heat down under the pot.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW Basically I am hi-jacking, you will see that I used your own words at times. Trust me, this is not an error. They are my words too. Which basically means read carefully. You may decide that I know what your going through but have made all the mistake and you don’t want to listen to me ever again.
What was the catalyst to this. My H started a carpentry business, failed miserable. He is an incredible finish carpenter and rough too. He also has enough knowledge about plumbing and electrical that we built our own home ourselves - literally. All except the brickwork
Keeping my H’s business sep was an issue too. Basically I did a lot of bailing his business out. Eventually he quit it. His body wasn’t going to keep up, and although he was good at his work, he was not a business man. He is a paramedic now. (So is OW)
I have business personal issues, but we kept everything sep b/c of that, pure fear of having my $$ attached. I wanted to stay the innocent spouse. But what I came to figure out was that, if we were in the M together, I was paying off his debt with money that I earned, and I had to accept that as part of the M. I did, got rid of all the records that I meticulously kept about a week b4 he moved out.
I would not combine finances from business to personal, but the personal finances are both of yours.
The better your credit score the better interest rates you can get for loans,etc. H had the worst credit, that all turned around with me, I put his name as authorized user on my accounts b/c he could not even get prepaid credit cards. Which b4 him I didn’t know was an option. He had some business accts that defaulted, way high interest rates I paid them off by taking those 0% for x period of time loans and moved money from one credit card to another. now the kicker is his debt is all in my name!
The low spot financially could be wearing on him No injury in my stich, and My H didn’t quit spending. I managed it all too. Including HIS checkbook. One thing my H said to me back in Oct was that I always cried poor.
My H got involved w/OW#1 when I was preg, I was working, he was telling me that is where he was. She even travel 2 hrs to our town to meet him. I felt a lot of resentment during that time,
I tried double extra hard to make sure I included him and made him aware of what was going on and what I was doing. His take is that I made sure I excluded him from everything, I just went ahead and did it and was just telling him how it was going to be. I was busy, many things had to be done. After OW #1, we got back on track for about 6 months. I chose to give it all up. Let go of the resentment and move on. I thought we were doing fine. Along came OW#2
I feel the same way, I feel like he doesn't give a crap what I think, he's just going to do what he feels like, around home or whatever, and I am not included in anything he decides. I AM still dealing with the financial part, take away any support from my H.
telling him that your sick of being poor too I am not poor, I'm broke.(been to the foodbank yet? I have) I have things, BILLS ESPECIALLY I just don't have cash.
Re Finances my H has said that I am smart that way, I am a good business person. I was very careful to keep the ties to his business at a minimum.
Last arg before he moved out I called him a loser (money issue) asked him when he was going to talk to me about this, Told him that the way he was acting we might as well just be roommates. 2 weeks later he was gone. And now we aren’t even good co-parents. He’s what he perceives as a good parent, I am what I perceive to be a good parent.
OK he has taken his share of the house work WAY to far.
Re: him not saying goodbye, what did you say when you went outside. Do onto others... I suppose he could figure I was ... You figured out what he was doing too, how is that different? treat him how YOU want to be treated.
I gave this advise to someone else today. If there is an issue that you need discussed, find a way to raise it when you or he are leaving each other’s company. That way he won’t feel pressured to answer right away. When you are pulling down the drive, Oh by the way so and so called wanting to know about X, would you think about that, and maybe we can talk about it later.
Look back 2 -5 years, what happened? His Grandfather died, we made a big land purchase, built our house, we bought him his first new vehicle, he turned 36, which was the cut off age for National Guard, Military always being his dream, changed career paths and met OW#1 in EMT school, she left her H for mine, met OW#2 when he got a job as an EMT, H and I moved in with my parents for a while, that was horrible, a while turned into 2 ½ years, our twins were 5 months when we finally moved out, my H said something along the lines of he got tired of being rejected by me. When H moved out he told me that when things were bad before he considered moving out, but hadn’t given up b/c he still had something left to give, this time he said he has nothing left to give our R. Then in another conversation, another time, he knows that it wasn't all like that, he knows why things were the way they were, he knows we both have fault. But it boils down to he looked outside the marriage to solve his problems, to ease his 'pain'. That's just plain wrong, and he maintains he had done nothing wrong. Even said that he made his peace with God.
_____H asked what was wrong, and got the drive open for me. I said 'wow, thanks! VERY GOOD
It was in the teens today, H started my truck for me! VERY GOOD
Look at the little positives and be the cheerleader. Gush with gratitude over ever little thing and he will feel good. May even do it again. Starbucks tomorrow?
BTW AR, OC and about to die. I am classic anal retentive, obsessive compulsive (neat freak has to know where everything is and have a filing system for everything) about to die references the e-mail passage re: type A’s die young and I want to live to be a crusty old lady.
So If you read all that, and still want more. You have to decide wether its still worth fighting for. I picked up something in the DR book that I thought I would implement with my H if he ever came back. If we were to argue, we must do it naked. I don't know how he would respond. But heck it would probably cause us both to laugh and supress the anger.
And as I review this, I see that I've really have been dropping the ball, not doing enough of anything! shame on me, and thank you all for pointing it out.