Always welcome, Always_14. Thanks a bunch for honoring me with your first ever post. There's 1000's of stories going around this place, and I'm one tiny turd in the big pile of manure we're all sifting thru. (Can you tell what kind of day I'm having?) But, with all sincerity, your post was very nice to find here and boosted my PMA. I would sure like to say I agree with all of it, but I know there's sure been times where I reacted rather than thought it thru, but they're a lot more limited now. And, ya know what? that's something that my H used to tell me, that he really appreciated how I thought things thru before reacting. hhmmm, wonder if he still thinks that? Ha!
It is, for some reason I can't describe, very hard for me to reach out physically to my H right now. I would welcome him to come to me with open arms and a great big hug, I would melt completely, but I can't get myself to barely brush my fingers across him, or touch him, it is such an effort. I try, I force myself to do it, when it works into the mode of his avoidance.
I can't say that I've ever said if you need to leave to be happy then go. It's never come out like out. That must be me being selfish, 'cause I don't honestly believe that he'll be happier gone than here. He made sacrifices to come here, to be with me, to build the dreams and accomplish the goals that we have. Until he can flat out tell me that he doesn't want any of this as part of his life anymore, I won't believe it.
Thanks for dropping by, hope to see lots more of you! I'll probably be here for a while yet.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks for the welcome. Feels nice to reach out to someone about all of this (may be part of the problem for us, we're very private and turning to each other is painful).
You made good point that I think might connect (or maybe not!)....that perhaps detachment and feeling stuck in major connections in your M are related. For me, it's more the communication part that I'm feeling stuck with (but little I can do about that, I think)...as you are with physical touches. Perhaps when we get to this phase, we naturally detach. Good, but not to let it get to the point that we stop trying or become too scared. Then it's DEFINATELY hard to get back into the groove, which is what you're experiencing and your H too. He might very well WANT to give you that great hug, but doesn't know HOW. Makes sense--you're both scared. It's not going to be easy, but little ways to be physical are a must. I know you've tried, but how about this: to make it easier on you (not too bold) and him (respect his space and not demanding), how about doing physical touches only in passing, with no eye contact at first...easy for you, and no expectations for him. Shows you care, and are comfortable in your own home and with him. Then you go bolder. The pat on the back while leaving/passing. When you talk to him when he has his back turned, touch your hand on his shoulder. Don't react if he shudders, don't even look. Just keep moving on, a casual touch. Just one a day or every other day. SLOW. I think your ask for a hug freaked him out not because he doesn't like you, but because it's so RADICAL and UNATURAL given the current sitch. Also, you really put yourself out there and got really hurt (not good).
Another perspective I had after reading your stuff. Given that he feels that you are the caretaker (read:controlling), don't appreciate him or his opinion, etc. perhaps put yourself in HIS shoes right now. OK, I'll do it!!!! If I were him, I might still have issues with feeling that I was inadequate and that my opinion was not valuable, etc. This feeds into a lower self-esteem, which makes it hard for someone to suddenly have the incentive and courage to start being a loving partner. He's afraid on how to start, if you'll reject him. Right now, he doesn't know that you won't. Sure, you stay around, but it's originally YOUR house. I'm sure you've talked to him about this already. It's painful to sit and watch him try to take care of things. I know. BUT, is there another way that you could bring it up, get him to do it and make it HIS thing, without taking charge? How did you do things as a team before? What language did you use?
I know with DB, it's no R talk. But, perhaps, this could be a 180? How long has it been since you talked R? Are you both just too scared to talk, each staring at each other for the first move?
Anyway, I am new, and know little. Just my thoughts. In the end, the detaching is a good thing. Be yourself around him, by yourself. Be comfortable, be happy, be cheery, laugh on the phone, be in the same space as him. The more you act comfortable, the more he will be--my H says that when he sees me uncomfortable/sad, it makes him feel edgy and the same way, because he feels guilty that he is somehow responsible, when in fact, it's just Life.
