Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[Again!]

Yep, I guess I skipped a few things, feeling physically rejected b/c your libidos aren’t in sync.
Funk begins but we chalk it up to other stuff and just keep waiting Yep been there.
Lots of carpentry projects and H won’t touch them, yep me too.
In a strong wind the front door blows open b/c it won’t latch right, he’ll get around to that, probably about the same time that I get closet rods (which I bought 3 years ago) and shelves in the linen cupboards and pantry. OH how about kitchen cabinets, we only have one upper.
and of course if I say anything, I'm the nag.
pump him up, feed his ego, make him feel useful and like the best man in the world. He can easily fill that title for me,
but I have periods of resentment,–We all do, hit the board with it.

What I'm saying is that in more than one area of my life, I am afraid to let go of the old to pursue the new.

I don't think owb is gone, I think it's just a different level than what it was. I could also just be very naive. I sure have been before.

When you are he get home try handing out hugs. When you leave for any reason give him a peck on the cheek and I love you. If he is in the process of doing something for you try saying ILY, you’re the best.
I know that you have tried, and I know that you are weary. The problem is that You’ve got to be better, longer and more convincing than OWB

Any recommendations on Movies???? WCW - I’m broke, I haven’t seen a movie in years, I can’t afford the electricity to keep lights on, let alone a TV! I don’t have cable, I have no clue who the “stars” are.

[IAChild]

WCW,

Hey girl, it sounds like you two hit a lot of rough spots all in a row. I understand how much strain that can put on even the best of M's.

I hate to look like I'm beating a dead horse, but you really must pick up Mars/Venus and 5LL. I think these books will help you understand where your H is coming from (and help you understand yourself too).

Hang in there. If you'd like to talk on the phone some time, drop me an email at wllowwlk at hotmail dot com.

Martha

[Again!]

WCW
Remember you shouldn't make my mistakes. Get the strongly recommended books. I have also heard that Love must be tough by Dobson is appropriate. That may be because we're separated though. I would buy some bookds, but I choose between milk and paying the phone bill right now.

[AKiwiWannabe]

Kiwi, it is so nice to hear from you. What's this???!!! I loved more than my own life, almost certainly forever. (I've not totally given up hope yet.) I want to hear more!!

Not much to say, WCW. I loved her so much it was unhealthy for the R if that makes sense. I've come to the conclusion that the boundaries thing has to happen even in healthy Rs. You have to look out for yourself a little bit. Compromise is good but you can't always give the other person what they want when it conflicts with what you want. Rationally, I know that I should give up on her...that we weren't very good for each other because we didn't know how to have a healthy R...but I'm still haunted by her. I still wake up at night thinking she is there in bed with me and for a brief instant, despite how frustrating it is later, that makes me happy. Maybe someday, after we have both grown some more, there will be a chance. In my head, I'm pretty sure that that will never happen, but in my heart... I just can't seem to let go.

Oh, well, enough with the hijacking.

But, I do still believe that if we could work TOGETHER instead of apart or even parallel we can accomplish it all. But he won't let me in. And actually, he/we have let some of it go already, H won't take in horses for training anymore. The problem with that is that makes a huge cut in revenue also, and is one less thing we work on together.

No "buts". It's not a matter of could. If I'm right, he doesn't *want* to *work* together right now so it is a waste of time to think this way.

Is he spoiled that I continue to handle it? probably, but what else do I do? Find a room and move out? dump it all in his lap? I honestly don't think I can do that. I've looked, I've contemplated, but when it comes right down to it, I can't. I could use up all my vacation time and take an extended stay in some unknown location...with my horse, my dog, at the end of a long dirt road... where cell phones don't work. Oh geesh, someone just walked thru and woke me up.

Only you can answer that question for your situation. If it was me, given what I have read on this board, I would start scaling back the operations and, heck, even start looking for a job "working for the man". That's easy for me to say sitting here since I don't know the details of your financials but my guess is that you are going to have to make a choice between the marriage and the business/farm. I really get the sense that the stress and responsibility of the business is central to your problems.

