Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[Becca1975]

WCW, i may be able to help with the wireless, mine does that exact thing a lot. First and foremost, he should unplug both the modem and the router for 20 seconds, and then give it a chance ot reconnect. More later when you are online.

[Again!]

Becca

I'm far more illeterate. Can you teach me how to send a txt message. i know that you have never even seen my phone, but my H was always the techy guy, I'm slowly steping into the 90's

[WCW]

I believe no one changed the calendar and Friday the 13th is here a week late. I woke up sad and lonely, have not done that for a while. Maybe it was because H was roaming around, but doesn't ever come in and lay down with me anymore. The Farm Show is on the radio, and today, of all days when I wake up sad already, this song plays during the cotton pickin' farm show.

I didn't see the fire burn to ashes
Couldn't feel the winds of change
I was lost inside the passion
Blinded by a memory of a flame

Guess I should of felt it when you touched me
Should of seen it in your eyes
I believed you really loved me
Why can't i believe you said goodbye

Why is the last one to know
The first one to cry and the last to let go
Why is the one left behind the one left alone
With no one to hold
The last one to know

Now it would be easier to face the morning
If you were holding me tonight
But you left me without a warning
Holding on to a heartache while she's holding you tight

Why is the last one to know
The first one to cry and the last to let go
Why is the one left behind the one left alone
With no one to hold
The last one to know

Sucks. I cried in the bathroom today. I haven't done that since...???? Alright, cowgirl up! Crying must take a long time, I was running late. Walked out to start my truck, and my horse met me!! Huh? Her and the other 4 that are in the same corral. I must've had a blond moment last night and not closed the gate properly when I was done riding. They all went back in easy enough. My short drive to work was filled with 2 semi trucks and 2 cars playing dodge and dart, stupid drivers. There has been lots of growth and construction around town, and my 7 mile/7 minute drive days are over but I haven't adjusted yet. Walked in the door and my desk phone is ringing, someone used the coffee pot late yesterday and didn't clean up after themselves, got the front of my shirt dirty already, the early morning orders are all screwed up so I had to rework what the staff should have finished yesterday, and here I am venting. Projects and deadlines, gotta earn my pay. How's YOUR Friday the 13th? geewhiz.

Got that out of my system, will refill my coffee cup, add flavored creamer, and enjoy the day.

I wonder if I really am blinded by the memory of a flame. It's supposed to be great weather today, I think I feel a fever coming on...

[always_14]

WCW--HUGS TO YOU!!! Geez, what a sad way to start the morning....next time, turn off that radio!!! Sounds like it's one of "those" mornings--keep your chin up. Crying the shower is great sometimes, very releasing.

H walked you to your truck this morning, hey, that's nice! Things have been going really nice for you this week, that's nice. You've had more interaction with H, he trusts you more into his life, you had dinner together, laughs initiated by him. Think of all the good things lately. You are on the slow uphill climb, you can't look down or back now. I hope you have a much better day. What helps me is to think of a nice memory from the past, from before the mess, to remind me of a time when H was crazy about me. Somewhere, deep inside him, you KNOW it still exists, and you'll bring it out.

[optimist2004]

Hey WCW-

I haven't posted to your thread for a while. I just did some journaling sort of updating my thread, but it's just updating emotions, not actual events or situations.

Sort of like your post this morning. No significant reason why you woke up sad today instead of at peace like you have other recent mornings. Just the way our hearts and minds work, especially in our situations. Sometimes something will just put us in touch with our sadness and sometimes things put us in touch with our peace.

But, enough poetic waxing... it's just that I know about these seemingly random forces that push and pull us to certain feelings and memories. For some reason lately, even though I have plenty to be pleased with in my R's progress, memories of emotions keep taking me back to dark places.

I don't know why. I think maybe it's my mind trying to fix this cognitive dissonance (one of my favorite terms!). How is it in this one life I can have felt the cold, bottomless pit of being stranded with a baby by the one person I trusted the most in life, to beeing wrapped in the warmth of a new home and the assurances that my H is always thinking of me and always there to take care of me?

And it doesn't even feel like that horrible pit is only in my past. I can still feel the edges of it when the memories suddenly come back and seize me. That feeling isn't in the past. It comes back for a moment every other day just to let me know it's a part of my life.

What does this say for moving on and letting go? I'm not sure. Most certainly you'll have to deal with this too. You have to deal with it now. But, I'm not the one that's going to tell you to just stop feeling sad or having those dark memories. I don't like to preach what I don't practice.

[Becca1975]

Shocked, who is your cell provider? I can teach you how to text message!

[WCW]

always - H was in the shower, my HORSE met me at my truck! Other than the fact she wasn't supposed to be there, it was kinda nice. A friendly face.

I suppose I have to admit my mood probably has to do with H, and that he finally came home unusually late, even for him. The hay piles are all empty and need to be restocked, ggrrrr. I had just gotten in the house, after 8pm, had a grilled cheese still on the skillet when he walked in. He said hi, I turned, we made eye contact and gave an enthusiastic hi back, and asked if he wanted a grilled cheese. He got a wary look, looked at the sandwich, and asked what was wrong with it! We laughed, I said that one was mine but I'd make him one if he wanted. We started out fine, but that was the best part. Frustration level was up - that network is still baffling us (Becca, unplugged, replugged, changed names, renamed computers, laptop will connect to the network, but then he can't get on the internet or email.), and we had to discuss some other volunteer business stuff and I could sense his shortness and attitude, directed at me but we actually agreed, so I feel he was actually just venting to me, which actually is a good thing.

In normal times last night would be no big deal, we would go to bed together, touch all night while we slept, and wake up and snuggle. Oh how I miss that. But when he came home sooo late, and acted so nice and made eye contact, to me that was a warning signal and memories flashed. Memories of the first time he was caught at OWB's apartment and her H emailed me pics. H came home his usual self, never a sign of anything, and I acted the same. A real rosy night, until he saw the pics flash across my screensaver! There's a kick in the gut back atcha bucko. How does it feel? Sad and lonely is turning to anger now. Put it away, girl.

cognitive dissonance What's that? can you take some antibiotics for it? I suppose I have to these days again, I don't want to stay here though. I've been floating on the surface just enjoying the feeling of feeling good again, I will have to buckle down to deal with the reality of my idiotic life.

shocked - still need help txt mssging?

I suppose I'll have to start a new thread soon. Wouldn't it be great if life was that easy? Just lock up the old one and start new.

[Becca1975]

WCW, I had that happen once, the little icon would show the connection but it wasn't actually connected. I'd unplug everything and start from scratch as if he were installing everything the first time. Hit every reset button he can. I spent a good 20 hours on mine once and got on the phone with tech support who were little help and they walked me through the unplugging and resetting yet again and suddenly it worked right. It would be hard to help without being there, but if he calls tech support for his router, they should be able to help a little.

[DonH]

Quote: "Memories of the first time he was caught at OWB's apartment and her H emailed me pics. H came home his usual self, never a sign of anything, and I acted the same. A real rosy night, until he saw the pics flash across my screensaver! "

Oh, man, that is priceless. That is just great! How did you come up with that one. I know it's a hard memory for you, but what an awsome way to handle it. I wish I could have seen his face when the pics popped up.

Hope things start to get better for you. Just keep at it - one day at a time.

[IAChild]

cognitive dissonance

My marketing professor told me this is also known as "buyer's remorse".

Huh.