Hey Always, usually the way to get him to do things is bring it up about 6 or 12 months ahead of time, never mention it again, and then eventually it becomes his idea, and then I gush and say 'why didn't I think of that?' But yes, there is a lot of truth in making an idea his own. I sure do know that. ---------------- Well, hhhmm, go figure. H shows up where I am at the moonlight ride last night. I know he got the same email I did as an invitation, but we never discussed it. He was gone all day with other plans, we never had any communication, and he shows up where I am. Ends up driving an extra 1 ½ hours to do it. It was nice that he did, but at the same time it bugs me. If I knew he was coming, I could have brought a horse for him, and he could have rode too. If I knew he was coming, I would have been adamant about chipping in with food, instead of letting them say it’s just one person, no big deal, and then we both show up. If he knew I was going, why did he come too? If he thought I wasn’t going then why be a jerk and go without me, and without a horse? I don’t know any answers, probably never will. Other people addressed us as a couple, but as a couple I didn’t feel like it at all. We had no knowledge of the others plans, we arrived at separate times in separate vehicles, we engaged in general conversation with everyone else, we sat apart, we walked out separate, drove away at different times. The only thing is we came home to the same place. And went to sleep separate.
Well, before I went to sleep I was up very late on the puter. So I slept late this morning. I hate burning day light like that, but it felt kinda good. Got up and hung out in my bathrobe and drank coffee. H came in from doing chores, talked about weather, I asked about horses that we are keeping in the ‘hospital ward’ for abscesses, we had some nice conversation. H’s laptop is crashing/crashed. He’s trying to recover information from it, tedious and frustrating. I made breakfast while he was working on that and making phone calls. While eating, we had more nice conversation, and talked about an organization we both help with and a big project that could have big meaning. We talked about people we know to ask to help with this, and it got kinda weird. Some of the people that came up are pretty social with owb, so we had to dance a little bit around that, talk about them without talking about her. I almost got a feeling H wanted to bring her name up, but didn’t. He did bring up one lady that can get a lot of work done, but is very fragmented, and continued on about her H and him being controlling, and how, and the vibes that H used to get from her H. I asked if it was jealousy, and he said no, more like ??? man I can’t think of the right word anymore. Anyway, so much of what he was saying is quite comparable to how I feel about him and owb, when we were all friends and she hung around. Those same vibes. I couldn’t help but feel that H was saying these things in some kind of understanding for me. I had a hard time keeping the smile off my face, to not bust out laughing about this conversation. It was just so weird, but we were accomplishing some R talk while actually talking about some one else. At least in my mind. In H’s mind it probably never came across that way.
I had also asked about a sweatshirt I couldn’t find, and then did, and then couldn’t again. He went to the bedroom and found it, in the closet he vacated. Hhmmm, he knew it was there? He came out and playfully covered it over my head, so I reached out for him and grabbed at him and said thank you thank you while my head was covered. Playful stuff.
Yesterday the corn finally came off the surrounding fields. What a relief! Winter pasture on the way! This will save feeding a bunch of hay, which is a bunch of money. H was working on his laptop again, and I told him I was going out to work on making fence. Got it done, moved cattle out to the new area, all is well. At least for now.
Being such a nice day, folks showed up to ride their horses, people all over. More buffer! Soon it was time to leave to go pick up a horse, H actually told me he was going to take a quick shower before we go. Then, on the way, he wanted to stop and look at laptops, and we did. We haven’t shopped together since last Easter. We ended up stopping on the way home at a different store and he got one. He does need one for business and scheduling etc., I just hope he’s figured out if he can pay for it.
Most of the day, when together, we had nice conversation, casual as well as a little bit of future and business. I know I keep bringing that up, that we had conversation, but it is just so huge to me that we did. And it was without tension, some even playful and joking. Maybe some of you know how it is to sit in the same room full of tension, not saying anything, not knowing what to say or if you should say it. It just felt dang good today to be tension free.
I gotta throw in this thought about getting the bull. If anyone remembers that mess, H told me I figured I had to rush in and save the day, when he was going to handle it, and when I asked when, he said in January. Last night I drove by a place that I had contacted last November about a bull, and H then talked to them but declined because they wouldn’t have a bull until January and that would be too late. I laughed to myself and shook my head. What else could I do? I bet the cows are laughing too.
And finally, tonight, we got inside late, and H has a new laptop to play with. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and H walks to the door but leaves. Then I went to the bedroom to take off a few layers of clothes, H walks in, I was pretty surprised, and moved out the way. He didn’t move, he just said he was watching to see where I put my sweatshirt in case he had to find it again.
So that’s about it, my feeling of peace continues for now.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hey WCW. That sounds pretty good. Might I suggest H came to the moonlight ride to see you? Sounds to me like a man in his car who suddenly thinks "I would like to see WCW" and drives up there and does. I know he didn't act like it when he got there, but that goes back to the whole confusion thing. He can't push himself over that bump and just run up to you. Maybe it took him 'till today to relax his guard a bit. Sounds like it. Just a thought.
bigAl, what are you doing up so late? avoiding dreams?
