Serious prayers going out to your co-worker, family and granddaughter especially. it's ok to be guarded somewhat, but enjoy the good times. you deserve them just enjoy don't second guess and don't look for the other shoe, just enjoy.
Keep up the positive interactions with H. One of the things I found worked, and even confounded SO, was all of the positive interactions.
I distinctly recall a phone convo we had when he was involved with OW2 during our separation. He was very angry and agitated and kind of taking it out on me. I pushed the envelop a little bit b/c I couldn't understand what I had done for him to be so angry at me. He finally admitted that he "wanted me but couldn't have me [b/c of the obligation he had to OW2]". When he admitted that, I thanked him for being honest and up-front with me.
Interesting how karma works things out, eh? Just keep the positive flow going and make him see how there's no one better out there, k?
Seems we are loosing all interaction. Didn't even speak again today. he spoke to the boys and we both put them in the car. He did tell me that his phone might not be working today.
How is it going for you. Keep up that positive interaction
Last night I saw H but just a few minutes. He stopped home to pick up his skiing equipment, gone again in about 10 minutes. But I felt no tension. Later, very late, I popped a movie in the VCR, and thought I'd lay on the couch and watch it. 180 type of thing. It sure wasn't a hit when H got home 2 1/2 hours after the ski hill closed. He couldn't even look at me. Guilt? Where had he been? Can't answer that 'cause I didn't ask. I got up and took the tape out, asked how the snow was, he didn't answer at first, then said not too good. Hey! a 3 word answer! whoooeee! I blew out the candles, took the movie, said Good Night, got a good night back (whoooeeee again), and went to bed and finished watching the movie. H must've been up late working on laptop configuration, or whatever. And up about 3am. I slept like crapola, so much for less hours of better sleep is better than more hours of fitfull sleep. Now I get less hours of fitfull sleep, geez. At least I'm never out of bags at the grocery store.
This morning the radio alarm woke me up, and the conversation was the news that couples with tv's in bedrooms prevent themselves from doing what they should be doing. Ha! at least I don't have THAT problem to worry about! (yet - I hope I do though)
Minimal convo this morning, but just a few pleasantries, such as rain without ice but turning to snow later today, and I said my faithful dog was waiting for his treats this morning, and told H yesterday he wasn't and I said doggone. He came back with another comical statement.
Grabbed all my skiing stuff, and thought with the warm temps I'd try to go after work today, but not if it's turning snowy and icy. Still haven't broke in the new ski boots, just broke the old ones. I'll have to go home and be responsible or something. Yuck!
Update on 2 year old - she has a heart murmer but the valves are all okay. She has ear and sinus infection that settled in the eye area, and if they can't knock it out with antibiotic stuff by later today they will have to make a cut to drain the eye and relieve pressure so she doesn't go blind. Grandma is here today, and feeling okay about the outcome.
S&A - do you have a new thread? I couldn't find you all day yesterday.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Oh the baby steps I saw your post to RCN-- just b/c they are at a place moving from BB don't feel like you should be, every stich is different. I tried to start a new thread over the weekend. It disappeared. I was working on my seriously old computer. It beeps at me b/c I type to fast for the processor! and I don't type fast. Started a new thread today. There is nothing on it though.
WCW how's it going? Did you ever check Mike from Midland? Gaining some insight there. We have a new WAH on the board too, "finally free" oh man does he have anger issues. Not sure why he posted. some suggest he believes that his W is on the board and he is trying to stab her again. I am not even giving him that much credit. BTW I do have a new thread. IS this limbo or am I fooling myself.
What?? Over 48 hours without a post from me! That is a new record except for if I’ve been out of town or something. I must be posting in my mind and just not getting it put here. Thanks for checking in on me, shocked. I’ve read a little bit of them, but haven’t been keeping up, it sure moves fast!
A quick catch up – Tuesday evening a friend stopped by, helped me outside, which I really appreciated, it was cold and windy. We decided to go to town and ‘dine’ at a place I had some gift cards for. 180 for me. We were ready to head out, and H pulled in. I told him we were just ready to ‘sneak’ out, and invited him to join us. He is still in the laptop configuration mode, and said he needed to find somewhere besides our slow dialup at home to download programs he still needs. He asked about places with high speed, and decided he would follow us to town and then find a spot somewhere after we ate. On the way, as friend and I were yacking about the horrors of computer crashes, I remembered some other friends who had high speed internet, and called H. We met at the restaurant, sat down, and there on the table is a sign that says high speed wireless internet available. Problem solved! Yes, I know, I hear groans of response. What kind of dinner is that!! But remember, for H and I to be that close for that long without a buffer....tough for us. And he truly needs his laptop to be functional, as do I for the website updates he does for me. The three of us had a nice dinner, H joined in conversation, we all joked and laughed, and I felt good. We had a no eggshell night!