I know I know...it was a mutual agreement to pursue the business the way you have. He should just stand up and take care of the responsibilities that he took on. He's not going to do that right now though. And he probably has different feelings, right or wrong, about the whole ball of wax.

Again, only you know your situation well enough to make these calls. I just thought I would throw my two cents in based on my experiences but I might be completely out in left field.

[Becca1975]

Shocked, I hear ya on the finances, I finally got smart and went and got a library card. They don't have EVERY book that I want to read, but we go once a week and I can find most.

[WCW]

Oh yes, there are plenty of things that I'm sure H wonders why I never do them. I do better if I make a list and can check it off, but I have to remember to write it on a list, and then I have to remember where I put the list. (bigAl, I bet you're lyao about that)

Say ILY? outloud? to his face? Where do I sign up for c-c-c-courage? I'm still recovering from asking for a hug two days ago. This morning H was laying on the couch in his jeans and no shirt when I walked in......oh......visual......that's really mean. I think I need to pay him back for that. Do unto others as they do unto you. We actually had a decent few minutes before I left for work. And I touched his knee!

I haven't been to the movies in years. I got a gift card for Christmas. It's not something I usually spend money on, and H has a definite problem with movies, his XW would go to the movies all the time and then complain 'cause she didn't have money for milk for the kids. How many times did he tell me that story???

Shocked - you mention food banks, and being so broke. Can you do an 'interest only' mortgage payment? ask your banker to work with you? and maybe you already have. I'd love to see a Financial Forum or thread, which we could all post or glean ideas from.

My frustration level is lower today, so far. Got some of my files transferred to the cd drive again, and am getting work done on that project again for Thursday deadline. But, still all those unanswered questions from yesterdays business. Not much I can do about it, let it go again.

[WCW]

Wllowwlk, I've read those books. Should do a reread again, I need to make more time for it. Right now my 'spare time' is between 12am - 5am when I try to sleep. If I put them under pillow can I absorb it?

Email sent. Thank you! No cheese though.

[WCW]

Shocked, Love Must Be Tough, yes it is good encouragement for making decisions about leaving or telling a spouse to leave, and why you should. I didn't have funds to go out and buy all the books either. But Half Price books, Goodwill, I've found them there.

Becca - the library is my main source. Many times though I have to be on a waiting list for books. Isn't that sad? a waiting list for books like this? Too sad. And then, I have to drive the right direction to get to the library, been lost in my mind and forgot where it was. Geez, and it's just a small town I've lived here all my life. I've also just gone to the library and sat there and read for awhile, rather than checking out a book and going home. (ssshhhhh-Mystery)

[Becca1975]

WCW, do like I do and have a drink right before he comes home. Do 2 shots or so.....not as a habit, just as some temporary courage to be able to spit out those words.

[WCW]

Kiwi - wow, what a change I hear in your typing. It shows you have already grown so very much. Too much love, maybe that does make sense. Is that my problem? That all goes back to GAL, detach, less consumed. Some days are better than others.

Right, he doesn't want to work this way, with me, right now. He still has too much resentment built up at me, even in the business. And here's another BUT. This morning he asked if I saw a big box that came in yesterday. I did, and he explained about what was in it, etc., nice convo, it IS there, WE CAN do this, I can't do it alone, HE can't do it alone. Everything started as joint projects, and with everything packed into the saddle bags, WE CAN do it by working together on all of it. I honestly feel that. In the meantime it limps along, rather than getting the boost of real attention while focus is all fuzzed up in other directions. There are many successful business couples that have too many projects. When our pile started growing, I asked H for time for us, just us. We never did, he never did. Did our problems start long before I ever realized it, he wouldn't give me time when we had time?

Yes, H probably has a whole different perspective on everything. He usually does, which is sometimes very good, he thinks
out of the box. If he would just clue me in a little bit. C-c-c-courage. I should just ask. Maybe I would feel better.

Buck and a half, 2 cents. Are you keeping a tab for me? Keep it coming!