So am I on a path with no way back? I guess, just like him, I'm still there. I'm still fighting. Our cow argument was outside, kinda cold to be naked. How would that be a benefit? I suppose it would definetly be short. But I do remember reading that.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
didn't you say something about being up to your ears in manuer? I would think that shedding the cloths would be good. Cold true. (Not sure where you are)
I am sorry that I gave you the impression that you are on a path with no way back. NO you are not. if you saw the similarities I see that you are where I was about 1 year ago. (basically between OW#1 and OW#2 for us) From where you are I made enough mistakes to get to OW#2 and the move out. He was slowly opening up to me again, considering reconcilliation I believe, until I broke down on Christmas. Now I am not even at square one, but hoping that he will let me on the gameboard again. I am not giving up for me or you. Haven't even gotten a chance to read back on you. mostly only know what we have discussed recently, what's up w/OW?
I will do my best to keep you from making my mistakes
I know nothing for sure. Gut feeling - not hot and heavy like it was when she was in crisis mode and going thru her D. I think he won't give it up because that would in part be admission of guilt, and he's done nothing wrong. EA/PA, probably not full blown PA, does that make it okay? But, it was just November that on a gut feeling I drove by her place and met H coming out the driveway. I just had such a strong feeling that I couldn't squelch. I think she is passively pursuing him, keeps thinking up ways to entice him back, and he is such a 'nice' guy he won't say no. Which could very well be the reason for his unbearable mood too, owB pressure. On the upside, he sleeps at home every night, although is in a separate room, except for once when I told him if he wanted two women in his life I wouldn't be one of them. He left at 3am. The other time he left he was home by 11pm. But I know it wouldn't take much at all from me and he'd be out the door again, maybe for good. Even before they got involved with each other, we were all acquaintances. I always had a bad feeling around her, how she acted. Little did I know.....
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Have you confronted him other than the 2 woman comment, If not don't. I will rack my brain to come up with the words that I used. They got my H back. completely and things were good, and then.... My problem was I was too blind to see that our M was falling apart and I needed to do the 180's.
Been thinking about you alot What I see is that you H is depressed, he sees himself as a failure, started when he couldn't be the business man that he thought he was. Then the injury, and you did it all, he was kept, he was not needed. This is going on in the back of his mind and the resentment increases. You were busy with day to day life, doing what needed to be done for both of you, picking up the slack out of love and didn't realize that the funk that he was getting into was b/c you were able to do it all w/o him. Even the things that he couldn't do (checkbook) As this eats away, he sees "signs" refernce back to the events over 2-5 years. They are signs that he is getting older and he needs to take care of all those dreams that he has put aside to be the "family man" and he thinks 'waht was the point in being a family man anyway, she doesn't need me, she never needed me' and he thinks more about the childhood plans and dreams, and becomes more and more bitter for not doing anything that was on his "in 10 years" list from when he graduated high school. OW walks in, they talk, she appreciates him, she telss him how wonderful he is, how great his carpentry is, how good he is with the horse. Meanwhile your up to your ears in maneur and clueless. Things progress w/OW and he thinks again, WCW doesn't need me, I am a failure in her eyes, but I am not a failure OW sees me for who I "really" am. And from there you get to today. If this sounds right, your job is to become his head cheerleader and make him feel needed. Really and its going to be difficult. When you do something for him he is angry w/you b/c you are pointing out his shortcomings. When you "plan" you are pointing out how organized you are, another shortcoming. Ask his opinion, find things, that he is going to know more than you. Have a friend over to break the handle going up the stairs so that he can fix it. He's always so good at stuff like that, everyone is so amazed at what wonderful carpentry work you do. Get it. The retail business, what is his best function. What seems to come natural to him with it. What does he do w/o thinking, Guess what you can't do it, your just not that smart, you NEEEEEEED him. and when he does it, remind him how amazing he really is. DR 101 when there is OW involved find out what need she fulfills in your H and you do it better. Even if OW is gone, its a void to fill. He doesn't seem to be over the bitterness and depression of feeling like a failure, and your the biggest reminder b/c he is doing everything that he can to deny he feels that way and up you pop with demands (in his mind) Its a touch road. and there is a delecate balance between needing his skills and demanding from him. Play up those skills
Just caught up on your thread. You and Shocked have really written some stuff that resonated with me. Funny how different our lives/ backgrounds are but how similar our sitchs are in the end!!
My H too has never felt that needed and appreciated in our M. Sure in the beginning yes but then finances and my being able to earn more than him for a period really changed that fast. I cant imagine what it must be like for a man to be with woman like us who DO do such a great job of managing everything.
Though I dont have a full blown OW sitch there is a female "buddy"/friend and actually this has been a pattern. So I always got hurt about it and made him feel guilty and he kept on doing it. The real question is what role is that person (or persons) fulfilling for H...asking this question also empowers us more: what can WE do to fill that void? iso waiting around for H to realize how great we are.
Yup, men need to feel needed . Have you read The Care and Feeding of Husbands? Dr. Laura is quite the soap box preacher but geesh the letters in that book from men... broke my heart.