Maybe, you can suggest it. But I'm not sure I believe it. I think it was more along the lines of damage control, friends of friends telling friends I was out solo NYE, and now again for this ride, and he got to thinking about it while he was driving so many hours, and showed up. But really, wouldn't it have been easier to call and say, hey you going? I'll meet you there. Nahh, that would be too easy and make sense.
Confusion, you bet, lots of it hanging around here. I think I'll design new curtains named confusion. But today felt alright and okay, and like you told me once before, that's okay. Thanks, bigAl.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks, slowly. It's feeling pretty good. I hope I can keep getting big doses of it!
H went to sleep on the couch last night, I stayed up late on the puter again. I find that less hours of straight quality sleep makes me feel better than long hours of interrupted restless sleep. I knew this, but forgot. H is the one that always says he needs less sleep. He’s trying to sleep on the couch while I am in the same room on the computer. Last night after a while he threw off the blanket, stomped off to the bathroom, stomped back in, shut off the tv on the tv itself without the remote (wow, there’s a button there?), plopped back down to sleep again. Should I feel bad if he can’t get to sleep on the couch because the lights are on and I am clicking away on the keyboard? Nope, not at all. There’s a big bed with plenty of room for him in the bedroom. His choice to sleep where he does.
Here is a dose of reality. One of the ladies that works here just came in crying, said she would need the moring off or all day, asked me if it would be okay. One of her granddaughters, 2 years old, got sick yesterday, like a bad cold, took her to the emergency room, they sent her home, but her face got puffy, eyes swolling shut, parents took her to a university hospital, and they ran tests and found she has a heart murmer and two valves that are not working properly.
Reality hits hard. Sometimes our own problems aren't as big as life itself.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
You may be right about feeling that he came to the ride for social pressures, but at least he is not avoiding being with you in public, and still manages to act like a couple with you. That's pretty big.
I don't know where to begin with all the great progress you've had: playful stuff with the sweatshirt, he CAME into the bedroom while you were there, initiated jokes, sounds like you had some in-depth and long conversations, invited to go somewhere with you and stop off at stores. Sounds also like he was letting you in by purchasing something major in front of you, while he has $ probs and you know that.
Is this the breakthrough you've been asking for? Sounds like the ice wall is chipping away....take some time to enjoy your success.
Breakthrough? I wouldn't go that far, I am too guarded to call it that. But the wall cracked just a bit over the weekend. Next I guess is seeing if the crack gets bigger of if it gets patched up and stonger. Been here before, even further along, but it's another start. I'll take it. And yes, while computer shopping, he even looked for me and moved aside to give me room to see the puter and join in the decision making. Pretty neat!
Boy, I am really bouncing around thoughts in my head today. Geez, one generally nice day with hubby and I’m all over the spectrum again. But still okay, not anxious, but a good sort of okay. Wondering what’s next, how will tonight be, tomorrow? Can we have a string of more than one nice normal day? I'm still processing all the 'nice' things from Sunday. Don't push, don't get too strong on expectations, take what's nice, let the rest roll away like melting snowballs.
I hear love songs today, I don’t want to go gushy again. I want to remember how I felt Saturday night going out on my own, and crankin’ up the tunes and singing along with this song – Somebody's gonna give you A lesson in leavin' Somebody's gonna give you back What you've been givin' And I hope that I'm around To watch 'em knock you down It's like you to love 'em and leave 'em Just like you loved me and left me It's like you to do that sort of thing Over and over again You're a fool-hearted man
This morning I set up a ‘guest’ account on ‘my’ desktop computer so H could use it for email, etc. He does have an online business that he needs to check constantly. I told him just before I left, that I set it up and left it open for him to use until he can get his laptop configured and running. He didn’t say much, just oh. Could just be it was shock and awe, and he didn't know what else to say. I’ve become fairly protective of the computer, just as he is with his laptop and anything that he feels is ‘his’.
One of our 4 dogs gets a treat from me every morning, just him, it’s been that way since he was a puppy. Today, he must have been in a hurry and one of the very few mornings that he didn’t wait for his treat. I was walking out to get in my truck and leave for work, and I thought doggone.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I can understand being guarded. I know you probably already did this, but because the weekend was so unusual, did you take a second to tell him thanks for a nice weekend? I try to do that. It's a little appreciation...and also acknowledgement that it's hard work for them too, to crawl out of their shell and be nice, and sometimes I think they look for appreciation more than we think they do.
I'm sure tonight will be fine. Nice of you set an account for him. Keep up the beat, the flow and comfort of the weekend. Don't be nervous (easier said than done).