Wednesday was a different sort of busy for me, we had important visitors at work, and I had to be the Hostess with the Mostest. I was busy setting up snacks and lunches (from the local deli, not too many Becky Homecky genes) and I wasn’t around my computer near as much, and when I was I also needed to actually get some work done! Cruel reality, I need the paycheck, this isn’t just a recreational job for the fun of it. At home I have a new horse in for training, and it’s a doozy! A new challenge to test my abilities. The horse was a little sweaty when our session was over, and later in the evening I went back out to check on him and then went for a walk. The wind had calmed down, it felt pretty fine to be out of the house for a while and break up the routine.
Sometimes I feel my PMA slipping, like when I think about H slip back in his routine of coming home late in the evenings again. He had been coming home earlier, which I liked, but it also made longer evenings of silence. So in the spirit of PMA, his coming home late is less tension, and it feels good. Even though our interactions are less, there is more quality to it, we can joke or comment and I feel a little of ‘us’ coming back. That’s my perspective anyway, what is H thinking? No clue, and I’m not asking.
I am also regaining my PMA in other areas of life. Here at work, I am starting to interact with people again. I keep getting questioned about what I am putting in my coffee, and how different I am now, but more like who I used to be, a fun person. Once again, it feels good, to be me.
I had a thought this morning that H is growing up again. We have this meeting this weekend in which he will most likely be evicted from an organization we both are involved with. It is due to him not agreeing with a form which we are required to sign. We have only talked briefly from time to time about it, the other day he said he did not think he would go to an all day meeting and work for a group that was going to kick him out at the end of the day. I just said it was his decision, but then why has he continued to go and work so many late nights these past months and not go this day too. Food for thought, no comment. This morning I asked if he had made a decision about Saturday, I was arranging carpooling with other folks. He asked what that had to do with him deciding. I explained that it made a difference whether I included him in the information and who would drive and where we would meet. He said he did not want to go but figured that he would. Very grown up decision. To go and state his opinion about why he will not sign the form. I also feel that if somehow this standoff could be reversed H would be happy about it. I think he does not want to lose his prestige, reputation, and position with this organization, but he has gotten himself into a corner and unsure how to get out with dignity. Very comparable to where our marriage is at. How can he come out of the corner he is backed into with dignity? How can I help him with that? Does he even care what I think? I don’t know yet.
I installed a new wireless mouse here today, jumpy little guy!
Any computer gurus know about wireless networks? We have one at home that worked fine with H's old laptop, but won't with this one. He can connect to the wireless network, it looks fine from both ends, but can't get anywhere on the internet or email.
Having trouble sleeping again at night, need to figure out something different. But hey! I feel okay today, plus – I am having a good hair day.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
good days, remember to complement your H on those things that you like. It's nice to see you home so early today. I know that you have lots on your plate, but I like to see you.....
If things get tense, take a potty break, you have to change too remember. You will need to develope the skills necessary to be comfortable with him for extended periods.
Nice that you had a busy day....helps to really get your mind off of the worries in the back of your head! Who would have thought a grueling day at work was just what you needed to relax!!!
Glad that H is "maturing" in other situations....shows that overall he can come around.
Hmmmm, you have a great analogy here...something to work from...instead of thinking of how to back him out of the corner with dignity in your sitch...think of how the organization would do it with the othe sitch, and perhaps you can draw parallels....this is easier because it's not personal.
The most obvious would be to make it feel like it was his decision, but you have been doing that in so many ways. The other is perhaps he is afraid that others are mad at his current stance, or would be mad/doubtful of him or think him a fool for backing off....so them being nice to him, accepting, would ease this pressure off. He could be involved, but feel comfortable to disagree. I really think this is most of his deal now...he knows his guilt, whether he told you or not (does not sleep in the same bed), he is so scared of you hating him, of not loving him, of you making him feel inadequate for his transgressions. Valid fears. It's frustrating, my H is similar, and it kills me, because I have lain my dignity aside to change here, and he lets his dignity and fear get in the way of a mature reaction, and this is annoying.
In a way, I think that neutral R talk might be nice, SLOW....just so he knows that you are not mad, not something that he has to avoid. That you can do something wrong, piss someone off, and they can still love you. You can still stay in the M, it's not totally broken.
Maybe I'm totally off mark here. I hope you continue to have a nice day.
You are amazing with your insight, patience and ability to forgive and be compassionate to your H. He WILL see that....the fact that he is still there is something bigger than you give credit for. He is acting like someone scared, angry, stuck--not like someone ready about to leave.
Ha! at least I don't have THAT problem to worry about! (yet - I hope I do though)
I'll have to go home and be responsible or something. Yuck!