OK, slightly random post. I am feeling a bit scattered tonight. I have added this thread to my favs again so I am back on board!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
S&A, you're pretty close, alot of that is true. Some of the timing is a little off. His resentment started when he felt I was rejecting him too much, and that blew into I was like that our whole marriage. Geez, that's just not true, and he knows it, except when he wants to make me hurt. I've thought about 2003 a LOT, that's the year we really fell apart. It actually started at the end of 2002, I went to see a doctor for some female stuff. I figured I'd just need HRT or something easy, I was sent right away for an ultra sound, and the lady that took that had to do a double take and said see your doctor right away. We were leaving on vacation in a few days, and just before we boarded the plane I finally got thru to the doctor. She wanted me back for more tests asap, I said I was getting ready to walk onto a plane, can it wait. I had a bunch of female stuff wrong, and she said go on vacation but I will make your appt for you and let you know when it is, you can't wait. So, we went to see the kids, and driving from ID to OR I got a call about when my appt was. It was then that H asked what was going on, and I broke down and cried, I was so scared, but I wanted him to have a good visit with all the kids/grandkids before I dumped on him. We got thru vacation, and I ended up having surgery, which was supposed to be in and out in a couple hours, to remove a fybrous cyst and endometriosis. It didn't go well, turned out the cyst had grown in just a few weeks to the size of half a soccor ball, and they couldn't pull it my belly button like they had planned. So it turned into major surgery, and two days later they let me go home, and weeks off of work. H was supportive, and recovery went well. But I didn't feel right for months physically, and emotionally I felt like I was missing pieces. Then we purchased land, a major financial decision, then we worked hard making fence all summer, then he turned off that fall. I thought it was all about me, our 10th anniversary, his milestone birthday approaching, his XW getting remarried, and I just kept waiting for him to get out of his funk. That was fall 2003, we've never recovered. OWB enters, but I didn't know that part, yet. Until May 2004. I blew! did all the wrong stuff. We had a heavy show schedule that summer, we were forced together every weekend. (wllowwlk - in IA) Probably another thing that kept us together. Fall of 2004 H got hurt, laid up for months, insert rest of story.
I try, I really do, to cheerlead. I'm sure I miss things, I don't always have the right attitude. We had a broken door handle, all summer. He wouldn't touch it. I finally did, it's not done right, but I did. We have lots of carpentry projects, and if there one thing I cannot do, it is good carpentry. I can bang a nail thru a board, use a saw and tape measure. But H just won't do what needs to be done, and of course if I say anything, I'm the nag. Heck - I might as well go eat hay with the rest of them here! I do know what you're saying, pump him up, feed his ego, make him feel useful and like the best man in the world. He can easily fill that title for me, but I have periods of resentment, I know I do. And with the retail business, I know it can generate money when done right, but all I see is $$$ going out. H wants that to be his semi retirement carreer.
Tonight I had a meeting, H should've come along, but he never came home before I left. Most times a day goes by and we have no contact, but today things came up and I had to contact him 3 times. He never returned any of them. Business is business, quit being stupid.
I've done and tried a ton of things in the 2 plus years this has been going on, except pack my own bags. I've even issued ultimatums, with no follow thru. I'm still plugging away, H is still here. I'm not perfect, I have faults. I have hurt this man to the core, without even knowing how I did it. And he simply shut down and shut me out. I peck away, make some progress, and he rebuilds faster than I can cope with it. I don't make change very easy. I thought about that when I was walking into that meeting tonight. I've been involved with that group for 25 years, I still enjoy it, I still have fun with the old and the new people. Much of my life has so much history of the same old thing, but it's what I like, it's who I am, it's what I do. I do think I do plenty of new things too, make new things fit into a hectic schedule, because I don't drop the old activities. What I'm saying is that in more than one area of my life, I am afraid to let go of the old to pursue the new.
I don't think owb is gone, I think it's just a different level than what it was. I could also just be very naive. I sure have been before.
I did get a nice Hi when I walked in tonight. I so wanted to not come home at all tonight, not deal with this. Sneak in the back door rather than deal with tension and attitude. And I was greeted with a nice Hi. Even a smidge of conversation. Lesson - don't expect the expected.
I got invited on a date to the movies, with a couple other ladies. I'll see what the follow up is for that. Any good recommendations?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi brava! I think my hurt and his guilt are very related. And the more I show my hurt, the further away he goes. He doesn't want to be responsible for it, for me. Even when I was crying about my dog a few weeks ago, and he knew it, he couldn't offer me a shoulder or a hug. I don't get that at all.
I don't think there will ever be a major breakthru. If this all starts heading the right way, it will be litle pieces being glued back in. There will never be a 'please, let's make it right'. It will just be little pieces during the long haul. I hope I don't miss them.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I just had such a strong feeling that I couldn't squelch. I think she is passively pursuing him, keeps thinking up ways to entice him back, and he is such a 'nice' guy he won't say no. Which could very well be the reason for his unbearable mood too, owB pressure. On the upside, he sleeps at home every night, although is in a separate room, except for once when I told him if he wanted two women in his life I wouldn't be one of them. He left at 3am. The other time he left he was home by 11pm. But I know it wouldn't take much at all from me and he'd be out the door again, maybe for good. Even before they got involved with each other, we were all acquaintances. I always had a bad feeling around her, how she acted. Little did I know..... 
I do know what you're saying, pump him up, feed his ego, make him feel useful and like the best man in the world. He can easily fill that title for me, but I have periods of resentment, I know I do. And with the retail business, I know it can generate money when done right, but all I see is $$$ going out. H wants that to be his semi retirement carreer.